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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner wants to leave out of nowhere!

224 replies

AngelEyes66 · 05/03/2021 16:09

hi all

i dunno where to start, myself and my partner have been together for 7 years nearly and we have a 2yr old daughter. we have hit a bit of a rut with covid but we dont argue or bicker. we havent been as affectionate lately but still get on. he sent me a valentines card with a lovely message saying 'love you as much now as i always have' then 7 days later he says hes unhappy and has been for 6 months and he wants to leave. to say this was a surprise is an understatement, im heartbroken as i thought that was it for life.
we have always promised to work thru hard times and i feel like its got hard so hes running away!
we have talked and he said he will give us a month to fix it (i asked for 6 months, dont think much will change in a montb).
now he is stonewalling me, wont kiss me back and tells me he isnt in a place he wants to be sexual with me.....what i dont undeestand is he was fine before the 14th feb.
im confused/heartbroken and scared he is throwing it all away. (fyi hes never been good at communicating).
any advice?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 14/03/2021 07:03

Its so rare for men to leave if they havent got their eyes on the next woman.
So dont accept any blame or any accusations of you being selfish over his contact time, he created this situation, you need to bring up walls to protect yourself from the oain, & rebuild your life,
Agree you get your child back, at the door then silently close it

johnd2 · 14/03/2021 12:58

Haven't read the thread but it's interesting about your partner's father. It's common to think about your own parents when you become a parent yourself.
I suspect he has been damaged by his father's behaviour and has become blind to the fact that he is not like that. So he thinks the only solution is to do what his father should have done back then.
I think he needs a lot of counselling to work through the issues we his own father before he can cope with being a father himself, then he can accept that he is not his father.
However i do realise that I'm telling this to the wrong person and none of it helps you directly. But if he would consider counselling then there may be hope for the future.
Good luck with things regardless and it must be a tough time.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 15/03/2021 08:59

he refuses counselling as he doesnt like talking about his feelings. i suggested this for our relationship and its a flat no.

hes also truely at the mind games, messaging me that he has a chest infection....(like i give a fuck?) i ignore him and he will still message me stupid things like this. plus when he messages he say how are you 2 doing? not just directed at my daughter......i feel like he wants to play with my emotions and get my hopes up to shatter them again. im not falling for it but it still hurts.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 15/03/2021 10:29

Grey Rock

Dery · 15/03/2021 11:59

You’re doing so well, OP. It must be heartbreaking. He wants to act like the good guy even though he’s broken up with you. Sounds like you’re doing everything right. I think it’s permissible to tell him you’re emotionally devastated by him breaking up your relationship but you’ll make it through and in the meantime would he please not waste your time and energy by asking fatuous questions about how you are.

Dery · 15/03/2021 12:47

And as PP have said, put clear boundaries in place. You can make clear that you intend to form an amicable co-parenting relationship but you can’t do friendly chit-chat while you’re still processing and re-calibrating and he needs to respect that.

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 12:56

Absolutely ignore random messages.

Maybe tell him he can FaceTime dd at a set time every day/on specific days, and hand her the phone. And while you’re at it tell him that you’ll contact him with pertinent info about her day.

It’s up to you if you want to answer the constant messages about her day but I’d ignore them.

He’s moved out but is giving you no space. It’s not fair.

gamerchick · 15/03/2021 12:57

He's making sure you don't move on OP. You're an option, if this other person who still hasnt come out yet doesnt work out.

You need some clear boundaries with him and stick to them. Tell him you only want contact when it's something to do with your shared offspring and anything else you're not interested.

And sort out CM if you haven't already. Time to formalise things.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 15/03/2021 15:40

yeah i sent him a message last thursday saying to give me space. i dont want chit chat i will let him know if there are any issues and we have set times/days for contact. he said he will stick to this but has reverted back to asking me how i am. i am ignoring it but also my daughter is getting upset when facetiming him or even the mention of going to see him. think thats the harder part for me.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 15:53

Why is she getting upset?

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 15/03/2021 15:55

dont know tbh. she just sees him on the phone and gets upset. im making sure not to let her see me upset or angry with it all.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 15/03/2021 16:06

He's asking you if you're okay to alleviate his own guilt. He's got a little voice in his head saying he's been a bastard and thinks pretending concern for you will shut up that voice. He wants to jump straight to friends who can ask such questions so it makes him feel better about himself.

The big selfish voice that's telling him he's doing the right thing because he is the most important person in this is hoping you will say you're absolutely fine, no harm done as long as he's happy, you're happy.

He needs to face up to the fact that he is no longer the person you would discuss your feelings with. He's trying to delude himself that you can jump straight to being friends. Of course you're not okay ffs, he's just smashed your heart to pieces, but he doesn't want to face that.

I think your best answer is "that is not your business any more so stop asking".

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 16:12

If the calls are upsetting her then reduce them. She needs to be the priority here.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/03/2021 16:38

@AngelEyes66

he refuses counselling as he doesnt like talking about his feelings. i suggested this for our relationship and its a flat no. hes also truely at the mind games, messaging me that he has a chest infection....(like i give a fuck?) i ignore him and he will still message me stupid things like this. plus when he messages he say how are you 2 doing? not just directed at my daughter......i feel like he wants to play with my emotions and get my hopes up to shatter them again. im not falling for it but it still hurts.
He's aiming to keep you on the back burner, in case his new flame doesn't work out, the fucker Angry.

