partner wants to leave out of nowhere!

[AngelEyes66]

hi all

i dunno where to start, myself and my partner have been together for 7 years nearly and we have a 2yr old daughter. we have hit a bit of a rut with covid but we dont argue or bicker. we havent been as affectionate lately but still get on. he sent me a valentines card with a lovely message saying 'love you as much now as i always have' then 7 days later he says hes unhappy and has been for 6 months and he wants to leave. to say this was a surprise is an understatement, im heartbroken as i thought that was it for life.
we have always promised to work thru hard times and i feel like its got hard so hes running away!
we have talked and he said he will give us a month to fix it (i asked for 6 months, dont think much will change in a montb).
now he is stonewalling me, wont kiss me back and tells me he isnt in a place he wants to be sexual with me.....what i dont undeestand is he was fine before the 14th feb.
im confused/heartbroken and scared he is throwing it all away. (fyi hes never been good at communicating).
any advice?

@itsureis that to me is simple, if I am struggling in a relationship I would open my mouth and speak about it with my partner. I would be mindful there are two people in the relationship both with equal investment in that relationship and communicating when there is an issue can lead to resolution or another way forward. If you get responses like not this again you need to at least try and communicate how serious this is as in a sit down and an eye to conversation. If you can’t do that then take action to get noticed, move out stay with a family member and see what happens. What you don’t do is overlap or monkey branch from one relationship to another because one are you healthy yourself, two it just hurts everyone all round.

@litterbird is spot on you will not be able to reason with him if there is someone else. Those brain chemicals and hormones raging are addictive and you can’t reason with stupid.

[quote itsureis]@Fireflygal "If there are issues to do with lack of affection/sex it should be discussed as that's the mature way to handle relationships. If it can't be fixed then both parties will know they have tried."

And if it's discussed, and the sex/affection still doesn't work, can the partner leave without them being accused of not trying hard enough/ for long enough because the outcome hasn't changed ??

[/quote]
I don’t think anyone is suggesting that people should stay in a relationship they’re not happy about. What you’re saying implies that both parties are open and honest addressing issues and trying to overcome relationship hurdles as a team. If the love has gone there’s no point in either party doing any of the above and everyone should move on painful as it may be.

The situation here is that OP was not aware or not was it discussed that things were heading in this direction. It’s an unexpected bolt where he has been mulling it in private while maintaining a facade of normality. By the time OP knows, there is no chance to discuss or work on it as that choice has been made by him without warning. There’s bound to be shock and we’re just trying to support in this difficult time.

It’s fair enough for him to make this choice but to then continue a charade of trying for a month while refusing kisses etc is just plain cruel of him.

Not really sure what point you’re trying to make or it’s relevance to this situation?

@dane8 that right there it has taken me a long time to understand that and all I have done is prop up the relationship my wife has with OM until she is ready to leave.

Hopefully you own the house and have a job, since yous don’t have the legal protections of marriage.

Although you don't have the legal protection of marriage, he will still have to provide maintenance, based on his wage, for your DD when she is in your care.

You can apply for child benefit and income support/ UC, and also housing and council tax benefit. Neither of these don't take your maintenance payment into account, and are based solely on your income.

If you cannot afford to stay in the family home then apply to the council for housing or look for suitable properties to rent.

I find it amazing how it seems many men then look back at their marriage they're leaving and call it "hell". This is what I found most hurtful and confusing. In my view it was it was probably the best years of both of our lives.

Are people missing that he wanted to leave straight away? He’s only staying because OP begged him to give it six months and he agreed to one, reluctantly. It’s not because he needs to get his ducks in a row or to make sure she’s dangling on a string.

Yes, he should just admit there’s another woman, but OP needs to let him go now instead of enduring a month of agony, which could lead to major bitterness and the childcare arrangements turning sour.

@Noodle765

I find it amazing how it seems many men then look back at their marriage they're leaving and call it "hell". This is what I found most hurtful and confusing. In my view it was it was probably the best years of both of our lives.

It’s not a man thing, my wife is doing exactly this right now because she needs that excuse she leaving for OM. Our marriage was bad, I was a bad husband blah blah blah.

@feeficken true enough . I know I number of women who have also followed the 'script'

[quote Comps83]@feeficken true enough . I know I number of women who have also followed the 'script'[/quote]
Yep often referred to as the cheaters handbook. The one that drives me insane is the “I love you but I am not in love with you” bullshit.

what annouys me is he cant see this is giving up on his family. he somehow thinks that this hasnt got anything to do or has no effect on DD.
he even compared him staying the same as his mum staying with his dad! (his dad was Achoholic , abusive both physically and mentally)
his mum put him straight on that one.
honestly i adore my daughter and love spending time with her (we both work fulltime so we she is in childcare mon-friday). the thought of only seeing her half of the time hurts me alot! all because he thinks the grass is greener.
literally everyone we know is shocked and said but ur so good together and that isnt just outer appearances, we are. we just stopped spending as much time on us and have become mum and dad.

Of course you’ve become mum and dad - you’ve got a toddler. Mature adults know that the couple relationship take a serious backseat during that time.

Given timings (5 years pre-child, 2 years with a child), I did wonder if this was all about him not getting all the attention he wanted since your DD was born.

Either way, OP - this is on him, not you. You will get through this and get to a better place. Let him go now. Allowing him to stick around is prolonging the hurt. Listen to @feeficken who is sharing such helpful insights.

@feeficken - I’m sorry you’re going through this, too.

The thing that shocks me most on these threads is the spinelessness of those who have affairs and put the blame on their partners. I wish they’d just own that they’ve done a lousy thing and that’s on them. But it seems like most people who have affairs don’t have the maturity to do that.

