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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I stop doing this?? **Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape**

219 replies

Toodlepippip · 07/02/2021 20:54

Late thirties ,been with my DH for 20+ years.
Sex has always been an issue,he would have it every day , multiple times a day if it was up to him.
Or that's what it feels like, as he is constantly talking about it,messaging about it,groping ,touching me, sending me links to lingerie or outfits he wants me to wear. This happens no matter where we are ,what we are doing. Whether I'm ill or upset,it's relentless.
We have sex usually 2-3 times a week. But we can have just had sex and he will start again, with it all and go on about the next time.
It's getting me down,I have tried telling him the more he does this,the less I want sex, because I never get the chance to actually want it , to desire it ,because it's just a constant pressure .
He seems to think if he doesn't keep on at me about it,then I will forget and it won't happen. Despite this never being the case ,I think the longest he's gone has been 3 weeks and that was because I'd had an operation,even then for me it was way too soon.
I often have sex when I'm not really in the mood for it ,because other wise he gets moody and sulky and he's just generally a nicer person to be around if he gets it.
I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too.
He woke me up one morning a few weeks ago ,by groping and touching and started to initiate sex. I said no and asked him to stop twice. I was going to then explain why I wasn't feeling up to it.
But he just said No,No I won't stop. It just didn't occur to me that he would say that. I just froze I don't know why,I just didn't know what to do. We ended up having sex.
I feel rubbish in myself right now ,but even so I have managed to convince myself it was just a few words and it's not a big deal and it's totally my fault for freezing.
How do I stop doing this,I'm always finding a way to excuse any behaviour no matter what it is.
I just find his behaviour so confusing,he can be lovely and kind in so many different ways. How can he be like 2 completely different people?

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 09/02/2021 13:18

@Toodlepippip
Good luck. Thinking of you.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 09/02/2021 13:37

Thank you everyone ,the support from everyone has been so helpful and really opened my eyes.
Hearing from PP who have managed to get out and leave has been exactly what I needed to hear,that it's possible that it can be done.
I will too.

OP posts:
TheresAwholeWideWorld · 09/02/2021 13:47

Take care Toodlepip you've taken a huge first step by recognising what is going on is not ok. You've lived this life for a long time so you are bound to have got conditioned to things. His rape of you has opened his eyes, he's not just a bloke with a higher sex drive he's a predator. The fact that you have managed so long is a testament to how strong you are so you WILL be ok. You will manage this next step. The nest of vipers is here and there are a lot of people ready to support you at rape crisis etc. Sending love and strength your way.

ittakes2 · 09/02/2021 16:28

I am sorry this is happening to you. You froze because your body went into self protection mode. Your mind was telling you something was very wrong and you needed to be quiet so you could work out where the danger was and how best to deal with it to protect yourself. Its a very common response during sexual assaults. Someone once posted a short video on mumsnet why this happens and I found it very helpful.
This must all be very confusing for you. He clearly does love you but he loves himself more - you don't treat someone you treasure in the way he he treats you. Unfort I think you have been with him such a long time you've become accustomed to the way your relationship is - but deep down you know this is not a healthy relationship as and this is why you have posted asking for advice. I wish you the best.

SoulofanAggron · 09/02/2021 17:33

He clearly does love you

@ittakes2 I don't think we can say that for sure based on how he acts.

Fabiofatshaft · 09/02/2021 21:42

I’m a man. Not all men are rapists. He’s a fucking rapist and possible sociopath.

If you had a married daughter, and she came to you and told you the story that you have just told us, what would you say to her !?

The rest of the sentence he spoke to you, ‘ that finished in his head, went like this ‘

“ No, no, I won’t stop ‘ because I’m going to fuck you until I cum, and I don’t want to stop and I don’t care what you say or what you want ‘ “

Jesus, no nice brother, son, father and husband does this !!!!

If the woman says stop, you fucking stop !!!!

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 10/02/2021 07:59

Thank you for that perspective,that's helpful, because a lot of my confusion and difficulties in accepting it,have been because I can't understand what happened.
Why he did what he did,it doesn't make sense to me,I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why he said it and what he was thinking.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 10/02/2021 11:31

Why he did what he did,it doesn't make sense to me,I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why he said it and what he was thinking.

He did it because he thinks he's entitled to sex even when you don't want it.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 11:55

@Toodlepippip

Thank you for that perspective,that's helpful, because a lot of my confusion and difficulties in accepting it,have been because I can't understand what happened. Why he did what he did,it doesn't make sense to me,I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why he said it and what he was thinking.
Well he's been doing a version of what he did for decades, hasn't he.

You just hadn't said no before and not give along with the pressure to have sex.

So it's not like he did something he hasn't been prepared to do or that's been against his mindset .. he's had that mindset throughout your entire relationship. He's entitled to sex from you when he wants it and you don't have the right to say no.

I've heard of men with this mindset before, and seen it on here a few times it's not totally uncommon, it's one of the range of abuser behaviours.

They usually have other abuser behaviours too if you take the rise tinteds off. Though it's not impossible an abused might have only one behaviour.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 12:02

*He's entitled to sex from you when he wants it and you don't have the right to say no.

