How do I stop doing this?? **Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape**

[Toodlepippip]

Late thirties ,been with my DH for 20+ years.
Sex has always been an issue,he would have it every day , multiple times a day if it was up to him.
Or that's what it feels like, as he is constantly talking about it,messaging about it,groping ,touching me, sending me links to lingerie or outfits he wants me to wear. This happens no matter where we are ,what we are doing. Whether I'm ill or upset,it's relentless.
We have sex usually 2-3 times a week. But we can have just had sex and he will start again, with it all and go on about the next time.
It's getting me down,I have tried telling him the more he does this,the less I want sex, because I never get the chance to actually want it , to desire it ,because it's just a constant pressure .
He seems to think if he doesn't keep on at me about it,then I will forget and it won't happen. Despite this never being the case ,I think the longest he's gone has been 3 weeks and that was because I'd had an operation,even then for me it was way too soon.
I often have sex when I'm not really in the mood for it ,because other wise he gets moody and sulky and he's just generally a nicer person to be around if he gets it.
I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too.
He woke me up one morning a few weeks ago ,by groping and touching and started to initiate sex. I said no and asked him to stop twice. I was going to then explain why I wasn't feeling up to it.
But he just said No,No I won't stop. It just didn't occur to me that he would say that. I just froze I don't know why,I just didn't know what to do. We ended up having sex.
I feel rubbish in myself right now ,but even so I have managed to convince myself it was just a few words and it's not a big deal and it's totally my fault for freezing.
How do I stop doing this,I'm always finding a way to excuse any behaviour no matter what it is.
I just find his behaviour so confusing,he can be lovely and kind in so many different ways. How can he be like 2 completely different people?

That's why my advice was to talk to him. Not in a way to fix it, more of a "leave me the fuck alone or im calling the police" until you can leave xx

He will ramp up the abuse. Abusers do not believe they are. Threatening to call the police when she won't is dangerous. He doesn't understand 'talk'. He's a rapist.

@Toodlepippip

Op please do not feel Responsible in any way for your husband unacceptable behaviour.!

Your husband knows his behaviour is off its wrong but he feels as your are his wife/Partner that he is entilted to you,(he sees you as his chattel, property,that your feelings take second place to his. !

Your husband hides in plain sight of respectability l like a lot of Arseholes.!
(wife beaters/emotional abusers etc.!

With you he can really show reveal his true colours as he feels more cormfortable to do so and does not feel he has much too lose.!

Op I think your husband has allways has this side aspect of his psyche/personality !
Its got nothing really to do with being having different kinds of sex drive levels.!

Its just his excuse to make his demands seem more reasonable and shift the blame on.!

I bet he has some kind of history of treating women like shit in his background who have the misfortune to come across him.

Your husband is a misogynistic Arsehole/a sex Pest and a Rapist op.

Even Arseholes men can come across to outsiders as nice people its part of the mr nice guy facade
!

He has already damaged your self Cofindence etc op.

I haven't read all of the responses but I'm not immediately going to launch into saying it was rape (the specific thing that happened, although I agree that it was but I know it isn't always quite so clear cut in your own mind when there's been a long relationship etc etc)
But I'll give my experience as a marker to go off.

With ex h for 15 years, he was always a bit of a sex pest, it was a huge contributing factor to my wanting to leave (your h sounds even more extreme)
I struggled with it daily, the pestering, guilt, knowing that a day after we had sex it would all start again, I hated it and it caused me to hate him.

I decided to leave and bought up leaving and us separating and he raped me in my sleep after this (I woke up to it). He has never believed he did anything wrong, 2 years later I don't believe he thinks he did anything wrong still. I believe this is the kind of mindset a man like this can have, and I urge you to consider carefully if you want this pressure for the rest of your life.

Everyday now without that pressure is so freeing and wonderful.

if sex has always been an issue why the hell have you stayed 20+ with someone you are not compatible with sexually.

@bigbeautwoman Oh dear, are you that bored and wanting to wind people up for a laugh, about something so serious?

Rape/sexual assault isn't about sexual incompatibility.

@Toodlepippip

It's so hard, logically I know what people are saying is true. If a friend had come to me with the same scenario,I would be saying the same.

But it's so hard to believe it ,even using that word,feels like I'm being melodramatic and a drama queen,making a big deal over nothing.

But it's so hard to believe it ,even using that word,feels like I'm being melodramatic and a drama queen,making a big deal over nothing.

This is what you need to work on. You know that it is not ok. The difficult part for you is believing that you have the right to say NO, and have that accepted WITHOUT manipulative mood swings or indeed, rape.
Your self worth and self esteem have suffered in this life. Immediately start to work on that. Good luck.

@gaijinetal

I'm interested to know how he'd feel if he were a gay man in a relationship with a man bigger/stronger than him, who continually expected, hassled and pressured him for sex .. and who had recently said "no, i'm not stopping" when he said he didn't want to go ahead and have penetrative sex, and went ahead?

Would he feel he was being treated fairly, decently, respectfully?

now that’s a stupid post !!!

