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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP sent me messages meant for another woman

204 replies

Toega · 27/03/2021 12:33

We have a 3 month old DS. We have flights booked to move back to my home country in the summer. Out of all the things someone could do this would be the very last thing I would have expected. I was so sure, I thought that was the one thing I never had to worry about.

I don't even know how I feel. I switch between being very angry, heartbroken, calm and disbelief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

What am I supposed to do now? What is going to happen with the plans for the move?

Our airline cancelled our flight yesterday so at least that will get refunded. What an unfortunately fortunate coincidence I guess.

OP posts:
BendyLikeBeckham · 30/03/2021 20:38

Sorry to hear your update OP.

I reiterate that you need proper legal advice.

Pm me if you want a recommendation for a good family lawyer.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/03/2021 20:42

Oh god, I'm so sorry this must be so so painful.

Just remember that you are just as entitled to be duplicitous as he's been. Don't think you have to be honest with him.

If there was any way to get him to buy it (men are gullible when it comes to their egos), I'd grit my teeth and tell him that I 'love him and don't want to lose him' and that we need a 'fresh start' in your country. I'd move the move up to as soon as possible, even before summer if you can, and all of you go as one family. Once you get there wait the appropriate time for your DC to become 'habitually resident' based on the Hague Convention + a couple of months and then kick his arse to the kerb.

It wouldn't hurt to get legal advice, especially as to habitual residency, before you leave and when you get there if you can do it discreetly.

He's behaved without principles for years. You can put yours in a drawer for a few months.

BlackMarauder · 30/03/2021 21:09

SO sorry your heart's broken @Toega. But I promise you'll survive this. Take it from someone who's been there.

HaveringWavering · 31/03/2021 09:38

So sorry to read your update. But you need to galvanise yourself into making concrete plans to get home. What are you going to do, practically?

SVRT19674 · 31/03/2021 10:51

I would play the long game with this, don´t give any inkling re your intentions until you are safely in your own country with the kid...but then...I don´t think it is pukka to give this advice to someone else...

RantyAnty · 31/03/2021 13:56

So very sorry to hear your update.

How long have you and your DP been together?

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 14:11

There is a Thread on Mumsnet, I have tried in vain to find it, about a British woman who was persuaded by her NZ husband to relocate to NZ and take over the 'family' business.

Within weeks of relocating with the kids etc, the Wife finds DH has not been truthful and the family business is in fact a job in the business, not a take over.

She then finds herself alone as he slots back into his family and he becomes more disrespectful and controlling, and is now fully estranged from his family.

She tried to leave but she is trapped as she cannot remove the children from NZ. Then lockdown happened cementing the children's residency in NZ.

Im not sure what happened, her Father in the UK became very unwell and she could not fly home too see him, it was very distressing to read.

my point is this OP, once you and your child are home in NZ, you are truly safely Home. Nobody can remove your child. 🌺

BingBongToTheMoon · 31/03/2021 14:15

my point is this OP, once you and your child are home in NZ, you are truly safely Home. Nobody can remove your child. 🌺

That’s just not true, at all. I’m sorry but it’s not.

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 14:17

@BingBongToTheMoon

my point is this OP, once you and your child are home in NZ, you are truly safely Home. Nobody can remove your child. 🌺

That’s just not true, at all. I’m sorry but it’s not.

without going through Court.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 14:19

We really need more information from OP before giving any further advice. If he has been cheating on her the whole time, he might not want to leave the UK now. Which means she can't leave either so speculation is pointless unless OP wants to provide more which she is in no way under any obligation to.

Changeychange1 · 31/03/2021 14:25

Don’t tell him it’s over. Take your child back to your home county, over time distance yourself from him. He can block you returning with your DC if you break up beforehand.

NoCauseRebel · 31/03/2021 14:50

People really need to stop giving untrue and potentially dangerous advice here.

The OP absolutely cannot just remove her child to another country. If the partner has any suspicion that she was planning to not come back then he can easily get a prohibited steps order to stop the child from leaving. At which point the OP will have two choices, stay in the UK or leave without the child.

If he’s been cheating on the OP for the duration of their relationship then it’s highly unlikely that he’s going to want to leave the UK, and given what the OP knows it’s also highly likely that he suspects she may be planning to dump him once they’re in NZ.

The OP needs legal advice, not to be listening to the incorrect advice given by a load of posters on a website who are likely projecting how they would act in the same situation.

Kylee300 · 31/03/2021 14:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 14:59

@Kylee300

I’m so sorry that this is happening OP. I agree with the advice of not breaking up with yet, getting to nz and then gradually pulling away from him. The main thing is to get you home ASAP.

I’m a fellow kiwi living in UK but I’m moving back to NZ in a few months, just pm me if you want to chat x

good advice 🌸

Calmdown14 · 31/03/2021 15:01

He's been a total arse but this is all too raw for finite decisions.
If he still wants to move then it seems to make the most sense. You could live together and co parent for a while without being together as such. It's not ideal and bad in the long term but really, at the moment and much as he probably doesn't deserve it, for your son's benefit an attempt at friendship is your best bet.
I wouldn't blame you at all if reconciliation is never an option for you but equally I don't think this is necessarily a no coming back from. People do but it is far too soon for you to know this

Calmdown14 · 31/03/2021 15:03

Sorry OP. I wrote that before seeing your update. That rather changes things. Although I'd still get home by any means

Original poster
Toega · 31/03/2021 15:19

I have had some brief legal advice that a written letter stating his permission for me to take DS will be sufficient. Then once he's lived there for several months he'll have spent the majority of his life there and will be classed as habitually resident and so virtually impossible to force him to return if ex DP changes his mind.

DP says he would never do that and will sign anything I want but as we know he is a compulsive liar who knows what he's capable of.

He's also been sending sexual messages to random girls and women on Instagram, so as well as being a serial cheat and liar he's a misogynistic pervert. The things he's done and lies he's told are hideous. He is a complete stranger to me.

Although lying comes so naturally to DP and he still wants to go, I would not be able to move to NZ with him as planned on his current partnership visa. It is illegal and I would be guilty of aiding him in obtaining residence illegally. I will not risk that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toega · 31/03/2021 15:23

Then once the borders are open again he can apply for his own visa and join us if he still wants to. Although I would gladly never see or speak to him again that would still be my preferred option for DS's sake.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 15:41

Get the letter signed ASAP OP, and keep it in a secure place until you can get flights.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 15:42

So are you saying he will give you permission to take DS out of the country indefinitely? Sorry, it's not clear from your post.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2021 15:55

@WisnaeMe

Get the letter signed ASAP OP, and keep it in a secure place until you can get flights.
Getting the letter now would be a good idea if you can get flights and leave right away. But a parent would have the right to rescind such permission at any time. You don't want to leave based on a, say, 4 week old letter (or older) and then have him say he'd told you later he had revoked his permission verbally to you.

Time to take a deep breath and make definite plans, I think. Can you move your and DC flights up? Is there anything really worth delaying your departure for?

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 16:00

the sooner the letter is signed and notarised, keep it secure then never mention it again... let time pass and keep focused on flights .. 🌸

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 16:00

say you want the letter for security 🌸

G3ntlemanJ · 31/03/2021 16:07

Jesus, OP, I'm so sorry. I suppose one upside is that it's all come out here, not once you'd settled abroad. What an absolute dick.

rainbowfairydust · 31/03/2021 16:17

Go home, let him sort out if he manages to get his own visa to go to New Zealand, such an awful situation but don't sacrifice your life, family, friends and financial security for a man that couldn't even give you the basic respect in a relationship

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