Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH won't stop watching porn

216 replies

MsTeapot · 10/02/2021 00:33

It's really late now but I can't sleep and yes, it's another porn one.

DH watches porn daily. I don't know if it's because he doesn't care or if he doesn't know but I can see his entire search history on our shared iPad. I found his reddit account too and he has also upvoted hundreds of pictures of naked women and women in sexual situations.

I confronted him once about this and he told me that it's normal and that all men do it. I thought we had a great sex life, and I genuinely believe we did for the past 10 years. Recently however he wants to do rough anal, deepthroating, and a few more things I won't mention that I find very degrading and he says that porn and reddit lets him experience that as I won't do it with him. I feel sick when I look at him now. Saw him with his phone on the sofa after dinner today and it made me want to throw up.

It's over, isn't it? Sad

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 23:14

Just settle for nothing?

Since those sex acts are really abuse - why is it that you think someone is entitled to abuse others and shouldn't have to "settle for" not abusing people??

There may be (very) few women who enjoy degrading, painful sex acts (and I'd really wish they'd get counselling rather than fk that) .. so maybe he should try to find them. It'll be eyelash in a bucket of shite time but, whatever .. that's the way it is when you're looking for consent for abusive, painful acts on another person.

Or he can pay vulnerable, possibly trafficked, often disadvantaged women to perform degrading, Painful sex acts on them. That would make him doubly a piece of shit, but clearly you think his entitlement to enjoy himself at others expense is more important so ...

RogueV · 10/02/2021 23:19

Your last post is very unsettling Sad

Canitbemagic · 10/02/2021 23:19

When he makes comments about ‘destroying her arse’ or ‘fucking her throat’ where is he considering her pleasure, her consent - a video of woman gagging as she is crying whilst he verbally abused her for his own pleasure. That’s not porn that’s abuse. It’s time it’s called out for what it is - it’s abuse, not pleasurable for the woman and downright frightening that we as woman as afraid to call it out as abuse, turn a blind eye or accept it from the men in our lives and that we are raising. I worry for my children’s futures.

BloggersBlog · 10/02/2021 23:28

Glad you are getting out OP. He is mentally diseased with this abuse he is watching.

I truly despair for the next generation, it is just soul destroying Sad

Maybe they will do more than my generation who has allowed this filthy society to happen, and try to stem the tide like Greta Thunberg is with environmental issues (love her or loathe her, at least she is DOING something)

Deadringer · 10/02/2021 23:35

Porn aside, he wants to do stuff to you that you find degrading, that would be the end for me.

HollowTalk · 10/02/2021 23:43

He sounds disgusting. I'm so glad you're going to leave him.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 10/02/2021 23:49

I wonder if the previous poster who totally couldn't understand the problem sees what it is yet.

Original poster
MsTeapot · 11/02/2021 00:14

DH doesn't see the problem either. He's read the phrase "kink shaming" from somewhere and throws it at me from time to time whenever I bring up this topic. To him I'm just a prude who won't do what most other women do and enjoy (he says there's loads of other women on the forums he's on attesting to that). I can't believe I spent 10 years of my life with this man.

OP posts:
JamesMcAvoyswife · 11/02/2021 00:41

I believe in general men watch porn occasionally and have the decency to delete the history after. He’s creepy, let’s be realistic about this. It’s over already. I’m so sorry, the fact he’s also on reddit (which an ex of mine was, doing the same thing) is just disgusting. You have to pay for these upvotes (I think?). Get rid OP. He needs to get real and realise that these women in these videos (if they aren’t trafficked) are actress’.

SoulofanAggron · 11/02/2021 00:54

He's read the phrase "kink shaming" from somewhere and throws it at me from time to time whenever I bring up this topic. To him I'm just a prude who won't do what most other women do and enjoy (he says there's loads of other women on the forums he's on attesting to that).

He's abusive, gaslighting, and coercive. Half the women on there might be fake anyway. I honestly think you would be doing the right thing letting him bugger off and discover these mythical women.

What an awful man. Sad

Countingthebeat · 11/02/2021 00:56

@JamesMcAvoyswife
I believe in general men watch porn occasionally and have the decency to delete the history‘

Yoh mean hide it . This is not what I’d call decent especially if they know their partner would not be ok with it . It’s sneaky and dishonestnot to mention the fact you mention yourself many of the women are trafficked . . So creepy too

Teapotsandtablecloths · 11/02/2021 01:00

Hope it goes OK with the solicitor, you'll be better off without xx

PerveenMistry · 11/02/2021 01:10

Gross.