" i sent him a message last thursday saying to give me space. i dont want chit chat i will let him know if there are any issues and we have set times/days for contact. he said he will stick to this but has reverted back to asking me how i am."

I would send one text similar to your Thursday message. Make it as emotionless as possible, for example "Stop contacting me outside the agreed schedule." You don't have to give any reasons or expand any further than telling him to stop.

As for your daughter being upset - he took her out on Saturday? Could he have said anything to her that upset her?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 15/03/2021 16:46

You’re doing brilliantly. Just don’t engage, don’t answer and repeat that you’re not chit chatting, that if there’s anything he needs to know, you’ll tell him, otherwise call DD tomorrow at x time.

You’ll get used to the time apart. When my kids first went to their dads for the night I spent the whole time crying. Then after that it got gradually easier until I started going out with friends, on dates, then met DP. These days they are all teens and don’t go to their dads any more and I kind of miss that 1 night /2 nights a week that I had completely to myself! You can do this. And be happy again. I promise. Flowers

Dery · 15/03/2021 17:15

“He's asking you if you're okay to alleviate his own guilt. He's got a little voice in his head saying he's been a bastard and thinks pretending concern for you will shut up that voice. He wants to jump straight to friends who can ask such questions so it makes him feel better about himself.

The big selfish voice that's telling him he's doing the right thing because he is the most important person in this is hoping you will say you're absolutely fine, no harm done as long as he's happy, you're happy.

He needs to face up to the fact that he is no longer the person you would discuss your feelings with. He's trying to delude himself that you can jump straight to being friends. Of course you're not okay ffs, he's just smashed your heart to pieces, but he doesn't want to face that.”

This with bells on.

Treacletoots · 15/03/2021 19:29

Just wanted to say you're doing so well OP. It's shit moving on from a relationship when it was amicable. I've been here a long time ago and I only wish I'd had the knowledge and support of the ladies on Mumsnet back then.

To reiterate, you're doing great. Even if you don't feel it, you're doing really fucking great. Flowers

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 15/03/2021 21:00

thanks everyone, i went back to work today after my boss giving me a week off paid. (i have an awesome boss) was good to concentrate on something other than my emotions....i think im getting there feeling alot better, more positive as its his loss. he had everything and threw it away. i deserve better and i dont need anyone but myself. time for myself now.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 16/03/2021 07:06

You're doing really well op. Going back to work is a big step but will help a lot.

Also a massive well done for putting boundaries n place re contact. As you did, keep ignoring all his texts that are drivel or outside of contact times. You've asked him and he's not sticking to it, just goes to show what a selfish, and continued selfish person he's being.

Itstimetoquit · 19/03/2021 21:18

How are you op x

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 19/03/2021 21:34

hey

im ok, hes tried with the mind games and i cracked a bit but now back on track. he is doing the pity me stuff. on monday he was crying saying he misses me and he might wanna come back and then tuesday back to an emotionless robot.
im just keeping any comms to just about our daughter and ignoring anything else.
im still struggling with eating/sleeping etc as my emotions are still everywhere

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 00:19

good OP, he did all of this not you 🌺

Viviennemary · 20/03/2021 00:23

Sounds like there is somebody else on the horizon and he's hedging his bets. A months trial what a nerve. He's not your employer. You deserve better than this loser.

Mix56 · 20/03/2021 12:07

"He might want to come back"
This is an attempt at keeping you hanging, as even if he doesn't want you, or now, he wants to be able to come back maybe/ & doesn't want you moving on.
So, what would you do if he said he wanted to come back?
It rarely works long term.
He hasn't shown any remorse for hurting you so far, if you already know you dont want him back you can simply say "not happening" rather than listen to him sniveling.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 05/04/2021 22:01

so looks like i fell for it with him. which i know u all said not too.
so update after 3 weeks of no contact except about DD, he asked to speak and said he wanted to try and make us work if i would like too.
i fell for it, said yes but things need to change etc we both need to put effort into the relationship..... now 2 weeks later i feel like im living in hell.
he made promises of trying, putting in effort and us being a family again. which ofc i wanted.

after 2 days he barely spoke to me again, no kisses or cuddles and constantly looking miserable as sin. i brought this up after a week and he just got annoyed saying it isnt gonna be fixed straight away, u haven't got any patience . i just told him i didnt think he was trying and he seemed unhappy and i dont want him to be here and be unhappy. well i got 2 days of him trying and back to basically looking thru me.
now im scared to say anything, if i even try and talk about our relationship he starts shouting.when i try and suggest things for us to do together he says he wants time on his own to escape his 'shitshow' of a life. i do remind him he came back, i didnt ask him too (tbh i had got to a place i was actually getting to be happy on my own).
this is all while i work fulltime same as him and do all his cooking and cleaning.
im scared to talk to him or even say the wrong words to him atm and when i did start crying he just stood there emotionless and didnt try and console me.
i have told him to go a few times during the 2 arguement we have had, i feel like im growing to hate him.

OP posts: