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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I stop doing this?? **Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape**

219 replies

Toodlepippip · 07/02/2021 20:54

Late thirties ,been with my DH for 20+ years.
Sex has always been an issue,he would have it every day , multiple times a day if it was up to him.
Or that's what it feels like, as he is constantly talking about it,messaging about it,groping ,touching me, sending me links to lingerie or outfits he wants me to wear. This happens no matter where we are ,what we are doing. Whether I'm ill or upset,it's relentless.
We have sex usually 2-3 times a week. But we can have just had sex and he will start again, with it all and go on about the next time.
It's getting me down,I have tried telling him the more he does this,the less I want sex, because I never get the chance to actually want it , to desire it ,because it's just a constant pressure .
He seems to think if he doesn't keep on at me about it,then I will forget and it won't happen. Despite this never being the case ,I think the longest he's gone has been 3 weeks and that was because I'd had an operation,even then for me it was way too soon.
I often have sex when I'm not really in the mood for it ,because other wise he gets moody and sulky and he's just generally a nicer person to be around if he gets it.
I have been seeing a counsellor and really trying to work on my communication ,to be able to say what I feel and just improve the communication between us,so if I do say no,he doesn't feel so insecure or rejected. But I feel heard too.
He woke me up one morning a few weeks ago ,by groping and touching and started to initiate sex. I said no and asked him to stop twice. I was going to then explain why I wasn't feeling up to it.
But he just said No,No I won't stop. It just didn't occur to me that he would say that. I just froze I don't know why,I just didn't know what to do. We ended up having sex.
I feel rubbish in myself right now ,but even so I have managed to convince myself it was just a few words and it's not a big deal and it's totally my fault for freezing.
How do I stop doing this,I'm always finding a way to excuse any behaviour no matter what it is.
I just find his behaviour so confusing,he can be lovely and kind in so many different ways. How can he be like 2 completely different people?

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 08/02/2021 13:26

Does he think gay men don't have the right to say no to sex in a relationship too, or is it only women who don't have that right?

Quartz2208 · 08/02/2021 13:28

I think it is how he views you and his right to have sex. That is pretty much what he said when he siad no I wont stop

Have you discussed it with him - told him exactly what he is doing and what he did? That he basically overrode your rights over your body

rawalpindithelabrador · 08/02/2021 13:29

@londongirl12

You need to talk to him as well. Say if he doesn't stop then you're going to the police. Be firm, don't let him persuade you otherwise. Make sure he knows you mean it. At least that should give you some time before you can leave if you want to
Really bad advice for someone living with a rapist abuser.
Mischance · 08/02/2021 13:29

have I turned him into this person?

Please read back to my previous post where I sad that you are NOT to blame in any way for all this. This is what this sort of man does - he loads the blame onto the victim. You have not turned him into anything - he is what he is and you are having to deal with what he is - and what he is is not good at all.

You must tell your counsellor the reality of what he is doing.

Please hear this: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME IN ANY WAY AT ALL.

CrispsTasteSoGood · 08/02/2021 13:50

And please. PLEASE ignore the advice from all the PP saying ' talk to him OP' That is just continuing in the nowhere path of thinking you can fix this with the right words. You will go mad, keeping on down that path.
Stop talking to him. Start thinking about the new life you can form for yourself.

Colourmeclear · 08/02/2021 14:12

This is not a communication problem. This is a "he's an abusive self-entitled bleep" problem. There is no communication that he would accept besides "yes, you can do anything to me whenever you like and of course I really want it". He will not listen to you because he does not care.

I have been out ten years and I still haven't called what happened what it was, all I know is I'm out and I thank God every day that when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I shower etc I don't have to worry about being groped, leered at or coerced. My current partner is nothing but a gentleman, even after several years together.

EarthSight · 08/02/2021 14:28

I think what you need to realize is that abuse can be incredibly mundane - especially for the abuser. Some abusers are very calculated, whilst with others it's an almost casual part of who they are. If you are waiting for the moment where you have an EastEnders standoff in a pub where someome smashes things everywhere, if you are waiting for a scenario like that to wake you up, you might be disappointed.

Where's the love in this relationship? The tender care? It just sounds like you are there purely for his sexual needs. He has pushed boundaries for so long that one little extra push doesn't seem like such a big deal to him. This is how relationships with certain people can erode over time. They just keep pushing because they can, and it's how rape can appear in longterm relationships.

Freezing, or simply not doing anything is a valuable survival mechanism. Many women simply 'let' the man do what he wants because the alternative would be psychologically worse for them. The trauma of having to struggle, for them to witness and actually experiencing their partner physically holding them down and hurting them would be more unbearable in that moment, as it would expose the ugly truth of who he really is. Sometimes, going along with it gives the woman an illusion of control, that she is an active part of the situation when she is not. Other women are terrified and are scared if they struggle they will be worse off, physically.

Do not blame yourself for it. They are perfectly legitimate responses.

You need to get out of this 'relationship'. Not 'should', but you need to get out. I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. You're not safe with him. Call your family, friends and contact Women's Aid and the police.

EarthSight · 08/02/2021 14:30

@CrispsTasteSoGood

And please. PLEASE ignore the advice from all the PP saying ' talk to him OP' That is just continuing in the nowhere path of thinking you can fix this with the right words. You will go mad, keeping on down that path. Stop talking to him. Start thinking about the new life you can form for yourself.
Fuck yeah. Don't talk to him. He's shown you who he really is. Leave.
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2021 14:37

I'm so sorry that you have been treated this way.

