partner wants to leave out of nowhere!

[AngelEyes66]

hi all

i dunno where to start, myself and my partner have been together for 7 years nearly and we have a 2yr old daughter. we have hit a bit of a rut with covid but we dont argue or bicker. we havent been as affectionate lately but still get on. he sent me a valentines card with a lovely message saying 'love you as much now as i always have' then 7 days later he says hes unhappy and has been for 6 months and he wants to leave. to say this was a surprise is an understatement, im heartbroken as i thought that was it for life.
we have always promised to work thru hard times and i feel like its got hard so hes running away!
we have talked and he said he will give us a month to fix it (i asked for 6 months, dont think much will change in a montb).
now he is stonewalling me, wont kiss me back and tells me he isnt in a place he wants to be sexual with me.....what i dont undeestand is he was fine before the 14th feb.
im confused/heartbroken and scared he is throwing it all away. (fyi hes never been good at communicating).
any advice?

You know what to do OP, rip off the plaster and get him gone x

Hold the door open for him on the way out. Then just take each day as it comes. It hurts, but it is the best thing to do, for your sanity, for your health. You cannot change him or control his actions, but you can control your own. Reach out for support in RL, the beginning of the road will be rocky but the further along you go the smother it will be. Good luck.

Tell him as you clearly cannot make him
happy he’s knows where the door is. He seems wrapped up in himself and his own emotions, he needs to grow up. Tell him to piss off.

Please see a solicitor and get copies of all financial records. Prepare for the worst because he will finally convince himself that he is a victim and entitled to everything. So sorry this is happening to you.

Show him the door. He's not happy, you're not happy and as a result, your daughter won't be happy (I've been the kid in this situation)

You already know you can live without him as you said you were starting to be happy on your own. You know you can do this.

He is dragging you down so you're as miserable as he is.

Tell him you've both tried and clearly it's flogging a dead horse and you're both better off with him at his Mum's.

I had got to a place i was actually getting to be happy on my own this will be why he crawled back.
this is all while i work fulltime same as him and do all his cooking and cleaning why?! Just stop! Leave his in the wash basket. Has he done your washing at all?! Fuck no.

Op, how often did he have your dd over night in those three weeks he was away? You said he was a good dad, but it read like he hadn't had her.

I’ve just sat and read your whole thread OP. I’m so sorry. I know how you feel, I was you going n 2011. My H said the majority of the things your P said to you. Definitely the script.
However, he’s not putting any effort in at all to try and resolve any issues. He needs to be gone. He’s not making you happy.
Turn around and tell him to go. He’s making you miserable and you’re walking on eggshells around him, frightened to open your mouth. Sod that.

So by the sounds of it he's given it his best shot with someone else, and it's not worked out.

He is now pining for the loss of the other person or life he thought he could have. For whatever reasons he has come back to you and thinks he is doing you a favour.

Tell him to fuck off.

Please don't watch him mend from his rediculous broken heart.
It's time for him to face the consequenses.
What are you waiting for?

So by the sounds of it he's given it his best shot with someone else, and it's not worked out.

I don't normally form strong opinions about people and circumstances that I only know from what's put in a MN post. And it annoys me when posters claim to know exactly what's happening.
But I'd put a week's pension on the above being the case. He left you for this woman, it's freaked her out, it's not going to work, so he's come back. But of course he's miserable.

You're worth better than this.

Tell him that you have decided it's not working and he needs to leave. Keep repeating it. Be calm and cold, show no emotion. Don't let him drag you into an argument. Just keep repeating calmly "This isn't working for me. I am not happy. You need to go back to your mum's". He's used to being able to play on your emotions to get his way. Don't let him do that. The less emotion you show him, the less he will think he'll get 'his way'.

Stop providing any 'domestic services'. Stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him, stop picking up after him. Avoid speaking and interacting with him. In other words, make him so uncomfortable that he leaves on his own.

And see a solicitor.

Oops, just realized you aren't married. Forget the solicitor unless you have joint assets.

something similar happened to me.
for me it was a very long time ago (about 6 years) but reading this thread, it is the Script and he had someone else who (most likely) he could not make a go of it with.
Please do not take any possible failure by him of a relationship with someone else to be in any teeniest way a positive - now he has done it once he is essentially on a roll, and it is only a matter of time before he finds someone else to try it with (assuming you let him stay with you which you should absolutely NOT do).
It is like breaking the ice - he has broken the ice so there is literally nothing stopping him repeating it and finding someone else to cheat on you with.

