My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

[SensibleJaneAndrews]

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

It makes most sense to compare DNA with your brother or dad first. If there's a discrepancy then look to get a comparison with the actor, but it's daft to talk of what he "owes" you when it might all be hogwash.

You should talk to your dad. Maybe not now (the stress of Covid etc will likely amplify his feelings), but you should. Regardless of how well you do/don’t get on, he has a right to know and be sure. At the and of the day, he raised you.

On the money issue, if he demands the money back is it really so bad. Ultimately, it’s only money. Would you want to have received money dishonestly? Could you live with yourself knowing you’ll get/ have received money from someone who doesn’t know the truth? I couldn’t.

@TatianaBis

I am sure if the OP is in her 50s now the genes and medical stuff are almost irrelevant. She's too old for more children and what's done is done.

There are many degenerative diseases that come on in middle age where it’s very useful to know your genetic history. Huntington’s disease is literally caused by a genetic fault that can be tested for. But equally many illnesses may have a genetic element and there may be a family history of it - kidney disease, heart disease, neurological disease, diabetes, cancer etc. A doctor will ask you what diseases are in the family. If you don’t know who one of your parents are you don’t actually know.

Not sure about the right to know about your parents- what about a parent's right to keep quiet? Which one trumps the other?

Imo truth, honesty trumps falsity, misrepresentation, suppression ethically.

@TatianaBis But everyone is going to die from one of those on your list, unless they fall under the proverbial bus! Half of people get cancer (which may be terminal or not) and most of the rest die from CVD. A few die from more rare diseases.

There are millions of people whose parents die young and they have no idea of genetic history.

She only needs to know the 'actor's ' medical history, if any, as her father is still alive and she would know about his illnesses.

Truth at any cost? No, not in my opinion.

There are times when it's best to keep quiet and IMO her aunt ought to have respected her sister's wishes.

I still think telling the DB at this point isn't wise. Who's to say he won't go blabbing to his dad or, if OP is not his full sibling, try to stir up shit regarding the inheritance claiming that the divorce settlement money was originally his dad's so OP is not entitled to it? Farfetched I know but when money gets involved people do things one would never have expected of them.

Besides it's never a good idea to involve other people in situations that are based on pure speculation. Much better to wait until one has as many of the facts as possible. Right now OP has zero facts, none whatsoever.

Best thing to do as I mentioned before is to get counseling for yourself to get this all settled in your head and also see a solicitor as far as any legal ramifications in re inheritance, current dad's 'claims' (of which there should be none) and the rights of the putative dad (actor) to refuse testing and whether it can be 'forced'. Once you have those things all clear in your mind, only then would I start contacting either man for DNA testing and at that point consider telling my DB.

Hopefully your aunt can be trusted to keep her big mouth shut as far as telling anyone else what she thinks she 'knows'. If she felt 'duty bound' to tell you, she may feel 'duty bound' to tell your dad or your DB at some point if you haven't.

Again, this is all pure speculation based on the words of a dead woman. No one knows what the actual truth is.

But everyone is going to die from one of those on your list, unless they fall under the proverbial bus! Half of people get cancer (which may be terminal or not) and most of the rest die from CVD. A few die from more rare diseases.

Everyone is going to die at some point. But no you don’t have to die from diabetes, kidney disease, heart disease or even cancer. You can live a long life and die of something else.

Prompt treatment in many diseases is key and a parent with a disease raises a red flag early on.

You have no access to an actor’s private medical history if you’re not an immediate family member.

@TatianaBis

I am sure if the OP is in her 50s now the genes and medical stuff are almost irrelevant. She's too old for more children and what's done is done.

There are many degenerative diseases that come on in middle age where it’s very useful to know your genetic history. Huntington’s disease is literally caused by a genetic fault that can be tested for. But equally many illnesses may have a genetic element and there may be a family history of it - kidney disease, heart disease, neurological disease, diabetes, cancer etc. A doctor will ask you what diseases are in the family. If you don’t know who one of your parents are you don’t actually know.

Not sure about the right to know about your parents- what about a parent's right to keep quiet? Which one trumps the other?

Imo truth, honesty trumps falsity, misrepresentation, suppression ethically.

I'm adopted. I know nothing about my biological medical history other than what I have been diagnosed with, two 'minor' genetic conditions that are not fatal, just inconvenient. There are many of us adoptees (especially those like me who are older) who were placed via 'closed' adoptions in a time when genetics weren't as big a part in diagnosis and treatment as they are now. We still manage and TBH one can pursue genetic testing on one's own for potential inheritable conditions if one chooses to.