I am repeating what PP have said - give rape crisis or women's aid a ring for a chat. They are brilliant.

EarthSight · 08/02/2021 14:40

@Toodlepippip

I have no family I can go too,some good friends,but nobody I can take this too. It just seems insurmountable to leave him.

How can a few words just make so much difference. Or maybe I was just kidding myself before,it just wasn't to overt,so I could carry on burying my head in the sand.

I don't think it was just words. It was tone of voice, body language and facial expressions. You knew what he meant and no fucking wonder you froze from the horror of that.

I believe in you. The first step is to tell your friends that your marriage is over. Really do that because if you tell them 'we're having difficulties' they might think it's something that can be fixed. Tell them that it's over and that it's really important that you move out because you don't feel safe. If you want to, feel free to tell them what happened. It won't be in your nature but he has lost those privileges now.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 08/02/2021 15:33

I appreciate all the comments ,it's hard to hear,but I needed to hear it.
After 20+ years it's hard to immediately change the narrative of the relationship in my own mind, I know that may take time,but I know I need to leave and I need to take steps to do that.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 08/02/2021 16:03

@Toodlepippip

I appreciate all the comments ,it's hard to hear,but I needed to hear it. After 20+ years it's hard to immediately change the narrative of the relationship in my own mind, I know that may take time,but I know I need to leave and I need to take steps to do that.
That's why my advice was to talk to him. Not in a way to fix it, more of a "leave me the fuck alone or im calling the police" until you can leave xx
Shoxfordian · 08/02/2021 16:22

Can you at the very least sleep in another room? Preferably with a lock on the door? Please call rape crisis, call women’s aid, call the police if you feel you can to get away asap

YoniAndGuy · 08/02/2021 16:45

How can a few words just make so much difference. Or maybe I was just kidding myself before,it just wasn't to overt,so I could carry on burying my head in the sand.

Yes, it's you kidding yourself. It's not just a few words - those words were just a tip of a huge iceberg of casual sexual assault, coercion, groping, voyeurism, manipulation and finally rape - it's been going on all through your relationship. He's always been a rapist, he's just never actually needed to commit an overt rape before as he's always managed to get what he wants through pressure and coercion and control.

He's a rapist. Please consider reporting him if you possibly can, and please leave him.

Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 16:50

I told my ex that after dc4 was born the mw said I couldn't have sex for 6 months due to (non existing) complications. He fell for it. I was desperate to not get pregnant again.
After an abnormal smear I said the same.
He was very abusive round the home. With police assistance he was removed from the home after drink driving.. I filed for divorce then.
Op the relief was indescribable.. Confide in someone irl... It will spur you on.

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 08/02/2021 16:54

I'm not going to report him,I just can't do that,But I am going to reach out to someone in real life,start getting some support in place and my finances in order,see what help I'm entitled to so I can make a plan.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 08/02/2021 17:36

Definitely do those things.

Hailtomyteeth · 08/02/2021 17:40

I agree with the poster who said you need a better counsellor. And you need to be scrupulously honest with them.

bigbeautwoman · 08/02/2021 17:44

if sex has always been an issue why the hell have you stayed 20+ with someone you are not compatible with sexually.

Aknifewith16blades · 08/02/2021 17:51

OP, you can give Women's Aid a call and get support. If you can't call from home, there is a scheme that lets you use the consultation room in Pharmacys (Boots etc) to call from.

As well, it's very, very normal to freeze up during a traumatic experience. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

addicted2spaniels · 08/02/2021 17:52

As often quoted on MN, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He's not a nice man. He doesn't listen when you say No.

You only have one choice here, and that's walking away. With your head held high because you have done NOTHING wrong here. It's all on him.

Flowers
EarthSight · 08/02/2021 17:54

@bigbeautwoman

Yes, kick her when she's down from your judgmental tower, why don't you. You are speaking to a traumatized woman ffs. Have you heard of empathy??? Imagination?? Are you emotionally deaf?? Things aren't black& white. They're not always simple.

This isn't just a 'sexual compatibility' issue either. Jesus. Makes it sound like a 'I like night sex but he likes morning sex' kind of thing.

OkPedro · 08/02/2021 18:09

@EarthSight I don’t think bigbeautwoman could be bothered to read the thread

Original poster
Toodlepippip · 08/02/2021 18:10

To the previous PP who said why stay 20 years,maybe I worded it wrong, Sex was always a priority for him,it's his answer for everything,being stressed,feeling poorly,can't sleep,feeling happy ,excited etc. The answer is always sex.
Previously when we were younger and had less responsibilities,less life stuff going on it was fine,I enjoy,or enjoyed sex too,so although it was always there it wasn't so much of a problem back then.
Plus I was young and naive ,he's the only relationship I've ever had,I didn't know that all relationships weren't like this.
There are also many good points to him too,of course if people only ever showed you the negative side to them,you would run a mile. But it's not always that simple.

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 08/02/2021 18:27

@bigbeautwoman

if sex has always been an issue why the hell have you stayed 20+ with someone you are not compatible with sexually.
Have you actually read this thread, even just the op's posts?

What a stupid post.

The problem is not incomparability. The only "person" who'd be compatible with ops h is a sex doll.