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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am on the horns of a dilemma.

213 replies

UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 04:45

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 21/03/2021 07:11

I’m sorry this is happening to you, OP. I wanted to say, it’s Sunday, use the time to talk it all through with him. But really — that’s not a good idea. After 10 years you’re not living together, he’s uncommitted, the relationship is going nowhere. Don’t give him the opportunity of keeping you on a back burner while he tries out other options.
Best of luck.
Flowers

CaribGrackle · 21/03/2021 07:14

Crikey, sleveen calm down - you've got no skin on this game.

requitalissima · 21/03/2021 07:18

You should tell him that unfortunately, you don't think things are working out with you two and although you'll always think of him fondly, you need to move on and live your life with someone whom you desire and love. Which is not him.
Sorry and all that.

sleveen · 21/03/2021 07:23

@CaribGrackle

Crikey, sleveen calm down - you've got no skin on this game.
The poster asked for advice. I'm giving her my advice. She can dismiss it if she sees fit.
Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 07:23

sliveen

I did not ask his son. Absolutely not. His son contacted me. He found his father's phone flashing with messages and saw something he didn't like. He has had a lot of instability. I would never ask him to spy. He thought our relationship was a constant. Sadly, for both of us, it seems it's not. I will still be there for his son for as long as he wants me to be.

As for the rest of your post, I think that's likely to happen.

OP posts:
sleveen · 21/03/2021 07:24

They're dating for ten years! Dating!! Not living together lol. How long before he moves in? 20 years?

sleveen · 21/03/2021 07:26

@UncreativeAndUseless

sliveen

I did not ask his son. Absolutely not. His son contacted me. He found his father's phone flashing with messages and saw something he didn't like. He has had a lot of instability. I would never ask him to spy. He thought our relationship was a constant. Sadly, for both of us, it seems it's not. I will still be there for his son for as long as he wants me to be.

As for the rest of your post, I think that's likely to happen.

I'm so sorry that I was blunt as it must be heartbreaking. But he has got to go. Don't waste any more time with him.
Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 07:30

sleveen

Sorry I mis-spelled your name.

I did wonder if you were going to be mean for fun but I see you weren't. Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 21/03/2021 07:30

@UncreativeAndUseless

Wake him up gently and tell him he has to leave immediately. Tell him you realise that he's right and your relationship has run its course.

I can't do that. I can't stand it when people walk away from me. I'm thinking maybe a text.

Regardless of how badly he is behaving it is shit to dump someone by text, especially after ten years. You sound really articulate, OP. Just tell him it is over.
Karwomannghia · 21/03/2021 07:32

Can you look at his phone and see it for yourself?

TedMullins · 21/03/2021 07:34

@UncreativeAndUseless

I made sure the bank transaction made reference to the fact this was a loan. The money isn't a disaster. I can afford it and he's been stupid enough to give me access to his amazon account so I could just keep renting films till we're even. To be fair, I don't think he'd stiff me on the loan. He's not that sort of arsehole.

I should have known this from the start, you know. "Oooh, I'd like to marry you!" Rapidly rowed back on. Here we are 10 years on. I'm a fucking idiot.

Sounds like a classic lovebomber - all mouth and no trousers. I’ve encountered a couple of those. You’re dealing with this very stoically and with dignity and I agree you need to take the power here. The ball is entirely in your court to end the relationship and remove his power to keep you waiting for an answer. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t take the power back when I knew I was being played. I’d give anything to turn back time and definitively dump a couple of people. It hurts more in the short term, yes. But it’s unquestionably the right thing for the long term.
Number3BigCupOfTea · 21/03/2021 07:34

I love the thread title!

But this is not a dilemma. He has spelled it out loud and loud, and what he hasn't spelled out is worse, he's keeping you in abeyance by not just clearly finishing with you. Who knows if it'll work out with the OW after all.

You say you ''cannot'' do this but the poster who suggested agreeing with him that the relationship has run its course is right.

Standrewsschool · 21/03/2021 07:37

Are you able to get hold of XP’s phone? Has there been any suspicious trips out? Extended working hours etc

gutful · 21/03/2021 07:37

He isn’t a “partner” you don’t even live together

When someone says they aren’t in love with you anymore, not even married & don’t live with you this is the cue to end the relationship with your head held high

You don’t plead with them to do therapy to uncover their lost feelings

He isn’t in love with you & he will likely stay while sex is still an option with you

You may even have started “hysterical bonding” & sex has increased in a desperate attempt to keep him

You need to end this

And stop involving his son FFS

gutful · 21/03/2021 07:39

And it is almost a guarantee he likes someone else.

