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Original poster

I am on the horns of a dilemma.

213 replies

UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 04:45

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 21/03/2021 06:11

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

I have had the suspicion that he has been trying to make me the one that ends it.

We don't live together. It's his choice to continue to come round.
That's the confusing thing. He had the perfect get out this weekend...

He has said he is not in love with you. He has not made any proactive efforts with relationship counselling and gaslighted you into the bargain. And you are spot on, he wants you to take responsibility for being the one to end the relationship. You don't need to know anymore than you already do, nor do you need to drag his son into it.

Perhaps he's still not sure about this other woman? Do you want to be kept hanging while he makes up his mind? Bin him off and block him. If he comes to realise that he made a mistake throwing away 10 years with you, he can always do the legwork to put it right.

thosetalesofunexpected · 21/03/2021 06:13

Oops typo mistake I ment to say anxiety /social anxiety if you suffer from this,
that Hynotherapy sessions will be beneficial and useful for you to look into.

minmooch · 21/03/2021 06:14

You don't live together and yet you let him stay the night in your bed after you got the not in love with you speech? And after you have evidence there is someone else?

No way on earth would I have let him in nor stay the night. You deserve more respect than that from both yourself and him.

You are lucky that you don't live with him and can end things immediately. After 10 years together presumably there have been some big treasons/issues/doubts which is why you have not taken the relationship any further forward.

Don't let him make a fool of you.

Fortunefavours1 · 21/03/2021 06:18

Can I ask why you're allowing him to come round if he's made his feelings clear? Have you continued to sleep with him since his pathetic bombshell? Because that cannot be doing your self worth any favours.

I mean this kindly. It's actually besides the point whether there's another woman, so what if he wants you to be the bad guy and end the relationship? It's already over isn't it. Be the bad guy, be the villain, take back control and end it. Better to be the villain in your own life than a passive observer.

Mollymalone123 · 21/03/2021 06:22

He wants you to end it because he can’t- I was going to say it’s classic behaviour if someone who is cheating. He really doesn’t get to pop round to you though- that’s cruel. Just tell him it’s obvious by his demeanour he has feelings for someone else and he’s a coward for not ending things with you first. He will deny and deny and then tell you little pieces of truth until you are half demented- and if for some reason you decide to make a go of things and he wants to stay- it will be hell on earth ( I’m experienced in this matter unfortunately) and any trust you had will be gone forever. Or just tell him to bugger off now and see it as a whole new start for you. I’m sorry as I know it’s hard and sounds terrific his son- 19 is still v young -especially if there has been such a lack of stability around his parents. Good luck

Shoxfordian · 21/03/2021 06:24

Why is he still in your bed if he’s saying these things? Don’t let him come over anymore and start thinking of him as your ex

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 06:27

A lot of posts. Thank you all for your kindness and I apologise if I don't respond individually.

Thank you, thosetalesoftheunexpected for the therapy advice. I just wanted to clarify, I'm not unconfident or socially anxious, and I'm definitely not a people pleaser. I'm just sad.

HomeTheatreSystem Brutal, but thank you. You're right.

minimooch I did let him stay tonight because I still hoped him coming round was evidence he wanted to work things through, even though the gaslighting over the therapy was evidence he doesn't. He was already here, unexpectedly, and asleep when his son worriedly texted me.

To be clear, I absolutely won't be dropping his son in it and I have said to his son that I would still like to be his friend, whatever happens.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 21/03/2021 06:34

Definitely a OW

He is waiting to see what her commitment to him is, before he finally makes the break from you.

He will probably keep coming back to keep you on the back burner.

Draw a line now, and get rid

Modestandatinybitsexy · 21/03/2021 06:36

Why did he tell you he wasn't in love with you anymore if he wasn't going to do anything about it? Was it just to hurt your feelings or was it a way of placing the blame with you?

I don't think I could act the same way after that speech, I think I would have had to ask what he's doing turning up on your doorstep as if everything is fine!

I'm sorry he's being such an arse and that your DSS has been involved but you need to stop being passive and make him make a decision now.

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 21/03/2021 06:38

It's the OP who needs to make the decision ...

TinySongstress · 21/03/2021 06:42

Do it today OP. Don't bring his son into it.

It will hurt, it will probably break your heart but let yourself feel those emotions. Go through them and emerge the other side calmer, happier and stronger. There's power in standing on your own.

