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Original poster

DH won't stop watching porn

216 replies

MsTeapot · 10/02/2021 00:33

It's really late now but I can't sleep and yes, it's another porn one.

DH watches porn daily. I don't know if it's because he doesn't care or if he doesn't know but I can see his entire search history on our shared iPad. I found his reddit account too and he has also upvoted hundreds of pictures of naked women and women in sexual situations.

I confronted him once about this and he told me that it's normal and that all men do it. I thought we had a great sex life, and I genuinely believe we did for the past 10 years. Recently however he wants to do rough anal, deepthroating, and a few more things I won't mention that I find very degrading and he says that porn and reddit lets him experience that as I won't do it with him. I feel sick when I look at him now. Saw him with his phone on the sofa after dinner today and it made me want to throw up.

It's over, isn't it? Sad

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 10/02/2021 00:35

Do you have kids?

And yes it's over.

Original poster
MsTeapot · 10/02/2021 00:36

We tried but life got in the way so no, no kids.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 10/02/2021 00:36

Yes sounds like it.
I'm sorry OP. You will be better off without him.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 10/02/2021 00:37

Yes it;s definitely over. I'd never touch him again. Yuck.

Geppili · 10/02/2021 00:45

Do you have kids?

BernieSandersMittens · 10/02/2021 00:46

All men don't watch porn at all. A lot do but not all, it was actually my Husband that made me see porn in a negative way because when I met him I thought it was just people acting, it was him who pointed out that that's not always the case and he wouldn't have wanted a relationship with me if I wanted porn to be part of my life. I've never enjoyed it but wouldn't have minded if he wanted watch it on his own, I didn't realise just how degrading and violent some of the mainstream stuff is. A lot of women won't mind and that's fine but a lot do mind and that's fine too.

Him trying to blame you for not wanting rough painful sex or to feel degraded isn't fine, is he hoping you'll agree to rough anal and painful sexual acts to stop him looking at and interacting with other women? Do you think he'd actually go ahead and do those acts knowing you don't want you? That's not ok and for me, yes, it would be over.

Geppili · 10/02/2021 00:46

Sorry didn't read properly. I think that your pain about it and his arrogant and entitled attitude means that it is probably over. Thanks

Original poster
MsTeapot · 10/02/2021 00:48

You know, when I first confided in my friend about this she told me that all men fantasise about those things and that if one said that he didn't, he was lying. She told me that maybe I should watch porn with my DH so we could explore it together as that was the case with her and her husband. I know I don't need a valid reason to leave but I can't help but think about how people are going to think I'm shallow or rigid if they find out that this is my reason. God, just typing this with DH fast asleep in bed next to me makes me sick.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 10/02/2021 00:48

Yes it's over

You'll be happier without him

I'm so sorry

Onlineshopperforever · 10/02/2021 00:53

It doesn't matter what everyone else does though. I do subscribe to the school of thought that most men watch it.

But you're not comfortable with it and you are allowed to not be comfortable with it. The fact is you've raised it as something you're willing to end the relationship over, he has ignored this and so now it's time to end the relationship.

Apileofballyhoo · 10/02/2021 00:56

I'm sorry, OP. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2021 01:00

Thank fuck you don't have kids. He sounds pathetic and revolting, and he's lying when he says all men are like this.

HighSpecWhistle · 10/02/2021 01:00

To me the problem isnt so much him watching porn (although the frequency may be worrying).

It's more about him developing sexual wants in the real world that could be damaging to you. Rough anal may be fine as a fantasy but why would he think you'd want that. Why does he want it. Same with his other desires.

He's confusing fantasy with reality and it's affecting your esteem and relationship.

I would be issuing an ultimatum. A porn break and no more talk about these fantasies. Or it's over. He is using it too much and his perception of sex seems to be getting rougher the more he watches.

ShrikeAttack · 10/02/2021 01:10

Well your friend is wrong. Do you like the same shoes everyone else does? No, of course not. People are individuals, they like different things.

I'd suggest your friend has been gaslighted by dickheads if she believes that.

Not men watch porn, they really don't, any man that tells you that is just trying to get you to accept something that you're not happy with by telling you there's no alternative.

