DP sent me messages meant for another woman

[Toega]

We have a 3 month old DS. We have flights booked to move back to my home country in the summer. Out of all the things someone could do this would be the very last thing I would have expected. I was so sure, I thought that was the one thing I never had to worry about.

I don't even know how I feel. I switch between being very angry, heartbroken, calm and disbelief. I don't think it's really sunk in yet.

What am I supposed to do now? What is going to happen with the plans for the move?

Our airline cancelled our flight yesterday so at least that will get refunded. What an unfortunately fortunate coincidence I guess.

If it were me, I'd move home. You'll have much more emotional support (I assume) if you separate and that's important for you and DC.

Is he willing to relocate with things seemingly up in the air? How long will it take for him to get a permanent visa? Could you afford a place where you'd have your own bedroom, or at the least a sofa-bed (for him)? Will you be able to be self-supporting in your country?

Trying to stand in his shoes, unless I wanted to live in your home country regardless of the relationship I'd be very leery of picking up and moving there if I felt my spouse was on the verge of splitting with me. I could end up 'stuck' there with no friends and estranged from my ex-partner's family. How many threads have we seen from spouses 'stuck' in a country and unable to move home because they can't take their children.

This may be something that he starts to think about unless his dream is to live in your home country.

It's too easy to say walk away but when a child is involved things aren't so straightforward. Regardless, he will remain a part of your life.

Who instigated it? What would have happened if he hadn't been 'found out'? Would it have developed further? How long has the emotional betrayal gone on for? Is he still in contact with the woman? Have you given yourself space to deal with the emotional turmoil and work out what you need and want? Is he giving you the space to deal with it, without clouding your judgment? You need to grieve and then find the emotional strength to look him in the eyes and REALLY talk and he needs to tell you EVERYTHING, only then will you know what to do. It may be to walk away or it may be to stay and start again and build a new relationship. You cannot pick up where you left off and you will need to begin again. However, if you cannot trust again it will destroy you inside and hurt all of you, including your child. Trust will not come immediately but the ability to trust again is key.

@JinglingHellsBells

I'm genuinely sorry you are in this situation.

But I'm agreeing with a couple of others, that I didn't interpret that message as about him and her. I've never heard of sex being referred to as 'being cosy'- and I'm pretty long in the tooth!

I thought he was asking her what she was doing (on her own) after she had eaten dinner (on her own.)

It sounded to me like friendly banter, but not sexual.
There was no 'we' are going to get cosy.

It might be a flirty chat but I am not so sure it's all you think it is.

I agree.

it might not matter to some people but its obviously not just one mesage is it hes deleted the lot-if it was a one off he'd show op

dont know what to suggest either way someone will be left alone

@katy1213 Ahh yes here we go with the historical thread apologist-"A storm in a teacup"

He has said they've been sexting. He knew it was inappropriate enough that he felt guilty, told her his girlfriend wouldn't be very pleased, lied about it, and said it made him feel dirty. That's not banter. If it's something you wouldn't want your partner knowing then it's cheating as I see it.

He has always wanted to live in my home country, yes. He lived there as a teenager for a few years and has always wanted to move back.

How do you move past this, if you decide to continue the relationship? How do you ever trust them, that this won't happen again? I don't want to spend my life constantly wondering if it's happening again. Or goes further. It only stopped because he fucked up by sending a message to the wrong person. He said he's blocked her number.

My ex was on his knees (literally) begging and crying saying it would never happen again. A month later he was still seeing her.

If I stay here I have no job or career, I was a nanny and was fired when I got pregnant last year. I have no savings, I had only been in the job a few months so no maternity pay or allowance as before that I was working abroad. All my savings have gone since I lost my job. Moving home was going to make the most financial sense as well as a great place to raise our family. I have no family here and hardly any friends, we moved to this town Jan 2020 and then covid happened so we don't know anyone in this area. He has always lived nearby so has his friends and family. I haven't lived here permanently for a few years as I split my time between here and overseas for work.

But I can't take DS away from his father, he has a right to know him and a relationship with him that's more than FaceTime. I will just be utterly utterly miserable and alone here. And screwed financially.

This is why I wish covid wasn't happening, so he could come to my country freely without having to be in a relationship with me.

As bad as it is, I’d probably lie to him and say you want to make it work and do whatever it took to get you and baby back to your home country. Then within a week once I’d got everything sorted I’d tell him actually, I can’t get over it, it’s over.

