DH won't stop watching porn

[MsTeapot]

It's really late now but I can't sleep and yes, it's another porn one.

DH watches porn daily. I don't know if it's because he doesn't care or if he doesn't know but I can see his entire search history on our shared iPad. I found his reddit account too and he has also upvoted hundreds of pictures of naked women and women in sexual situations.

I confronted him once about this and he told me that it's normal and that all men do it. I thought we had a great sex life, and I genuinely believe we did for the past 10 years. Recently however he wants to do rough anal, deepthroating, and a few more things I won't mention that I find very degrading and he says that porn and reddit lets him experience that as I won't do it with him. I feel sick when I look at him now. Saw him with his phone on the sofa after dinner today and it made me want to throw up.

It's over, isn't it?

Yes, wanting to do horrible things and effectively blaming me for not doing them, and trying to claim it's just being a normal man, would upset me. I wouldn't want to go near him.

Porn has become a real problem since the introduction of the internet. Three of the top 10 visited sites on the net are porn ones with some attracting 3bn hits a month! When you look at just the top 3 sites it is over 10bn hits a month. When you consider that there are only 7.8bn people in the world in total including around 2bn children, that shows the size of the problem.

As you don’t have children then I would most definitely end your relationship as it is making you unhappy.

Your friend is a fool.

Not all men watch porn, it's grim and mostly makes them terrible at sex.

Porn stars are actors. The crap he's jizzing into his pathetic little spunk sock to is not real. Those women aren't enjoying it, they're getting paid to do it.
It's fake too, all about camera angles and the viewer having fun.... not the people doing it. Not to mention the fact it's all airbrushed and edited.

But then the moron men brigade come along and try and ram their dick down your throat cos they've seen it on pornhub and think they're some kind of sex god 🙄

It's pathetic.

You're feelings are valid and NOBODY will think bad of you for leaving for this reason. If they do, then that's their problem.

I've linked couple of articles for you to read. Porn destroying relationships is very common and you should not be made to feel bad for feeling the way you feel about it.

And yes, leave him. It's so sad and unattractive I don't know how he expects you to ever touch him again.

https://fightthenewdrug.org/10-reasons-why-you-should-not-let-your-boyfriend-watch/

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/mens-lives-ruined-pornography-arent-angry/

https://relevantmagazine.com/life5/relationships/5-ways-porn-ruins-relationships/

https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-damages-consumers-sex-lives/

Perhaps attempt to educate him before leaving him?
The white paper on porn ( forgot the name) is a good place to start

It is incredible how it is even legal to allow vulnerable women to be abused, injured and violated on screen in the name of "porn" or entertainment. How we have come to accept it baffles me. It's a deal breaker for me.

Yep it sounds like it’s over.

I don’t think all men actively watch porn, but even if they do the problem comes when it becomes obsessive and/or permeates their relationship in real life.

It sounds kind your DP has disconnected with you. As you don’t have kids it does sound like it’s best to move on. I would see a solicitor and figure out the practicalities of money etc before you say another word to him. This will also give you a cooling off period so you can explore the marriage counselling route if you want to.

Make sure you come out of this as well as possible financially, so you can focus on rebuilding your life.

There are two things that stand out, above : beyond watching porn (which I suspect the majority of men do, though I did honour with a man who didn't);

A. The frequency - you say it's every day. That's getting into habit/addiction territory. Lots of men watch porn but if it's not every day and its not obvious, it could be tolerated by those who choose to tolerate it.

B. Some men, believe it or not, do watch mostly just straight, "vanilla", sex and/or performances by favourite actresses - without focusing on gagging/deep throating, anal (aptly named Painal), and degrading sex acts. But you h is focusing on those. He'd also apparently tried to actually do them in your sex life. That's another level.

So it's not just watching porn, it's watching porn to excess, it's specifically watching degrading porn, and it's actually having tried/pressured to do sex acts that most women don't enjoy and that are degrading.

Noone needs a reason to end a relationship but the above is more than enough.

He's become porn sick, that's the bottom line.

And if he's watching porn every day, presumably he's not offering you much of a regular, healthy, enjoyable sex life. Another reason to give him the heave ho.

He's also given you the ick - understandably , so you probably aren't even as attracted to him, and know that during sex he might be fantasising about painful and degrading stuff, and not present & into normal sex with you; which is also a turn off.

*I did go out with a man who didn't

@Justtickingboxes

It is incredible how it is even legal to allow vulnerable women to be abused, injured and violated on screen in the name of "porn" or entertainment. How we have come to accept it baffles me. It's a deal breaker for me.

I know it's a tangent, big for the sake of argument - gay men do exactly the same (often painful, degrading) sex acts in gay porn.

So it's really the performers who are being penetrated, male or female. Though I imagine there are probably more women working in porn than men.

I found his reddit account too and he has also upvoted hundreds of pictures of naked women and women in sexual situations.

Actually find this as bad - it's more personal, proactive, and involved than even the porn watching.

Hi OP, I’ve NC for this but I’ve had a similar experience.

I discovered my DP was watching porn often in the bathroom whilst ‘showering’ or ‘getting ready for work’ in the morning. It caused extreme upset on my part and he swore that it had happened from habit and that now he knew it upset me so much he wouldn’t do it again (I’d always told him I didn’t care about porn as long as I wasn’t home). Fast forward a few weeks I discovered him doing it again. This time it was having physical effects on him and he wasn’t able to maintain an erection. This time there was no excuse because he saw how much upset it had caused and had gone ahead and done it anyway.

