How do I stop doing this?? **Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape**

[Toodlepippip]

Late thirties ,been with my DH for 20+ years.
Sex has always been an issue,he would have it every day , multiple times a day if it was up to him.
Or that's what it feels like, as he is constantly talking about it,messaging about it,groping ,touching me, sending me links to lingerie or outfits he wants me to wear. This happens no matter where we are ,what we are doing. Whether I'm ill or upset,it's relentless.
We have sex usually 2-3 times a week. But we can have just had sex and he will start again, with it all and go on about the next time.
It's getting me down,I have tried telling him the more he does this,the less I want sex, because I never get the chance to actually want it , to desire it ,because it's just a constant pressure .
He seems to think if he doesn't keep on at me about it,then I will forget and it won't happen. Despite this never being the case ,I think the longest he's gone has been 3 weeks and that was because I'd had an operation,even then for me it was way too soon.
I often have sex when I'm not really in the mood for it ,because other wise he gets moody and sulky and he's just generally a nicer person to be around if he gets it.
I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too.
He woke me up one morning a few weeks ago ,by groping and touching and started to initiate sex. I said no and asked him to stop twice. I was going to then explain why I wasn't feeling up to it.
But he just said No,No I won't stop. It just didn't occur to me that he would say that. I just froze I don't know why,I just didn't know what to do. We ended up having sex.
I feel rubbish in myself right now ,but even so I have managed to convince myself it was just a few words and it's not a big deal and it's totally my fault for freezing.
How do I stop doing this,I'm always finding a way to excuse any behaviour no matter what it is.
I just find his behaviour so confusing,he can be lovely and kind in so many different ways. How can he be like 2 completely different people?

I can't say no again,I know I should if I don't want to,I know just going along with it isn't a good idea.

But I'm not good at saying no to anyone,I'm someone who always wants to keep other people happy.

It was only a few words ,but on my part it took a lot to say no. When he just ignored what I said, when he just didn't think,he was so oblivious to what I was trying to say. I'm not sure I can do it again.

Somehow it feels easier to go along with it,kid myself that he doesn't know I don't want to,than the alternative. Even kid myself that I want to.

This is so sad OP he now has crate blanche to rape you multiple times because you think your No doesn’t mean anything

Please talk to rape crisis and women’s aid to help you unpick this and get a plan going forward

And he does know he is a grown man who copes perfectly well will life.

Does he always overrule you in everything. Do you have a say in anything or are you always going along with what he wants

I totally understand OP - the pull of a easy life is very strong and ignoring this, burying it, would in some sense take away the pain of it. But the brain won’t allow that cognitive dissonance for long, your stress will come out in other ways. No one can live like that for long. I’m so sorry for you and I very much hope you find the strength to leave this disgusting pig of a man. His actions ARE NOT YOUR FAULT, you have done NOTHING wrong x

I have contacted rape crisis,I'm working on my plan to leave ,getting things in place,I will get out.
But in my own time,I don't want to be pulled back,I need to do it right, if that makes sense? If I left today with nothing and massively struggled,I know he'd try and persuade and convince me to come back. I want to feel strong enough that when I leave it's for good. That I can support me and my family.

Well done, op. Strength to you.

good for you.

bloody good for you.

I know why you would consider going along with it - it is psychologically less traumatic for you to do that than face the cold hard reality of him ignoring your no and pinning you down.it doesn't surprise me that it doesn't register for him. Abuse can be incredibly casual and throw away for abusers. To them it's nothing. They live in a completely different psychological landscape than the rest of us, whilst doing an incredible amount of damage the whole time.

I'm glad you are putting together the pieces to leave.

Thank you ,I needed that today, been feeling a bit low ,I'm.always being positive and just keep going,always thinking the best of people.
Think it's just all caught up with me today. So thank you. The support the really helps.

Well done OP - you’ve been bloody brilliant to do that. Big strength and love to you x

You'll be fine. The women who get out get fine.

It'll take a bit of time and planning, and be very careful, but, you will be fine.

Am genuinely delighted to have seen your update. Bloody good for you.

