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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH won't stop watching porn

216 replies

MsTeapot · 10/02/2021 00:33

It's really late now but I can't sleep and yes, it's another porn one.

DH watches porn daily. I don't know if it's because he doesn't care or if he doesn't know but I can see his entire search history on our shared iPad. I found his reddit account too and he has also upvoted hundreds of pictures of naked women and women in sexual situations.

I confronted him once about this and he told me that it's normal and that all men do it. I thought we had a great sex life, and I genuinely believe we did for the past 10 years. Recently however he wants to do rough anal, deepthroating, and a few more things I won't mention that I find very degrading and he says that porn and reddit lets him experience that as I won't do it with him. I feel sick when I look at him now. Saw him with his phone on the sofa after dinner today and it made me want to throw up.

It's over, isn't it? Sad

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 10/02/2021 14:20

I could've wrote this word for word,that's how it started with my now ex,porn then I found out he was on fabswingers looking for a women who would let him do the stuff he wanted to do(the stuff he'd seen on the porn site,I woudnt let him do it to me) it gets worse,I would leave now and save yourself from further heartache x

Suzi888 · 10/02/2021 14:28

“ he told me that it's normal and that all men do it.” maybe not all, but I think the majority do and so do some women. Some couples enjoy watching it together.
If it’s a deal breaker for you then yes, that’s the end.

Thegoodlookingman92 · 10/02/2021 14:46

Another male species lost to porn. This saddens me.
If he is expecting you to do the things he is watching then that's not a good sign. If I genuinely loved, respected and cared for a woman then I wouldn’t do it.
Also, whilst it is common for men to watch porn…it is not all of us that are doing it. In a relationship it is unacceptable in my opinion.

MathsRocksMathsRocks · 10/02/2021 14:51

Oh OP, you are worth so much more than this.

My DH and I have a very healthy and adventurous love life, even now 20 odd years after we got married. But while, yes, we've both enjoyed a bit of porn now and again (and nothing like the stuff your H is watching) it's not part of our lives regularly. In fact, I can't even remember the last time. We do respect each other, and that's the most important thing, and that's what you're missing here.

Without respect, and equally importantly trust, you're better off without him OP. He clearly doesn't respect you. There are decent men out there - I'd like to think the majority. There's one out there for your too. You deserve to be respected and cherished. He's just a rough sex obsessed man who thinks that's more important than your feelings. That's not a relationship.

Be strong, OP. Be the person you need to be and want to be, not the person he'd 'like' you to be.

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2021 14:54

No way would I judge you for ending it. I would fully support any friend of mine who said what you've said here. I'm sorry yours didn't.

He wants you to do painful things that you don't want to do, and his justification for this is 'this is what normal men want, get over it'? No thanks, if that's the case he can go and find someone who does want that Hmm but you shouldn't feel in any way bad because you have boundaries. Flowers

yetmorecrap · 10/02/2021 15:17

The thing I find really off too is that all the big sites are stuffed full of banners and adverts for ‘hook ups’ , webcam girls , dirtychat lines etc as well as the use of words in headers such as slut, whore, teen, MilF etc — the fact is if many women realised the sort of stuff their guys were accessing , often with some regularity (not occasional) and the webcam and hook up prevalence on these pages, I’m sure ‘some ‘really wouldn’t be quite so cool about it or busy turning a blind eye . It quite genuinely can make you get the ick, especially if it’s well hidden, lied about if confronted and frequent. I think if you have a long time partner whether married or not plus intertwined homes and finances etc you have every right to know if this is something your other half is doing— and decide if you want that relationship- just the same as gambling, heavy drinking, large debts, drugs etc. The fact it’s often free is irrelevant. The fact so many hide it means they are very aware their partner wouldn’t be ok with it

thegreysheep · 10/02/2021 17:27

Agree with a PP who says you can tell the difference between having sex with porn sick men and having sex with men who are light if at all users of porn. The second group are much more pleasurable and fun to have sex with and it's more sensual and spontaneous.
The porn sick ones quickly move through their playbook of what they want to reenact, and start demanding more extreme and degrading practices very quickly.
I just end things at the first signs of porn sickness now and I gore the inevitable 'but everyone does this' arguments. And don't even bother to justify myself anymore.
His rare use of porn and the content he's watching, and the demands he's making on your sex life and your body (with you bearing the risk of injury and him getting all the gratification) , are more than ample reasons to end it, I think.

