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Original poster

My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

211 replies

SensibleJaneAndrews · 02/01/2021 19:37

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2021 00:56

@LadyEloise

@AcrossthePond55 The OP can just get her own DNA done by 23 and Me or Ancestry and those results will throw up information that will point to one of the men concerned. There is no need to involve her brother or his father. If the OP is in the UK , I've read on here that Ancestry is better for the UK user- has a bigger base of UK users than the others. DH was able to ascertain who his Dad was. Though the nearest relative was a 4th cousin on Ancestry it confirmed the name he was given. It was like a jigsaw puzzle as someone upthread said. We're expecting more matches in the months to come when DNA tests given as Christmas presents yield their results.
I already suggested that in an earlier post as a way to determine which man was her dad.
DonorConceivedMe · 04/01/2021 08:44

“ I already suggested that in an earlier post as a way to determine which man was her dad.”

So did I, on page 2 of the thread 😬

LadyEloise · 04/01/2021 09:44

@AcrossthePond55
Blush
I was replying specifically to your comment

"...........only then would I start contacting either man for DNA testing...."

in relation to not having to contact them to do DNA testing at all, you could find out yourself.
I too posted earlier with Ancestry DNA suggestion.

Myyearmytime · 04/01/2021 10:56

Ancestry dna testing can with help can sort out who your father is .. dont do anything till you have done it .

soopedup · 04/01/2021 11:29

Don’t do anything until you’ve got scientific proof. I look more like Emma Thompson than my mother but it doesn’t mean I’m secretly adopted.
Even if you get proof I’d ask you to carefully consider what you do with that information. He could take you to court for the inheritance money back. Maybe you should just let sleeping dogs lie.

diddl · 04/01/2021 11:50

"He could take you to court for the inheritance money back."

Wouldn't he be better off suing the actor for the cost of bringing up his child?

category12 · 04/01/2021 12:08

How could he take her to court for the inheritance money?!

  • She inherited from her mum, who is definitely her mum.
  • Her mum was awarded money in the divorce and it was therefore hers to pass on to her dc. Whether she was faithful or not is irrelevant. You can't "renegotiate" a divorce settlement with the heirs, he didn't have a leg to stand on. Confused You can try to guilt your children into giving up their inheritance but it makes you a shitbag.
AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2021 12:58

Don’t people think that if the divorce was as bitter as the OP said in so much as that her mum was out for whatever she could get, she would have told the dad that his daughter wasn’t in fact his daughter?

And she never told the OP even when she was dying? But she told this aunt everything?

I’d be more inclined to think that the aunt was just stirring, and hoping that the OP would go public, maybe to the press even? Be paid for her story, etc etc and then it would transpire that it was all a load of bollocks.

The aunt sounds like a fantasist, and in no way should the OP approach anyone about this.

And people are far too hung up on genetics. I have a genetic condition I never knew about because none of my family ever developed the same symptoms I did. But the condition is there, and one of my parents will have given it to me. They’ve chosen not to know and I respect their choice, after all, it doesn’t make any difference to them so there’s no need for them to know, iyswim.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2021 20:17

@AlternativePerspective

Don’t people think that if the divorce was as bitter as the OP said in so much as that her mum was out for whatever she could get, she would have told the dad that his daughter wasn’t in fact his daughter?

And she never told the OP even when she was dying? But she told this aunt everything?

I’d be more inclined to think that the aunt was just stirring, and hoping that the OP would go public, maybe to the press even? Be paid for her story, etc etc and then it would transpire that it was all a load of bollocks.

The aunt sounds like a fantasist, and in no way should the OP approach anyone about this.

And people are far too hung up on genetics. I have a genetic condition I never knew about because none of my family ever developed the same symptoms I did. But the condition is there, and one of my parents will have given it to me. They’ve chosen not to know and I respect their choice, after all, it doesn’t make any difference to them so there’s no need for them to know, iyswim.

if the divorce was as bitter as the OP said in so much as that her mum was out for whatever she could get, she would have told the dad that his daughter wasn’t in fact his daughter?

If the OP was a minor at the time of the divorce, the mother would most likely have forfeited any right to child maintenance for her if she'd done that. If she was 'out for what she could get', then keeping schtum was to her advantage.

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