I am on the horns of a dilemma.

[UncreativeAndUseless]

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

Ah - just seen the last update. That was not very fair OP, but it’s done now. I’d apologise to his son and leave it there.

You seem pretty quick with the self-flagellation! You're only human and this is an extremely difficult thing to go through - You've been betrayed in the worst way. Cut yourself some slack.
Unless he's a complete idiot, this won't affect his relationship with his son, it's temporary blip.

I also don't understand how your relationship is so tied to his son's stability if you're more mates with him than anything, haven't taken a parental role, haven't lived under the same roof etc.

Now you've dropped him in it with his dad. Sorry OP but this is fast becoming a shit show and his son is now in the middle thanks to both his dad and you talking about the relationship with / to him.

He isn't in love with you and told you that honestly. Listen to him. Do you want to be with someone who isn't in love with you? No. Do you want to be with someone who lies to you? No. Do you want to be with someone who sulks when they don't have sex on demand? No.

This relationship is damaging all of you. Stop worrying about how to end it because it's already a messy situation now his son told you something and you dropped him in it.

That all sounds harsh I'm sure but you need tough love to end it as it's gotten out of hand.

Onwards and upwards op. The plaster is off now. Try not to beat yourself up

Look, everyone will get over it, his son sounds very mature and he will understand too.

the important thing is you're not being dangled around anymore - focus on that. Break-ups are inevitably painful - but there are better things ahead.

I have already texted the son. It would have come out anyway but I wish it had been more subtle. I'll phone him later and try to explain. He knows what his father is like.

I'm off to sleep for a while. Thank you for those that have been kind and for those who are giving me a kicking, rest assured I know I deserve it.

Only a little kicking. ;)

Oh it is horrible - but you'll get through it, and you'll come out of it feeling more creative and useful.

@ArtemisiaGentle

End the relationship. He's not in it emotionally anymore.

Just tell him that you feel that he has distanced himself from you, and in your heart that you feel that can only be because he has met someone else.

He'll doubtless deny it.

Tell him you can see he's lying and that hurts more than the betrayal. Tell him to bugger off.

Get on with your life.

Although it's not ideal to have mentioned the son, it's not the end of the world. I agree, just apologise to the son and say you had no intention to mention him but his dad put you under pressure and it came out in the heat of the moment.

The main thing you should concentrate on is healing your wounds. It all sounds very painful and he has handled it in a very cowardly and unkind way.

It's hard when you're an introvert because it doesn't mean you need no human contact but it's difficult to get a perfect balance. It's sounds like he used your independence and willingness not to be in each other's pockets against you by being semidetached in the relationship.

You can do so much better OP and you deserve so much more.

Why do you have to call the son later? It seems like you can’t emotionally get to him so you want to get to his son. The son doesn’t need a call - he needs his relationship with his father respected & a simple text would cut it

You aren’t his mother or his step mother

I know this sounds harsh but the more you contact his son the more desperate & sad you will seem

I never get this MN thing of 'get evidence' before you tell him

In cases of affairs, this is often because the typical "script" is for the cheater to totally deny it and gaslight you / tell you you're crazy. And potentially tell everyone else you ended the relationship for no reason and are a psycho bitch etc. Evidence such as clear screenshots avoids all that shit.

Of course, if you know, you know and can end it whenever you want to - but having evidence means he has to acknowledge his part in it.

In OP's situation it matters less because if there are no shared DC and no shared home, and he's already done the "not in love with you" speech, there's nothing to lose.

I have been in this situation and it’s horrid. Please be strong and let him go.
You don’t deserve this and should tell him that you’re moving on.
If you want to be in contact with his son you can do this too, he is 19 years old and can choose who is friends and family are.
Be strong and be happy 💐

Oh and there's nothing wrong with a relationship with separate homes, if you're both happy with it IMO. I'm an introvert and it's the only way I'd do it if I have a relationship again.

Gutful stop being so unkind. The OP has a relationship with the son, which the son obviously values. It's not up to you to say she has to end that friendship.

The son is an adult and he can decide himself if he wants to continue a relationship with the OP, who sounds a much more honest and reliable person than his father. Wanting to be friends with the son, and have that continuity with him, if that's what he wants and it sounds as though it is, doesn't make her desperate and sad.

@UncreativeAndUseless

I have already texted the son. It would have come out anyway but I wish it had been more subtle. I'll phone him later and try to explain. He knows what his father is like.

