My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

[SensibleJaneAndrews]

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry this has happened to you and I just wanted to provide an unmumsnetty hug.

Can I ask; is your dad likely to know you are not his biological child?

Thank you Kodak! My auntie thinks he has no idea. But I do look very like my birth father, so if my dad knew him he might have guessed??

He is your dad , he brought you up , helped care for you , loved you .
But he might not be your biological father.
If this man mentioned is your father , and is aware that you could be his daughter , then perhaps he would agree for a DNA test.
If you decided to do that then personally , I would keep that quiet until I had all the information.

It’s a lot to take in.

My only advice is to do nothing at first. Take your time to absorb the information. Go see a counsellor.

I am guessing that there is no doubt about your brothers parentage?

That’s such an awful lot to process
Echo Darker, I’d just hit the pause button, let it sink in and confide with a trusted other, professional or otherwise

Thank you for your comments. I’d like to arrange a DNA test but would need my birth father or a sibling to agree. It’s a lot to ask out of the blue. I sort of know what the result will be anyway as I look so much like this man. My brother is the spitting image of our dad so no doubt about his parentage I would say. I think I need to tell him at least that we are only half siblings?

What a thing to find out, that your Dad is a famous actor!

Counselling is good advice. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. Having someone outside the family, more independent than friends would really help.

I know Tenyearsgone, but he’s also a man who made it clear my mum was on her own when she fell pregnant. I’m not impressed by him.

Don't do ANYTHING in a hurry. Particularly blurt this out to your dad (and he is your dad, for all his faults, the other guy just contributed sperm).

I found out when I was 12 that my dad wasn’t my bio dad.

It’s traumatic so you have my absolute sympathy.

I’ve never considered a relationship with my ‘father’ as my dad is my dad and he is irrelevant to me.

However, I have issues about lying and liars so I think you need to spend some time on yourself and working through your feelings before you do anything or say anything.

Do you think I could keep this from him though? That’s what I keep coming back to. My dad is only in his seventies, he could live for decades, and I would be keeping this massive secret. It feels impossible.

Do you think your dad knows?

Is there anyway to do a DNA test to see if your aunt is telling the truth? Could you test using your brother? Sorry I’m not sure how DNA works whether you’d need a swab. I wouldn’t tell my dad just yet. My husband looks a lot like a famous celebrity but they’re definitely not related though he’s even been mistaken for the guy’s son.

I would be taking legal advice first to find out if your ‘father’ has the right to recoup the money he gave you. I’m guessing not from other news articles I’ve read where the situation was similar but I’d want to be clear about that first.

And you’re right, he IS my dad, the only person I could ever call that. He’s a complicated and flawed person but aren’t we all. I don’t want to hurt him, but keeping this secret also feels wrong.

Get in contact with the guy and just ask him to test so you know either way.

Who is on your birth certificate? There's a good chance your father knows and it's very unfair of your aunt to put you in this situation. It may or may not be true but what purpose does it actually serve to rake this over?

I doubt you'd get to have a good relationship and father figure in your life?

Wait and sleep on it for a good while to see if your aunts motives become clearer.

The question for you is what purpose does all this serve ?

I don’t think you should take your aunts word for it. The whole “you look like him” could be irrelevant. You may well be your fathers. The only way to prove it is a DNA test

So tell your dad what she said, but tell him you’re now unsettled but want to know for sure. But he will always be your dad.

New Year's Day was yesterday - you do NOT have to make any quick decisions about this. Sit with it. Get counselling. Then find out how to do a DNA test. THEN decide whether or not to tell him.

If HE sees himself as 'your dad' then how on earth could he take money back off you? Yet there seems to have been a lot of financial strife...

Don't bother telling him no good will come from it right now

If you feel you can approach potential bio dad and ask for a dna because he might not be your dad stranger things have happened

Thank you all for clear thinking advice. You’re right, DNA is the first step - my birth father owes me that much. And I hadn’t considered legal advice about my inheritance from mum but it’s a good point. Practical steps and counselling are the steps to take for now.

This must be a huge shock, so many feelings about your Mum, your relationship with your dad, etc.

But I would let the emotional impact settle and give yourself time to reflect before doing anything.

Firstly, Unless you have a DNA test, you can't be 100% sure, so I would keep cats away from pigeons until / unless you have proof. Though I gather DNA tests require a mouth swab, so not easy to get without telling your Dad why. Would the actor co-operate in getting tested, do you think?

Secondly, I wonder why your auntie chose to tell you? Where her sister had not.

Thirdly, this should not have anything to do with money. Your father did marry your Mother, he had another child with her - his obligation was moral as well as legal. He maintained his role in the family, bringing up you and your brother. It was appalling to try and reclaim money from his own children after your mother died!

Also - are you sure you want to contact your birth relatives? He and his family might be uninterested, or hostile. How would you feel about that?

Your mum is still your mum, your inheritance is still your inheritance (from her); your dad was a shit to try and 'renegotiate' that. Whatever the truth of this situation, your inheritance from your mum is safe. She's still your mum and that's no grounds to unravel a will.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I would be taking legal advice first to find out if your ‘father’ has the right to recoup the money he gave you. I’m guessing not from other news articles I’ve read where the situation was similar but I’d want to be clear about that first.

The money the OP received came via her mother's will from her legitimate assets. In the U.K. parenting is seen as a privilege and if his name is on the birth certificate he is deemed as father irrespective of parentage and DNA as her mother has passed and the estate divided and spent it would be very difficult to unring that bell. This goes back to nobility when other men/families were paid to take on illegitimate heirs and sever their claim on noble estates.