Might be seen as manipulative but ultimately he cheated on you and you should prioritise yourself. He can go fuck himself.

The message alone could be explained if there was a genuinely innocent context. But as he’s crying and admitted to sexting there is obviously more to it.

You should probably consult a lawyer who specializes in international custody before moving back to your home country with your dc. You need to be sure you don’t do anything that makes the courts view you unfavorably with regards to custody.

"He has always wanted to live in my home country, yes. He lived there as a teenager for a few years and has always wanted to move back."
How convenient for him, to have found a girlfriend who could be a conduit for a visa to the country he's always wanted to live in. Yes, I am cynical.

"But I can't take DS away from his father, he has a right to know him and a relationship with him that's more than FaceTime. I will just be utterly utterly miserable and alone here. And screwed financially."
It is better for your son to have a resident parent who is NOT utterly miserable and alone. Covid will pass. Overseas travel will get easier. He will be able to visit his son, just not in the short-term.

That’s sounds very Intimate for a couple of days! He’s been texting her a lot longer

OP I'm a mother living overseas in a country that isn't mine, with no support network going through a divorce. I cannot stress enough that if you want to move to your home country, where you do have a support network, you should absolutely "try and move on" in order for him to get whatever visa he needs. Nobody needs to know.

It's not ideal. But I promise you, living abroad, without work or friends in a place your OH/Ex has both will not be good for your mental health.

It's shite that you're in this situation. Truly. But if your goal is to move home and have your child's father nearby, you still have that option. Just. You don't need to have any sexual relationship with him. You can sleep in separate beds/rooms. International moves can be stressful and sometimes relationships don't withstand them anyway. What you'll be doing is building a futures for your child with both parents in the picture and one in which his mother is supported. That's no bad thing.

If you separate now, OH very definitely can prevent you from moving home until DC is 18. That's a very long time.

@harriethoyle

Honestly? I'd press ahead with the move because if you split, it will potentially be much more difficult to get home...

I was thinking this too.

How far is your home country OP ? Are we talking somewhere pretty close, like Ireland, or the other side of the world ?

btw I say none of this lightly as I've been stuck in this relationship, pretending to the outside world (not OH), for 5 years. It's not enjoyable. But in your situation I'd take the short term pain of pretending in order to get the long term support of family and friends.

As someone who fled back to the UK with a toddler many years ago, then spent the next two years crapping myself because I'd broken Hague Conventions, I'd strongly advise you to play the long game.
'Forgive' him, get yourselves over to your home country with your baby, then do whatever is right for you.
If you leave the UK with your child, unfortunately he has the power to ensure that you're stuck here. The courts can confiscate passports and prevent you from 'kidnapping' your own child and taking then from their place of permanent residence.
Press on with your plans.

It sounds like you want to move home. You currently haven't broken up so could move see where that leaves you.

You are in a far stronger position. He could potentially prevent you returning home if you seperate now.

I am yet to read a cheating story on here where the cheater is fully honest and open ince caught. There is always more.

Other side of the world. You couldn't really get a longer flight.

@Gingembre this is what I want to do, because I want to be home and I want him around for DS. Of course what I really want is for this not to have happened and for us to be a happy family but that's gone.

But I don't know if I can do it. It feels so manipulative and disingenuous. I know he would go along with it anyway if he knew I was pretending, because he wants to be with DS. He wants us to stay together as well but he can't have everything his way.

Before DS was born we were talking about a friend of mine who is stuck here because her DP is an arsehole and said he would never let her move home (after begging her to come back to the U.K. once their son was born after he kicked her out when she got pregnant) and he said if we ever broke up he would never stop me from leaving. I told him then he would change his mind once the baby was born, because really who would willingly choose to never see your child? I would think badly of him if he did just let us go to be honest, in a way.

say whatever you need to say to get home

You actually believe she’s overseas or this message wasn’t meant for a face to face dinner? Sorry OP but I wouldn’t believe him at all, he’s trying to mitigate the damage.

I’m really sorry OP, cheaters rarely change so think carefully

In your shoes OP I would be heading home as fast as I could.

Agree with PP get home ASAP so you have the choice, if he thinks you’re leaving with DS he will act to keep him here. You will see another side to him you’ve never seen.