partner wants to leave out of nowhere!

[AngelEyes66]

hi all

i dunno where to start, myself and my partner have been together for 7 years nearly and we have a 2yr old daughter. we have hit a bit of a rut with covid but we dont argue or bicker. we havent been as affectionate lately but still get on. he sent me a valentines card with a lovely message saying 'love you as much now as i always have' then 7 days later he says hes unhappy and has been for 6 months and he wants to leave. to say this was a surprise is an understatement, im heartbroken as i thought that was it for life.
we have always promised to work thru hard times and i feel like its got hard so hes running away!
we have talked and he said he will give us a month to fix it (i asked for 6 months, dont think much will change in a montb).
now he is stonewalling me, wont kiss me back and tells me he isnt in a place he wants to be sexual with me.....what i dont undeestand is he was fine before the 14th feb.
im confused/heartbroken and scared he is throwing it all away. (fyi hes never been good at communicating).
any advice?

He's met someone, if not in person then online or maybe someone he knew pre pandemic.

I'm sorry.

Don’t do the pick me dance. While it hurts, if this is his decision I’d ask him when he’s moving out. Stop doing anything for him - laundry, cooking etc - start acting as though you’re split up from today. Stop trying to kiss him, shag him or plead with him.

There could be any number of reasons he’s done this but you’ll drive yourself mad guessing and it’s not your job to try and placate or win him back. You’ll feel embarrassed when you look back.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

My advice would be, tell him to go this weekend. Don't cry & ask him to stay. Cry after he's left

I know it's hard, I know it hurts, I know it's not what you wanted/expected but experience speaking - clinging in when he wants out is not going to make anything better, it'll just drag the pain out x

There's someone else.

Let him go and don't give in when he comes crawling back.

I would not want to upset you any more than you are already but its likely he has met another woman.

He is clearly not the man you thought he was; he is lily livered and has not told you the truth at all. Why does he need a month to fix it; waste of time for you and if he states he wants to leave then he should go.

You should no longer do anything for him in terms of chores like washing, cooking etc. Only cook and clean for yourself and your DD. You need time and space away from him now and I would be telling him to pack a bag and go to his mother's this evening. I doubt very much that communication is really the issue as he seems to be communicating his non verbal displeasure just fine. That is yet another reason to get him out of there. This is no good for your DD to be seeing either. Do not further do the "pick me" dance here re him if there is another woman involved here.

As pp have said - he's has another woman. Kick him out now and save your dignity.

Sorry to hear this OP - you must be devastated.

The problem with you asking for time to fix things and him reluctantly agreeing (is that right? That's how it comes across in your post) is that it creates a very unequal situation with you desperately trying to make it work and him letting you tie yourself in knots to please him. Do you think he's really committed to making it work?

Do NOT do the ‘pick-me’ dance. He’s either found someone else or his head’s a mess, and either way he needs to see what he is potentially going to lose. If you plead and cling, he doesn’t get to see what not having you in his life is like.
If he snaps out of it, you get to set some terms for a mutually respectful way of moving forward.

You won’t change his mind by being nice to him. I know it sounds counterintuitive but trust me — think back to when you were young and had a BF that you were wavering about. What would have made you keener on him? Him being super loving, attentive, present and affectionate? Or him giving you space, being absent, giving you peace to decide how you felt?

If you’d really gone off him, neither would work! But if you were at all on the fence, then a more absent, silent BF would’ve won you round more than a clingy one.

So do the 180. Withdraw (not emotionally; just remove yourself from his presence as much as you can, fill your time in a different room, don’t draw him into your world). Create routines for yourself that don’t include him. Get legal advice as to where you will stand financially if you split. Make contingency plans.

It’d take a LOT of self-control to do this, but it’d be great if you could try it.

Chasing him for sex (“hysterical bonding”) won’t work.

Asking him to talk about his feelings don’t work. If he’s met someone else, he’ll only lie and invent reasons that will inevitably hurt your feelings. If he’s just confused, he’ll invent reasons that will be vague and nonsensical and only leave you confused.

Retreat. Give him all the space in the universe.

