Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner wants to leave out of nowhere!

224 replies

AngelEyes66 · 05/03/2021 16:09

hi all

i dunno where to start, myself and my partner have been together for 7 years nearly and we have a 2yr old daughter. we have hit a bit of a rut with covid but we dont argue or bicker. we havent been as affectionate lately but still get on. he sent me a valentines card with a lovely message saying 'love you as much now as i always have' then 7 days later he says hes unhappy and has been for 6 months and he wants to leave. to say this was a surprise is an understatement, im heartbroken as i thought that was it for life.
we have always promised to work thru hard times and i feel like its got hard so hes running away!
we have talked and he said he will give us a month to fix it (i asked for 6 months, dont think much will change in a montb).
now he is stonewalling me, wont kiss me back and tells me he isnt in a place he wants to be sexual with me.....what i dont undeestand is he was fine before the 14th feb.
im confused/heartbroken and scared he is throwing it all away. (fyi hes never been good at communicating).
any advice?

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 07/03/2021 11:39

Sorry but this screams OW. The script he is following I could have written myself. Google the Pick me Dance and Sunk Costs Fallacy. Stop begging and asking for the why - get angry and get rid. He has had months to come to terms with this decision. You are blindsided. Find your strength and stone wall him now.

feeficken · 07/03/2021 11:42

@AngelEyes66 It’s the same here saying we’ve lost our connection and every little argument we’ve ever had has been blown all out of proportion so it all sounds as though our marriage was really bad which is far far from the truth. God knows what line she’s spun the O/M.

I told her I can’t compete with these “giddy” feelings she has now, I said it’s no wonder you feel like you do or feel our marriage can’t be better when 99% of your attention is elsewhere. I said we have a much deeper love than that now (or so I thought) we’re past the giddy stage. I mean we where still being intimate up to about two weeks before she left!

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 07/03/2021 12:33

@feeficken yep we were the same. still telling each we loved each other and kissing etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 09/03/2021 14:30

hey guys
need some advice, my partner now keeps texting me asking how my daughter is. ofc he misses her but how many times is acceptable in a day. past 2 days hes messaged about 6 times a day and facetimed her. when i didnt reply today he then rang me, its like he doesnt understand im trying to deal with all my emotions aswell.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 09/03/2021 14:45

I'd be telling him he can FaceTime her every other day at a certain time (you decide). Tell him you'll contact him if there's an emergency, but there's no need to text you all the time .

Daily is far too much for her, she'd get bored and confused. He can't do it long term either, it's not sustainable.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 09/03/2021 15:25

he literally messages about half 7 am and then again at 9 to ask if she was ok going to nursery (shes always fine). then he message about 3pm asking what time im picking her up. then when i get her home usually about 5.30 then again to check she is gone to sleep at about 8pm.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 09/03/2021 15:29

OP - you need to start putting in your boundaries right now. Do not give an inch - my friend was really "nice" and kind and wanted a great relationship with her exDh - he abused all of it and walked all over her.

So, learn from this - he left, he is gone. he does not get to talk to YOU. And he only needs to talk to a 2 year old once per day max - or once per 2-3 days - whatever you decide.

Please OP, learn from those who have been there - stop all contact now, except for agreed meetings with your DD. All other contact can be between your solicitor or whoever you deem a person of contact.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 09/03/2021 15:29

i feel like he still wants to chat to me and me be there for him. like he can click his fingers when he wants and can step back into our life.

OP posts:
dane8 · 09/03/2021 15:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2021 15:54

@AngelEyes66

he literally messages about half 7 am and then again at 9 to ask if she was ok going to nursery (shes always fine). then he message about 3pm asking what time im picking her up. then when i get her home usually about 5.30 then again to check she is gone to sleep at about 8pm.
Too much, way too much. And this is not contact with his daughter, this is contact with YOU.

Text him a contact schedule - personally I'd go for after she's had her tea and before she goes to bed, a short Facetime where he can ask about her day and say goodnight. And make it clear that he is not to hype her up during contact so that her bedtime is disrupted. No promises to her that he won't keep. Upsetting her will lead to a reduction in contact. Outside of that, you wish not to be contacted by him. You will text him if there is any emergency concerning your daughter, but there will be no contact on mundane matters, it is intrusive. All contact is to be with his daughter and not with you.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. He doesn't get to mess with your head by constantly contacting you to no purpose. He doesn't get to keep your wounds fresh, the fucker Angry.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 09/03/2021 16:28

honestly i dont want to talk to him. my answers are yeah shes fine and when he rang i just said she is fine. if she wasnt id contact you, i dont wanna chit chat with you and then i ended the call.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 09/03/2021 16:32

I would send him a message telling him to stop contacting you. You will let him know if there is an emergency and that's all.

Set a time aside each week when he can FaceTime your dc.

