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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am on the horns of a dilemma.

213 replies

UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 04:45

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

OP posts:
gutful · 21/03/2021 10:12

@Outbutnotoutout yes but OP says it was never in a mothering or step mum capacity

A text could smooth it all over & not be as emotionally dramatic as a call over this. To call the son to yet again discuss this seems to be selfish IMO

Because it’s the way you want to have the conversation

Rather than being light/airy & smoothing it over in a text then moving forward

I never said the Op shouldn’t speak to the boy again, just stop emotionally involving him in their break up

Which is what I believe calling him would exactly do

Think about it - with a call you don’t just say “hey sorry for involving you let’s drop this” and that is that. There will likely be a more long winded conversation & discussing the break up

I feel like the OP is clinging to the son because she has lost the father

I still doubt most MNetters would want their ex’s gf to be calling their children to discuss the breakup & feel protective over their children’s feelings & being put in the middle here

She had him trying to break into her ex’s phone for her - what is wise is to scale back, not call him to discuss this further

I feel the call is about what the Op wants not what the son needs

gutful · 21/03/2021 10:15

@CandyLeBonBon yes let’s be an echo chamber to every post

That’s the way forward !

Fliss444 · 21/03/2021 10:16

Gosh sometimes you can have a Gutful of some posters.

gutful · 21/03/2021 10:19

@Fliss444 and now you know the reason for this username

imalmostthere · 21/03/2021 10:19

@gutful you're done now. Go and kick someone else.

ThatOtherPoster · 21/03/2021 10:19

Ideally, I want him to know I know.

I’d say, ideally you don’t. If you dump him for cheating, he’ll always believe he was this awesome love God who had two women swooning over him.

I’d be far more tempted to leave him with the impression that after 10 years, you realised what an unstable, unlovable, sex-breaking idiot he was, and could no longer rustle up any enthusiasm for him.

Give him the, “it’s just not working for me anymore” speech. Then wave him off.

Not being able to end things is a sign of commitmentphobia, by the way. As is dating a flaky bloke for 10 years. Look into all that when this nob is out of your hair.

DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 10:21

Oh give it a rest @gutful

The lad got involved in the first place, he's 19 not 9. By the sounds of it he's already had some harsh experiences and difficulties with both of his parents. I doubt this will be as dramatic or life changing for him as either you or the OP seem to think.

OP - give yourself a break. You don't deserve a "flaming". You told the truth, you have been told there's something going on behind your back. You have the right to bring that up, it's not your job to cover up for his son when he chose to tell you.

Anyway, he wanted to break up and he got his wish, he'll be too busy making sure the new woman stays interested to be mad at his son for long.

CandyLeBonBon · 21/03/2021 10:29

[quote gutful]@CandyLeBonBon yes let’s be an echo chamber to every post

That’s the way forward ![/quote]
Shut up.

IM0GEN · 21/03/2021 10:36

@iMatter

"I've given a lot of thought to what you said and you're right, it's time to end things. I know this isn't working for you. It isn't working for me either. I wish you well."

It won't do you any good to continue in this relationship. All the mistrust, second guessing, doubting yourself, being his easy back up plan when things don't work out with the OW.

Good luck

This.

You want him to know that you know about his cheating. You think he will feel bad and guilty.

He won’t. Because whatever he has or hasn’t done with OW, he has already justified it in his head.

“ Things are already over with me and @UncreativeAndUseless. We are just friends now. I don’t know how to tell her because I don’t what to hurt her. I’m the kind of nice guy that doesn’t like to see people upset “.

“ Well it was never serious/ exclusive anyway - it’s not as if we live together “.

And there’s a dozen more excuses where these came from.

So give up the moral high ground and walk away, for the sake of your sanity. No drama - these guys love drama and the idea of two women fighting over them. Don’t feed it.

“ Yeah you’re right, let’s call it a day. Please pay me back the money and return my rug by the end of the week “.

Quit4me · 21/03/2021 10:41

@UncreativeAndUseless

His son is (barely) an adult, by the way.
His son may be young a naïve but it’s totally unfair to give you that information and expect you not to act on that. He shouldn’t have told you if he didn’t want you to confront your partner about it because that is not something you can sit on.
WizardOfAus · 21/03/2021 10:54

@ThatOtherPoster

Ideally, I want him to know I know.

I’d say, ideally you don’t. If you dump him for cheating, he’ll always believe he was this awesome love God who had two women swooning over him.

