How do I stop doing this?? **Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape**

[Toodlepippip]

Late thirties ,been with my DH for 20+ years.
Sex has always been an issue,he would have it every day , multiple times a day if it was up to him.
Or that's what it feels like, as he is constantly talking about it,messaging about it,groping ,touching me, sending me links to lingerie or outfits he wants me to wear. This happens no matter where we are ,what we are doing. Whether I'm ill or upset,it's relentless.
We have sex usually 2-3 times a week. But we can have just had sex and he will start again, with it all and go on about the next time.
It's getting me down,I have tried telling him the more he does this,the less I want sex, because I never get the chance to actually want it , to desire it ,because it's just a constant pressure .
He seems to think if he doesn't keep on at me about it,then I will forget and it won't happen. Despite this never being the case ,I think the longest he's gone has been 3 weeks and that was because I'd had an operation,even then for me it was way too soon.
I often have sex when I'm not really in the mood for it ,because other wise he gets moody and sulky and he's just generally a nicer person to be around if he gets it.
I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too.
He woke me up one morning a few weeks ago ,by groping and touching and started to initiate sex. I said no and asked him to stop twice. I was going to then explain why I wasn't feeling up to it.
But he just said No,No I won't stop. It just didn't occur to me that he would say that. I just froze I don't know why,I just didn't know what to do. We ended up having sex.
I feel rubbish in myself right now ,but even so I have managed to convince myself it was just a few words and it's not a big deal and it's totally my fault for freezing.
How do I stop doing this,I'm always finding a way to excuse any behaviour no matter what it is.
I just find his behaviour so confusing,he can be lovely and kind in so many different ways. How can he be like 2 completely different people?

Many women were forced to live like this years ago. You now have options, even if it will not be easy. Please leave or your life will be intolerable. He cannot love you.

Have you told your counsellor about him refusing to stop when you asked? About the times when you didn't want it but gave in after his relentless badgering? If not I would urge you to tell them, print off and show them your post if you don't feel like you could say the words.

Your body is yours and you deserve autonomy over it. Your husband violated that autonomy and that is NOT your fault - you told him to stop and that is a clear sign of your intentions, nothing else was required. He proceeded even though he knew without a doubt you didn't want it; it doesn't matter what he does in other areas of your life together, though I know that it's not as cut and dried as that when you are in the middle of that situation.

You deserve to live with someone who makes you feel safe and respected, can you honestly say that this person is your husband? I do hope that you take some of the advice you've received here and reach out for help as there is a better future out there for you if you can access that help.

Your sex drives don't match, he wants it everyday and you don't. Just leave him now, amicably, if he's that desperate for sex everyday let him find a girlfriend who wants it all the time

I don't know many women whod be up for sex every day, especially after the early honeymoon/lust- driven part of a relationship.

Let's face it, he'd be looking for a needle Inna hat stack. He's be hassling whoever he was with after the initial part of a relationship.

He was sexually coercive/a sex pest until op said no, then he escalated to becoming a rapist (he was always s rapist I suppose, just not an "outright" one because his badgering was successful).

I doubt he's going to change.

The poster who said speak to him/challenge him; what is going to happen, seriously? He'll minimise, lie and gaslight.
Look at his behaviour for decades and when told no.

Thank you everyone,Im listening to everything that everyone is saying and taking it on board.

It is helping me gain a perspective that I didn't have,it just still feels so surreal.

Also op don't let him make this about "love" or even attraction; it doesn't mean you don't live your partner if you don't want to have sex with then every day/constantly. You can love someone deeply without wanting or needing to have sex every day. Sex is not love and vice versa.

Likewise you can be very attracted to someone without "needing" to have sex with them every day.

Don't let him claim you don't love him or aren't attracted to him (or aren't proving your love or attraction by having sex every day or everytime he wants it). You were. His expectations are excessive (for most people) and his behaviour coercive .. abd then actual rape.

It's his issue - it's abusive.

Firstly OP, really take on board that this is not your fault or problem that is your responsibility to fix.
It's also not something that if you phrase your refusal 'right' will be ok. Unfortunately your partner has shown you that he simply won't take no for an answer. That's abusive, putting it mildly.
Do you want to live like this?