I was a mess and trust had completely gone in our relationship. He admitted that whilst yes, a lot of men do watch it, they probably don’t have an issue stopping. We set up adult blockers on the WIFI and his phone and he went to the GP who referred him to psychosexual therapy. (I know that some boroughs don’t offer this though). We are now in a better place and I’m often brought in to some of his therapy sessions and I have a much bigger understanding of why he was doing that, even though it still hurts.

The fact that your husband is now asking you to do more degrading things is a sign that he has desensitised himself to sex and is needing more rough and similar things to porn to get himself off. I’d bet that the types of porn he is watching is evolving too. This is something that me and DP have covered heavily in his therapy sessions and whilst he didn’t need rougher sex to get off, he desensitised himself in a way he had essentially given himself ED if he didn’t have porn as a visual stimuli.

It honestly sounds to me like there’s no way forward, therapy worked for me because my DP knew and admitted he had an issue and sought help. It’s a long road but we got there because at the end of the day it is an addiction. I too like other posters would be issuing an ultimatum of porn or you. He knows how much it upsets you and shouldn’t be having an hard time letting go. Having a partner who is knowingly upsetting you by choosing porn over you is utterly soul destroying.

Leave him. Seriously.

@gaijinetal

‘I know it's a tangent, big for the sake of argument - gay men do exactly the same (often painful, degrading) sex acts in gay porn.’

Yes agree and it’s interesting that once again it’s for the pleasure of other men . Seems a lot of men just enjoy seeing people degraded . Sad

The problem isn't porn, as such, it is modern porn. And it is absolute bullshit that all men watch it, and that women, or society, should accept it.

As far as my DH is concerned, porn is (was) a contraband copy of Razzle magazine when he was a teenager. I don't have particularly strong views on 'traditional' porn - yes, it objectifies women, but in the grand scheme of things... I don't know. I think I am able to put that in the 'generally harmless' category.

Whereas use of what I would call modern porn I see as being absolutely incompatible with being a decent partner, son, father or human being in general.

Yes, over! Leave - you're lucky you don't have kids.

And no, not all men enjoy degrading sex and get obsessed with watching it and try and pressure and manipulate their partners to consent under duress to sex acts they know whey don't want to do.

In fact , that last bit... no man who is ok with that should ever be within a country mile of a relationship.

I know I don't need a valid reason to leave but I can't help but think about how people are going to think I'm shallow or rigid if they find out that this is my reason. God, just typing this with DH fast asleep in bed next to me makes me sick.

Not being happy, or anything, is a valid reason to leave. You are skeeved out/disgusted. Other people might feel differently about it but your feelings are just as valid.

I'm a little confused and maybe posters can help clarify, the man has stated his desire to perform certain sexual actions, his partner has declined (Who is obviously within her rights to do so) but why is he not qallowed to watch porn of it?
If he is not getting the gratification that he wants (which he is also allowed to do) is he supposed to just settle?
Granted his frequency of it is odd, but what should he do?
Just settle for nothing?

If he is not getting the gratification that he wants (which he is also allowed to do) is he supposed to just settle?

I think it's primarily that OP is grossed out by it (which is her feelings and she's entitled to them.) He also is kind of rubbing it in her face that he's doing it, and says he only does it because she won't do the things she think sound nasty. Knowing how she feels about it, she could feel coerced by it. It's like he's saying 'I know you really don't like this thing you do. I would stop doing it if you gave me what I wanted.'

But mainly it's just that OP finds it disgusting that he's looking at this stuff. It's putting her off her husband.

'You really don't like this thing I do.'

@ArthurBloom

Modern pornography is dominated by hostile misogyny, violence, and general dehumanization and objectification. It is a massive industry that depends on the exploitation of vulnerable women, whose consent is questionable to non-existent.

Personally, these are all the reasons I need to not want to be in a relationship with a porn user.

Actually, that should be the exploitation of vulnerable women and children. Because many of the girls involved are exactly that - children.

To fucking right I think men who want rough anal should "settle for nothing" if the alternative is porn.

Just settle for nothing?

I actually watched one of the videos in his history the other day and the woman was gagging, close to throwing up, and crying while the man was calling her a "fucking whore". Maybe it's "acting" but it's disgusting to me and it makes me uncomfortable that he enjoys something like that and that it's something that he wants me to do.

That being said, 4 videos in the history before breakfast. He really can't stop, can he!

It's only going to escalate and get rougher.

Definitely sounds like you need to end it.

100% agree with your last post. Why would he want to do that to you? If he truly loves you, why would he want to do something so rough that would hurt you and damage you mentally? It also doesn't sit right with me that he enjoys watching a woman visibly distressed.

He'll never be happy with your sex life now and he clearly has no respect for you to want to do these things to you. If you stay with him, he'll continue watching porn all day every day, may cheat and may try and coerce you into doing the things he wants.

Oh God OP he's horrible, and you don't have to justify it to the wide eyed, innocent does who just CAN'T UNDERSTAND what the problem is. Four nasty misogynistic videos before breakfast???