My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

[SensibleJaneAndrews]

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

I was listening to a podcast about a similar situation on Audible called The secrets in us. It's about a woman who knew her paternity could not be what she was told. There is a whole Facebook group about this because so many people are getting their DNA tested and then finding out more than they bargained for. I think the group is called not parent expected. Might be worth your joining to help you deal with the situation.

I found myself in a very similar situation OP. It is a shock and you will no doubt have a lot of questions.

Why do you think your Auntie told you? Do you think she knows the full facts and is telling you the truth?

Unfortunately a lot of families have secrets, when they come out it can cause a lot of pain.

Part of me always wondered why my dad treated me differently so when I found out by chance that my dad wasn’t my biological dad, it made sense. I just came as part of the package.

Good luck OP, wishing you all the best for the future and really sorry you found out this way.

Take your time and don't tell anyone in family until you have thought through the implications - you can't control their reactions or feelings so you have to be ready to deal with any fall out. Your brother might be an ally but don't rush it. DNA tests are irrelevant if you look like this man and your bro looks like your dad. I think you will tell your dad, and that's fine, but don't let him use it as a stick to beat you with.

I think for my auntie it was relieving her conscience, she is a bit unregulated like that. To be fair it was a huge thing for her to carry all these years. I do think it would be unfair for dad to be angry with me or want money, but my mum isn’t here to be angry with and he might well shoot the messenger, at least at first.
Re my birth relatives, I don’t feel much about the man who abandoned my mum, but I have two half sisters and a half brother. I’ve never had a sister. I found them on Facebook and feel like there is a whole set of family relationships I could be missing.

Probably best to give it some time before making any decisions. Maybe discuss with your DH and your Auntie as you seem to have a good relationship with her. Possibly seek advice from a counsellor. There are so many implications for you and your extended family biological and non-biological.

It might be difficult to avoid unwanted press interest if your biological father is a celeb and he hasn’t shown any interest in the relationship so far. If you are going to tell your father you will need to prepare others for the fallout.

Something similar happened with the current Archbishop of Canterbury. His statement here
www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/news/latest-news/news-archive-2016/archbishop-justin-welbys-statement-his-father

There is a link to his mother’s statement at the end. Lots of press articles if you google it.

So you are not alone and it must be shattering but try to stay calm and not do anything in the heat of the moment.

"Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited"

Did your auntie tell you in order to make you turn against your father even more?

Do you feel she has done you a kindness? A favour? Is it a relief to know? Do you think your Mum would have been OK about it?

Talking to a counsellor seems like a good support, OP.

My dad (the man I have always called dad!) is on my birth certificate.
There is so much to think through. I wonder if I could keep this from him, to avoid hurting him.

Not a word.

"Act in haste, repent at leisure".

You owe NO ONE this information.

You are under zero obligation to pass this information on.

You need to sit on it and absorb it.

Get legal advice FIRST.

If you have to repay this money, how will you do that.
Your mother's husband is capable of asking for it back so you need to be prepared.

Then look at some counselling to safely tease out your emotions.

Your genetic father is a bit of a shit so goodness knows what will happen there.

Protect and prepare yourself from coming out the wrong side of this.

This is not your mess.

Could you confide in your brother and ask him to do a dna test? It would show if you were half siblings or full siblings. A big ask from your brother though.

I know of a very similar situation only the non birth dad actually knows but they haven’t yet told their DD. She’s around 17 now though so it’s going to be very difficult to walk it back.

Your situation sounds difficult OP. 💐

Honestly, I’d say nothing. Who would gain anything by knowing, and who would be very, very hurt?

Do nothing. Nothing at all, for at least a couple of months.

Let things sink in and turn over in your mind.

Once you do and say things - there's no going back.
But there's no rush, so wait, wait, wait and allow yourself time for it all to sink in.

I’m donor conceived and I found out by accident.

I have several half siblings and at least three of them found out as adults and some of them clearly don’t know yet. We are linked via ancestry.co.uk DNA testing.

As far as I know you are legally the child of your mothers husband. Nothing changes because of this revelation, legally at least.

Be aware that if you make contact with your potential bio dad, he may not reply positively, or at all.

I discovered my bio dad via DNA testing, I did the test and then worked out who he was via mutual relatives. I wrote to him and he never responded. I was also rejected by his daughter (my half sister). So please do think about the possibility of rejection and how you’d feel.

Take your time but realise that you can probably find out the truth without saying anything to “Dad”. I’d be inclined to say nothing and consider doing a DNA test yourself via Ancestry and see what that shows up.

