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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I stop doing this?? **Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape**

219 replies

Toodlepippip · 07/02/2021 20:54

Late thirties ,been with my DH for 20+ years.
Sex has always been an issue,he would have it every day , multiple times a day if it was up to him.
Or that's what it feels like, as he is constantly talking about it,messaging about it,groping ,touching me, sending me links to lingerie or outfits he wants me to wear. This happens no matter where we are ,what we are doing. Whether I'm ill or upset,it's relentless.
We have sex usually 2-3 times a week. But we can have just had sex and he will start again, with it all and go on about the next time.
It's getting me down,I have tried telling him the more he does this,the less I want sex, because I never get the chance to actually want it , to desire it ,because it's just a constant pressure .
He seems to think if he doesn't keep on at me about it,then I will forget and it won't happen. Despite this never being the case ,I think the longest he's gone has been 3 weeks and that was because I'd had an operation,even then for me it was way too soon.
I often have sex when I'm not really in the mood for it ,because other wise he gets moody and sulky and he's just generally a nicer person to be around if he gets it.
I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too.
He woke me up one morning a few weeks ago ,by groping and touching and started to initiate sex. I said no and asked him to stop twice. I was going to then explain why I wasn't feeling up to it.
But he just said No,No I won't stop. It just didn't occur to me that he would say that. I just froze I don't know why,I just didn't know what to do. We ended up having sex.
I feel rubbish in myself right now ,but even so I have managed to convince myself it was just a few words and it's not a big deal and it's totally my fault for freezing.
How do I stop doing this,I'm always finding a way to excuse any behaviour no matter what it is.
I just find his behaviour so confusing,he can be lovely and kind in so many different ways. How can he be like 2 completely different people?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toodlepippip · 08/02/2021 10:42

I have never told my counsellor specific details about what's been happening. Just more generally about communication issues and how I find it difficult to communicate my needs.
It feels disloyal,another PP was right,I don't want to take him to court,I don't want him punished ,I don't want to ruin his life. I don't want friends , family,work colleagues to think badly of him. I do want it to stop. But feeling this way makes it difficult to reach out for help.

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 08/02/2021 10:56

@Toodlepippip

I have never told my counsellor specific details about what's been happening. Just more generally about communication issues and how I find it difficult to communicate my needs. It feels disloyal,another PP was right,I don't want to take him to court,I don't want him punished ,I don't want to ruin his life. I don't want friends , family,work colleagues to think badly of him. I do want it to stop. But feeling this way makes it difficult to reach out for help.
Op he actually deserves to be prosecuted (and outed) for decades of sexual coercion and now fir outright rape.

However, it is completely understandable that you don't want to do that now (or perhaps ever).

As to wanting it to stop. I'm not a professional but I seriously doubt this man is going to change his entire mindset and behaviour easily or at all.

He could go for counselling but the chances of an abuse, which is what he is, regardless of not being violent/appearing functional & respectable etc. changing from counselling is low.

Your best chance of it stopping is to leave/get him out sooner or later. It's under that it will take the for you to get to that point, but I'm wondering how your home life will be in the interim.

You have actually been raped (and are living with your rapist).and you're probably in shock, confusion etc. You could do with counselling specifically about it. I'm not sure if your current counsellor is appropriate for that or if you'd be better going to someone else.

treeeeemendous · 08/02/2021 11:04

Please show your counsellor this thread. Maybe you have written what you find hard to say.

category12 · 08/02/2021 11:07

Your counsellor, (or indeed Rape Crisis who you could speak to anonymously), won't try to make you report him or prosecute him or even leave him (although it would be a good option). But they can't help you if they don't have the full story of what's going on. It's defeating the object of the counselling to hide this part of the picture.

CaptSkippy · 08/02/2021 11:22

Hey, OP sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Your husband sounds like a narc and sex-pest. They way you are feeling towards him "disloyal" and having sex just so he doesn't become sulky have all the hallmarks of a covert narcissist.

This won't stop I'm afraid. Consent in this situation has become murky at best, but actually it's starting to look more like rape. I know this is hard to hear, but your husband is not a good man.