@AngelEyes66 you will probably see a lot of what I write hits home and some of what you said I can understand. People where totally shocked when I told them we where separating and said they thought we where the last people they thought would split.

We’ve been together as teenagers.

You wouldn’t believe half the crap I’ve put up with the last year, I’ve done everything I could to turn this around and it’s all been thrown back in my face.

That’s the worst part of it all @AngelEyes66 the fact they can just walk away so easily with absolutely no fight. I got the but why shouldn’t I take my chance to be happy and I am like WTF you clearly have not been in the same marriage as me, their minds are twisted. Problem is they are getting all their emotional needs met in the background by OM/OW and have that relationship to now build.

Oh @AngelEyes66 ive only skimmed the thread but the part about him staying at his DM's only after being at your popped out at me.
My EXH did exactly this, after 25 years together and 4 DC, he would come after work act like a husband and father but when my DC were put to bed at 9 on the dot, he left to stay at his aunt's as he wasn't happy and needed space.
I let this go on for a year and YES he did have an OW, he was cake eating and spending most weekend nights with me trying to ' give us a chance'
I hope it's different for you but for the sake of you DC, Dont let yourself be used or your self esteem/mental well-being be ruined.
Good luck.

@feeficken i am getting the same thing. i deserve to be happy speech. he says yes we have a nice happy life here with you and DD, its comfortable and fun but there is no spark here. when ive spoken to a counseller and looking into it, if its just that then it can be worked on. which is why i suspect OW, he keeps saying we are very different as he enjoys going out drinking and im not a big drinker. which has always been the same but we both like video games(thats how we met, we both worked in a gaming store) we are both massive nerds, we like going to gaming conventions, weekends away. going for meals/cinema etc which obviously since DD has been born and lockdowns we havent been able to do. but i feel like he is picking on anything to make it seem like we shudnt be together. he brought up an argument we had over 5 years ago when we were on a night out!
i mean what the hell?

He’s doing and saying these things because he wants out. He’s not a keeper and he’s not reliable. Of course you’ve become mum and dad. Before my kids on a Sunday I’d stay in bed until midday, get up go to the pub for brunch then roll home and veg on the sofa watching soap operas. Maybe order in Chinese for dinner. You can’t do that with toddlers around. You can go back to that when they’re older and doing they’re own thing. Every parent in the world has to knuckle down. What makes him so special. The truth is he doesn’t enjoy having kids and I’m really sorry but I’ve got a video gamer husband and we had the exact same issue. Men who are into long story mode kind of games do not make good bet parents.

Have you bickered over him not being able to spend all weekend gaming? Made him switch off games to spend “family time”? If you have then that’s your answer.

I'm so sorry for you it's hard. My partner left me on Friday by saying he was off for some socks and when I went home he had emptied Half of my house. I have no bed no tv no fridge and my children come back from their dads today. I'm beyond broken.

@AngelEyes66....I am so sorry he really has had his head turned by someone. The most cruel thing about this is now he is offering up on a plate telling you how you are not suited. In his mind you are not the primary relationship now and his energy is now being wanted elsewhere. This really is the script going on right now for you. Its bloody heart breaking and have been right where you are and know exactly how you feel. It took me 4 weeks after mine "suddenly" left to discover her. The only thing I did, and believe me it was the hardest thing I did, was when he walked out that door I never, ever contact him, chased him or let him know how devastated I was. I......was......silent. Of course it never worked out with the OW and within a year he was begging, hounding and scraping on his knees to return. It was just pathetic. So, try and gather up your strength, show him the door, bid him farewell, dont listen to his bullshit of how your relationship was to him. Start to heal. Good luck x

@rulerbirds no. we always spend time as a family. he only games ince our daughter is in bed. like i said we dont nag or bicker etc.

also update hes just gone to his mums, i told him their is no point in trying if he doesnt want it to work. hes still trying to say our relationship doesnt work, i told him tell yourself what u need to hear to make it easier on yourself.
with it all he is a good dad, i will say that. he does half of most things.
all i can do is try and deal with it day by day but my god it hurts.

He wants out. Whether it’s another woman or a general feeling of having “missed out” but the idea of some/random other woman is appealing to him so he is rewriting history

What I will say is someone can decide to leave a relationship for whatever reason & it is not fair to guilt them into staying by saying they are abandoning their whole family.

I understand you’re hurting but try to keep this about you both & not about his relationship with child.

Someone can decide they don’t want to be with their partner anymore & children should not be used as tools to guilt them with

I am not saying you’re meaning to do that but just above you did say that what annoys you is how he “can’t see how this is giving up on his whole family” - no he is giving up on you, whether he daily his children in future remains to be seen - but that is a flawed perspective of looking at it & not conducive to a healthy breakup.

you have been begging for him to commit to slogging it out another 6 months to try to make it work & I must say that seems like a lot to ask someone when they are telling you they don’t love you anymore.

Best for counselling to help you find the tools to peacefully split up. But to be wanting therapy to try & fix this - it will be a waste of 6 months. He had emotionally flown the coop.

Right now you are doing the “pick me dance” and it’s pretty failsafe that when he starts to date very quickly after leaving you will regret trying to beg & convince him into choosing you.

Oh just read your post that you have kicked him out & he has gone to his mothers

Awesome idea. If he wants out then he should be out, not having any creature comforts of being with you.

That can’t have been easy & hope you’re able to get onto baggage reclaim & find help there.

Well done op. I think getting him out is a wise move. I’ve done the whole dragging it out and it’s so painful. Try and go nc with him - accept to discuss dc. If he feels the loss of you he may come to his senses or he may not but more likely with the distance than being at home with you. Keep strong !