If he can truly lose interest in two weeks, he is not your Forever partner. He is just a bloke. And a messed-up bloke at that.

Agreed, he's met someone. I've only had them refuse to kiss me back when they are about to leave me for someone.

If you plead and cling, he doesn’t get to see what not having you in his life is like.

THIS! But don’t let your confidence drop so that you imagine he will LOVE life without you. He won’t. It’ll be shit. Let him feel that shit. Let him smear himself in all that shit. Life without you will be WORSE.

I'm very sorry, but this is not "out of nowhere", for him anyway. This has OW written all over it.

You should ask him to leave. Take control.

"I can see being here is making you miserable, I think you're right and you should leave."

Lock the fucking door behind him, no begging, Keep. Your. Dignity xxx

I don't agree that you should just kick him out. That makes it easy for him. Sit him down to work out a 50-50 child care split. (He'll have conveniently forgotten he's a dad if he has found someone else.)
Calmly say that you are shocked he could wreck the family so easily, that it's a cliche for a man to walk out when their child is two years old - (statistically most men leave when they have pre-school children) and that you thought he was too intelligent not to see that this rut is short term and made worse by lockdown. But it seems he has mistaken the temporary dullness of lockdown and raising young children with thinking your marriage and your daughter's family life is not worth saving. Ensure he has her every weekend if he works outside the home, or for 50% of the time if you are both WFM. He needs to bond with her and also to see (if he doesn't already) what a tiring job you do. It will also make him starting a new affair more difficult.

I don’t mean to be hurtful, it’s very very raw for you

But get shot of him, he has said the worse thing he ever could in a relationship and there’s no going back from that
It will never ever be the same for you
Don’t cling, don’t chase just hold your head up for you and your daughter,
Say ok, your choice, I won’t be stopping you
You’ll look back and think thank bloody god I didn’t crawl
Might not be today, next week or next month but you will be so proud of yourself
You are worth much more

Ok. Just to play devils advocate from the hang em flog em brigade above.

Why is everyone so sure he's got someone else? I admire this lady for at least having a go at making things better.

I also understand her fella for not wanting to be affectionate with someone he's losing feeling for.

@AmelieTaylor

He's met someone, if not in person then online or maybe someone he knew pre pandemic.

I'm sorry.

This every day of the week.

I posted basically the same post 8 years ago (under a different name)... I was completely blindsided, had the same 'message' as you but in a text that very morning, he agreed to a month of counselling, said he'd been unhappy for months etc etc.

There was another woman - there almost always is. He wasnt interested in the counselling, just wanted a way for me to understand and accept it was over, the message - "well, that's just what you say, isn't it?", complete rewrite of our history was so he could forgive himself for the way he was and would continue to treat me..

It is a well worn script and whilst there is a small chance he's just 'having a moment' or a midlife crisis or whatever, I would brace yourself. I still remember that awful, lost feeling - my world turned upside down whilst he talked the talk but my god, he couldn't get rid of me fast enough

@GentlemanJay

Ok. Just to play devils advocate from the hang em flog em brigade above.

Why is everyone so sure he's got someone else? I admire this lady for at least having a go at making things better.

I also understand her fella for not wanting to be affectionate with someone he's losing feeling for.

Experience and the script. It's blunt, but my god, I'd have benefitted from that rather than putting myself thought couple's therapy and playing pick me.

Through*

@GentlemanJay

Ok. Just to play devils advocate from the hang em flog em brigade above.

Why is everyone so sure he's got someone else? I admire this lady for at least having a go at making things better.

I also understand her fella for not wanting to be affectionate with someone he's losing feeling for.

Because he's already saying things from the cheaters 'script'. The re writing history, saying he's unhappy, stonewalling etc usually signs he's found someone else or have had his head turned . Been here many years and most use the same lines.

I actually didn't discover the script until about a year later.
I was fucking amazed at how accurate it is.
It's staggering.

I will warn that he will turn cruelly cold and become someone you don't recognise. So sorry op.

I've been through exactly this and can confirm that it's The Script. There's someone else. Sorry OP.