I am on the horns of a dilemma.

[UncreativeAndUseless]

About six weeks ago, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." speech. I get it. We've been having intimacy issues. This has been a problem for a while, but this time he has said the above and suddenly gone cold on me.

I arranged a therapy session to try to work things through, then left the ball in his court to arrange the next one. He didn't. When I asked him about it he denied I had asked for another session to be arranged, so I asked him to do it again. He still hasn't.

Tonight, his son contacted me as his father has indirectly hinted to him that he cares for someone other than me and he has now seen a message on his father's phone that made him uncomfortable.

Obviously, I need to speak to my partner. My problem is that my partner's son has asked me not to let on that he has told me.

What now?

He’s laid it out as far as I can see. He cares about you but he’s not in love with you. There may well be someone else. In any case, no amount of counselling is going to solve the issue of him no longer being in love with you for whatever reason. I’m so sorry.

Once he’s gone today, make sure he stays gone. Don’t beg, persuade, try to convince anyone to be with you after they tell you no. That way misery lies.
Good luck. Xx

I can get hold of the phone but not the password. Partner's son has tried to get hold of the password. Honestly not at my instigation. He was worried as we have been the most stability he has had. First I knew of this was tonight when he texted me after probably ex-partner had come round and gone to sleep. I didn't even understand what the son was texting me about at first. I thought he was talking about a friend flashing people! I know some people will think I goaded him into it but I didn't.

Sex won't be happening, by the way. That's a lot of the problem. He broke sex for us but wants me to fix it and I don't have the mental tools, hence me wanting the help of a therapist.

Can people please stop accusing me of involving his son. I didn't. I could have asked him to verify his father's whereabouts a few weeks ago, but I didn't. His son contacted me. He doesn't want the one source of stability in his life evaporating like everything else. Unfortunately, it apparently is.

Thank you to the people who have been kind. I'm about to finally sleep so apologies if I don't respond again for a while.

You need to take away his power..

Say, look I've been thinking about what you've said, and I have decided we should part. I don't want a relationship with you, if you don't love me, I deserve more than that.

Don't involve son just say you know for sure and when he asks how just say something that won't incriminate the son. You don't have to give him much information just as he hasn't given you much.

Here, arrange to see him and ask if he is seeing someone else and if he wants to break up.

Sorry Xenia but this is terrible advice.

The man is asleep in her bed.

He told her six weeks ago he was not in love with her.

It doesn't matter a jot whether he's seeing anyone else or not. The relationship is over.

She doesn't need to passively ask him if he wants to break up. The OP has agency in this. She simply needs to tell him their relationship is over.

And whoever said 'wake him up and tell him to leave immediately' ... I could personally do without that sort of drama. It's true a text would be a little beneath you, OP. I'd be inclined to wait till he's left, then phone him. And Be Very Clear.

How are you this source of stability when you don’t actually live together & haven’t been in a step mother type role with him? It sounds like you’ve enmeshed him as your mate & got him working for you to get passwords to a phone

You should tell his son to stop - that you love him & will always be here if he needs to chat or needs help but that you don’t want him snooping on his dad, that it isn’t important because the relationship is already over

Be the adult - be the bigger person & let the son stop feeling guilty about his father

At the end of the day it is a kindness to the son to not make him feel like he has any power in keeping his dad’s girlfriend around or not. I know you may not mean to but this is selfish to involve him & discuss with him.

You could put a stop to it but it sounds like you enjoy having the son on your “side”

But ultimately blood is thicker than watery& you kind of have to respect that.

Nothing useful to add, but you have great dignity OP. Good luck, you deserve better

:(

"Any idea what I should say to him? I have had the suspicion that he has been trying to make me the one that ends it."

"Ideally, I want him to know I know. I did ask him if there was someone else but he denied it."

And you don't want to let on what his son told you.

I would probably tell him that he can deny there's someone else as much as he wants, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are very clear. I might throw in that he is such a CLICHÉ in how he is behaving, so typical of a man of his age. And I think you're right that he wants you to end it, so I'd probably make that observation too, and point out that it's the coward's way to end a relationship and that you're surprised just how much respect for him you have lost purely because of that. And if he has a key for your place, I'd finish off with asking him to hand it over.

