DH won't stop watching porn

[MsTeapot]

It's really late now but I can't sleep and yes, it's another porn one.

DH watches porn daily. I don't know if it's because he doesn't care or if he doesn't know but I can see his entire search history on our shared iPad. I found his reddit account too and he has also upvoted hundreds of pictures of naked women and women in sexual situations.

I confronted him once about this and he told me that it's normal and that all men do it. I thought we had a great sex life, and I genuinely believe we did for the past 10 years. Recently however he wants to do rough anal, deepthroating, and a few more things I won't mention that I find very degrading and he says that porn and reddit lets him experience that as I won't do it with him. I feel sick when I look at him now. Saw him with his phone on the sofa after dinner today and it made me want to throw up.

It's over, isn't it?

He's also deluding himself that the women who post explicit or "sexy" images on Reddit/Instagram/only fans/whatever are interested in his comments - other than bumping up their popularity/profile and making money out of selling them (and anything else they can sell).

They're mist likely sex workers (of a type), the women in porn are sex workers, the rest of us ... Good luck to the little dearie looking for a real-life partner who enjoys anal, gagging blow jobs etc. They're in the minority. Maybe he'll find a damaged, vulnerable woman who goes along with it; but you won't be that damaged, vulnerable woman.

I can't wait for you to be out of this relationship and rediscover happiness without this bastard.

He hates women, men who like to watch them be humiliated and degraded hate the women who do those things and hate the women who won't. They simply hate women and see them as lesser than. As a blank canvas meant for a man's entertainment. It's fucking disgusting and you deserve more. Everyone deserves more.

It says everything that he is more upset about being 'kink shamed' because you don't want to do rough anal or nearly vomit from deepthroating than he is about you being upset doing those things.

Men who want to hurt you are not decent men. He knows you don't want to do those things, so if you caved and did them he would be doing them knowing full well it wasn't what you wanted or enjoyed.

Men who want you to do something knowing you will be in pain and/or upset during sex are scum. Absolute scum.

It makes me so angry that we are conditioned as women to fear being called prudish for not wanting a partner to hurt us during sex.

You're doing the right thing leaving OP and it's the start of a new chapter for you

@MsTeapot

DH doesn't see the problem either. He's read the phrase "kink shaming" from somewhere and throws it at me from time to time whenever I bring up this topic. To him I'm just a prude who won't do what most other women do and enjoy (he says there's loads of other women on the forums he's on attesting to that). I can't believe I spent 10 years of my life with this man.

Most? I know I don't know any.

Some of what you described can only be considered rape.

There's nothing prudish about not wanting that.

I'd tell the truth about the split: my husband is addicted to violent, misogynistic, degrading rape porn.

“Kink shaming” as an excuse!

Women have to go along with it because otherwise they’re not “cool” girlfriends, or are “boring”.

I despair that this is where the sexual revolution has brought us.

However you slice it, he’s a loathesome creep OP. He hates women. He has issues. Get rid.

Follow your own star. Keep to your own standards and taste and enjoyment in matters of sex and sexuality. DONT listen to anyone else, friend or boyfriend or husband.

Get rid of this nasty knob.

@rawalpindithelabrador

I'd tell the truth about the split: my husband is addicted to violent, misogynistic, degrading rape porn.

Yes absolutely . No reason to cover for these types of men .

I have asked advice previously regarding my DH watching this too. It's awful how it makes you feel isn't it?
I get some women don't mind it and I respect that but it makes me feel down right inadequate.
I hope it you told him where to when he suggested you perform like a porn actress? I'd have flipped and I'm afraid, yes it would be over. Sending you a hug as this must be awful for you. He doesn't deserve you xx

[quote Itstimetoquit]@msteapot, Just viewed his reddit page and a few days ago he commented "such a fuckable throat" on a picture of this naked woman and "I want to destroy that ass" on another. If there was even a smidgin of doubt it's bloody gone now. I'm calling my solicitor in the morning. Disgusting feels too mild a descriptor.

This made me feel queasy x[/quote]
I find this extremely disturbing also. Your not wrong. This isn't healthy or normal is it? Xx

It says everything that he is more upset about being 'kink shamed' because you don't want to do rough anal or nearly vomit from deepthroating than he is about you being upset doing those things.

How can you be kink haming him about something lots of women do, all the women on the forum he frequents ...?

By its nature a kink is something that most people don't do.
That's why it's a kink.