I don't disagree with OP pursuing this. I'm just saying that one can survive without complete genetic information or one can get it on their own.

I don't think anyone would have a legal leg to stand on regarding the money . The mum's financial settlement was agreed in the divorce (however generous is irrelevant), it was never the dad's money after that (and it was shitty that he later tried to get some of the children's inheritance), and OP is still her mum's daughter whatever.

You also need to be aware @TatianaBis that finding out about some genetic conditions can be very upsetting- because not all are inherited by the child- they can skip generations. AND having had genetic testing done for yourself, you are usually obliged to declare it on various insurances even if it may never affect your health.

@AcrossthePond55

Of course adopted children manage, and equally children who have one parent who is uncertain or absent.

But that is not to say that it’s not much more convenient to know what the lines of family illness are. It can lead to a potential case being taken more seriously and tackled more promptly at the outset.

@TatianaBis

But everyone is going to die from one of those on your list, unless they fall under the proverbial bus! Half of people get cancer (which may be terminal or not) and most of the rest die from CVD. A few die from more rare diseases.

Everyone is going to die at some point. But no you don’t have to die from diabetes, kidney disease, heart disease or even cancer. You can live a long life and die of something else.

Prompt treatment in many diseases is key and a parent with a disease raises a red flag early on.

You have no access to an actor’s private medical history if you’re not an immediate family member.

@TatinaBis Almost everyone reading this will have a parent who dies from cancer or heart disease. This is a fact. Look it up. Very few people die from other diseases.

If someone is worried about any of those diseases, they can make their mind up to live a healthy lifestyle as the vast majority are lifestyle related including 40% of all cancers.

They can also if they want to, pay for a myriad of private health tests to check their own health.

Yes of course prompt treatment is essential, but let's just assume any of us might get one of those diseases people die from , and decide to live a healthy lifestyle.

I know she can't access the actor's medical records (Doh!) but she has talked about contacting him to talk this paternity thing through.

@DuchessofDerbyshire

You also need to be aware *@TatianaBis* that finding out about some genetic conditions can be very upsetting- because not all are inherited by the child- they can skip generations. AND having had genetic testing done for yourself, you are usually obliged to declare it on various insurances even if it may never affect your health.

Orly? What a surprise. I needed to have that explained to me.

Well yes, you did, judging by your insistence that she should get all of this sorted.

Just like you felt you need to explain to me that she couldn't get the actor's medical history [from a dr.]

You seem completely hung up on the genetic side of the situation which is really missing the point.

timesofmalta.com/articles/view/Proud-legacy-of-a-dying-daughter-s-hunt-for-dad.592918
Donor conceived woman dies of bowel cancer just weeks after meeting her bio father. Who knows if knowing her medical history might have helped her?

Almost everyone reading this will have a parent who dies from cancer or heart disease. This is a fact. Look it up. Very few people die from other diseases.

The main causes of death in old people are heart disease, cerebrovascular disease, respiratory disease, and different cancers etc.

I wasn’t talking about what people die of in old age, I specifically referred to degenerative illness (or indeed cancer which is potentially terminal but not degenerative) that comes on in middle age.

People can die in old age of last illnesses - eg a stroke or dementia or cancer that did not onset in middle age.

Please do nothing and tell no one now except a counsellor. You need space and time to process this, work out what you want to do and consider all the possible outcomes.

TBH it’s highly unlikely that a public figure will respond to a letter asking him for a DNA test. If he didn’t want to know decades ago he’s unlikely to welcome you into his family now because you “ look like him “.

You risk further rejection from him and his extended family if you rush into contacting him without careful thought and advice from professionals. So please don’t do this.

I have been in a similar situation and I know how disorientating it is. So please take your time.

@DonorConceivedMe

timesofmalta.com/articles/view/Proud-legacy-of-a-dying-daughter-s-hunt-for-dad.592918 Donor conceived woman dies of bowel cancer just weeks after meeting her bio father. Who knows if knowing her medical history might have helped her?

But the point of the article is NOT about what she inherited from her bio father who was a sperm donor (he doesn't have cancer.)

This thread has become derailed about genes and risk of disease.

Knowing about that might be a bonus, but it's hardly the main point.

Ultimately, all of us take responsibility for our own health.

I know of people with cancer when there is none in their family history at all, and vice versa.

Most cancers and heart disease is due to lifestyle or a predisposition to it because of a genetic predominance.