If you can manage it, I'd make my tone regretful and disappointed rather than angry. Disappointed in him, not in the end of the relationship. In a 'so sad, you're not the man I thought you were' kind of way. I would not give him the satisfaction of my tears or my anger.

OP, you're dragging this out. You know what you need to do.

OP, can you pretend that you saw a message on his phone and ask him directly to show you?

If you want him to know that you know just tell him.

“DP I know there’s someone else, You’ve made your feelings clear and I have no interest in competing so it’s time to bring the relationship to an end”

He can deny it all he likes but he’ll know.

@sleveen, many people are choosing to be together apart. And that’s ok too isn’t it?
It doesn’t mean that their relationship is less worthy or whatever because they haven’t decided to move in together or get married. For more that’s not relevant tbh.

"I've given a lot of thought to what you said and you're right, it's time to end things. I know this isn't working for you. It isn't working for me either. I wish you well."

It won't do you any good to continue in this relationship. All the mistrust, second guessing, doubting yourself, being his easy back up plan when things don't work out with the OW.

Good luck

@UncreativeAndUseless, I think when someone has told you they love you but they are not in love with you, you’ve passed the stage of trying to repair things. It’s too late for a counsellor etc.. if this was going to help, it should have happened much before. I think this is the simple reason why he hasn’t booked another session. He has turned the page.

From what you say, on the top of it, it seems that there is an OW involved too. Tbh I wouldn’t bring her into the separation. He told you he had enough. HE has already checked out and gone out the relationship. I’d stop seeing him, having him over and out the responsibility right in his camp.
‘That’s right. We are not together anymore because HE isn’t in love with me anymore. And HE finished the Relationship’ would be my message to everyone,incl his son.

What you can do, if this is right for you, is to be there for his ds and carry in supporting him. He is an adult. You can both chose who you want to have a relationship with. And he can chose to stay in touch/get support from you like he is atm (you’re obviously close even if you’ve never taken that parental figure)

I'd tell him, but make it clear that it was at his instigation - i.e. "On X day you told me that your views towards me had changed. At the time I thought there was a possibility to work this through. It seems there isn't. At your instigation, you need to stop wasting my time and energy and being in my space. Please leave and take x/y/z baggage with you and give me back my keys (and here are yours)."

That way, you are not playing his game by pretending you are the instigator and him the victim, but you are taking back power.

The son is another matter and needs to be dealt with separately. That's complicated but he's an adult and he really had no business in telling you what he did. If you desire, you can be part of his life still if he wants this, but, ultimately, he's not your concern.

I agree it’s over, you don’t need his disrespect and umming and ahhing - it’s cowardly and crap. You need to end it and you can say “I’ve been think about what you said and it’s not good enough for me so it’s over.” You don’t even need a reason, but if you want to give one that’s a perfectly good one so you don’t need to dob in his son.

As for the son, what a decent lad to let you know what he saw. He’s only 19 and has plenty of time for things to work out for him, and you can’t stay in a bad relationship just to give a 19yo stability. I’d tell him you appreciate what he did, you’ll always be there for him and you’re sorry you have to break up with his dad but it’s not his fault. You can still be a friend/maybe a parent figure to him.

Sleeping isn't going well. And now he's awake.

Hi OP

Finishing a relationship after 10 years hurts - regardless of whether you are living together or married. You obviously loved and cared for him.

It seems that you are pretty unsupported otherwise, - going NC with your family was obviously for good reason, but I think people underestimate just how alone that can make you feel. Keep posting here and ignore the odd goady posters - most of us have been through this in one version or another.

Your partner has not been fair or honest with you, so you don’t owe him the ‘sit down and discuss it’ ending, if you don’t want to do that. I hear that you cannot bear people walking away from you and you will have good reasons for that.

If I were you, I’d let him go and then call him later and say

• you have taken on board his comments and that he does not seem to want to be with you or work at the relationship.
• that you strongly suspect that there is someone else, but even if there isn’t, you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you fully and isn’t committed to you.
• that you feel he has pushed you to make this choice as he is too cowardly to do so, and that you wish he’d had more respect for you, especially after 10 years, but you cannot change that.
• wish him well and ask him when / how he will repay the loan and return your rug.
• ask him not to contact you for some time as you need space for yourself.

Be clear - you are worth more, much more. I suspect he will try and delay (I just don’t know what I want / I’m so confused etc.) so stick to your guns. You deserve a partner who does know what they want and who loves and support you.