As others have said, he’s a rapist. Leave. Run, don’t walk.

Also, if he uses how much he loves you as an excuse/defence .. how exactly do you live someone but push them to do something intimate they don't really want?!

Wouldn't you have some consideration for them? Are you bullshitting yourself that they'll come around and enjoy it? That's self serving. There's a real lack of consideration and respect there. But that's all pretty by the by given he actually escalated to outright rape.

Op, it sounds like you don't have abty kids together yet (?) Now us the time to get out. Because it's abusive and wrong but also because .. imagine him being like this while you have pregnancy, birth, possibly breast feeding, sleep deprivation, teething, and all the demands that babies and young children put on you.

Aside from that he's shown himself to be a actual rapist, no matter what he thinks or how he frames it.

OP it is going to be really hard to process and accept the reality, it’s probably not just going to click in your head because you’ve been subjected to this for years and he’s normalised his behaviour and gaslighted you into believing there is nothing wrong with him and you are the issue.

Keep talking about it here, talk about it to your counsellor, ring woman’s aid or one of the rape charities. Speak to a trusted friend, family member or work colleague. Please keep talking about it until it starts to unravel and you start to see the truth as everyone on here is saying - you already know in your head you are being abused and his behaviour is wrong and the relationship needs to end. You know this but it’s going to be tough to push all those years of coercive control and conditioning aside. You must keep talking and letting it all come out so you can begin to accept what you need to do.

Good luck OP

Previous posters are right. He knew you didn't want it- you even said so verbally, and he outright said he wasn't going to stop even though he knew you didn't want it.

You are emotionally frozen and can;t seem to do anything about it (even though you know his behaviour is despicable and you are married to a rapist) because he has worked on you so comprehensively.

The fact that you allowed this means he will do it again and more. you have given him license now. This is NOT your fault, you have been coerced.

You need to leave. Be your own best friend and get away or ask a friend to help you with it. MNers can help you leave. this is an amazing sourse for what to do when.

I have no family I can go too,some good friends,but nobody I can take this too. It just seems insurmountable to leave him.

How can a few words just make so much difference. Or maybe I was just kidding myself before,it just wasn't to overt,so I could carry on burying my head in the sand.

You probably need counselling to deal with this op, it's been a v long relationship, since you were young and he's conditioned you to accept this behaviour for decades.

We do have children,this is actually when this behaviour became more noticeable,when I became pregnant, before then I could keep up I guess and there wasn't as many other demands or pressure on my time that I could manage to balance everything and keep everyone happy.

How can a few words just make so much difference.

Well he outright declared he's a rapist who won't take no for an answer .. for whom consent doesn't matter. His "right" to have sex is more important than your right to say what happens to your own body.

Ultimately his partner has no right to her own body, no right to say no to sex, he doesn't need consent ... Nice that he's actually verbalised it clearly for once.

How do you change entitlement and indifference to consent like that? You don't really. He could be in counselling for years and might never change.

OP, marital rape carries a 4 year to 19 year prison sentence in the UK. That should tell you how serious a crime your vile partner has perpetrated on you.
Please get help. Contact Women’s Aid and Rape Crisis, and start organising to leave this criminal and begin a happier life without him. They will give you advice and practical support - you will not have to tackle this on your own.

OP I wish I could wrap you up and keep you safe, this man has abused you thoroughly, physically, mentally and emotionally. Your disbelief that he could have raped you suggests that he has been manipulating in other ways, making you doubt what you know to be true. Please call rape crisis center or women's aid today, please talk to someone about this, anyone but him. Don't confront him, don't do joint counseling he is abusive and will use that as a means to abuse you further. You now know what he is capable of, you can't unknown that so please act to keep yourself safe.

@Toodlepippip

We do have children,this is actually when this behaviour became more noticeable,when I became pregnant, before then I could keep up I guess and there wasn't as many other demands or pressure on my time that I could manage to balance everything and keep everyone happy.

That is not surprising.

You must have felt under so much fkg pressure with babies/young kids with someone like this .