Not managing to keep much logic going in his manipulative tactics, is he.

Either it's a kink and you're one of the majority of people who aren't into it (and he's expecting/pressuring you to do something must people don't do) .... Or it's not a kink, in which case he couldn't be "kink shamed" about it.

Kink shaming wasn't a thing in the community ten years ago or so, at least not that I knew of, and I do think I would have come across it. The cornerstone of it was always consent and mutual pleasure, not bitching at people who weren't into your stuff and certainly not shitting all over consent. As (ostensible) BDSM has gone more mainstream, thanks to shit like 50 Shades, it's become more of a thing, and it's usually uttered by awful people who don't understand how domination and submission work or the concepts of power exchange, trust and mutual satisfaction. In this case, the guy is pressuring and insulting his wife and talking shit on the internet, and lo and behold, he's being "kink shamed". No, twat. BDSM, even the rough stuff, is not about you doing whatever you like to your partner in a one-way manner with no thought or understanding of her needs.

'kink shaming' is the new 'frigid' 'boring' 'all the other girls do it' etc

It's nothing more than an updated coercion tactic.

The underlying dynamics don't change even if the words do.

The widespread and toxic idea has been around for probably forever that

Women and girls are the 'gatekeepers' of sex
If you don't ask you don't get
No is the start of a negotiation not a final answer
That short of overt physical force, anything is reasonable to try and get what you want
Eg
All the other girls do
Please just try it if you don't like it we won't do it again
I'll find someone else who will
Oops erm I didn't mean to do that now it's done let's just finish it please
Etc etc etc

So dull.

It's fascinating the way as soon as there's a porn thread or one related the way some posters are so keen to say I don't mind no no no it's fine, or, he'll look elsewhere, or you want to stop him wanking, or all men do it etc etc etc

Kink shaming is a massive reversal.

Men used to say if you don't do it there's something wrong with you

Now they say if you won't do it you're shaming me, causing me pain, putting me down, making me feel bad. Boohoo (let me tie you down and fist you)

I told DH that I'll be leaving him and filing for divorce. He told me he knew he shouldn't have married an "uptight bitch" and has stormed out of the house to god knows where I don't care. Apparently he's contacted his best mate and told him about it because I received a message hours later from his wife, my friend (same one as before —the 4 of us have known each other for a long, long time) saying "you can't be fucking serious. all this because he's more adventurous". And then another one about how all guys are like that and that I'm giving up on a "good one".

Sent her a message telling her to mind her business and I got a "your loss" back. I can't believe my life has come to this.

Being without kids, you're in such a good position to leave! And I think that is exactly what you must do. Best of luck x

Yes! You are amazing!

MsTeapot. That’s horrid. Awful man and a she isn’t a friend. I would imagine she is someone whose personal boundaries have been shattered so she is trying to get you to normalise her position.

You deserve better on both counts. Your life has just come to something great. You are safe from a man who wants to degrade and hurt you in ways you don’t enjoy. You are safe from a friend who doesn’t have your back. You can fill your life with better.

I'd message her back, 'Yeah, losing a person addicted to rape porn who wanted me to be his sex doll to act out his sick fantasies of pain on, what a loss! If I want adventure I'll go bungee jumping.'

Divorce, unreasonable behaviour. And be honest with your solicitor, 'Sexual coercion of degrading and painful acts due to violent rape porn addiction.'

I wouldn't let him back in, he's unsafe.

Omg op. Glad hes gone but I can't believe your 'friend' messaged you that. It's sod all to fo with being adventurous or not... just wow.
Please don't doubt yourself. He's a horrible man.
Well done, even though you're probably not feeling great right now. Can you lock him out?

Oh god what a douche. You're so much better off without these twats in your life.

Well done op. Really proud of you. Your friend sounds like am absolute idiot. Totally brainwashed. You don't need this pathetic little man. Don't look back!

She is an utterly stupid, embarrassing bitch.

Most people would want to leave a relationship due to his comments on Reddit "fuckable throat, I'd destroy that ass" let alone pressuring you to do anal and gagging BJ's (not even getting onto the type of porn he chooses to use).

You're not upright. You're normal.

because he's more adventurous.

He's not more adventurous, he's pretty much addicted to degrading porn and is bringing it into your sex life.

He's also making comments related to his degrading porn habit on forums.

The fkg disrespect to his partner (and the women who our the photos up, though they can expect comments like that unfortunately).