partner wants to leave out of nowhere!

[AngelEyes66]

hi all

i dunno where to start, myself and my partner have been together for 7 years nearly and we have a 2yr old daughter. we have hit a bit of a rut with covid but we dont argue or bicker. we havent been as affectionate lately but still get on. he sent me a valentines card with a lovely message saying 'love you as much now as i always have' then 7 days later he says hes unhappy and has been for 6 months and he wants to leave. to say this was a surprise is an understatement, im heartbroken as i thought that was it for life.
we have always promised to work thru hard times and i feel like its got hard so hes running away!
we have talked and he said he will give us a month to fix it (i asked for 6 months, dont think much will change in a montb).
now he is stonewalling me, wont kiss me back and tells me he isnt in a place he wants to be sexual with me.....what i dont undeestand is he was fine before the 14th feb.
im confused/heartbroken and scared he is throwing it all away. (fyi hes never been good at communicating).
any advice?

@Labobo

I don't agree that you should just kick him out. That makes it easy for him. Sit him down to work out a 50-50 child care split. (He'll have conveniently forgotten he's a dad if he has found someone else.) Calmly say that you are shocked he could wreck the family so easily, that it's a cliche for a man to walk out when their child is two years old - (statistically most men leave when they have pre-school children) and that you thought he was too intelligent not to see that this rut is short term and made worse by lockdown. But it seems he has mistaken the temporary dullness of lockdown and raising young children with thinking your marriage and your daughter's family life is not worth saving. Ensure he has her every weekend if he works outside the home, or for 50% of the time if you are both WFM. He needs to bond with her and also to see (if he doesn't already) what a tiring job you do. It will also make him starting a new affair more difficult.

I think this is good advice. He's leaving you, but he is NOT allowed to leave his child. So as Labobo says, sit him down and talk access. And not a woolly 'you can see DC as often as you want' - this does not allow you to move on. Formalise it - fixed dates, fixed times, so that you and DC both know what you're getting and aren't left hanging about. He doesn't get to piss you both about.

1000% Shark eyes.
Best to preserve dignity and strike fast to get the best settlement/arrangements while there may still be a little guilt.

I agree with PP he has met someone else, men don’t generally leave unless they have someone else to go to. Even if he stays you will never trust him fully again.

I know this might feel counter intuitive, but you need to pull back from him now. I'd even go so far as to say to him

'you've thought about what he's said, and taking into account his behaviour over the past week, you think he should move back in with his parents and then you can both start making plans to divorce'

He needs to understand and feel the weight of his decision, whilst you're still leaving the door open for him he can choose to have a foot in, and out, of your marriage. If he comes back and genuinely wants to work at it then great, if not then you've lost nothing. But he does need to feel the stark reality of losing his wife, kids and everything around him to actually appreciate what he's asked to happen.

I’ve been through a similar situation OP and there’s nothing you can do. I did do what everyone here is recommending against ie “pick me dance” and I suspect you might do the same but I implore you not to.

They just lose whatever respect is left for you as you degrade and demean yourself. If there’s any chance of this rectifying you HAVE to go grey rock (google ‘grey rock’) and let him realise what he’s losing. It’s so so hard and it’s such cruel and shocking behaviour- I feel your pain but you will hurt more if you put yourself in a situation where he can reject you or throw you a bone on an ongoing basis.

In my case I genuinely didn’t think there was OW and it was actually during dark days of solitary navel-gazing in lockdown (a few yrs later) that a few different things that didn’t register at the time occurred to me and suddenly the pieces of the puzzle were extremely obvious and I’m now 100% convinced there was, that he wanted freedom to pursue this while keeping me as a devastated Gollum trying to keep precious.

I eventually told him to F off and I moved away; he couldn’t believe it and spent 18m trying to get me back but the disgusting and untrustworthy way he’d behaved dropping the bomb unexpectedly meant that I had lost all love and respect for him. This was all without thinking there was an OW which I now see there was.

So irrespective of any OW he has treated you cruelly by suddenly coming out with this with no warning, how could you EVER trust him not to do this again, if even you persuade him to stay. It’ll happen again. It’s so hard but for your own mental health you need to protect yourself from him at this point. I wish I’d been on MN when I was going through it, so at least you’ll get the right advice - please listen to everyone here xx

thank you for replying.
I do feel so hurt,i would understand if he came to me and said im unhappy we really need to work on our relationship but it was i want out.
i know im gonna drive myself crazy thinking why? why when he has a partner who he gets on with, supports him and care for him, we dont argue or nag at each other? he has in his own words 'a very nice life' who he was planning a future with.

its ok everyone ive been looking into everything about finances/house/childcare

He doesn’t want to work on your relationship, he wants it to end. I’m so sorry, but that’s all there is to it.