So the best thing is for everyone to assume they might have a genetic risk and act accordingly if they have symptoms.

@DuchessofDerbyshire

Well yes, you did, judging by your insistence that she should get all of this sorted.

Just like you felt you need to explain to me that she couldn't get the actor's medical history [from a dr.]

You seem completely hung up on the genetic side of the situation which is really missing the point.

@DuchessofDerbyshire

You were the one who claimed she She only needs to know the 'actor's ' medical history as if that were something you could come by outside the family.

I, by contrast, never claimed that diagnosis of genetic illness is easy to deal with or live with.

Nor have I at any point said that the medical aspect of this is the most significant, it is not. (You’re the one who’s fixated on it). It’s not the fundamental issue, but it’s not to be dismissed.

The point of the article was that Narelle, before her death from cancer campaigned for the right of offspring of donors to be able access information about their biological heritage, which is now Narelle’s Law in the state of Victoria. Donors now have to reveal info about their heritage and genetic disorders.

So on the one hand you have a Dad who did the honourable thing when your Mum found out she was pregnant, ended up in an unhappy marriage which ended in a costly (to him) divorce. Harsh words were said and he was very shabby about inheritance, but ultimately he's now trying to make amends and improve relations between him and his children. You also have a brother who you're very close to who knows nothing of this news.

On the other hand we have a B list actor who happily let another man take the fall when he knew there was a chance he'd fathered her child. He remained in touch with your mum but never, even upon her death, reached out to introduce himself so he could finally meet the woman you'd grown into.

You talk about "you always wanted a sister", but how likely is it that B list actors' daughters will welcome you with open arms? Similar scenarios I know of have always ended with either outright rejection by the 'official' family or a formal cousin-type relationship that doesn't quite fill the gap.

Based on what you've said I'd leave sleeping dogs lie. I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship, however imperfect, with the man I've known as my father and my brother for this. And a PP was right- however close you and your brother are atm, news like this can decimate relationships, especially when you add money/inheritance into the mix.

@TatianaBis

The point of the article was that Narelle, before her death from cancer campaigned for the right of offspring of donors to be able access information about their biological heritage, which is now Narelle’s Law in the state of Victoria. Donors now have to reveal info about their heritage and genetic disorders.

I know.

I can read.

Just because I chose not to explain what the article was about doesn't mean I didn't understand it.

The person who posted it- if you read her post, referred to Narelle's bio father's medical history as being potentially helpful.

Please stop over-explaining and assuming posters don't understand just because their posts don't cover everything.

Just to be clear: I summarised the point of the article because you rather misrepresented it by that claiming that it was: “NOT about what Narelle had inherited from her bio father”.

But it was. It was wanting to know what she had inherited and not having access to that information that triggered her search for him and the campaign for new rights for donor children. In her case, her father’s medical history may not be directly relevant, although we don’t know what was in his wider family. However it may be relevant for other people.

I would think long & hard also, about telling DB. It may irredeemably change your relationship, particularly if you follow through with contacting any half B or S...

@AcrossthePond55
The OP can just get her own DNA done by 23 and Me or Ancestry and those results will throw up information that will point to one of the men concerned.
There is no need to involve her brother or his father.
If the OP is in the UK , I've read on here that Ancestry is better for the UK user- has a bigger base of UK users than the others.
DH was able to ascertain who his Dad was.
Though the nearest relative was a 4th cousin on Ancestry it confirmed the name he was given.
It was like a jigsaw puzzle as someone upthread said.
We're expecting more matches in the months to come when DNA tests given as Christmas presents yield their results.

@DuchessofDerbyshire My husband and I are very relieved that we now know his biological father's medical history. He has prostate cancer and so did his father (DH's biological grandfather) so now DH knows to get checked regularly (which he might well have skipped) and our two adult sons have that previously missing information, and can act on it as they choose in the future.

And regarding the Ancestry DNA testing, DH's closest match was one of his biological father's many cousins, but that particular person had a detailed enough family tree that I (over many months of geneological research and process of elimination, using others' family trees and deducing where various more distant DNA matches fitted in) worked out who his bio father had to be.

The medical profession are making such leaps and bounds in the area of genetics.

If you have the chance to discover your line through your actor father, health wise for future generations it would be only be good.

My family has a very rare genetic condition and in touch with the excellent genetic centres in England.
The health care and future treatment has only been possible due to knowledge progressing in this field.

Years to come I believe it will play a major part in diagnosing, treating and preventing many illneses.

It's a no brainer for me.
Contact him.