He is allowed to confide in his son - jeezus he isn’t your son & now you are trying to make his son be in the middle with his father?

I understand you must feel hurt but it’s not on to put his boy in the middle like this.

JSL52 · 21/03/2021 07:40

I agree , end it. You say you want him to know that you know about him texting another woman.
Just say you know , you don't have to say how , then tell him it's over.
Say you've grown apart , he's said he doesn't love you anymore and he's not engaged with counselling.
Good luck.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 21/03/2021 07:42

Read an article by mark manson (I think) it's called if I'm not hell yes then you're fuck no. Something like that. A man who'd been not putting a label on it for a year, I managed to finally drop the rope after reading that article. I understand it's harder after ten years but there's nothing to save.

I think it's quite calculated on his part to continue to pop around and stay a night every now and then at this point. He is either thinking of leaving or having a fling (maybe both) but he's not going to cut off his nose to spite his face by reducing his options

CautiousBlonde · 21/03/2021 07:42

From my perspective OP he has told you that he isn’t in love with you. That’s all you need to know really and you can finish the relationship based on that.

You must have a lovely relationship with his son for him to ultimately betray his own father. That couldn’t have been easy for him to do.

I get that when you are in the thick of it, it can be hard to see the wood from the trees, but all of us out here can see clearly. From this point on he’s using you ( in your bed now) and you’re letting him.

You can do better than this. 💚

Dandelion3 · 21/03/2021 07:43

If he's told you he's no longer in love with you it sounds to me like things are already over ? Irrespective of whether there's someone else or not. So im sure it won't come as a shock when you end things ?

gutful · 21/03/2021 07:44

& unsure what the “dilemma” is

He has said he isn’t in love with you so when you show him how you “know” about this other woman he has his eye on he is going to say “well yeah I told you I wasn’t in love with you”

That you are still having sex with him after this will indicate to him you have no basic self respect & willing to accept crumbs

If he feels horny he may give you some crumbs

But now he has told you he isn’t in love with you I predict this moment you envision of making him feel bad because “you know” isn’t going to happen

At most he will pity you & be avoiding hurting you more by revealing this. It doesn’t mean he actually feels bad. Do you really want to be the source of someone’s pity?

I love you but not in love with you = you will do for now & nothing more

Xenia · 21/03/2021 07:45

I remember years ago someone telling me he had told his partner he did not foresee being with her for the long term (they had 2 children under three). Who does that? It is so cruel.

Here, arrange to see him and ask if he is seeing someone else and if he wants to break up. There is no marriage so no complex division of finances or financial support and hopefully the poster has not been keeping the partner's son so no child of the family Children Act rights have arisen to impose any kind of financial legal obligation on her as regards the son. I think there is no jointly owned home either.

rainbowstardrops · 21/03/2021 07:45

Sorry you're going through this. I'd be upset too at the thought of throwing away 10 years. He's not a keeper though. I hope you still keep in contact with his son.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/03/2021 07:46

she doesnt need to look at his phone- its over.

op you can do this, casual, casual, dont needbig announcements, just lets sort out the cash, busy today, catch up soon, yeah, yeah, bye.

it will be a relief and painful but hesno good for you now. Flowers

Number3BigCupOfTea · 21/03/2021 07:46

Text him and tell him that you're not feeling it either. Tell him you agree with him. Tell him you aren't in love with him either.

Just agree agree agree with everything he told you and then put his belongings in a box.

Text the son to say that you didn't need to bring him in to it.

gutful · 21/03/2021 07:47

I mean you want to “win” but literally the only way to do this is block him, stop speaking to the son, cut him out of your life & move on. Just ghost him & go no contact.

That is how you will get your self respect back & feel some vindication

Still hanging around like a bad smell & uncovering his girl crush? How will that vindicate you? If he has said he isn’t in love anymore that is basically admitting he has a crush on someone else without saying it

That you still had sex with him after he said he wasn’t in love anymore - this is why he is still in your bed & confusing you. Because you accepted his crumbs & he will have zero respect for you now.

Girl get him gone !

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