You'll be so much happier without him. He clearly has zero respect for women, including you. And no it's not normal.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 11/02/2021 01:19

Many women hide abject misery behind a cool, woke facade because when it comes to porn, the fear of being called uptight is strong, and it reveals exactly who has power in our so called free, advanced, liberal society.

^^

This

QueenPaw · 11/02/2021 01:19

@MsTeapot he's being unreasonable with the kink shaming thing too
Anything like that is massively based on safe, consensual, trust. So if I say enjoy being bitten (picked a random thing!) I wouldn't go off and watch videos of women being bitten who are crying/in pain because they're not enjoying it
If that makes any sense at all. I mean he's a total dick anyway but just to add to your list (and get a shit hot solicitor...) Thanks

SkiingIsHeaven · 11/02/2021 01:35

Tell him to bend over and see how much he enjoys rough anal.

NiceGerbil · 11/02/2021 02:39

I think you mean having his arsehole destroyed.

Also choking on a cock.

Ask him to watch some gay porn where it's a man who looks like him who's crying.

No not really. Just leave him.

I'm sorry OP.

121hugsneeded · 11/02/2021 03:03

Get an STD test too as he may have gone a step further than just watching .

Melange99 · 11/02/2021 04:25

Just tell him you are leaving him because you find him repulsive. Because he is.

mathanxiety · 11/02/2021 05:04

I can't believe I spent 10 years of my life with this man.

Make sure you don't spend even the next ten months with him.

Leave him to the sordid emptiness he has chosen.

jammydoggers1922 · 11/02/2021 05:37

@MsTeapot

DH doesn't see the problem either. He's read the phrase "kink shaming" from somewhere and throws it at me from time to time whenever I bring up this topic. To him I'm just a prude who won't do what most other women do and enjoy (he says there's loads of other women on the forums he's on attesting to that). I can't believe I spent 10 years of my life with this man.
Show him my thread op I wrote on here yesterday. Pstd caused my porn
Febo24 · 11/02/2021 08:01

Kink shaming - my husband tried that one on for size when I busted him on webcams, wanking on cam for tokens. I honestly shudder to think what stuff he wrote in the chats, but I had a negative physical reaction when I read what your husband wrote.

I was also really sad when i read what your friend said. To give them some benefit of the doubt, perhaps they're stuck in 's little bit of porn is okay' without realising the gravity of your situation.

My husband eventually admitted it was an addiction and has finally got help from people who specialise in porn and sec addiction. I too had therapy on my own with their therapists.

Sadly he did this all too late and we're separated, but I still stand on the sidelines and support his recovery for the sake of the kids.

I absolutely hear everything you've said. I would suggest counselling to help you recover and move on.

At the end of the day, I couldn't get past the lies he'd maintained to cover his addiction, the loss of respect of what he was actually doing (the discovery trauma still replays in my head) and then the damage he did trying to protect the addiction. Which is where you are at the moment it sounds like. The entitlement that YOU are the one who's a prude and you learn to live with it. No.

Febo24 · 11/02/2021 08:05

As for dealing with others. A few people know some of the truth. The rest have been told either nothing - they have no rights to know or that there was some kind of incident or infidelity.

As someone else pointed out, would your friend be able to look at her partner in the face again after knowing he wrote that 'fuckable throat' comment. REALLY? if so then she's deluding herself and part of the complicity that keeps the industry alive and thriving.

Febo24 · 11/02/2021 08:06

If you're interested, and I was despite it signalling the end of my marriage, here are some good resources:
Fight the New Drug
Your Brain on Porn
Paula Hall (it was her therapists I used).

MillyMinamino · 11/02/2021 08:45

@MsTeapot

DH doesn't see the problem either. He's read the phrase "kink shaming" from somewhere and throws it at me from time to time whenever I bring up this topic. To him I'm just a prude who won't do what most other women do and enjoy (he says there's loads of other women on the forums he's on attesting to that). I can't believe I spent 10 years of my life with this man.
I'm a woman who used to watch porn about 15 years ago because I was young and naive and my boyfriend at the time told me it was super hot to watch it together, and I was eager to please. Now I know more about how many women in porn are trafficked, abused or underage there is NO WAY I would watch it and I can't imagine many informed women would. I don't know how men can either, especially now the content has got so much more violent and degrading.