Take care of yourself. You deserve to be loved and have your boundaries respected.

CaptSkippy · 08/02/2021 11:30

OP, please don't look at the him not hitting you as "not being physically aggressive". He HAS been physically aggressive, by ignoring your NO.
He has also been escalating his sexually aggressive behavior towards you.
Not hitting you is not the issue here, but him raping you is.

You don't have to report him, but please get away from him, because this will only get worse.

diddl · 08/02/2021 11:31

It sounds as if you are "safe" because you do as he wants & if he don't -well he does what he wants anyway.

Even without the rape his behaviour is (imo) revolting.

Constant groping, talking about sex, links to underwear/outfits-that must be abuse?

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 08/02/2021 11:33

It's becoming clear that if I want this to stop,I have to leave,he's not going to have a sudden epiphany and realise how he's behaving is wrong. I might love him,In fact I would do anything to help him and support,but actually he doesn't feel the same ,he might say he does ,but his actions show otherwise.
It's either leave or put up with his behaviour. I guess I'd kind of convinced myself that there was an other option, that if I just tried hard enough I could make us both happy. But I can't save the relationship on my own and were not on the same page.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 08/02/2021 11:42

I've only just read this, and kept mainly to your posts, OP.

He's a rapist and a sex pest and you've been abused for years. Nothing about him is 'lovely'. Sources of assist

Hailtomyteeth · 08/02/2021 11:45

This keeps happening to me today, sorry...

Assistance include the police and the local authority's domestic violence unit, as well as Women's Aid and all the usuals. Talk to Rape Crisis.

Don't stay with him, don't minimise. Don't regret because this is down to him, not you. Wishing you a better future.

Rainbowsandstorms · 08/02/2021 12:01

I’m sorry but I also think you need to leave. I was thinking it may be something you could work on until I read the last bit. You said no he still pushed ahead with sex, that is rape and it’s not ok just because you’re in a relationship. There is no one to blame but him. His behaviour was already unreasonable but this crossed a line. You said you froze that for me says you felt scared of the situation and is absolutely not your fault. It’s not ok to be treated like this. Being in a relationship with you doesn’t mean he’s entitled to have sex with you when ever he wants to. He needs to respect you and your feelings but he has now raped you and this isn’t ok. Don’t let him minimise what he did or persuade you that it’s was ok. You deserve to be respected and never to be forced to have sex.

Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 12:04

My exh raped me whenever he wanted sex. It became a way of life. I did leave eventually... You can too.

Honeyroar · 08/02/2021 12:07

Have you ever confronted him about it? Told him he’s pressuring you? Told him he’s a bit of a sex pest (and that’s the softest way you could put it!)? I just wonder what he comes back with?

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 08/02/2021 12:18

OP, you can love him and see he has some good points and still know that his behaviour is wrong and destructive and illegal, and walk away. People do it all the time.

N0tfinished · 08/02/2021 12:21

Why can't he leave? Your children & you are not the ones at fault. Why should you lose your home?

You're not the one who's causing this, he is. Ask him to leave, because you can no longer tolerate his coercion & rape.

Worried830410 · 08/02/2021 12:28

Did it occur to you op that he is SO loving and caring to everyone else because he needs to do that to cover his sequel abuse of you. That he needs to be that way so as to confuse you. It seems like he has groomed you.

You should not be living this way. He is now progressed to raping you. Because that's exactly what happened when you told him to stop and he did it anyway.

You have given him 20 year of your life. Do not give this abuser another second. Please leave. He has abused you for far too long.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 12:59

@Toodlepippip

It's so hard, logically I know what people are saying is true. If a friend had come to me with the same scenario,I would be saying the same.

But it's so hard to believe it ,even using that word,feels like I'm being melodramatic and a drama queen,making a big deal over nothing.

No melodrama.

If he 'just' kept trying it on he would be a sex pest.
But he went further, he ignored your No. Therefore he raped you.

You don't matter to him. You're just close by. Anyone would do.