There’s more to a relationship than nice life and no drama. I’m still good friends with my ex, doesn’t mean I could ever contemplate being in a relationship with him again.

Please don’t demean yourself by begging him to reconsider.

You probably heard the expression that men havd two brains. All those points you listed are logical and make sense for the "upper" brain.
But there is "lower" brain which operates in completely different dimension - passionate sex can influence men decision making process.

If you want to fight for your family, you need to find out if he has someone but without asking him and at the same time push him out of his current comfortable position to show him that he is about to make a big mistake.

Can it be someone from his work?

@tropicalwaterdiver

I also think the Valentines message was a bit strange - as if he was trying to persuade himself perhaps. Whatever the cause of this, he’s clearly decided the grass is greener elsewhere and he’s sending conflicting messages because he’s comfortable now - he sees nothing odd in treating you like a very good friend rather than a partner - he’s got over the hurdle of saying he wants out and you and he both feel like he’s holding all the power.

Take some power back. Let him experience life without you. As PP have said, he’s not going to feel the loss of you while you’re clinging on for dear life. You can tell him you love him and you’re very sorry he feels this way but you can’t handle being around someone who is treating you like this so he needs to move out and you need to prepare a co-parenting schedule for your DD. The stark reality of life without you may bring him back quite quickly or he may embrace it wholeheartedly but letting him have this all on his own terms, as is currently the case, won’t get you to a good place.

I’ve not been in this position myself but I grew up with parents whose marriage was in a more or less permanent state of collapse. It eventually ended in divorce when DS and I were adults and it was a relief. They were actually better as friends than spouses and my mum went on to meet the love of her life in her mid-50s.

And FWIW, some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents are separated but co-parenting reasonably and sensibly and some of the most sorted adults I know were raised in such units. So please don’t worry about that.

Sorry - that should be @AngelEyes66.

PS - sorry you’re going through this. Just know it’s not on you. Get as much RL support as you can. This is too much to bear alone if you don’t have to.

@tropicalwaterdiver

With respect, this two brains thing is nonsense. There are all manner of “logical” reasons why a man or a woman might stay in a relationship, it doesn’t mean they can get past not being in love anymore.

I can’t understand why anyone would try to get someone to stay for practical reasons, when what they really want is for the love to come back. In that scenario, everyone is lying to themselves and each other. What’s the point? He’ll only cheat again, and you’ll all be miserable.

He's met someone else and either already has or wants to start something with him.
It's so hard but the best thing to do now is to tell him to leave now.
There is no point "working on it" or "trying again" because the same thing will happen the next time he sees someone he fancies. I have been through this and it was hell. I wasn't strong enough to not take the fucker back when his WhatsApp crushes turned out to be nothing.

Take control back. Get him out. Cry when he has gone. And then stay strong. You deserve better than this
Also it's better to be single than clinging on in a relationship waiting for someone to throw you crumbs of affection and waiting for the next time he decides to do off somewhere. Don't feel you have to be in a relationship. Being single is also good.

It's out of nowhere for you but it's not for him . You're just catching up . I imagine there is someone else.

I've not read all the replies, but wanted to say this happened to me about 10 years ago. We were very happy, out of the blue he wanted to leave and left a few days later. Like all emotion for me was extinguished overnight.

The ladies on MN said he was having an affair and she would materialise at some point. She never did, he wasn't having an affair.

He was having a nervous breakdown, that was so severe that nearly a decade later he is still ill. The cause as we can best identify was that he had a nasty TBI (head injury) a few months before and stress triggered a breakdown.

It was very sad, he never went back to himself. I am not saying this is what's happening to you but just that people can have all sorts of internal experiences so try and get him to have a depression test and so on

my head still cant get around when he starting having doubts why he didnt say something. so we could try and repair it instead of waiting till it was too late.
sorry my hearts broken i go from angry to upset and my daughter keeps asking for him.

There are lots of problems you can repair or work on in a relationship. One person falling out of love with another isn't one of them.

Sometimes people stay together out of convenience when the love has gone, but most would find that unacceptable.

I know it's devastating to have your heart broken, but you will get through it.

Hi OP. He didn't say something when 'he started having doubts' because he's lying.