It makes it more complicated to leave but at the end of the day, women leave (or stay and get him out) every day of the week. Looking at how you'd manage financially is a very important step and the cab could help you with that (phone appointments).

But it sounds like you need counselling to help you through this.

women's aid might also be able to help - they do online chats now as well.
You could copy and paste your op if you didn't want to have to go over it verbally.

*He could be in counselling for years and might never change.

I shout clarify - he probably wouldn't go for counselling because he doesn't think he's the one with the problem.

Even if he did, it would probably just be a manipulative tactic and I doubt he'd change his behaviour long term.

But raping someone makes this all pretty irrelevant anyway.

I know if a woman who was raped by her husband (and dad of kids). They were having regular sex with consent but he changed to anal sex without her consent and held her down. He watched a lot of porn and was fixated on it. I think he may have tried it before but she hadn't wanted to. He waited til they stayed over at a hotel to attend a wedding, with alcohol involved, to do it; she thought because he figured she'd be less likely to stop him having had drinks and because they were away from their kids if she kicked off afterward.
The sad thing is, she didn't leave and he later left her for a very young woman.

Either way I have no doubt she's glad she's out of the marriage. I believe he was also never held to account for what he did - rape. I'd say it's very common for that to be the case in marriages and relationships, and those guys know that.

I'm safe ,he has never hit me,is never physically aggressive, doesn't lose his temper or even raise his voice or shout. So I feel safe in that way. I feel like I have some time to pick my way through this and get my head around it.
I think speaking to my counsellor will help too.

Op if this was ok for you, you would not be posting.
Deep down you know that this is wrong and making you unhappy.

This is a horrible way to live, l hope you manage to find a way out.

What a nut job. Really sorry for your situation. I would want to leave, but I'm sure it doesn't seem that easy.

I presume that type of guy squares it fir himself in believing that you can't rape a partner/wife.

The change in the law is irrelevant to them.

Ultimately they probably see their wives/partners as their possessions to some extent. Also they conveniently think that consent once/repeatedly means permanent, ongoing consent and so it can't be rape. There's a mindset behind behaviour like that that can't be changed imo.

Also, a v important factor is that the fear of being outed or even prosecuted is almost non existent for them because they know the women will be extremely unlikely to do so for various reasons; gossip, people's general continued ambiguity about coercion & rape within marriages, and v importantly; not wanting to take the father of their kids to court, whether they stay with him or not. They know they're almost "untouchable".

You poor thing. You've found yourself in this dreadful relationship and while I'm sure you want to stay with DH on the other you must want to leave. To be clear what he is did is wrong and totally unacceptable.

The next part is down to you. You have aa choice to make now. Do you want to try to salvage this relationship or would you rather move on? Each will be massively challenging but you must make a decision. Don't let this relationship limp on as it will just bring you down.

There is support out there for whichever way you turn. Please find counsellor who will help to guide you whichever you choose.

Good luck x

NONE of this is your fault - none at all!!

The sulking is about trying to tell you it is your fault - it is about saying "Look at poor me - I have not had my oats - it is all your fault that I am sad." You are buying into this - you are agreeing that you have to have sex with him to keep him happy. You do NOT!!!

I was married to someone who became a sex pest (as a result of porn watching and a brain disease) and it drove me nuts. He did not force himself on me, but the pressure to comply and the constantly having to fend him off felt relentless. It was impossible to initiate even the mildest kindly gesture without it being seen as a come-on; I could not get dressed/undressed without relentless approaches.

Really you are young - your OH is not going to change - he has no excuse. My OH had a degenerative brain disorder and this and the drugs he had to take caused the problem - which is why I stuck with him as I knew he could not help it. But your OH can help it - he could stop it if he chose to and if he cared enough about you - sorry that is a bit blunt, but really he does not care about you. You are just somewhere to stick his dick when he chooses.

Please go - enjoy some freedom and autonomy - I know how debilitating this scenario is - you really do not have to [put up with it.

It is not due to a fault in you - he will try and put the blame on you - but it really does not lie there. Please please remember that you are not at fault.

I am very surprised indeed that your "counsellor" has not advised you to leave.