My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

[SensibleJaneAndrews]

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

"The aunt is speculating."

Well indeed.

It call all be some almost romantic fantasy wishing that Op's mum had been able to marry the actor & lived "happily ever after".

Doesn't sound as if that was ever going to happen!

@LadyEloise

@DuchessofDerbyshire If the OP submits her DNA to Ancestry or the like, it will bring up "matches" who are related to her. She can figure out then if her bio father is her father or the actor. DH's closest match to his father is a 4th cousin. Not as close as he'd like to get but it shows a link and that's what he needed.

But it can only match her with other people who have submitted their DNA for similar reasons.

Surely not many people do that? Out of the billions of possibilities, surely the odds are no one she is related to has used that service?

I don't know a single person who has ever submitted DNA for that reason.

DuchessofDerbyshire

You don’t get a match to a bio parent (unless of course they themselves have tested). The matches you do get however enable you to work things out to a large extent. Think of it like doing a jigsaw!

In OP’s case she has the name for both her Dad and the possible other father. The more you know the easier it is.

It sounds complicated but once you get going it’s not and there’s a few Facebook groups that will help if you get stuck.

You do sometimes get to a point where you really need someone else to test to determine things for sure (i.e. which of several brothers is a father if none of them or their children have tested).

It’s completely fascinating and a year ago I would never have believed how much you could find out from an Ancestry test. Ancestry has by far the largest database so is the best place to test.

The aunt wasn't wrong telling her, it could have cone out after that dad wasn't bio-dad m, say when he was dead, and the op would have a total shock and no idea what to do.

Least now she knows there is a 50/50 chance as mum dabbled with 2 guys and knows who the other is. Rather than no idea what happened.

I would do an ancestry test, see what comes up.

Thank you Omeara for explaining.
As you say, you do get information and it is like a jigsaw.
It certainly helped DH.

You'd be surprised how many millions have taken DNA tests through ancestry, you'd be very unfortunate not to get any type of match.
If you didn't recognise the name or person you can contact them or look at their tree.
It won't take long to find out which family you are gaining matches for.
I ended up with 190k matches, if I was under any doubt, it was obvious from the start.

So many people saying stay silent. What if this led to a relative having a relationship with another relative? Might be low chance but has happened. Truth is important.

People are mostly saying ‘don’t rush’.

@SunshineCake

So many people saying stay silent. What if this led to a relative having a relationship with another relative? Might be low chance but has happened. Truth is important.

Its only a possibility right now so what would be the point without proof and if he tried getting cash off the children after they lost there own mother he doesn't sound too nice anyway

The aunt sounds like a shit-stirring bitch.

The OP’s mum is dead, therefore the only route open to the OP would be for her to do the confronting and the finding out. What exactly is there to be achieved by knowing her biological father isn’t her biological father? So maybe he wasn’t, but the actor wasn’t there for her was he?

And the mind is clever, if you tell someone they look like someone it’s easy to find the comparison after the event.

The OP needs to ask what is there to be gained by telling the man who has been her father throughout her life that he actually isn’t her father at all. And the answer to that would be nothing.

I have a family member who did similar. She decided to take it on herself to tell the family that my nan’s youngest child wasn’t her husband’s child, at this point my Nan was dying and the aunt had been killed some years previous. The upset it caused in the family was immense, with others wondering if they too were the products of affairs etc. The only reason why she told them was because she was a shit-stirrer.

"but the actor wasn’t there for her was he?"

Indeed-he made it clear he wasn't interested & doesn't seem to have changed that stance in 50(?) years.

You might wonder why the Aunt thought that telling Op this man might be her father was a good idea when none of the "parents" involved have?

Perhaps because it's not such a possibility?

I think you are making quite a lot of assumptions, and are stating other people's opinion as fact.
You are assuming that you are the daughter of actor guy, based on the fact the you think he looks like you, and that your aunt says that there is a possibility he could be your father. You berate him for not standing by your Mum, but also say that Mum chose the man you have known as your father as the better bet. As you never discussed this with your Mum, this is all hearsay. Your aunt clearly does not know the truth of the matter, and it is possible that your Mum was never sure either. It is obvious that the man you have known as your father (MYHKAF) could have been you father, as he would not have gone along with the pressure to get married at such a young age ,had he not thought it was a strong possibility.
The actor guy might know that he is not ( could not?) be your father, even if he was seeing your Mum at the relevant time, and I think you are misguided to think that he has any obligation to you in the absence of evidence.
Your MYHKAF is presumably the person who has told you that your Mum "took him to the cleaners" - does he mean she benefitted from a divorce settlement made in accordance with the law and approved by a judge, based on evidence of both their financial situations and the needs of your mother and her children? That he felt it unfair that she should get part of the matrimonial pot? He doesn't sound a very nice man tbh. Are you saying he actually tried to take money from his own children after his ex-wife died? And that you suspect he would use any new info to overturn gifts already made?
I think in your situation I would speak to your brother, and do a DNA test with him, to see if you are full siblings. You don't need to tell either of your putative fathers that you are doing this - wait and see what the outcome is. Bear in mind, your mother or either of these men could have done DNA test years ago had they thought it appropriate or necessary, and there may be good reason why they didn't.
Can I ask how old you are? You sound quite young still, which makes this even harder for you.

