How do I stop doing this?? **Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape**

[Toodlepippip]

Late thirties ,been with my DH for 20+ years.
Sex has always been an issue,he would have it every day , multiple times a day if it was up to him.
Or that's what it feels like, as he is constantly talking about it,messaging about it,groping ,touching me, sending me links to lingerie or outfits he wants me to wear. This happens no matter where we are ,what we are doing. Whether I'm ill or upset,it's relentless.
We have sex usually 2-3 times a week. But we can have just had sex and he will start again, with it all and go on about the next time.
It's getting me down,I have tried telling him the more he does this,the less I want sex, because I never get the chance to actually want it , to desire it ,because it's just a constant pressure .
He seems to think if he doesn't keep on at me about it,then I will forget and it won't happen. Despite this never being the case ,I think the longest he's gone has been 3 weeks and that was because I'd had an operation,even then for me it was way too soon.
I often have sex when I'm not really in the mood for it ,because other wise he gets moody and sulky and he's just generally a nicer person to be around if he gets it.
I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too.
He woke me up one morning a few weeks ago ,by groping and touching and started to initiate sex. I said no and asked him to stop twice. I was going to then explain why I wasn't feeling up to it.
But he just said No,No I won't stop. It just didn't occur to me that he would say that. I just froze I don't know why,I just didn't know what to do. We ended up having sex.
I feel rubbish in myself right now ,but even so I have managed to convince myself it was just a few words and it's not a big deal and it's totally my fault for freezing.
How do I stop doing this,I'm always finding a way to excuse any behaviour no matter what it is.
I just find his behaviour so confusing,he can be lovely and kind in so many different ways. How can he be like 2 completely different people?

Thank you for all your posts ,I'm trying to get my head around what people are saying,it's just so hard to accept that this is actually rape.
That the person I thought I knew and loved could actually do that. I just don't understand ,have I turned him into this person ,if my drive matched his,if I made him feel more secure, confident,desired and attractive somehow, would this make it all better???

Of course you haven’t turned him into this. This isn’t your fault in any way whatsoever. Please get some support, I think calling Rape Crisis would be a good idea as suggested upthread. I’m so sorry for what you are going through, please don’t blame yourself or minimise it.

Do not blame yourself, you are a victim of his harassment.
Why don’t you ring Rape Crisis and ask them for an opinion.
Please - if you ever don’t feel safe with him, if you feel scared of him phone 999.

You’ll find that others rarely change @Toodlepippip.

We (women) tie ourselves in knots trying to change ourselves, our ways of communicating and so on. Sadly, the person who has to change (and FAST) is him.

Not that my comment excuses his behaviour one iota.
You’ve had some good advice. I’d call rape crisis and have a chat.

gutful - why feel the need to say what you did? This thread isn't about you. If you find something "triggering" (I hate that word), just close the thread and leave.

OP, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Even without the rape, his behaviour is totally unacceptable - he sounds exhausting and tedious to live with on a day to day basis. But the rape shows that he is willing to escalate his behaviour, and that is frightening.

He's good to his family, you say, and a good brother and son. But he's not good to you, the family member he should cherish most? And he's a good and fair manager at work? Don't settle for being treated with less consideration and respect than he treats his work colleagues, comparative strangers to him, for goodness sake.

Please speak with Rape Crisis and Women's Aid.

This sounds so familiar to me.
Only after I got out of my abusive relationship I realized I was raped and not just once.

It doesn't feel like it because we are have implanted in our thoughts that because we are in a relationship it cannot be rape. Rape happens only with strangers. So so so wrong!!

When I was having sex with my ex it always hurt.. i just thought it's smth wrong with me. But no! It hurt because my body didn't wanted it! He was exactly like your husband...wanting it all the time!

My future hubby is so so so different. And sex is so much fun with him because we both want it! he makes me feel nice and protected and when i say no he absolutely has no issue.. he actually jokes and says we have all of our life ahead.

Run OP. Honestly!

Does he own your body or do you own your body ? Punch him in the face everyday or attempt to ...say you need to and he’s wrong not letting you. I cannot BELIEVE you stayed this long !!!!

