Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am on the horns of a dilemma.

213 replies

UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 04:45

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

OP posts:
Sillysandy · 21/03/2021 08:41

Oh OP I'm so sorry. A relationship ending is incredibly painful.

Look forget about the potential other woman and the son. You are currently working at fixing something which the other person isn't interested in fixing it seems. There is no point. He want freedom. Let him have it. In fact, force it upon him. When he gets up tell him you're busy and you'll contact him later. Don't. Ignore him. Take back the control. Why does he think he can behave like this? Don't let him. Find your self respect. This is not good enough for you. Ignore ignore ignore.

And if he does come back banging on the door tell him then that he needs to prove to you he's going to work at this, he needs to book the therapist and he needs to tell you the truth about what he's been up to.

Reassure the son that you will still be there for him but you need some space from this topic right now.

Dozer · 21/03/2021 08:41

Son may have initiated contact with you about his father’s cheating, but any response other than v brief thanking him for telling you (and nothing more) is involving him.

gutful · 21/03/2021 08:42

But what evidence ? He already said he isn’t in love with her anymore. It’s hardly evidence if he has basically said “I see you as a mate nothing more”

Because that is what “I love you but not in love with you” means. Sure it’s the coward’s way out but it’s still an out.

When someone says they aren’t in love with you anymore how is it “winning” to snoop around for evidence that they are romantically attracted to someone else?

Of course they are! They told you this, but you weren’t listening

Also the involvement of the child is just not Ok - she could be the adult & put the child’s guilt & worry at ease but she has him essentially working for her

It’s like “If I can’t have his loyalty I will have his son’s” - it’s really wrong to involve a child this way & put them in the position of snooping on their own parent for you.

The relationship is over, they don’t need to break up it is already broken. He has moved on emotionally & is waiting for the OP to end it.

But I highly doubt you will make him feel at all guilty for messaging or even shagging another woman as he has made his feelings fairly clear by admitting he wasn’t in love anymore

That her solution was to take him to counselling shows she isn’t ready to accept what he has said but that doesn’t mean he didn’t say it.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 21/03/2021 08:43

Don't over explain it OP.

Because he wants you as the back up (can't imagine why else he's still popping around) so don't give him anything he can debate with.

Go down the route of keeping it simple.

''I agree with you. You are right. We are not in love. This relationship has run its course''.

Don't get in to a four hour debate over who let who down as tempting as it is.

Dozer · 21/03/2021 08:44

Yeah, seeking ‘evidence’ of cheating is pointless. Just end the relationship and stop all contact.

30PercentRecycled · 21/03/2021 08:48

He's awake you say?

I know you said you can't bear watching people.walk away but how about if you walk away.

Tell him you agree, it isn't working. You are going out for a walk and when you get back you expect him to be gone?

LouiseTrees · 21/03/2021 08:49

Couldn’t you just say “ I feel like you are trying to get me to end it by not rebooking that therapy session. Possibly because you have feelings for someone else but don’t want to admit them and don’t want to be the bad guy. I want to fight for this so I’m not ending it but equally I think you are a good guy so if I’m second fiddle then the right thing for you to do is end it”. Not bringing the son into it. If he then says where have you got this into your head etc, you can say you heard something on the grapevine, and you are not sure whether to believe it.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/03/2021 08:49

Say you've got a headache, tell him to go. When/if he gets in touch again, just say you don't want to see him again.

Don't need big conversations, reveals, dramas. He has in effect already dumped you.

Again, I'm sorry, and I understand how painful and shocking it is now - but it won't be forever.

CandyLeBonBon · 21/03/2021 08:49

He isn’t a “partner” you don’t even live together

What a load of shit! You're manifesting simplistic reductive stereotypes.

I know people who are married, who don't live together. Utter rubbish. 🙄

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/03/2021 08:51

I know people who are married, who don't live together. Utter rubbish

Yeah totally agree. Really reductive and opinionated.

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2021 08:54

I think as long as you never ever tell your son told you, you’re doing the right thing. That would be a parting shot that would damage their relationship for ever. He’s just trying to help you

You don’t need further proof. You don’t need phone access. You’re now armed with additional info. Just end it. The relationship is no longer working and you know he’s met someone else. There’s nothing more you need to know

LouiseTrees · 21/03/2021 08:54

Also what do you mean by he broke sex for you and now wants you to fix it? Do you mean he doesn’t get affectionate and jumps straight to the act ( selfish lover) or something more sinister like he wouldn’t take no for an answer? I mean it sounds like it’s over anyway

Umbivalent · 21/03/2021 08:54

He probably does want you to end it. But don't let that stop you!