I wouldn’t do anything for now, especially because you’re not close with your dad and you don’t know your bio father at all. It’s a big secret to keep but it’s also not yours to tell. Your mum had a long time to tell him if she wanted to, and maybe she did or maybe she didn’t. Whatever happened between them is not your issue.

DNA would be the way to find out for sure. But you don’t have to. I would think carefully about what this would actually bring to your life, if you knew. And also re: your potential half siblings, this is possibly going to cause upset for a lot of people. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t, but you should first take your time to process the information and understand how you feel.

How on earth could your aunt know who your real dad is? It’s complete hearsay until scientific evidence proves either way.
Don’t take her word for it. The only way to know for sure is through DNA testing, as others have said

I wouldn't tell your brother. If you really want to know then I would approach your biological father or siblings try to establish facts that way.

OK. Get legal advice and reassurance regarding your inheritance before you rock the boat.

If you and your dad both join Ancestry or one of the dna testing sites, you'll know in a short time whether you are dna related or not. My test came back 'XY is your father'. I told my dad, he came to the computer to check for himself - I was in my sixties and had never known there was any doubt. He hadn't thought he was my dad, but hadn't mentioned it. However, he was cold and aloof throughout my life, possibly as a result of his doubts.

I hope your inheritance isn't affected but your dad sounds keen to access it, so he might put up a fight if he finds out you aren't his.

I shouldn't imagine he can get the money back now as it was dispersed from your mothers estate he would have to prove you were complicit in a crime you had no knowledge of and no real proof your mom knew either but still get some legal advice

I think a DNA test before saying anything l, just incase your auntie is wrong. Not sure how easy that would be though. Could you test you and your brother then you'd know you definitely had a different dad.

There's a chance your biological father already knows you are his and had not wanted you in his life.

I worry for you that you could feel quite rejected if it turns out he is not interested.

Your dad could also be hurt and it take a long time to recover from. Or he already knows.

Don't do anything for now. This is not a film. It might not have a happy ending.

Hi
I'm adoptive mum, my son is 16 and has difficult decisions ahead about finding birth family. Before adopted young people are given their files, they have to speak to a counsellor
And that's what I suggest you do. Take a step back, you've had a huge piece of information dropped on you.
Before you speak to your dad, work out what you want to do, what you want to happen,what you hope to gain from contacting the other man, what you could lose.
Try not to think too harshly of your mum, it sounds like she was trying to make the best decision for you, so that you could have a good life . By being rushed into a marriage, she will have a lot. There are many reasons for her not telling you, she could feel ashamed, she may have been trying to protect you if the other man wasnt interested in you.
There is a good chance that your dad does know.
But there is no rush, its waited this long,a few more weeks or months won't hurt. Take your time.

This is all good advice. I will wait to process this further - I hadn’t really realised until a PP pointed it out that it’s only been 24 hours! I need to think though the options and possible consequences. I think I will tell my brother, he is a sensible person and knows how my dad can be; I’m sure it won’t change anything between the two of us. But beyond that I will take some time to reflect. Thank you all for your advice and support.

Say nothing. Do nothing. And don't tell anyone else other than a counsellor - for now at least.

Your aunt has done you no favours. She's cleared her conscience at your expense, and possibly your fathers. This has been a terrible shock to you, OP, but think about it. It would be even worse for your father. You might gain a fmaily. he loses a member of his, and he can't even talk to your mother about it. He'll have even more unanswered questions.

You don't know for certain that this is true. Don't even tell your brother, because you won't be able to count on him keeping it quiet (and you're giving him a burden).

Talk to a counsellor. Give it at least a few months, even longer maybe. You need some calm and rational advice and think through all the possible repercussions before you do anything at all.

I'm really angry with your aunt, to be honest. I don't know why people feel compelled to do this. There is no good that can come of it, and much that's bad.

@SensibleJaneAndrews

This is all good advice. I will wait to process this further - I hadn’t really realised until a PP pointed it out that it’s only been 24 hours! I need to think though the options and possible consequences. I think I will tell my brother, he is a sensible person and knows how my dad can be; I’m sure it won’t change anything between the two of us. But beyond that I will take some time to reflect. Thank you all for your advice and support.

Again, please don't tell your brother. You're burdening him, and you'll be losing control of what you do with the information. He might well tell others, or even your dad.

The first step is to put a letter together to this b list actor and either rule him in or out!