Original poster
MsTeapot · 10/02/2021 17:41

Just viewed his reddit page and a few days ago he commented "such a fuckable throat" on a picture of this naked woman and "I want to destroy that ass" on another. If there was even a smidgin of doubt it's bloody gone now. I'm calling my solicitor in the morning. Disgusting feels too mild a descriptor.

OP posts:
DadOfTheMoment · 10/02/2021 17:44

A bit of porn is fine but if it's impacting his sexual behaviour or expectations then it's well over the line. Leave him or get him help to stop.

Itstimetoquit · 10/02/2021 18:19

@msteapot, Just viewed his reddit page and a few days ago he commented "such a fuckable throat" on a picture of this naked woman and "I want to destroy that ass" on another. If there was even a smidgin of doubt it's bloody gone now. I'm calling my solicitor in the morning. Disgusting feels too mild a descriptor.

This made me feel queasy x

wishywashy6 · 10/02/2021 18:34

@MsTeapot

Just viewed his reddit page and a few days ago he commented "such a fuckable throat" on a picture of this naked woman and "I want to destroy that ass" on another. If there was even a smidgin of doubt it's bloody gone now. I'm calling my solicitor in the morning. Disgusting feels too mild a descriptor.
Awful.

It's so disrespectful to you. This is the same as cheating IMO, or at least an attempt.

Grim

year5teacher · 10/02/2021 18:49

@MsTeapot

Just viewed his reddit page and a few days ago he commented "such a fuckable throat" on a picture of this naked woman and "I want to destroy that ass" on another. If there was even a smidgin of doubt it's bloody gone now. I'm calling my solicitor in the morning. Disgusting feels too mild a descriptor.
FUCK THAT. Oh my god, that makes my skin crawl. So glad you are getting out.
SoulofanAggron · 10/02/2021 18:52

Just viewed his reddit page and a few days ago he commented "such a fuckable throat" on a picture of this naked woman and "I want to destroy that ass" on another. If there was even a smidgin of doubt it's bloody gone now. I'm calling my solicitor in the morning. Disgusting feels too mild a descriptor.

Oh wow. Wishwashy6 is right. Even if he doesn't stand a chance as they're models or something, he's said he'd really love to get off with these women. Sad

PermanentTemporary · 10/02/2021 19:03

Just musing on the 'don't let your boyfriend watch porn' article above.

It's not up to women to gatekeep porn so that men/society can offload responsibility on them, the way used to be done with sex itself. This is something many people, predominantly men, like doing and choose to do. You're telling him it makes him impossible to love. He has chosen the porn. [Shrug]

SoulofanAggron · 10/02/2021 19:06

@PermanentTemporary Now he's making dirty comments to models etc. on Reddit. Sad

Countingthebeat · 10/02/2021 19:08

@ArthurBloom

I'm a little confused and maybe posters can help clarify, the man has stated his desire to perform certain sexual actions, his partner has declined (Who is obviously within her rights to do so) but why is he not qallowed to watch porn of it? If he is not getting the gratification that he wants (which he is also allowed to do) is he supposed to just settle? Granted his frequency of it is odd, but what should he do? Just settle for nothing?
No of course he doesn’t have to settle . He has to tell his partner he is not sexually satisfied and leave the damn frelationwhip . , not participate in and support the exploitation of women and also the hurting of his partner . You really need that explained to you . If a man( or woman ) is not sexually happy , talk about it , if it can’t be resolved then the two of you are not sexually compatible . Simple
Closetbeanmuncher · 10/02/2021 21:37

the woman was gagging, close to throwing up, and crying while the man was calling her a "fucking whore"

It's not hard to see how many men don't have a clue sexually is it?

