I am on the horns of a dilemma.

[UncreativeAndUseless]

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

I'm sorry to hear of your breakup but it was the right thing for you. It will be painful for a while, but don't ever sell yourself short.

If I hadn't moved in with a man after 2 years, I'd end it. Otherwise it's just dating.

OP, it shouldn't be so hard as you don't have a prolonged divorce debacle, a 'who gets what' debacle. He simply doesn't come over anymore. So you don't have daily reminders of him.

I am just tell him that you're not stupid and you know there is someone else so your ended the relationship because he's too cowardly to do it.

If you have been together a long time ,then of course it is difficult if it comes to an end .You dont live together still and he comes round .Therefore this RL is a little stuck I think .Just say to him that he is probably right ,and dont mention his son at all.Somewhere I read that RL have to move on or they die which is true I think .Have a flirt with the guy at work and drink some (not too much) Vodka!

That’s a shame for you and for the son. But. Onwards!

Honestly, sleveen I wish I'd listened to that instinct 10 years ago. I'm very much an introvert so it suited me in some ways. But you can still be an introvert and find space in a fond relationship.

I won't demand anything of his son but I would be delighted if he wants to stay in contact. He's a laugh.

I don't want to go into too much detail on the "broke sex" thing, but it did involve being ungracious and sulky about "not right at this minute" which led to a total loss of mojo on my part which he then expected me to fix.

Well done. Keep strong. However you are feeling now, remember that it won’t last forever. Freedom beckons...good times ahead. X

I did say his son had said something. This is why I wanted to leave it until later. He was asking questions and I was right on the spot. I feel utterly shit about that and I have already apologised.

Oh it sucks, op, but you can't stay with a fella who doesn't care for you - and ripping off the plaster - as it sounds like you have done - IS the best option.

Flame me. I fucking deserve it.

So sorry I missed one of your updates.

What's done is done. I'm glad that you didn't have tolerate more months of gaslighting whilst he played you.

Oh good grief.

I'm sorry I feel less sympathetic now.

@sleveen

If I hadn't moved in with a man after 2 years, I'd end it. Otherwise it's just dating.

Well that's just you. Others have different views of how their relationship looks. You aren't the relationship police and you don't get to dictate to other people how they define their relationship.

Fair.

Well that was a stupid thing to do. And you know who it will damage most - not you, not him, but his son.

Well done OP. Give yourself time to be sad. That's ok....

Then think about that sexy sounding guy at work.

Is it possible that him declining having sex with you made you feel put out & stop wanting sex with him because You instinctively knew he wasn’t as sexually attracted to you as he should be ?

He declines sex
You get upset & start withholding sex
You expect him to fix his loss of attraction
He tells you he isn’t in love with you anymore
You try to get him to initiate counselling to “prove to you” he wants to fight for the relationship
He continues to not fight for the relationship

It seems like the writing was on the wall here but it took some time to come to light?

Either way you can’t counsel someone into feeling things that aren’t there anymore

And because no children, marriage or financial ties involved there isn’t much to counsel

The relationship has run its course & as others have said, no big break up is required as he doesn’t even live with you.

This could all be over right now if you choose it - so to choose to flog a dead horse & find more evidence that he isn’t in love with you is just hurting yourself even more

@UncreativeAndUseless

Again, I was not involving his son. His son took it upon himself to try to get into his phone and then contacted me. His son didn't want us to break up.

Unfortunately, his son is going to be disappointed as there has just been an unpleasant discussion and I've been handed my keys back. We're done.

I'm simultaneously in a lot of pain and a lot of relief.

So you tell the lad that it’s between you and his father and he should not get involved. You tell him firmly not to spy on his father. Then you do not discuss the breakup with him.

@UncreativeAndUseless

Flame me. I fucking deserve it.

Oh dear. That was a bit unreasonable. I'm guessing heat of the moment. You're going to beat yourself up and his son will probably be really angry but it's done now. You'll just have to ride the fallout wave.

To Helmetbymidnight. Absolutely fair.

He was denying something that he had said was true at that point. Not something that his son may have misinterpreted on his phone.

Sorry it was unpleasant OP - it probably was never going to be ‘adult’ considering how he has behaved.

Honestly, don’t bother with the goady posters - you’ve made it clear you did not ‘involve’ his son, that you haven’t asked him to snoop nor encouraged it. You’ve made it clear you aren’t going to mention, so ignore the unhelpful posters.

Cup of tea - walk - podcast - chat to a friend (even a vulnerable one would want to know this has happened). You will be OK OP - I bet you’ve survived worse.

Sorry, that wasn't clear.

He had intimated to his son that he was definitely interested in someone else. The message on his phone may or may not have been connected with that.

He's a twat and now I am too. Fuck this.

He was looking for an out anyway. He and his son will sort it out between themselves. Not your finest moment but you won't have destroyed their relationship.

Well, looks like today is the first day of the year of your life. Set yourself a time to wallow, them go and do something lovely.