@SoulofanAggron

if sex has always been an issue why the hell have you stayed 20+ with someone you are not compatible with sexually.

@bigbeautwoman Oh dear, are you that bored and wanting to wind people up for a laugh, about something so serious?

Rape/sexual assault isn't about sexual incompatibility.

it’s the 20+ years that lead to it! ffs

it’s the 20+ years that lead to it! ffs
Recognising and leaving abusive relationships is not that easy when you're living it.

If you're just here to give someone who is suffering rape and sexual coercion in her relationship a hard time, maybe you should really step back and consider what sort of person that makes you.

Sexual harassment and rape. This is abuse. You need to leave him

the OP said it’s always been an issue so she did recognise it.

@bigbeautwoman Rape and sexual assault aren't about someone's libido. A bloke could be the horniest man in the world and not rape or sexually assault people.

OP has always realized her husband is very keen on sex, but she's only realizing the extent of the dark side of that now.

As Category12 says, someone can be married to a sex pest/abuser for years before they realize what's happening and that it isn't ok. Especially as he was OP's first boyfriend or something, so she didn't know any different, for all she knew all men grab women etc.

And the outright continuing when she's said no and saying he's going to carry on, is a new thing, that's why she made a thread.

Can we draw a line under any derailing now, please, so the focus can go back to the OP?

Thanks all.

@bigbeautwoman you're being so helpful, thanks so much!

[quote RootyT00t]@bigbeautwoman you're being so helpful, thanks so much!

[/quote]
I know, you’re welcome !

I have a low sex drive and my DP has one that is comparatively higher.
If he EVER tried to push sex on me when I didn’t want it I would leave him. That includes creating an atmosphere where refusing sex has the consequence of negative/sulky behaviour. If you’re having sex because you know it’ll be shit if you don’t, you’re being coerced and manipulated into it.

This is rape. I’m so sorry.

OP... Wow. I could've written this myself, practically word for word. After 17 years of putting up with it I left. I would tell him that even though I was married I'd never felt so alone and unloved. He told me that he would show me love when I gave him what he wanted. He couldn't hold a normal conversation with me but he was obsessed with sex and could talk about it every minute of the day. I felt like an object. We tried counselling but he thrived on that and saw it as a bit of entertainment. It turns out he was a misogynistic narcissist with a sexual addiction. I discovered that he had been keeping a diary on our sexual activity, what we did, when, how long it lasted for, whether I orgasmed or not and lastly...scoring me out of 10. The final nail in the coffin was when I discovered he'd been having an affair.
He's not going to change OP. So do you simply put up with it? Can you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? I never really told anyone the extent of just how constant it was, or just how horrific it was. 4 years on and this post has brought it all back.
Lastly, it is a form of abuse. It takes me a lot of strength to say that out loud and admit it...because how the hell does your marriage get to that point and worst of all, that you put up with it?
Sending you strength. Happy to pm if you need further support x

The problem with "bad" people is they aren't as obviously bad as we expect them to be. They have good points and bad points and it's all mushed together. Your husband could go to jail for a long time for doing that to you. I hope that makes you realise that he is indeed a bad person, despite any other good qualities he may have. I completely understand that you don't want to report him. I also understand that you may not wish to leave him.. but PLEASE STOP having sex with him. You may not want to use the word rape as it is very scary to say it.. but you need to explain to him that he forced himself on you and that you froze in terror (fight, flight or freeze). Tell him that you won't be having ANY sex for a long time until you can process that. Not only is this the right thing for you to do for yourself, but it will have the added bonus of revealing your husbands true colours. I'm guessing he won't be understanding about your need for a break and that should tel you everything you need to know

OP, why is his feeling that he wants to have sex more important than your feeling that you don't want to have sex?

His sex pest behaviour is one thing. His sulking and moping around if u out date to say no to him is abusive too.

Op, you have the right to have sex whenever YOU want it. You have the right to say no, for any reason. Why is his need to have sex more important than your desire not to have sex? It's not.

What do you think he'd do if you told him what you put in your first post here? Does he know how strongly you feel or how much he is repulsing you?

If you dare to say no, that should say.

l think he'd be really upset and confused that I feel this way,I don't think he would think it's as serious as other people have. He's the most law abiding,do things by the book person I know. Which is why I struggle with accepting it.
I get the usual,It's because I love you so much and fancy you,what's wrong with that type of comments when I try to talk to him about it.

I think you know that he knows his behaviour is unacceptable. Park it up for a few days and see how you feel about it at the weekend. I'd suggest an "abnormal smear, refrain from intercourse" appointment, and see how he behaves. A loving husband would accept, be frustrated MAYBE, but put your health and wellbeing first. A rapist won't. I'm not suggesting that you hang fire to see if he rapes you again and then decide, please take every precaution you can, get your ducks in a row, paperwork in order, a bag packed and in the boot incase you need to flee. And please tell a friend that you're having issues, so you have somewhere to go I'm the event of an emergency. You will feel safer in yourself if you have choices and options.

because you are not an object who belongs to him you are a person who has a right to decide

He is a grown man though he should understand the seriousness of it