@UncreativeAndUseless

I can get hold of the phone but not the password. Partner's son has tried to get hold of the password. Honestly not at my instigation. He was worried as we have been the most stability he has had. First I knew of this was tonight when he texted me after probably ex-partner had come round and gone to sleep. I didn't even understand what the son was texting me about at first. I thought he was talking about a friend flashing people! I know some people will think I goaded him into it but I didn't.

Sex won't be happening, by the way. That's a lot of the problem. He broke sex for us but wants me to fix it and I don't have the mental tools, hence me wanting the help of a therapist.

Can people please stop accusing me of involving his son. I didn't. I could have asked him to verify his father's whereabouts a few weeks ago, but I didn't. His son contacted me. He doesn't want the one source of stability in his life evaporating like everything else. Unfortunately, it apparently is.

Thank you to the people who have been kind. I'm about to finally sleep so apologies if I don't respond again for a while.

So you are involving his son. Even if the cyber snooping was the lad’s idea tell him not to get involved and you will not look through his phone.

If or when your partner finds out his son has betrayed him it will cause pernament damage to their relationship, and for what ? So you proof is over when you already know that.

I actually think if you have evidence someone is being cheated on, it can be really hard to keep that quiet and maintain a pretence. I would always rather be told and as such I would usually tell the person if I knew, if it’s was someone I was close to or saw often. It’s only not your business if you don’t know the person - and even then I’d appreciate the info.

OP, what a horrible situation for you. I do know all too well that feeling of sitting next to someone who you know damn well is no good for you and doesn't want you enough, but not knowing how to pull the plug.

The only thing you can do is end things - this gives YOU back the control that he took away. Right now he's pulling your strings and you're dancing to his tune like a fucking puppet. Big ego boost for him! STOP. He's not right for you and you don't need him. You sound fucking awesome. Him, not so much.

Can you make a plan of how to get through the next few hours, step by step? EG

1. Get up and dressed and make coffee/tea and bring him one
2. Tell him you're going to do XYZ today as you hadn't planned on him being round, so he should probably go home. Make it something he won't be interested in, like doing a lot of cleaning or gardening
3. Wait til you know he's home, then send a text saying you've realised that the relationship isn't meeting either of your needs, and you know that he's got his eye on someone else (if you want to mention this - personally I wouldn't bother) so it's best to end it now. Mention the money he owes you and ask him to just transfer it (at end of month if he's waiting for payday.) End by wishing him the best for the future (even if you actually want to tell him to go fuck himself - keeping your dignity will feel better in the long run. Don't let him know he's hurt you, it will give him a massive ego boost)
4. Once he's gone, sit with your feelings for a bit and have a good cry. Message your friends and tell them what's happened
5. Come back on here and vent
6. Have a plan to keep yourself occupied in the short term, e.g. good shows/films to watch, a new video/phone game, start learning something (might be just me but I find learning a new language on Duolingo occupies my mind nicely when I want distracting)
7. Start thinking about a long-term plan for improving your social connections

I found the article that @Number3BigCupOfTea mentioned and it's a cracking read:
markmanson.net/fuck-yes

You might also benefit from reading through the Chumplady website.

You can do this OP

BTW someone else mentioned your thread title - was that influenced by Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance ? If so, you're even more awesome than I thought :)

Stop involving your soon to be ex’s son!

This isn’t a ‘dilemma’: your DP is treating you badly and v likely seeing someone else. Walk away.

Your ex is responsible for his own relationship with his DS. You can offer ongoing kindness, friendship etc if DS would like that.

Honestly Op, I know this is really hard but gather up your self-respect and tell him to leave now, it's over. You don't need to wave "evidence" around like some detective on the telly. He's already told you how he feels and you know that he has someone else in the background. Don't get into some long discussion about it all, just tell him you agree it's over, you're no longer that into him either, and you want him out now.

I think today you should sit down and explain your thoughts. Be calm, as you made clear don't involve his son, say you saw a message which you felt disturbing. Say you understand intimacy issues are here but you haven't tried to address them. But coupled with the closeness to this other woman it's just too much. And so unless you can explain it and your thoughts for moving out of this situation then it's over.

Also there are some spectacularly unempathetic, victim blaming, keyboard warriors again on this post- don't give them the time of day!

Today is going to be hard, but tomorrow is a start of a new journey x