I’d be far more tempted to leave him with the impression that after 10 years, you realised what an unstable, unlovable, sex-breaking idiot he was, and could no longer rustle up any enthusiasm for him.

Give him the, “it’s just not working for me anymore” speech. Then wave him off.

Not being able to end things is a sign of commitmentphobia, by the way. As is dating a flaky bloke for 10 years. Look into all that when this nob is out of your hair.

Excellent post
Confusedandshaken · 21/03/2021 10:56

This is over. You might have been partners once but now you are a booty call. Don't settle for that. Wave goodbye and then text him to say that having thought things over you realise there is no future in this relationship so won't be seeing him again. Then block him. Don't get sucked into drama.

DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 10:57

Why is nobody RTFT?

She's ended it, he's gone and given her the keys back. He knows she knows what a deceitful prick he is, the son will get over it. Job done.

DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 10:58

And they weren't having sex anymore do not, she wasn't a "booty call" Hmm

sleveen · 21/03/2021 11:07

@DavidsSchitt

And they weren't having sex anymore do not, she wasn't a "booty call" Hmm
Which is why he left. Because she was a booty call. Stop the booty, stop the calls.
Gazelda · 21/03/2021 11:17

Christ @sleveen (and others). Try to remember that a woman is reeling from the end of a 10 year relationship. Is there any need to keep kicking her?

CandyLeBonBon · 21/03/2021 11:17

@sleveen he left because they had an uncomfortable conversation about him having feelings for someone else and he gave his keys back.

Notaroadrunner · 21/03/2021 11:22

Sorry to hear your relationship has ended, though it does sound for the best. Even though he has given back keys, I'd still change the locks. Don't beat yourself up about the son. Its done now and he has only reinforced the fact that his father is a dick. Telling you he's not in love with you yet still coming round to sleep in your bed was really not acceptable.

If the son contacts you to give out about his dad, or finds out more information about a possible other woman, shut the conversation down straight away and tell him you don't want or need to know.

Wishing you well for the future - take time to spoil yourself.

Robintakeover · 21/03/2021 11:31

OP - you seem to have his sons loyalty which means you’ve achieved something special . I’m sorry that your partner has done this

Livelovebehappy · 21/03/2021 11:51

‘I love you but I’m no longer in love with you’ is the classic comment made when someone has had their head turned by someone else, and they’re checking out of the relationship . I would bet he definitely has met another woman. He has probably felt unhappy with the lack of intimacy for a while, but men will stick with a relationship until another option comes along, which is then their get out card. Move on. You deserve better.

YouSingIt · 21/03/2021 12:00

@Gazelda

Christ *@sleveen* (and others). Try to remember that a woman is reeling from the end of a 10 year relationship. Is there any need to keep kicking her?
Precisely. Some really nasty post on here. And anyone who calls the OP a 'booty call' Hmm has either not read OP's posts properly or doesn't comprehend them.

Take care OP and well done on ending things.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/03/2021 12:03

@UncreativeAndUseless - ah, I'm sorry things have turned out this way for you.
Your now ex seems to be a bit of a prick, in all honesty. The fair thing would have been to have been honest about the situation, but some people are just too weak to want to be seen as the "bad guy" so set up a situation so that the other partner ends it instead. That absolves them of any guilt they might have felt.

It is a good idea to have texted his son back, to pre-warn him that you accidentally let slip what he'd told you - his dad might have a go, but the son is forewarned.

Some posters treat every board as though it were Fight club AIBU, even though you've posted in Relationships, so I wouldn't take it to heart. Just ignore the more vitriolic and hard-of-reading-comprehension ones.

I hope that when you wake up, things will feel, well, not better yet, but like the first step towards recovery after having excised a large sack of uselessness from your life. And I hope that you do maintain a friendly relationship with his son, because it sounds like the poor boy could do with some stability. Thanks

mam0918 · 21/03/2021 12:20

sounds like he dumped you and you are refusing to accept it... I get your feeling hurt especially at the end of a 10 year relationship but you cant force him to love you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/03/2021 12:21

You should probably try reading all of the OP's posts, hey...

Lordamighty · 21/03/2021 12:47

You must be really hurting OP and feeling bad about his son but he was just looking for an excuse to end it because he fancies someone else.
Eventually you will be kicking yourself for giving him so many years of your life.

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