I should clarify, it seems like he's never had to say it out loud before; because the expectation, coercion, manipulation, pressure etc worked for him.

So you've never had a clear, definitive idea of his mindset.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 10/02/2021 12:08

gaijinetal I think your right,I don't know him like I think I do, the propensity to behave like this ,must have always been there ,he just didn't need to say it out loud before now.

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 12:26

I'm.sorry you're in this shot situation op.

It's entirely his fault.

His behaviour wasn't right even before the rape - which calling a spade a spade, is what it was.

You've been putting up with a lot of unfair expectation and pressure around sex for a long time.

And you got together pretty young when it's easy not to see through something like this.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 12:27

*shit, obviously

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 12:29

Coercion, really - is what it's been.

Decades of coercion. Escalating to rape when you drew a line in the sand.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 12:43

Came across this article online;

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12477095/

"Findings from a 1997 national probability sample revealed that 34% of women were victims of some type of sexual coercion with a husband or partner in their lifetime. Of these women, 10% experienced rape by a current partner. This rate increased to 13% when only victims of rape by a current husband were included, which is consistent with previous studies on wife rape. Other findings reveal that women had unwanted sex with a current spouse or partner in return for a partner's spending money on them (24%), because they thought it was their "duty" (43%), after a romantic situation (29%), after the partner begged and pleaded with them (26%), and after their partner said things to bully them (9%). The importance of examining a continuum of sexual coercion is discussed and findings are compared and contrasted with other prevalence rates for sexual coercion in marriage."

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 12:44

You'd imagine this is under reported as well.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 10/02/2021 18:24

Your right @gaijinetal it's decades of this kind of behaviour ,it's not an easy spell to break and wont happen overnight.
The worst thing is,I don't even think it's registered for him,it's almost like he thinks I'm playing hard to get and it's some how attractive and seductive that he is so demanding and dominating. I'm not even sure if he has any idea what he has done and how he has made me feel.

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 18:36

Then he has fucked up values and opinions re. the opposite sex, and sex itself.

Not that that isn't obvious.

He's been sexually coercive to his partner for years and has now essentially raped her.

(He'll conveniently not see the latter as that because she froze and didn't get into a physical struggle, no doubt).

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 18:42

As a total aside - does this man not masturbate?!

Every day I think you said in your op, he's wanting sex. Even those of us with a v high sex drive, usually "express" it through a combination of sex and masturbation (when you don't have time, inclination efc. to have sex). That becomes more likely over time, too ; I find. When you're out of the honeymoon period and maybe kids are in the picture etc.

Does he not (does he think.his every incident of arousal has to be "resolved" through sex), or does he act like this as well as masturbation?!

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 18:45

I'm not even sure if he has any idea what he has done and how he has made me feel.

Do you think he truly thinks things are normal since that incident, or is he trying to pretend they are?

If they were presumably he'd be expecting sex again imminently.

It would seem.the right time to say you told him you didn't want to/to stop and he totally ignored your wishes, your consent.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 10/02/2021 19:02

He has expected sex since ,because it wasn't even a blip on his radar. Things are normal to him ,but not for me.

No he doesn't masturbate,I don't know if he ever did before in relationships ,but he certainly doesn't seem to now.

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 10/02/2021 19:47

Thing is, he's done it once and gotten away with it, in his eyes. So what's to stop him doing it again and again?

You need to get out as soon as you can.

LadyRoughDiamond · 10/02/2021 22:28

@Toodlepippip I know that finances are a concern right now, but do look into what you’re entitled to. I’d also speak to a solicitor about how assets could be split. I’ve been lurking around these parts for a while now and have seen so many women discover that the post-split finances weren’t as bleak as they feared. If this is one of the concerns holding you back, do some digging.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 22:54

He has expected sex since ,because it wasn't even a blip on his radar. Things are normal to him ,but not for me.

Fkg unbelievable (his behaviour).

If he continues to expect it, this us obviously going to come to a head soon when he returns to badgering/guilting/pressuring etc. for sex.

No he doesn't masturbate,I don't know if he ever did before in relationships ,but he certainly doesn't seem to now.

I just find that weird; I've never had a partner who didnt masturbate (except perhaps in the very earliest honeymoon period when you werd at it like rabbits and there wasn't much to "spare".

It makes you wonder if he sees masturbation as something you do if you don't have access to a woman for sex, and the woman as the automatic receptacle of every bit of arousal/sex drive you have. If that's the case, I've never encountered a man who thinks like that .. it seems odd, extreme, simplistic and very entitled. Even the most fked up, chauvanist man I've ever been involved with didn't act like that (though he did masturbate rather passive aggressively within hearing distance if I wasn't up for sex when he was).

I honestly don't know how you haven't shouted at him "go and have a wank and give me a rest FFS" during your relationship to date. That sounds comical but obviously the subject is not, especially given what he's escalated to recently.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 23:01

@Babysharkdoodoodood

Thing is, he's done it once and gotten away with it, in his eyes. So what's to stop him doing it again and again?

You need to get out as soon as you can.

Yes, his entitlement and indifference to your consent was/is staggering.

It is worrying how he's going to behave if you continue to avoid sex.