He was like this before you and he'll be like this after you. Leave.

just going to repeat what everybody else has said . its no doubt going to be hard for you , but you need to call it a day , apart from the fact he more or less raped you , its the constant pressure of living like this , always feeling like you have to force yourself to shag him or hes sulking like a toddler denied his sweeties . it will make you ill in the end carrying on like this ,, it would drive me insane to be honest . if you do leave him i expect you will feel better almost immediatly from having that weight lifted from you ,

I'm really sorry, OP, but yes, that is exactly what rape is. We've been conditioned to think it's not rape unless he dragged you behind a bush and four people in the next village heard you screaming or whatever, but that's bollocks. And we're conditioned to it for precisely this reason: to stop women with your experience from being taken seriously even by themselves.

Please get help and whatever you decide to do, this was not your fault and yes it is that serious. You're not crazy or overreacting.

You must leave, not only is he a rapist but he has some kind of sexual disorder which can never ever be satisfied. I realised my ex husband had this, no matter how much sex we had it was never enough.
He would have had sex all day then complained it wasn't this or that or enough.
I didn't want to live like that. But it took a suicide attempt on my part to realise what my life had become.
Get the hell out of there.

He thinks he owns you. He believes he's entitled to access your body however and whenever he wants. You asked him to stop and he said "No I won't"! That's actually pretty shocking. You need to address this outside of the bedroom and make it clear he does not touch you again without your consent. Meanwhile make plans to leave. He's a sex pest and a rapist, this isn't your fault and you don't need to change. You have done nothing wrong.

I feel like I'm somehow letting people down,by not being able to accept it,that my lovely kind sweet husband,who can be so incredibly caring and supportive in so many ways,could be this other person,a rapist.
It makes me feel crazy, going round in circles, trying to somehow explain or excuse it, because I just can't make it fit,it just doesn't make sense.

It's easy to be kind, sweet, caring and supportive when you're getting everything your own way. The test of a character is how a person reacts when someone says no to them, when they don't get their own way. You said no, and look what happened. He has shown you who he is and as the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are believe them.

You're not letting us down. We understand how if works. We know that these men don't go around with horns and breathing fire and burning virgins. It's far more subtle and insidious than that. They usually don't believe it themselves, they usually think they're the good guys, or at least flawed heroes. They'll point you to all the good stuff they do (and it's usually what you'd expect as standard from a life partner or father...really nothing exceptional, but they think it is).

Of course it's crazy making. Hence the stereotype of women as insane and irrational, when they're usually seeing things clearly. It's all connected.

Please get help. You're not crazy.

Do you have kids OP?

You don't have to call it that or give him a label you're not comfortable with.

But you're unhappy, and you're not in control of what happens to your own body, and it's not OK. You don't owe him sex whenever he wants it, and groping you etc is not sexy or acceptable.

I'm so sorry that you were raped by the man who should be the last person on earth you should feel unsafe from. The thing is, the sex pest behaviour is such a strong indicator of the sort of man he really is and that is a man who thinks his needs trump all.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? It's easier said than done to just leave but I think you should start planning to go, start setting aside money etc. In the mean time, explain to him in teeny tiny words that he has raped you, how unwanted his constant pestering is, ignore any pleas of hurt ego, the man is a rapist. Hopefully it will pull him up short for long enough for you to be safe whilst you decide what to do next.

If he's been a sex pest for years, in every situation, and has now moved on to rape he is not going to change in the long run Toodlepippip and I suspect in your heart you know this. Sending you much strength for whatever step you take next.

@Toodlepippip

Please get help
Leave this abusive relationship now
Good luck

@Toodlepippip

I feel like I'm somehow letting people down,by not being able to accept it,that my lovely kind sweet husband,who can be so incredibly caring and supportive in so many ways,could be this other person,a rapist. It makes me feel crazy, going round in circles, trying to somehow explain or excuse it, because I just can't make it fit,it just doesn't make sense.

Have you tried talking to him about it? What does he say when you ask why he continued to force himself on you when you'd already said no to sex ?

@Toodlepippip sorry, you posted while I was typing, sorry, my post is harsh. I can see your dilemma, he obviously is kind etc in many other situations but that must be when it suits him. From my side of the fence it's hard to see a sex pest and someone who forces himself on his partner (knowingly) as a kind and loving man. I agree with all those who say to ring a rape support charity and talk this through with them, you won't be the only victim who has been in the same situation.

No nothing you could have done would have changed this. You could have a similar sex drive and still not want it at one point.

His words of No I wont stop crossed a massive line from sex pest to rapist

I agree rape crisis OP