I wouldn’t be too hasty to do anything. Keep this to yourself and share with your DH and an independent person (defo not your brother or any other family member).

I agree with other people your aunt shouldn’t have told you, she only told you because she felt guilty. All she has done is pass this guilt onto you!

Get a DNA test done, don’t just rely on what your aunt has said or that you look like this other man. I am a dead ringer for Andrea Corr and I mean I really look like her, but I’m not related in any way whatsoever!

I agree with other people your aunt shouldn’t have told you

Everyone has the right to know who their parents are. I would always want to know. I’d be disappointed in my mum that she hadn’t told me herself, but I’d understand her reasons.

In an age of genetic medicine, there may be medical circumstances in which knowing your true parentage is key.

My brother is the spitting image of our dad so no doubt about his parentage I would say. I think I need to tell him at least that we are only half siblings?

@SensibleJaneAndrews your brother is your brother, regardless of whether or not you share the same father - I assume he’s been there with you, supporting each other through thick and thin with your mum and dad, that’s what siblings do for each other, and your parentage shouldn’t be reason to change his status

@TatianaBis

I agree with other people your aunt shouldn’t have told you

Everyone has the right to know who their parents are. I would always want to know. I’d be disappointed in my mum that she hadn’t told me herself, but I’d understand her reasons.

In an age of genetic medicine, there may be medical circumstances in which knowing your true parentage is key.

I am sure if the OP is in her 50s now the genes and medical stuff are almost irrelevant. She's too old for more children and what's done is done.

Not sure about the right to know about your parents- what about a parent's right to keep quiet? Which one trumps the other?

The other thing to consider is that, while your aunt obviously believes this story, it may not be true. It might just have been your mother winding up her sister. I think it's quite strange that even when she knew she was dying your mother chose not to tell you.

@Tavannach

The other thing to consider is that, while your aunt obviously believes this story, it may not be true. It might just have been your mother winding up her sister. I think it's quite strange that even when she knew she was dying your mother chose not to tell you.

There's nothing "strange" about it.

In my situation, revealing the truth would devastate the child, their father, their sibling, cause absolute heartbreak and recriminations, and all to reveal a bio father that doesn't want to know.

The truth isn't the only consideration here.

In my situation, revealing the truth would devastate the child, their father, their sibling, cause absolute heartbreak and recriminations, and all to reveal a bio father that doesn't want to know.

I absolutelyagree that it could cause havoc.

But in this case the OP's mother was divorced from the dad after what seems to have been a bitter court case.

There’s only one way to go with this, otherwise it’s a bunch of what ifs. DNA. I’d spend money on DNA over counselling. Only DNA can provide answers.

It’d be pretty easy to get a DNA test for you and your brother to determine whether you are full or half siblings. Your brother would probably agree and there’d be no conflict. You could then ask one of the half siblings/their dad without involving your father that you grew up with.

Is aunt on dads side? She could take a dna test to see if she’s related to you.

I’m not sure what the legal position is if he can prove you are not his child and your mother hind that from him. Because that’s paternity fraud and altho he can’t sue your mother he may be able to claim some sort of claw-back. If your aunt knows then it will be fair and reasonable to assume your mother did. I know somebody who had their divorce settlement overturned because of this.

Deal with it in two stages

Get the proof through DNA
Decide what to do when you have it

He may be your bio father all along and your aunt is mischief making.

She sound horrid- how upsetting to have this thrown at you out of the blue.

What was she thinking of?

I am sure if the OP is in her 50s now the genes and medical stuff are almost irrelevant. She's too old for more children and what's done is done.

There are many degenerative diseases that come on in middle age where it’s very useful to know your genetic history. Huntington’s disease is literally caused by a genetic fault that can be tested for. But equally many illnesses may have a genetic element and there may be a family history of it - kidney disease, heart disease, neurological disease, diabetes, cancer etc. A doctor will ask you what diseases are in the family. If you don’t know who one of your parents are you don’t actually know.

Not sure about the right to know about your parents- what about a parent's right to keep quiet? Which one trumps the other?

Imo truth, honesty trumps falsity, misrepresentation, suppression ethically.

No-one can say it will devastate a child to know, it’s more likely to be devastating for the father. But even then a father may half know or always have suspected and it may be a relief to have it confirmed.

A friend of mine discovered as an adult that she had a brother who was the product of an affair of her father’s. He was delighted to find his new family and is equally in touch with new and old.