I fucking despair 🤦‍♀️

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/02/2021 21:38

*to see why

Boredsobored · 10/02/2021 21:42

I really feel for you, sounds horrible. I found porn on my husband's phone once well over a decade ago. I was so pissed off, all those desperate, sad young women - I just didn't really get it and it didn't do our sex life any good. I don't disagree with porn as such but not the regular type where it's as you describe. Whether he's been honest, I really believe he took my feelings into account and thought that sex with me on a regular basis was worth far more than some crappy porn. Good luck

EarthSight · 10/02/2021 21:42

Recently however he wants to do rough anal

Since he's so keen and thinks it's fine to enter an anus in this way, maybe she should be the first to volunteer and have that done to him?

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 10/02/2021 21:43

I agree with others.

Watching porn is one thing and watching it a lot cant be good for your relationship.

But commenting on other women in s sexually degrading way, and pressuring you or even asking you to do things that no woman would get any enjoyment out of, just for his pleasure even though its painful to the other person....is not on

NiceGerbil · 10/02/2021 23:00

Good luck OP you're doing the right thing.

The prevalence of what used to be XXX hard to find niche porn has become the norm with the internet with boys watching it from a young age and getting their ideas about what sex is about from it.

Girls as well see this stuff and understand that is what they are 'in for'.

When I was young boys with internal checklists were after 'doggy' and oral.

Now the whole range of things that are difficult, risky, and likely to be painful for the person being penetrated are standard in porn.

I think 'vanilla' is probably seen as a kink now! The norm on mainstream porn sites with get porn is for the male gaze and seems to revel in sexual domination of the woman, things that many women would find degrading. Why do men like this? That's another conversation.

'I'm a little confused and maybe posters can help clarify, the man has stated his desire to perform certain sexual actions, his partner has declined (Who is obviously within her rights to do so) but why is he not qallowed to watch porn of it?
If he is not getting the gratification that he wants (which he is also allowed to do) is he supposed to just settle?
Granted his frequency of it is odd, but what should he do?
Just settle for nothing?'

'I actually watched one of the videos in his history the other day and the woman was gagging, close to throwing up, and crying while the man was calling her a "fucking whore". Maybe it's "acting" but it's disgusting to me and it makes me uncomfortable that he enjoys something like that and that it's something that he wants me to do.'

'Just viewed his reddit page and a few days ago he commented "such a fuckable throat" on a picture of this naked woman and "I want to destroy that ass" on another.'

Yes of course that's a problem.

NiceGerbil · 10/02/2021 23:04

Also

''I actually watched one of the videos in his history the other day and the woman was gagging, close to throwing up, and crying while the man was calling her a "fucking whore". Maybe it's "acting"'

I highly doubt it's acting. He's making her gag on his cock. The tears are real.

Maybe she's well paid. Maybe she isn't. Maybe she agreed. Maybe she didn't. Maybe she's desperate for money. Maybe she agreed to do xyz and on the day, when she's been performing sex acts and is surrounded by men, the goalposts were moved and she didn't feel she could say no.

Who knows.

And that's another massive issue with internet porn.

NiceGerbil · 10/02/2021 23:05

Good luck OP you're doing the right thing and your friend who said yay get with it! Is a nob.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2021 23:09

You poor thing. I feel sick reading that and I’m not married to him. You deserve so much better. It’s not normal, not all men do it and even if they did it upsets you - as it would me and millions of other women - and that’s plenty reason to divorce him. He’s being really revolting, how ugly.

As to your friend? I pity her. Nothing good about being a surrendered wife.

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