But I'm not good at saying no to anyone,I'm someone who always wants to keep other people happy.

He knows, he picked you, stayed with you, exploited and reinforced that trait for decades; it suits him. Did not even have to be conscious of strategic.

You'll have to get to the bottom of it and develop assertiveness & boundaries for your own sake in general, even aside from this relationship.

It is pretty sad and disturbing to know a woman's going to continue having sex with a man who's essentially raped her but it's understandable that you want to try to get counselling and set up the practical means of leaving.

Just read the whole thread
Proud of you OP
So proud of you xx

Good work OP. You're doing brilliantly.
Advocating for yourself can be a really hard thing.
It sounds like you're making a good plan

He hasn’t just effectively raped you on this occasion. It’s been going on for years, but in a convoluted and subliminal way. Never once have you mentioned the phrase ‘ Making love ‘.

It sounds, from what you say, he just turns over, gropes you, fucks you till he cums, then bangs on about the next time. There is no mention of softness, consensual touching, sensual kissing and for me and most ‘ normal ‘ men, the act of holding, caressing, cuddling, snuggling, pillow talk, laughing after the physical stuff has been enjoyed by both.

It is a pattern of behaviour that has anaesthetised you and your feelings for years. Today, in this day and age, this behaviour is not just not acceptable, it’s borderline and is criminal, ( Not that’s it ever been morally right ).

He’s uttered the magic words, and you have been snapped out of it. With the views and opinions you been given on here, I should imagine you might never look at him in the same light again, every time he climbs on top of you......

There are many, many men out there who will treat you with the love, respect, admiration and thoughtfulness that you deserve.

I sincerely hope you leave this fucking abuser and find a decent man.

@Fabiofatshaft

He hasn’t just effectively raped you on this occasion. It’s been going on for years, but in a convoluted and subliminal way. Never once have you mentioned the phrase ‘ Making love ‘.

It sounds, from what you say, he just turns over, gropes you, fucks you till he cums, then bangs on about the next time. There is no mention of softness, consensual touching, sensual kissing and for me and most ‘ normal ‘ men, the act of holding, caressing, cuddling, snuggling, pillow talk, laughing after the physical stuff has been enjoyed by both.

It is a pattern of behaviour that has anaesthetised you and your feelings for years. Today, in this day and age, this behaviour is not just not acceptable, it’s borderline and is criminal, ( Not that’s it ever been morally right ).

He’s uttered the magic words, and you have been snapped out of it. With the views and opinions you been given on here, I should imagine you might never look at him in the same light again, every time he climbs on top of you......

There are many, many men out there who will treat you with the love, respect, admiration and thoughtfulness that you deserve.

I sincerely hope you leave this fucking abuser and find a decent man.

Ooft. Did we need the ferocity?

@RootyT00t

Sometimes you have to say it as it is........

Op’s mind is in a mess, dressing it up to make things seem more palatable won’t solve anything.
Her husband is both a narcissist, sociopath and veritable rapist.

You can virtually hear her cry for help in her posts.

However long you stayed with him doesn't matter. You know now and are taking steps to get yourself to safety in a timeframe that works for you. It is also wise you contact a crisis center. You should be proud of yourself for the steps you have already taken. As you have said, this is without a doubt a difficult thing to do.

I am sure they have told you already, but start squirreling away money and make copies of documents you may need. Above all keep it quiet. There is no telling what he will do once he knows.

Hi there, I feel compelled to comment. Reading your post, I resonate with how you feel. When I was 16, I got into a long term relationship. During that time I was raped more than once. I didn't know it was rape until several years later when I described what had happened to a therapist. Thankfully, I was out of the relationship by then but it took me another 10 years to come to terms with the fact that it was rape and to stop defending him. To be honest, even now I feel that it was my fault at least in part. I just wanted to say that I understand how terrifying and scary it is to see someone who you had viewed as loving suddenly be associated with the word 'rapist'. It's traumatic. You are very brave xxx

Thank you so much for sharing,just knowing that people understand is so helpful in feeling less alone. Knowing other people have been in the same boat and come out the other side.