Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner wants to leave out of nowhere!

224 replies

AngelEyes66 · 05/03/2021 16:09

hi all

i dunno where to start, myself and my partner have been together for 7 years nearly and we have a 2yr old daughter. we have hit a bit of a rut with covid but we dont argue or bicker. we havent been as affectionate lately but still get on. he sent me a valentines card with a lovely message saying 'love you as much now as i always have' then 7 days later he says hes unhappy and has been for 6 months and he wants to leave. to say this was a surprise is an understatement, im heartbroken as i thought that was it for life.
we have always promised to work thru hard times and i feel like its got hard so hes running away!
we have talked and he said he will give us a month to fix it (i asked for 6 months, dont think much will change in a montb).
now he is stonewalling me, wont kiss me back and tells me he isnt in a place he wants to be sexual with me.....what i dont undeestand is he was fine before the 14th feb.
im confused/heartbroken and scared he is throwing it all away. (fyi hes never been good at communicating).
any advice?

OP posts:
IamTotoro · 05/03/2021 19:47

He's met someone else. This is classic behaviour.

Turnipnose · 05/03/2021 19:50

It’s not YOUR lack of affection. It’s his. He has been directing emotional energy to someone else and he is lacking in giving affection to you. It’s projection. Don’t get tied up about what you’ve done. It’s not you, sadly some people’s heads get turned and they think it’s the answer to everything. He will have the same issues with anyone. Put yourself first. He is.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 05/03/2021 20:06

see this is what i dont understand for instance tonight he has come home from work with a coffee for me (i love my lattes) and putting kisses on messages. i feel like im getting mixed signs 😣 .

OP posts:
cookiedoughsweetiepie · 05/03/2021 20:07

He has set an impossible deadline of 1
Month for things to improve because for some reason he wants it to fail. And so he can step back and say oh look we tried-and not feel guilty.

WizardOfAus · 05/03/2021 20:09

@AngelEyes66

see this is what i dont understand for instance tonight he has come home from work with a coffee for me (i love my lattes) and putting kisses on messages. i feel like im getting mixed signs 😣 .
Because he’s having his cake and eating it, too. He’s keeping you dangling.

You need to get onto the CHUMP LADY website and read through all of her articles. She explains the script... and also, Cake Eating. Link is here:

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

He 100% has another woman. Sorry OP.

WizardOfAus · 05/03/2021 20:12

Here is an excerpt from the CHUMP LADY website about cake eaters. I’m sure you’ll find it familiar:

Cake eaters act vague. They need time. They appeal to you for patience. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.

There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave.

Treacletoots · 05/03/2021 20:14

He's trying to keep you sweet whilst he gets his shit together. And confuse the fuck out of you too.

Wise up. Quickly. Sorry OP. He doesn't get to check out of being a father. Tell him to plan what his 50/50 parenting looks like, and to shut the door when he leaves.

Do
Not
Do
The
Pick
Me
Dance

Stop trying to understand him. Start trying to understand how to sort yourself out, so you can get on with your life without this deceitful shit.

Btw. My DH has never been secretive with his phone ever. Only people with something to hide behave like that.

FlaviaSabina · 05/03/2021 20:45

He's being sweet because he's told you now, so he's not feeling the pressure of having to tell you he's leaving. He's excited about leaving after his month is done. He knows you want him, so he gets to feel all lovely and warm inside. He's got a woman who will beg for him and he gets to head off into the sunset and do whatever he's got planned. He's not losing a thing in his mind, so a few tidbits thrown your way don't cost him anything, and he can kindly despise you. Look up Grey Rock for your own protection.

Also the line about not getting affection is usually the go to, so later when an affair comes to light they can say it's because they weren't getting it at home.

Protect yourself OPFlowers

Outbutnotoutout · 05/03/2021 20:47

Catch him unawares and ask to see his phone
Right now
This minute

If he has nothing to hide, he will hand it over

My bet he will refuse, nip off to the toilet, delete all the messages, and then claim you are paranoid.

YesItsAPeacock · 05/03/2021 20:56

Look OP, I understand where many on this thread are coming from and I do agree with them that he’s met someone else. I don’t necessarily agree that he is being deliberately cruel or malicious. A cowardly shitbag, yes. Maybe he has struggled with how he feels for a long time but can’t be something he isn’t - he’s not in love with you anymore.

He’s being nice to you probably because he’s fundamentally a nice person and doesn’t want to hurt you. He has hurt you, but that’s what happens when you fall for someone else. He is relieved to have finally admitted it (or part of it), so now he can be affectionate, but lattes and text kisses aren’t love, they’re friendship.

He’s gone about it all wrong, they always do, that’s why there’s a script.

You will both be miserable if he stays, and he will cheat again.

You’re in for a very, very rough few months, but you’ll survive.

I’m so sorry.

Fireflygal · 05/03/2021 21:52

What difference does it make why?

If there is an OW (and really likely to be) then he is lying to his partner. This causes conflict and lack of trust which makes co parenting later on really difficult. Also if you have an affair it usually suggests low emotional intelligence. You don't end a relationship by an affair, it's destructive and disrespectful. If there were issues in the relationship there should be a commitment to work on it because there are children involved.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 05/03/2021 21:57

i agree tbh... we had a 1 year old when we went into lockdown so our lives have been changed alot in the last 2 years and i think thats a lot of it. im in a area where we have had national lockdowns for nearly a year now so not been able to social or have family days out or go for date nights out. but again he doesnt think thats the problem 🤷‍♀️. i feel like no one wants to work on relationships anymore

OP posts:
CuteBear · 05/03/2021 21:58

Is he worried about money? His job? Could he be depressed? There might not be another woman.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 05/03/2021 21:59

A lot of us have worked at them OP.

But if a partner has checked out then it is futile.

MsDogLady · 05/03/2021 22:01

Angel, he has an agenda and is way ahead of you. Take control and tell him to leave now. As devastating as it is, he has disconnected and is not committed to working it out.

He has likely been investing his emotional energy elsewhere. Swearing on a loved one’s life is part of the cheater’s script.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t diminish myself by doing a torturous month long Pick Me Dance in limbo land. Gather your strength and send him away.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 05/03/2021 22:04

his job is very stressful and he has been depressed in bouts in january he was depressed as his mum is quite vulnerable and was constantly worrying about covid and her dying. i think he is depressed

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/03/2021 22:07

i feel like no one wants to work on relationships anymore

He doesn’t want to work on your relationship any more, he wants you to do it while his attention is elsewhere

CuteBear · 05/03/2021 22:14

@AngelEyes66

his job is very stressful and he has been depressed in bouts in january he was depressed as his mum is quite vulnerable and was constantly worrying about covid and her dying. i think he is depressed
Depression and stress can make you withdraw and attempt to hide your real feelings. This builds up until you erupt. It’s even worse if you struggle with communication. You don’t want to “bother” your loved ones, but communication is important.
DeeCeeCherry · 05/03/2021 22:14

He's getting ready to move on with someone else. He's just not telling you. Always on FB messaging so I guess that's where they're doing their planning and love declarations.

He can't even be intimate with you. Don't beg or plead. Let him go. Remember he has to support you & DC so if there's any paperwork you think you'll need, either do a copy or take a photo of it.

Yes there could be men who leave, without another woman involved. I have never personally known of one, however. An OW always emerges, usually after having been hidden away for a while or is overseas - so he can have a nice clean blame-free break.

That's not an MN narrative it's a reality of life narrative.

Sorry this has happened OP, at least you can gather your thoughts now.

Mix56 · 05/03/2021 22:15

By telling him to leave you will not play the "pick me" dance, he wont be able to blow hot & cold, he will feel the shock of cold water, sleeping in a friends couch, not seeing his dc every day,
He has an OW, he has to make a decision, & it will be in your best interests to make it uncomfortable for him, not allowing him to prepare to let you down slowly, giving you hope when there isnt any.
"Giving you a month" is code for "I'm going but I dont wont everyone to know Im running directly to an OW"

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 05/03/2021 22:21

he did leave at first for 2 days and i know he went to his mums at night (aftee seeing our daughter) not saying it doesnt mean their is someone else just that he didnt stay with anyone those nights.
like uve all said im just gonna focus on me and my daughter, get a plan to protect myself from the mess he is making.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 05/03/2021 22:44

can say he passed me his phone when i asked him and no messages etc on there. he didnt have time to delete them, unless he does it after every message.

OP posts:
feeficken · 05/03/2021 22:47

@HollowTalk

There's a little routine men like this like to perform.

Tell you the magic has gone
Blame you for lack of magic
Deny there's someone else
Deny
Deny
Deny
Swear on child's life
Admit to having a friend
Admit to the friend kissing them (never the other way around)
Admit to having sex with the friend but it's because you were doing something wrong
Plead with you to have them back
Get angry if you won't take them back
Threaten suicide
Leave
Within a week living with the 'friend'

This is straight out the cheaters handbook which both men and women read from
VenusTiger · 05/03/2021 22:53

I'm going against the grain @AngelEyes66 - the message in the card sounded like a cry for attention - you say you've not been so affectionate with eachother lately - does he feel unloved and unwanted? How has he changed in this way?

VenusTiger · 05/03/2021 23:05

I have a lot of experience with depression @AngelEyes66 and this really stuck out for me:
he also talks about our relationship as if its been 7 years of hell, which is a lie.

I think he's depressed and can't see a way out with you in his life, he doesn't want to drag you with him - that's a massive burden and guilt is no friend of depression.