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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I stop doing this?? **Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape**

219 replies

Toodlepippip · 07/02/2021 20:54

Late thirties ,been with my DH for 20+ years.
Sex has always been an issue,he would have it every day , multiple times a day if it was up to him.
Or that's what it feels like, as he is constantly talking about it,messaging about it,groping ,touching me, sending me links to lingerie or outfits he wants me to wear. This happens no matter where we are ,what we are doing. Whether I'm ill or upset,it's relentless.
We have sex usually 2-3 times a week. But we can have just had sex and he will start again, with it all and go on about the next time.
It's getting me down,I have tried telling him the more he does this,the less I want sex, because I never get the chance to actually want it , to desire it ,because it's just a constant pressure .
He seems to think if he doesn't keep on at me about it,then I will forget and it won't happen. Despite this never being the case ,I think the longest he's gone has been 3 weeks and that was because I'd had an operation,even then for me it was way too soon.
I often have sex when I'm not really in the mood for it ,because other wise he gets moody and sulky and he's just generally a nicer person to be around if he gets it.
I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too.
He woke me up one morning a few weeks ago ,by groping and touching and started to initiate sex. I said no and asked him to stop twice. I was going to then explain why I wasn't feeling up to it.
But he just said No,No I won't stop. It just didn't occur to me that he would say that. I just froze I don't know why,I just didn't know what to do. We ended up having sex.
I feel rubbish in myself right now ,but even so I have managed to convince myself it was just a few words and it's not a big deal and it's totally my fault for freezing.
How do I stop doing this,I'm always finding a way to excuse any behaviour no matter what it is.
I just find his behaviour so confusing,he can be lovely and kind in so many different ways. How can he be like 2 completely different people?

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 07/02/2021 21:01

You stop it by ending the relationship and walking away. He raped you. Its unforgiveable and there is no relationship anymore, just you suffering an entitled sex pest rapist. Please get some help with this, no one is ok after being raped.

readyforachangemaybe · 07/02/2021 21:03

Gosh that sounds really difficult. I would struggle massively with that. It sounds incredibly intense. Obviously I don't know what your DH is like, but I'm wondering whether relationship counselling is the way to go. I feel like you need to have a third person there to mediate a conversation where you assertively tell him this cannot continue. From what you are describing it's barely consensual.
Are there any other areas where he's so assertive?

Haggisfish · 07/02/2021 21:04

That’s not assertive. That’s rape. Leave op.

TheVolturi · 07/02/2021 21:05

He's a fucking rapist. Nothing less.

DinosaurDiana · 07/02/2021 21:07

You shouldn’t have to put up with that behaviour.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 07/02/2021 21:11

No there isn't really an other areas he's so assertive,he seems to be a good and fair manager at work,he's good to his family a good brother and son.
Which is why I struggle so much with this other side of him, because it's in such stark contrast to how he is normally.

OP posts:
gutful · 07/02/2021 21:15

This topic is really triggering to me.

He doesn't respect you, he thinks being in a relationship earns him the right to have sex with you, even if you don't want it.

He is a sex pest & this is rape.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 07/02/2021 21:18

Sorry it's triggering for you, I don't know how to add a trigger warning to the title can anyone help with this??

OP posts:
Chunkymenrock · 07/02/2021 21:22

God how absolutely bloody gross he sounds. He has crossed a line. I would not bear this vile specimen a moment longer. Tell him in no uncertain terms OP.

Willthisneverend · 07/02/2021 21:28

If you have tried talking to him and he is not getting the message, perhaps you need to scare him. Tell him: no means no and non consensual sex is illegal , even within a marriage. Freezing and just letting him do it, is not consent. His behaviour is abusive.
I know that in an otherwise O K marriage it can be hard to believe/accept that your DP is an abuser but you need to establish boundaries because now he has got away with ignoring your objections and refusing to stop he will feel he can do it again and again.

You can do it as gently or as harshly as you see fit, but you need to spell out for him that what he is doing is, in the eyes of the law, rape.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 07/02/2021 21:34

It's so hard, logically I know what people are saying is true. If a friend had come to me with the same scenario,I would be saying the same.

But it's so hard to believe it ,even using that word,feels like I'm being melodramatic and a drama queen,making a big deal over nothing.

OP posts:
Chunkymenrock · 07/02/2021 22:42

Bumping for you OP.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 07/02/2021 22:55

I'm so sorry op. As the others have said, it's rape. All those other times he's coerced you it's also rape. You didn't give consent freely, you were badgered into it to avoid his strops after. Every time he gropes you or touches you when you don't want to be touched, it's assault. I know it's going to be hard to recognise. It took me years after i left my ex to be able to put a name to what he did to me.

You froze when he did this. People know about flight and fight but not many know that freeze is also a reaction to an event. You couldn't fight him, he's bigger and stronger and he's told you he's going to do it anyway. You couldn't take flight for the same reason. Your subconscious took over and protected you the only way you had left - freeze, let him get on with it so he doesn't hurt you. It's a very, very valid and understandable reaction. You were taking care of yourself the only possible way you could. You freezing is not consent.

I'm so sorry he did this to you. You could call rape crisis for some help? You're probably feeling so confused and hurt right now. That's absolutely natural. I think you should be concerned that his behaviour is escalating and start taking steps to get away from him.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/02/2021 22:56

I got the absolute chills reading this. This man is sex obsessed, forces you to comply and the when You say no he sexually assaulted you. I’m so sorry you need to leave him and quick. He will never ever change.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 22:58

Your husband is sexually harassing and abusing you, constantly, and he has raped you. I so desperately wish you could see this for what it is. You should be running a mile away from this horrible, disgusting man.

Isadora2007 · 07/02/2021 23:03

@gutful way to go on the supportive messaging there. Whilst it’s a shame it was triggering for you it happened to @Toodlepippip and she clearly didn’t mean to upset anyone. Blaming her further isn’t really helpful.
@Toodlepippip I hope you can see from the messages of support here that you’re worth so much more and you even say if your friends said similar things you’d know it wasn’t right. Maybe you’d tell them it’s rape and to leave.
So why are you worth less than your friends would be? What about your child? Would she be worth more?

sunnyzweibrucken · 07/02/2021 23:30

Sex obsessed men are so disgusting. They don’t understand it’s a huge turn for many women.

Punching · 07/02/2021 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/02/2021 23:36

@Aquamarine1029

Your husband is sexually harassing and abusing you, constantly, and he has raped you. I so desperately wish you could see this for what it is. You should be running a mile away from this horrible, disgusting man.
This.
zeddybrek · 07/02/2021 23:39

This is one of the saddest posts I have read.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

You deserve so much better, please don't compromise and stay with him. You know you have to end this otherwise what quality of life will you have.

Borderterrierpuppy · 07/02/2021 23:43

I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Please phone rape crisis ASAP and if you can confide in a good friend please do. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. X

DishingOutDone · 08/02/2021 00:00

I think it would be better if you called Rape crisis and talked it through with them rather than your normal counsellor. They wont break your confidence but they will be able to talk candidly about his actions and what might be your next step.

rapecrisis.org.uk

BaggoMcoys · 08/02/2021 00:03

You don't deserve to live like this op. You should be safe and comfortable in your own home. I agree you should speak to rape crisis. I'm so sorry.

rawalpindithelabrador · 08/02/2021 00:07

Your husband is a rapist and an abuser. You are not safe with him. It is not your fault. The only solution is to leave this person. He'll never stop raping and abusing you.

TinyCake · 08/02/2021 00:07

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

There are some links to organisations that might be able to help just above your original post.

Please take care.