partner wants to leave out of nowhere!

[AngelEyes66]

hi all

i dunno where to start, myself and my partner have been together for 7 years nearly and we have a 2yr old daughter. we have hit a bit of a rut with covid but we dont argue or bicker. we havent been as affectionate lately but still get on. he sent me a valentines card with a lovely message saying 'love you as much now as i always have' then 7 days later he says hes unhappy and has been for 6 months and he wants to leave. to say this was a surprise is an understatement, im heartbroken as i thought that was it for life.
we have always promised to work thru hard times and i feel like its got hard so hes running away!
we have talked and he said he will give us a month to fix it (i asked for 6 months, dont think much will change in a montb).
now he is stonewalling me, wont kiss me back and tells me he isnt in a place he wants to be sexual with me.....what i dont undeestand is he was fine before the 14th feb.
im confused/heartbroken and scared he is throwing it all away. (fyi hes never been good at communicating).
any advice?

he says hes unhappy as we arnt as affectionate towards each other anymore. we had a nice wekend laughing/joking and family time. then hes like it doesnt make any difference i dont feel the same way.
if we argued etc or didnt get on id understand wanting to leave but weve been happy as far as i knew.
he also urged me to take a temp job as it was a dream job so i left my permanent one with the hopes my temp will become permanent, i was hesitate as i need stability but he assured me we would be fine financially...thats my other worry as im gonna be stuck.

one minute he is sending me cute pictures and saying we shud go to some gigs when things open and next he doesnt want to be together.
hes a very social person so tha last year has been hard for him and with his job hes worked more than befoee because of covid. lots of extra stress so part of me things hes a bit depressed.
im just so confused with it all.

I would say 99% therd is soneone else and he planned it. It's pointless to ask him, he will lie.
Can you be strategic and shake him a bit? Just for him to realise the implications.
Tell him to move out imm3diately, 50/50 child care and after that you will discuss what to do with the house, how to split assets and do on.

Have a look on his phone, emails I bet the evidence is there

hes super secretive with his phone always has been. no way would i get into it

He's found someone else! Don't give it a month get rid of him xx

There's a little routine men like this like to perform.

Tell you the magic has gone
Blame you for lack of magic
Deny there's someone else
Deny
Deny
Deny
Swear on child's life
Admit to having a friend
Admit to the friend kissing them (never the other way around)
Admit to having sex with the friend but it's because you were doing something wrong
Plead with you to have them back
Get angry if you won't take them back
Threaten suicide
Leave
Within a week living with the 'friend'

Never believe a man that swears on a kids/his mother’s life

Classic sign of a liar. He’s either already with someone else or he would like to be. Send him on his way. Do not be someone’s fallback.

He’s almost certainly got someone else. The fact he is so secretive with his phone says it all really.

I would start to get angry. He is a cunt.

Im sorry to hear this .I sadly think as many others have said here that he has someone waiting in the wings, Im afraid.Most men wont normally leave without a new woman .He is being very unkind and making you leave your job for a temporary one is the pits .Try and reach out to friends /family in RL and get all your ducks in a row financially as well.Sending hugs to you op xxx

@GentlemanJay

Ok. Just to play devils advocate from the hang em flog em brigade above.

Why is everyone so sure he's got someone else? I admire this lady for at least having a go at making things better.

I also understand her fella for not wanting to be affectionate with someone he's losing feeling for.

It’s a truism, I’ll see if I can find the evidence, but men rarely leave without another partner lined up.

As pp have said call his bluff. Make it clear he is the one that wants to end things, he can go. Do not apologise to him whatever you do - he can say your relationship has been 7 years of bad, but he's full of shit. Say you disagree with his overall view, and that seeing as he is so unhappy he can go. Right now.

I'm so sorry this is happening op. What a dick.

I've been through similar and in my case, the 'month to work on it' was just a way for him to sort out his next moves and then to claim afterwards that he 'tried'. In reality it gave me false hope and just prolonged the pain. It also delayed the essential process of accepting what had happened, working through the emotions and establishing my new life. That process is so so difficult - like you, it came out of the blue and I have never felt so emotionally messed up. But, it's true that it just takes time to recover from the shock and hurt - please take care of yourself and know that it will pass and although it will be difficult, you will be ok.

Stay calm and tell him to leave. Heard the same lines when partner cheated with a coworker. You will never be able to trust him again or count on him during relationship/life storms as he deals with things by enjoying feelings for someone else, external validation. It will hurt a lot I won’t lie but don’t let him see anything just say okay and tell him to go.

Cherchez la femme!

But don’t waste too much head space on it. Get your ducks in order. Get yourself strong. Stay dignified and let him go and fuck it up.

@Etinox You say very rarely so it IS possible for men to leave an unhappy relationship without the need for finding someone else first.

And why are we presuming that this guy wouldn't want to have 50/50 childcare ?
I'm sure he wants to be in his DD life, and if not, then I'd be leaving him for being a useless father.

These are all things that need to be worked out eventually OP, and as time goes on you may find that things change to suit all three of you. But would you want to stay in an unhappy relationship ? And how can you be 100% happy if he is not ?
Do you not feel that something is lacking in the relationship? Something that neither of you are willing to address ?

I understand you want the comfort and stability atm but are you willing to throw away years of your life ?

You need to seriously talk with him, which might be difficult if he's not much of a communicator, but all in all do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you ?

In his head he is away.

It is a matter of time before his body follows.

Your heart will break regardless of the time frame. I’m with @zzzooomwatcher and so many others.

Get him gone now. You deserve better

I do know of one man who left his wife without someone in the wings. I know of at least 10 who left to be with an OW. That's my anecdata of course!
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter at this point. Tell him to piss off and prepare yourself for at least the possibility of someone else. Don't ask. You won't get the truth.
If there is they will have magically met just after you split.

I agree with the majority here, he’s met someone else. People don’t have to be arguing all the time for a relationship to end - sometimes one person just falls out of love with the other.

I hate to point this out too, but there’s a big old loophole in that “lovely” valentine’s message. This hasn’t happened in the last two weeks, it’s been going on for a while, and his guilt made him write something he can defend later (“maybe I never really did love you...”). It’s a lie for your benefit and his - he wants to believe that.

It’s shit he’s deceiving you, but there’s no point trying to make it work. You’ll exhaust yourself.

id never want either of us to throw away years of our lives ofc not. but i also dont think when you hit a rough patch, you give up. we have had them before very early in our relationship and we weather the storm.
if he hasnt got anyone else, hes realised he isnt happy with the lack of affection and is deciding to run instead of work on it. which is what i dont understand at all 😣.
i waited to have a child with someone i thought wudnt do this and he knows how much it means to me to be a family and not a broken one.
when it comes to our daughter he is an amazing dad and wudnt want anything but 50/50.

I agree with others there’s likely to be someone else or something more to this. I think trust your intuition...if you feel he’s been on his phone etc that might be a red flag.

I suspect more will come out with time.

Sorry op. I hope you have supportive family and friends who can give you real life support

Sweetheart he wants to leave.

I think it is beyond a rough patch. I’m so sorry.

I know someone who quite genuinely turned on a sixpence like this— it wasn’t an other woman- it was a ton of debt about to catch up with him and car repossessed etc— he literally wanted out the house so those chasing him didn’t know where he was and was too cowardly to tell his wife — not good I know but sometimes it isn’t another woman.

And if he genuinely wanted more affection he would be wanting to stay so he could get it.

Running away won’t get him more affection (unless it is from someone else) so that is a nonsense from him.