Perhaps his Son will continue to be your friend, he sounds like a decent lad.

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 06:43

Thanks to everyone who has been kind again.

So, how do I do this? Conversation when he wakes up, or phone call when he's left which would avoid the Pavlovian response?

He owes me some money (he has always paid me back in the past when he's borrowed money) and a rug. I'm fairly sure he would make good but I would prefer him to do it without any further contact.

I don't actually have anyone in real life to talk to by the way. One close friend died and of the other two, one is fragile and one is fragile AND an ex. I'm NC with my family. The only other person I've got to talk to is a very nosy colleague with whom I have a love/hate relationship.

OP posts:
secretskillrelationships · 21/03/2021 06:43

He wants you to end it because he wants to retain his 'good man' belief even though he clearly isn't. And I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it really doesn't matter who ends it. It takes courage to end something when really you'd like it to be different and it feels unfair that it has to be you when he's the one cheating but it is what it is. The alternative is you carry on drifting on in this limbo which will, sooner or later, impact on your self respect, confidence etc.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 21/03/2021 06:44

To be clear, I absolutely won't be dropping his son in it and I have said to his son that I would still like to be his friend, whatever happens.

Admirable but don’t use your friendship with his son as a device to stay in the loop with his dad. Let him know he can come to you if he needs to but say you’ll keep it to birthday and Christmas to avoid putting him difficult position.
Essentially you don’t do any of the “work” now. End the relationship as you think it’s run it’s course. No contact at all for 6 months. No being friends or booty calls. You can be friends when the break ups over.

I’m sorry this relationship has ended . The feeling of not being enough and the gap now in your life is horrible. However freedom beckons. Fill the gap with friends and new interests as you have no doubt done before. You have no idea what’s in the future so stay optimistic!

TryingAgain16 · 21/03/2021 06:45

Get him gone, get a STD test.

Letting this play out it's death throes without taking control yourself is going to affect your self esteem. He's using you as a convenience and waiting for you to end it as he has no spine.

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 06:45

Son is lovely. His involvement has absolutely nothing to do with me. I'm just grateful he hasn't inherited his father's moral compass.

OP posts:
Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 06:48

To be clear, I wouldn't be asking the son after his father. I wouldn't want to know and it wouldn't be fair on the son.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 21/03/2021 06:53

Get a promissory note from him in the morning for the money owed and the rug. Then kick his arse out.

picklemewalnuts · 21/03/2021 06:55

I'd be very very casual. He's trying to make you do the work, just let go of the rope. Does he just turn up, or message you?

When he wakes up, remind him about the money and rug- 'by the way, can we sort out x and y, please?'
When it's sorted, stop answering/making plans.

Let it die. If he turns up ask him why, as you'd taken the 'I'm not in love with you' and the uninterest in therapy as signs it was over.

Laggartha · 21/03/2021 06:57

Wake him up gently and tell him he has to leave immediately. Tell him you realise that he's right and your relationship has run its course.

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 06:59

I made sure the bank transaction made reference to the fact this was a loan. The money isn't a disaster. I can afford it and he's been stupid enough to give me access to his amazon account so I could just keep renting films till we're even. To be fair, I don't think he'd stiff me on the loan. He's not that sort of arsehole.

I should have known this from the start, you know. "Oooh, I'd like to marry you!" Rapidly rowed back on. Here we are 10 years on. I'm a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 21/03/2021 07:03

You've got to know a nice young man as a result. And had some good times. Don't get hung up on all the negatives- I mean, he's an arse, but let it go and think about the good stuff.

Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 07:03

Wake him up gently and tell him he has to leave immediately. Tell him you realise that he's right and your relationship has run its course.

I can't do that. I can't stand it when people walk away from me. I'm thinking maybe a text.

OP posts:
Original poster
UncreativeAndUseless · 21/03/2021 07:05

You've got to know a nice young man as a result.

I have and I am taking that as a positive. I've got him into a hobby of mine which he occasionally texts for advice about.

OP posts:
sleveen · 21/03/2021 07:08

'I didn't want to involve his son but'? So you asked the son? Out of order. I don't believe that his son contacted you about supposed inconclusive infidelity. Keep his son out of this.

Now leave the relationship. He has told you that he is not in love with you. Why would you stay? You're not wanted or loved by him. Tell him to get out. NOW.

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