You really can't continue with this.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 13:02

@Toodlepippip

It's becoming clear that if I want this to stop,I have to leave,he's not going to have a sudden epiphany and realise how he's behaving is wrong. I might love him,In fact I would do anything to help him and support,but actually he doesn't feel the same ,he might say he does ,but his actions show otherwise. It's either leave or put up with his behaviour. I guess I'd kind of convinced myself that there was an other option, that if I just tried hard enough I could make us both happy. But I can't save the relationship on my own and were not on the same page.
Why would/do you love him?

What's loveable? Nothing that could wipe out the way he treats you.

Can you afford to leave? (to be fair, you can't afford to stay) Do you own your house? Do you work?

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 13:03

@Toodlepippip

Thank you for all your posts ,I'm trying to get my head around what people are saying,it's just so hard to accept that this is actually rape. That the person I thought I knew and loved could actually do that. I just don't understand ,have I turned him into this person ,if my drive matched his,if I made him feel more secure, confident,desired and attractive somehow, would this make it all better???
No!!

He's a pig. Whatever you gave, he'd want more.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 08/02/2021 13:10

I work ,but don't earn a lot, we both own the house jointly.

No I can't really afford to leave,it would be extremely difficult financially and not in "I don't want to give up my expensive lifestyle" sort of way,But the cost of living and housing here is really high.
But I'm beginning to realise I can't afford to stay,I just wish it was easier.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 08/02/2021 13:15

@Toodlepippip

I work ,but don't earn a lot, we both own the house jointly.

No I can't really afford to leave,it would be extremely difficult financially and not in "I don't want to give up my expensive lifestyle" sort of way,But the cost of living and housing here is really high.
But I'm beginning to realise I can't afford to stay,I just wish it was easier.

Have you been able to tell him how you feel? That he's assaulting you when you don't want sex and because of that you're looking to leave the relationship.

It sounds like he needs to seek help for his behaviour

You should do whatever is best for you - you can't 'fix' him Thanks

londongirl12 · 08/02/2021 13:18

You need to talk to him as well. Say if he doesn't stop then you're going to the police. Be firm, don't let him persuade you otherwise. Make sure he knows you mean it. At least that should give you some time before you can leave if you want to

Eckhart · 08/02/2021 13:21

@Toodlepippip

No there isn't really an other areas he's so assertive,he seems to be a good and fair manager at work,he's good to his family a good brother and son. Which is why I struggle so much with this other side of him, because it's in such stark contrast to how he is normally.
This is so hard to read. You think he's a good manager at work, so you accept that he rapes you? Rapists don't 'look like rapists'. Somebody can be an angel in all other aspect of their life, but it doesn't mean that rape for them is different that rape by a horrible person.

He's not concerning himself with your feelings over this. Why are you concerning yourself with his? You don't need to work on your communication in order to communicate your message clearly here. If you can say 'No', that's all the communication skills you need.

He has overridden you when you've said 'no'. You have to get away from him.

CrispsTasteSoGood · 08/02/2021 13:21

I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too

I can't say what I am about to say strongly enough. Stop wasting your time thinking that if only you can find the right way to communicate he will hear you. You speak perfectly good English. He is perfectly able to understand what you are saying. He is choosing to not listen. There is NOTHING you can do about that.
You said No to sex. He heard you. He ignored you. He chose to have sex with your frozen body, knowing he was making you have sex you don't want. This is clearly the culmination of a longtime of him ignoring your clear communication.

You need a better counsellor. One who tells you that you cannot talk to someeone who does not want to listen.

You cannot fix this. You will only be able to move on with your life when you accept this.

I speak as someone who has a long and painful experience of this. My entire life would be so different and so much better if I had just accepted that the problem was not with how I spoke but with the fact that he did not want to listen.

gaijinetal · 08/02/2021 13:24

I'm interested to know how he'd feel if he were a gay man in a relationship with a man bigger/stronger than him, who continually expected, hassled and pressured him for sex .. and who had recently said "no, i'm not stopping" when he said he didn't want to go ahead and have penetrative sex, and went ahead?

Would he feel he was being treated fairly, decently, respectfully?