MarshmallowAra · 21/03/2021 08:58

It's nice that his son is a good person who is looking out for you ...

Painful after ten years but he apparently wants out, had someone else lined up and all you can do is get rid.

"I'm not in love with you anymore either and feel this relationship has run its course, it's best if we civilly part ways now". Repeat.

It doesn't matter what's said, it doesn't change anything.

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2021 08:59

@Umbivalent

He probably does want you to end it. But don't let that stop you!
Exactly. Knowing he wants it to end should be enough.
MarshmallowAra · 21/03/2021 09:00

Couldn’t you just say “ I feel like you are trying to get me to end it by not rebooking that therapy session. Possibly because you have feelings for someone else but don’t want to admit them and don’t want to be the bad guy. I want to fight for this so I’m not ending it but equally I think you are a good guy so if I’m second fiddle then the right thing for you to do is end it”

He'll probably just keep stringing op along until he feels it's secure with ow.

Of it might not become secure and he'll keep seeing op - until the next time.

scarecrow22 · 21/03/2021 09:00

@UncreativeAndUseless

I fear your 'name' says lot about your self-esteem. I am far from he LTB approach to relationships, but I concur with many above: if you feel like this about yourself with this man, who has told you he wants to leave, is not trying to work things out, and then is disrespecting you by turning up and expecting to be let into your life at whim, then I would suggest you end the relationship. He might fight for you - good. He might not - you will have done the right thing.

Then please care for yourself, find help, hang out with friends, do something creative (who is to judge?????!!!!), and one day I'd love you to have a more positive 'name'.

I say this with love, not judgement.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 21/03/2021 09:02

Don't say ''I feel like you want me to end it''.

Try to construct short factual statements that cannot be argued with.

x

gutful · 21/03/2021 09:03

Couldn’t you just say “ I feel like you are trying to get me to end it by not rebooking that therapy session. Possibly because you have feelings for someone else but don’t want to admit them and don’t want to be the bad guy. I want to fight for this so I’m not ending it but equally I think you are a good guy so if I’m second fiddle then the right thing for you to do is end it”

Asking a coward to step up & end it is not good advice to OP I feel

Also advising someone who had just been told they are in love with them anymore to keep telling their partner they don’t want to end it & want to go to therapy is essentially asking the OP to “make a mug of herself” as you guys call it

picklemewalnuts · 21/03/2021 09:03

"He broke sex for us, and won't try therapy to fix it"

What did he do? I think it matters.

TabithaTeacake · 21/03/2021 09:04

In ten years , have you never lived together ?
I find that quite telling tbh . If he's never wanted to , then I'm sorry , I don't think he's ever been that much into you.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/03/2021 09:07

I agree with everyone else

Rip the plaster off! Take control, tell him YOU cannot continue the relationship after his revelation as YOU deserve better than that.

Get out there and start living OP

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 09:08

Again, I was not involving his son. His son took it upon himself to try to get into his phone and then contacted me. His son didn't want us to break up.

Unfortunately, his son is going to be disappointed as there has just been an unpleasant discussion and I've been handed my keys back. We're done.

I'm simultaneously in a lot of pain and a lot of relief.

OP posts:
sleveen · 21/03/2021 09:08

'He broke sex'? What does that mean?

He has told you he doesn't love you. You don't have a sex life. You don't live together as a couple. You're not married. What have you got to lose?

I never get this MN thing of 'get evidence' before you tell him. It's not as if it can be used in a divorce court, so why dig the knife in deeper? Do we need that much convincing to be able to leave a man?

He has told you that he is not in love with you. That's enough.

goodbyegreenbelt · 21/03/2021 09:08

Honestly, just walk away, thank the son for the heads up and don't ask anything further of him.

I've been where you are, and it hurts, but there is nothing to be gained from dragging this out. Even if he did come back, would you want him? I doubt it. There would always be that knowledge of what he had done, and what he could do again. That doesn't half take the shine off a relationship.

Tell him you know, it is irrelevant how, and discuss it no further. You don't live together. That makes it very easy logistically.

Swipe left for the next trending thread