You don't have to do or like anything you don't want to. I wouldn't judge you for leaving a relationship for those reasons. I'd applaud you for having healthy boundaries and not believing some bollox on the Internet that propagates the notion that rough anal sex is something any women really desire.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/02/2021 01:17

Your friend is an idiot for saying that. How can she possibly know what all men fantasise about?! In any case not all men pester their partners to act out their degrading fantasies.

Not having kids makes things easier if you want to separate.

Who cares what others think? It's none of their business. You don't need to tell them anything you don't want to.

mathanxiety · 10/02/2021 01:24

Your H has made his choice.

It's up to you to pull the plug if you don't want to suffer the effects of his choice. Don't worry about what others think of your decision. You are the only one living your life.

Your deluded friend is very likely deeply unhappy and will only become more unhappy as the years go on and she realizes the effect of porn on her relationship is far from positive.

Many women hide abject misery behind a cool, woke facade because when it comes to porn, the fear of being called uptight is strong, and it reveals exactly who has power in our so called free, advanced, liberal society.

You can expect a good deal of blowback from her if you decide to divorce as she will be uncomfortable with your stand. She may feel it's a judgement of her. She may feel defensive.

In the heel of the hunt yours is the only opinion that matters.

Opentooffers · 10/02/2021 03:12

It appears your DH can't tell the difference between porn fantasy and reality. Any man who asks for such deeds as you have mentioned, does not have a grasp on reality. Although a lot of men watch porn, most get that it's not the same as real life and no self respecting woman would do a lot of the things on there. Sadly, your DH is not only grim, but very dim.

Countingthebeat · 10/02/2021 03:33

@Opentooffers‘Although a lot of men watch porn, most get that it's not the same as real life’

Can say I agree that most but don’t want to take a lot of the stuff they see into real life but yes I do agree that many see the women in porn as less than human
Yes very sad that most porn watchers don’t get that porn IS real life women doing those things that are NOT self respecting yet they get off on it and think it’s fine to disconnect and say ‘ oh but it’s not real life
What a fucking disconnect from reality
And we wonder why we have a whole lot of screwed up men who treat women like blow up sex dolls

Countingthebeat · 10/02/2021 03:34

*Cant say I agree that most men don’t want to take a lot of what they see into real life . As we see here in post after post men are constantly requesting , demanding the things they see in porn

PeggyHill · 10/02/2021 03:36

You don't need to tell people that you broke up because he watches porn. Sounds to me like you've lost all respect for him, which is a good reason to end a relationship.

jammydoggers1922 · 10/02/2021 06:01

Don't get me started about porn and it's just what men do ! They only do it cause we allow them ! It's gross! What a slime ball I went through hell with my ex for ten years with his porn addiction . It's ten years on and I'm with some one new but I am riddled with anxiety because of it and I'm under the mental health team because it literally ruined me . Leave him please op you deserve better ❤️

PermanentTemporary · 10/02/2021 06:08

I've not had relationships with men who have never seen porn, but I've certainly seen the difference between men with heavy porn habits and men who are occasional users. Sex with men with heavy porn habits is a struggle because they have a tendency to push boundaries all the time, and it can be a chore to get to orgasm because they are used to certain things. No idea what's cause and what's effect but the fact that he's justifying it rather than even trying to stop... tbh why bother? Why woukd you make a huge effort for him when he can't for you?

And the 'i need this porn because you won't do it' is utter bullshit. Everyone is allowed private thoughts. Watching women being abused is another thing.

Opentooffers · 10/02/2021 06:35

It would be nice if porn never existed, many women would have a far better life, and sex life. I wish the genie could be put back in the bottle, but as it's out, we are forced to have strong boundaries when we shouldn't have to, and it leaves some vulnerable. Totally disgusting what your DH said to you, his mind has been twisted into thinking women should generally be up for the things he watches. He's up for disappointment, unless he enlists some special services. That he dare ask is gross, would be hard to separate him from the porn he sees, he's spelt it out to you. Tell him he's free to try and find someone willing if that's how he feels, as you leave.

peak2021 · 10/02/2021 07:00

Fantasising about something is very different from watching it daily, and in answer to the original question, yes it is over. Hope you can leave very quickly and perhaps seek legal advice to ensure you are not left financially struggling.

Llamadog · 10/02/2021 07:08

You aren’t sexually compatible any more. He wants to do things that you don’t like, and critically, are painful to you. That’s a perfectly good reason to split, even setting aside the porn issue. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who watched it constantly - he’s addicted.