You're spot on in thinking that if this was genuinely the truth, he would have said something before and tried to fix it.

You need to now start listening, not to what he says, but what he DOES. Talk is cheap, his actions, on the other hand tell you everything.

He is not thinking about you, your needs or your family. He is only thinking about himself and his needs. Everything he is now doing is to please himself, to get him the best outcome from this agenda. He's trying to keep you sweet whilst he prepares to leave. Don't give him the opportunity.

@AngelEyes66 listen to @MammaMiaWallace that is sound advice. IF there is someone else please do not do the pick me dance, trust me I am in this situation right now with my wife and I have pick me danced for a year! Yes a year. The game is rigged and you will not win, so far all it’s done for me is give me more pain. So far the way he’s behaved sounds exactly like my wife. It came out of the blue and all of a sudden she was treating me like I was a complete stranger, not the guy she has been married to for years and years.

Take the advice from others pull away now I wish I did that right away, i know it sounds so scary to be pulling away from someone you don’t want to lose but he needs to instantly feel that loss, if he doesn’t then there isn’t anything you can do at this point other than to look after yourself.

Also just to add don’t listen to any crap because trust me the blame shifting it a total mind bender, you might need to be the bad guy in his eyes to justify his reasoning. Don’t let him guilt you because it will shift your thinking off what he’s done onto yourself and you’ll question yourself and that will lead to the pick me dance because your a good person and want to be better.

Trust me what your seeing is no “man” thing it’s a cheaters thing both men and woman play out the same book. If there is someone he’ll take advantage of you to make the transition as smooth as possible just like my wife has done so far.

thank you.
i think im struggling as i felt the loss of loving him when we were 2 years in. i asked for affection time and time again, i told him he was going to loose me and he did nothing. then i left he begged me to stay, i felt it wudnt work but i cud see how much he loved me and didnt want to throw it all away. since then we have had a good solid relationship (or so i thought) so i really dont buy into you cant get that spark back.
but again if he has a OW or doesnt want too. it isnt gonna work... im just thinking how do i tell a 2 year old about these changes.

There used to be a common phrase.. 7 year itch as it's fairly common for relationships to struggle at various times or after life events. I don't buy "falling out of love" as loving someone is a decision. If there are issues to do with lack of affection/sex it should be discussed as that's the mature way to handle relationships. If it can't be fixed then both parties will know they have tried. I think if you are parents you owe children the chance to have a family unit, not at all costs but a fair effort and time.

I don't think this applies to abuse or addictions. I think you can get together too young and change but otherwise expecting to feel "loved up" in the middle of a pandemic with a toddler is unrealistic, selfish and immature.

Op, you will feel heartbroken. At 2 explanations can be very simple. Daddy is living xyz and you will see him tomorrow/whatever day. A benefit of being so young is that she will not remember you all living together.

How old are you both?

A bomb has exploded in your life. You have to at all costs ring fence yourself and your child emotionally at first then financially. He's not willing to give your marriage a chance because he is lining someone else up and his brain has got all these mad "love and excitement" hormones going on because he wants out to be moving on. He will become someone you do not know. Be prepared for that as its shocking to witness. Try and stop questioning the reasons of why....its hard because you want to know everything....all you need to know is he has checked out and wants out. You will never reason with it. As for your 2 year old...she will never know the difference after a while. My daughter was 3 when my partner and I separated. She is 23 now and doesn't remember a thing. She's turned out fabulous as her father and I worked on co parenting without hate from the beginning. You need to put your feelings to one side and get going with access to your child and finances. Its very painful OP but keep your head together right now to get the ducks in a row.

Can I ask, what is a good way to tell your partner that you don't love them ?

Should you tell them the minute you have a "I don't like you as much as I once did" moment or just keep quite and hope it's a one off ?
What's happens if you're not good communicators or you get the reply "not this again !" when you ask to talk about your feelings?

It would be lovely to think you have met 'The one' and you move in together, get married and have children, and then live happily ever after but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. So what should people do if their feelings change ?

what u have said sums it up for me completely, u work on relationships every long term one has good times ans time u have too communicate and work hard at it. im 34 and hes 36.

@Fireflygal "If there are issues to do with lack of affection/sex it should be discussed as that's the mature way to handle relationships. If it can't be fixed then both parties will know they have tried."

And if it's discussed, and the sex/affection still doesn't work, can the partner leave without them being accused of not trying hard enough/ for long enough because the outcome hasn't changed ??