Sorry if this sounds cruel but please do now use all of your energy to protect yourself and move forward without him.

xxxxx

when it comes to our daughter he is an amazing dad and wudnt want anything but 50/50.

Good fathers don’t treat the child’s mother with such a lack of respect.

He just wanted to be home again, to be catered for.

Get him OUT 🌸

My ex who lied to me saying he was "separated" used to talk about his fat, lazy ex-wife with such contempt. I should have seen that as a warning sign.

Me being a chump back then was the one who did his laundry & all the housework because he was too busy with his important job.

Well I dumped him when I realised he was a leech & a liar - now it appears he went straight back to her!

Do not underestimate how much men get used to the comforts of having a woman do their domestic chores & be available for sex.

Sometimes you have to take someone back to realise just how shit they actually are.

Oh he also made sure I was always there when he had his 3 kids too, to help look after them & provide entertainment.

I hazard a guess this woman has kicked him to the curb & his new bed wasn't as warm as he had envisioned.

He doesn't want to be left out in the cold with nobody when he previously had 2 on the go! So of course he has come back, but it sounds like he isn't even putting on a good show.

He sounds very sorry for himself & sad with his lot in life.

You deserve so much better darling.

If I could only tell my ex's wife what he was really saying about her.... but also I tend to think perhaps she has taken him back for an easier life too? So have stayed well clear of it. But am sure she could have done a lot better than to have him back, after the way he spoke about her.

This man does not respect or even like you. You were starting to feel OK without him! You know the light at the end of the tunnel is there. Hang onto that & don't feel bad for trying again because your feelings were genuine - it's clear his aren't though.

@MacbookHoHoHo

You won’t change his mind by being nice to him. I know it sounds counterintuitive but trust me — think back to when you were young and had a BF that you were wavering about. What would have made you keener on him? Him being super loving, attentive, present and affectionate? Or him giving you space, being absent, giving you peace to decide how you felt?

If you’d really gone off him, neither would work! But if you were at all on the fence, then a more absent, silent BF would’ve won you round more than a clingy one.

So do the 180. Withdraw (not emotionally; just remove yourself from his presence as much as you can, fill your time in a different room, don’t draw him into your world). Create routines for yourself that don’t include him. Get legal advice as to where you will stand financially if you split. Make contingency plans.

It’d take a LOT of self-control to do this, but it’d be great if you could try it.

Chasing him for sex (“hysterical bonding”) won’t work.

Asking him to talk about his feelings don’t work. If he’s met someone else, he’ll only lie and invent reasons that will inevitably hurt your feelings. If he’s just confused, he’ll invent reasons that will be vague and nonsensical and only leave you confused.

Retreat. Give him all the space in the universe.

If he can truly lose interest in two weeks, he is not your Forever partner. He is just a bloke. And a messed-up bloke at that.

Hysterical bonding. I have to say, this struck such a chord with me! I have been known to go to the very guy who broke my heart to help heal me...

Honestly? Why are you so soggy about this? He was allowed back under definite conditions and lasted two days. He's gaslighting you and making you responsible for his happiness. How is that your job? Tell him to pack his shit, get out and grow the fuck up. What exactly are you risking here? Being lonely and miserable for a bit on your own, or being lonely and miserable with him in your house? (And no doubt exhausting yourself trying to make HIM take responsibility for himself, doing all his laundry, cooking, etc.) No loneliness quite like being sad in a relationship.

@AngelEyes66

he literally messages about half 7 am and then again at 9 to ask if she was ok going to nursery (shes always fine). then he message about 3pm asking what time im picking her up. then when i get her home usually about 5.30 then again to check she is gone to sleep at about 8pm.

I suspect he’s actually checking up on where you are. Not because he cares about you but because he is still messing with you.

He came home for his home comforts, not for you or your child.
Did the ow kick him out, or something?

You need to kick him out and divorce him.

Sorry I hadn’t seen the update. Agree he’s just using you, please do what makes you happy, his feelings are not your problem. He has shown your feelings mean nothing to him.

@VenusTiger

I have a lot of experience with depression *@AngelEyes66* and this really stuck out for me: he also talks about our relationship as if its been 7 years of hell, which is a lie.

I think he's depressed and can't see a way out with you in his life, he doesn't want to drag you with him - that's a massive burden and guilt is no friend of depression.

It doesn't sound like depression to me. In my experience depression can affect how someone sees their current situation, and can make them see the future as hopeless, it doesn't make people rewrite their pasts though.

I've never had to deal with "the script" but it seems to be standard that they paint the entire relationship as hell or something they didn't want.

So so sorry. He has met
Someone