I am on the horns of a dilemma.

[UncreativeAndUseless]

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

I don't see the dilemma honestly. He doesn't seem that into the relationship. Ditch and move on with your head held high.

Just end it and move on. Closure would be nice but you don't need it to be able to end things.

You deserve better!

End the relationship. He's not in it emotionally anymore.

Ideally, I want him to know I know. I did ask him if there was someone else but he denied it. His son isn't 100% sure what he has seen but in context it doesn't sound good.

I know you're all talking sense.

He's next to me in bed at the moment. I hadn't expected him tonight and I was fine with that.

Don't engage any further, he clearly isn't into it, and isn't worth your time.
Head games are stupid, and will only leave you worse off.

True.

It's been over 10 years. I hope that explains why I'm finding this difficult.

Even more reason to move forward, and not look back , he has already used up so much of your time

Thank you for replying and you're obviously right.

Any idea what I should say to him? I have had the suspicion that he has been trying to make me the one that ends it.

I feel bad for his son getting dragged into this. He has had a lot of upheaval in his life and whilst I hope he and I continue to have a good relationship, I'm not sure he feels any better than I do tonight for seeing what he saw.

His son is (barely) an adult, by the way.

It doesn't really sound like he IS your partner, at least not any more. Has he discussed plans to move out? How old is his son, and does he live with you both?

I'm not sure that the phone message has much relevance really; he has intimated that he wants you to acknowledge your relationship is over. Listen to him.

Scratch my questions about his son. I think you have to tackle the situation entirely independently of him.

We don't live together. It's his choice to continue to come round.

That's the confusing thing. He had the perfect get out this weekend as he had the jab earlier in the week, hasn't been well and texted to say so yesterday. That's why I wasn't expecting him.

His son is 19.

You don't have to drag his son into it, don't say anything about potentially another woman, don't make it about him!

Tell him you don't feel it anymore, you want it to be over, make it your choice and you have the power over your life.

So whose house/flat is it?

His son contacted me over concerns there might be another woman. We're good friends (I've never taken a parental role). I think he wanted some reassurance that yet another of the adult relationships around him isn't disintegrating. Obviously, I couldn't give that reassurance as I already had my suspicions.

The flat is mine. I'm not dependent on probably ex-partner in any way and he doesn't live here.

@UncreativeAndUseless

Always trust your gut emotion instincts !
This instinct is your best friend,looking out for,
protecting you emotionally !

You are worth so much more than this !

You deserve so much !

You are in transisational phase of your life,
Don't think of what you have losed or that you are a failure etc !

Think of what you learned emotionally from this experience and other experiences in your life too.!

I sense this relantship was never going to a life time relantship,
this relantship was and allways has been a learning Curve emotionally kind of relantship !

Its was a stepping stone , for you to move on to much better in your life,whatever you wish/want that to be !

Its up to you now
Be your captain of your destiny
this adventure !

what you have learnt emotionally from this relantship,
is too trust your intuition your gut emotion instinct far more,
Don't let fear (your insecurities) hold you back in life, etc.

Also I really feel looking into exploring various different kinds of Therepies will be useful and beneficial to yourself
look on the internet about this !

I sense you are far too much of a people pleaser and you lack a lot of self Cofindence will holds you back so much in different ways in your life !

Hence your username you have chosen for this mumsnet thread,
I think you have latent undiscovered talents,that once you gain much needed Cofindence you will discover bit later on in near future,
these talents you have got creatively in some way, you could make money out of them,
Don't knock yourself down,there is a lot more to you,
than meets the eye,
I think something that holds you back could well be adverse negative childhood experiences !

explore counselling Therepy to address these emotional baggage issues this will help you enormously

Also looking into CBT cognitive be behavioural Therapy sessions to they are free on NHS too,

Best of Luck x

Thank you for taking the time to write kindly thosetalesofunexpected.

I've picked this username because of how I feel tonight and because a lot of other more sensible usernames were taken and I was running out of ideas. It's actually a name change and I'm usually more cheerful and possibly even amusing sometimes on these boards.

You're right that maybe I should see this as transitional. It will be painful to lose all the companionship and little in jokes, though, even though there has been little of that lately.

There most likely is an OW, when you get the old "I'm not in love with you anymore" it usually means their head is turned. He's visiting you tonight to keep you hanging on as a backup sadly or she's not available.
End it now OP, don't mention his son as that will cause hassle for him, your partner has checked out and will finish with you when it suits him. Don't let him be the one to have the power, you do it first. I saw a comment here yesterday and it really struck me "Don't let a man tell you he doesn't want you twice". Such a simple sentence, but so true. Good luck OP

Oops I ment to say this relantship was never to last !

I do sense Once you have got over the emotional confusion from this relantship
You will so much more self belief Cofindence in yourself that you wonder to yourself often,
why on earth did I settle put up with this kind of relantship for so long !

this new phase in your life will be a pivotal turning point, !
its going to a very interesting and exciting adventure in a really good positive way for you !

Its looong overdue !

I think the Therepies that I have mentioned will benefit you in that

they will help /support you to gain clarity awareness about your low self esteem issues in your life have held you back trapped you in unsatisfying situations /relantships So once you gain clarity it will help you to let go of negative relantship patterns and toxic situations, with no good friends who take advantage of your people pleaser ways,
essentially it will help you to untangle from the emotional bondage of adverse negative childhood experiences of the past or anything else that has had a profound negative emotional impact on yourself in life !

Also I think if suffer from social anxiety, that hylnotherapy sessions will be useful beneficial to yourself as this is effective on a deeper level the semi conscious dream state level !

He probably was being honest about feeling crap after the jab and he can’t muster up the new improved him for the new lady. So the old pair of slipper will do. And that’s you.

One can’t thing that may come out the relationship is a friendship with his son as an adult in his life he can trust and rely on. He sounds like a great lad. So move on with your head held high and tell your “dp” it’s over today.

There most likely is an OW, when you get the old "I'm not in love with you anymore" it usually means their head is turned.

That's what I thought. The son seeing a potentially incriminating message is just more evidence. I had wanted to keep his son out of it because everything in his life seems to fall to bits other than my relationship with his father but I can't help the fact he's accidentally seen something on his father's phone.

Still, trying to look on the bright side, at least I can now flirt with the colleague with the absolutely filthy voice that I have to listen to at least twice a week.

And I've realised I can consume quite a lot of vodka and still spell. Bonus.

And don’t mention the son at all. Please.

Yes, it's hard when you've been together for a decade.

However. You should have ended things six weeks ago.

We don't live together. It's his choice to continue to come round.

Why are you still allowing him this choice? Why is he there? Do you think he'll change his mind? You know he won't.

Things end. Stop dragging out the pain for yourself. Take back your keys. (Presuming that he has a set?) Tell him it's over and is no longer welcome to visit you. If there's anything that needs settling (joint purchases, whatever) do it remotely.

You just have to brave about this.

Ooosh. Get flirting. There is life after this! Put the vodka away though. You don’t need a crutch.