I'd also think about what contact you are happy with and what's best for your dc. If it's every other weekend then tell him he can pick her up from nursery on Friday and return her after tea in the Sunday. Not discussion, that's it . He's not your friend and you are not in h to is earth to make his life easier. Do what's best for you and your dc.

Then put him on 'do not disturb' and set a time to look at his texts each day. Then only my respond if it's very important

He doesn't get the luxury of 'you' but with putting no commitment or effort it. He chose to leave, he's now got to live by that decision and all that entails

Mix56 · 09/03/2021 17:05

Block him, tell him he can email, he can FaceTime on X time on X days.
He has left, it goes with the territory

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2021 17:09

@AngelEyes66

honestly i dont want to talk to him. my answers are yeah shes fine and when he rang i just said she is fine. if she wasnt id contact you, i dont wanna chit chat with you and then i ended the call.
You're quite right not to want to talk to him. Which is why I suggest text-only, it's easier for you. But he'll keep ringing you (all the better to keep you on his back burner, he may well think) unless you make it clear that you will not accept that. Decide on what level of communication you're prepared to put up with from him, and text him with those rules. Don't put up with him calling you as and when he please. He wanted to leave, he left, now he needs to feel what having left feels like!
Outbutnotoutout · 09/03/2021 17:29

He wants his cake and eat it

He wants to leave, but have you at his beck and call

You lay the rules down now

Lovelivesmile · 09/03/2021 19:08

Yes you have to have strong boundaries on this, he’s taking the piss. You should not be answering those calls- that’s encouraging him. Text him when he can facetime ( a set time each day or couple of days) don’t be on the phone talking too. He doesn’t get to interact with you. Remove the interaction completely op

CuteBear · 09/03/2021 19:37

[quote feeficken]**@AngelEyes66 you will probably see a lot of what I write hits home and some of what you said I can understand. People where totally shocked when I told them we where separating and said they thought we where the last people they thought would split.

We’ve been together as teenagers.

You wouldn’t believe half the crap I’ve put up with the last year, I’ve done everything I could to turn this around and it’s all been thrown back in my face.

That’s the worst part of it all @AngelEyes66 the fact they can just walk away so easily with absolutely no fight. I got the but why shouldn’t I take my chance to be happy and I am like WTF you clearly have not been in the same marriage as me, their minds are twisted. Problem is they are getting all their emotional needs met in the background by OM/OW and have that relationship to now build.[/quote]
My friend’s parents were teenage sweethearts. Been together since 16 and didn’t want DC until their mid-late 30s and then had 3 DD in the space of 2-3 years. They had a nasty divorce when my friend was around 15. They are still bitter 10 years later.

You change a LOT between your teens and 20s. You want different things. You are just different. Most people who were in a relationship prior to university didn’t last to the end of university.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 13/03/2021 12:57

i feel lost and heartbroken. he doesnt seem to care about what he has done and everytime my daughter asks for him my heart breaks. hes taken her out for the day and all i want to do is cry.
i feel like the loyal loving partner i had has disappeared and turned into a heartless cowardly arsehole.

how can u just up and leave ur family like that?

OP posts:
Hehx3 · 13/03/2021 13:25

Im so sorry you are still hurting. I have been reading your journey and I know how hard is as I was dumped same time as you and out of nowhere or it seems to me. Try to not ask too many why as I think sometimes there is no answers and sometimes there is no good answers either. I know it scary as it makes you question everything you know and everything you had together

litterbird · 13/03/2021 13:36

I do feel for you so much. Try to reframe your mind from 'why' to 'what'. What am I going to do moving forward? What am I going to do to make the best of my life and my child? What can I do to support myself through this awful time? I have been where you are. I was consumed for months and months with the why and should have been consumed with how and what am I going to do to move forward. It is really, really hard but you will get through this.

Original poster
AngelEyes66 · 13/03/2021 13:54

thanks i just feel a bit like im going insane. i go from upset to angry to thinking about what i can do now im on my own.
i took all his pictures down and have re arranged the home, taking all his stuff away. and im like i deserve more than a guy who just walks out from no where. feel better then something happens and i go back to upset and confused.

OP posts:
Spinachsarah · 13/03/2021 14:17

The best advice I was given was to stop analysing and wondering why and to focus on yourself. Not saying it’s easy, it’s still all fresh and of course it hurts, you loved him but the more you focus on you, looking after you and making plans about yourself and not wondering why it will get easier. I know it’s cheesy and when people said this to me I felt a bit annoyed thinking well how will a bath help? But do nice things for yourself nice baths, if you want flowers buy some even just daffodils etc. All these little things made me focus on me and not his crappy behaviour.

Spinachsarah · 13/03/2021 14:18

Also going from angry to insane is very normal. You are grieving so treat yourself kindly.

dane8 · 13/03/2021 14:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WisnaeMe · 13/03/2021 14:44

OP Im heart sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. I agree with everyone here, set boundaries now, these are the rules which how must now accept as a consequence of his ending the relationship and moving out. Boundaries are important 🌺