I'm off to sleep for a while. Thank you for those that have been kind and for those who are giving me a kicking, rest assured I know I deserve it.

But it needn't have come out that his son told you something.

You could have said you'd been thinking about what he said (not being in love with you etc) and looked back on the relationship and can see it hasn't been working so you're ending it.

You didn't need to involve his poor son at all when ending the relationship.

I appreciate it was a lapse in judgement / on the spot thing rather than malicious but you do need to own it. And the fact that you should have ended this relationship by now regardless of whatever his son told you.

Because the man has already told you he isn't in love with you and is clearly not invested in you like you are in him.

I know it feels like everyone is being harsh but it's time to move on from him now.

Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. Everyone says things they regret at some point. You were positioned to act against your wishes and that's awful because reason doesn't always prevail in these circumstances. It's all very well for posters to criticise you but it will be ok I reckon.

But this is a decisive ending for you and that could mean an opportunity to focus on being kind to yourself.

Nearly asleep.

Honestly. I only want to contact his son to apologise for betraying his confidence. I do not at all want to manage any relationship with his father through him. Especially since there is no more relationship.

@gutful

Why do you have to call the son later? It seems like you can’t emotionally get to him so you want to get to his son. The son doesn’t need a call - he needs his relationship with his father respected & a simple text would cut it

You aren’t his mother or his step mother

I know this sounds harsh but the more you contact his son the more desperate & sad you will seem

Bloody hell who pissed on your chips? You really do have quite a narrow view of relationships. If the son wants to continue a friendship with op that's up to him and if he doesn't then I'm sure he'll let her know. Are you always this dictatorial?

Well the son has now learned a valuable lesson - don't get mixed up in other people's relationships, because you will get drawn into it.

OP, make your apologies to the son, but his happiness is not your responsibility.

I’m sorry your relationship has ended. I hope you can take some time to heal.

I want to address some of the posters on this thread who seem dismissive, bemused or incredulous at the friendship between the OP and her ex-partner’s son.

My father dated a woman for 5 years after my mother died. She never tried to mother us, they never lived together, and she lived a full & busy life apart from my dad. But we got on really well, and I liked and admired her a lot.

When they broke up, my father said (cruelly) that she had blamed my sister and me for the split (I don’t know if this is really what she said to him).

So, analogously, I was in a friendly relationship with this woman, as the OP is with the son, and at their break-up we, the children (although I was 17 at the time), were unfairly caught up in the disintegration of the relationship.

I am still, nearly 30 years later, good friends with this woman. I see her as often as distance permits, and stay with her when possible. We enjoy exhibitions and walks together. I am much, much, closer to her than I am to the unpleasant woman my father ended up marrying.

So, it is entirely possible for a teenager to bond strongly with a nice adult, and to remain close to them, despite the original grounds of the friendship disappearing.

OP: if you are close to the son, don’t despair. Give it time for the fallout to settle, then simply be available as the friend you were before.

I wonder how many people here with sons would appreciate their ex’s gf behaving this way with their son?

19 is still an impressionable child

She threw him under the bus to get back at her “ex” and now wants to apologise to make herself feel better?

A text would do it but she wants to make it a call, another discussion to bring up this topic.

I see through it & don’t approve ! This is a public forum

I firmly believe no call to the son is required & a text would suffice, but of course what the OP wants....

@gutful

I wonder how many people here with sons would appreciate their ex’s gf behaving this way with their son?

19 is still an impressionable child

She threw him under the bus to get back at her “ex” and now wants to apologise to make herself feel better?

A text would do it but she wants to make it a call, another discussion to bring up this topic.

I see through it & don’t approve ! This is a public forum

I firmly believe no call to the son is required & a text would suffice, but of course what the OP wants....

You can stop now.

@gutful

After 10 yrs, she has been in his sons life since he was 9yrs. The son has a good relationship with op and may wish this to continue and so it should.

His father has acted in the wrong, no one else.

Oh OP. Hope you manage to get some decent sleep. You've had some really unnecessarily arsey responses on here, and some bizarre pseudo psychoanalysis. You have done the right thing finishing with him, and whilst you must feel really sad, this is the first step towards feeling much better in the long term. There's are lots of supportive people on MN, and it's a good place to talk if your real life options are limited. Take care

I see through it & don’t approve !

Well ladies. We all need to sit down and shut up because @gutful has spoken and told us that SHE DOESNT APPROVE. So therefore her opinion must be held above all others as the only right opinion to be listened to!

Ffs. 🙄