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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am on the horns of a dilemma.

213 replies

UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 04:45

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 21/03/2021 12:59

then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't.

Seems as if the ball is exactly where it needs to be. He isn't picking it up, so you can just move on. No drama.

But, honestly, just don't give him the option to sleep in your bed after he has said he is not in love with you. You are showing him that you will put up with a good deal from him, that you do not even expecting faithfulness.

Ask for your money back, then turf him out. if he doesn't pay up, just chalk it up to experience and get on with your real life. Maybe get an STD test, just to be on the safe side and draw a line under an unsatisfactory relationship.

Your life will just get better and better without him. But you need to be clear you are not interested in him in these circumstances.

CandyLeBonBon · 21/03/2021 13:10

@FinallyHere

then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't.

Seems as if the ball is exactly where it needs to be. He isn't picking it up, so you can just move on. No drama.

But, honestly, just don't give him the option to sleep in your bed after he has said he is not in love with you. You are showing him that you will put up with a good deal from him, that you do not even expecting faithfulness.

Ask for your money back, then turf him out. if he doesn't pay up, just chalk it up to experience and get on with your real life. Maybe get an STD test, just to be on the safe side and draw a line under an unsatisfactory relationship.

Your life will just get better and better without him. But you need to be clear you are not interested in him in these circumstances.

You might want to read the OP's updates?....
GoWalkabout · 21/03/2021 13:26

It's OK, it came out in anger and it serves him right to see himself through his son's eyes now. He has been a let down yet again. He might well take it out on his son but that is not your fault.

WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 13:36

@mam0918

sounds like he dumped you and you are refusing to accept it... I get your feeling hurt especially at the end of a 10 year relationship but you cant force him to love you.

I think you're on the wrong Thread Confused

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 14:56

Awake now. Briefly.

His son has texted me so no need for a phone call. Apparently his father hasn't mentioned it so I won't either. We're friends and I will absolutely not be trying to get to or at his father through him.

Thank you to the people who have been kind. To the people who have twisted my posts, even after repeated clarification, be better.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 16:01

@UncreativeAndUseless

Awake now. Briefly.

His son has texted me so no need for a phone call. Apparently his father hasn't mentioned it so I won't either. We're friends and I will absolutely not be trying to get to or at his father through him.

Thank you to the people who have been kind. To the people who have twisted my posts, even after repeated clarification, be better.

OP you have done the right thing. His Son sounds very decent and kind. Be kind to yourself. 🌺

Splicedbananas · 21/03/2021 16:43

That's good news OP. Hope you get support and start healing soon. Flowers

CandyLeBonBon · 21/03/2021 18:10

@UncreativeAndUseless

Awake now. Briefly.

His son has texted me so no need for a phone call. Apparently his father hasn't mentioned it so I won't either. We're friends and I will absolutely not be trying to get to or at his father through him.

Thank you to the people who have been kind. To the people who have twisted my posts, even after repeated clarification, be better.

I'm so glad op. That must help a tiny bit. I know you'll be feeling rubbish but in a while you'll probably feel like a weight has been lifted. I hope you and son stay in touch if that feels right Thanks
Sakurami · 21/03/2021 18:43

I'm sorry to hear this op. I don't think many people walk away from a 10 year relationship that easily just to keep your pride whatever that means.

Be kind to yourself and the fact that his son is loyal to you speaks volumes of the type of wonderful person that you are.

Enjoy flirting with your colleague 😃

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 19:00

The flirting comment was a joke, to be honest. I very much doubt the colleague would be interested and I'm not sure I am either.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 21/03/2021 19:08

Op, I really don't know why posters have been harsh. They are just unpleasant and absolutely not needed.

You had 10 years and for it to end so suddenly is painful. Yes, you won't have to sort belonging but that doesn't mean the emotions disappear.

Your stepson will have conflicting emotions,on one hand recognition that another bond is broken which will cause sadness and then acceptance his loyalty will be with dad. Parents need to model good relationships and that includes how you move on when a relationship has come to an end. He has set a poor example

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 19:54

It's for the best, I've decided.

I'm off back to my usual username before someone else chooses it, so probably won't be back to this thread anymore.

Thanks again, to the vast majority of you.

OP posts:
BRB2021 · 22/03/2021 01:35

You don't lose your old username if you change it. It's always yours.

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