My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

[SensibleJaneAndrews]

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

FWIW I think my auntie’s intentions were good, she thought I should know the truth and be able to make choices. She can do things in a rash way without thinking it through though, and that’s what I want to avoid right now.

I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation but I agree you need to press pause, let it sink and then decide what to do.

I would say however that I wouldn’t even believe your aunt until I had some DNA results to prove you and your brother are definitively not brothers.

Ps. You don’t need to do anything with the information. Doing nothing is also ok

@SensibleJaneAndrews

I know Tenyearsgone, but he’s also a man who made it clear my mum was on her own when she fell pregnant. I’m not impressed by him.

So sorry you’ve had this news OP. You’ve a lot to get your head around.

With regards to the above, bear in mind you are only hearing things second hand from your aunt, that was told to her by your mother, who had good reason to want this man kept away from her/you. What you have been told might not be the truth.

@SensibleJaneAndrews

Thank you all for clear thinking advice. You’re right, DNA is the first step - my birth father owes me that much. And I hadn’t considered legal advice about my inheritance from mum but it’s a good point. Practical steps and counselling are the steps to take for now.

From reading your original post it seems that your inheritance was from your mother so I doubt he could contest it, you did nothing underhand, any dispute he might have had would have been with your mother and he can't sue her now.

I would sit on everything for a few weeks at least. Mainly because:

1. This is a shock
2. Looking like someone off the telly does not necessarily mean you’re related to them. My brother is the spitting image of Ralf Little but that doesn’t mean they’re related.
3. You don’t know what you want the outcome to be. You need to think through that very carefully before you make any moves.

You might want to seek counselling to help you decide how to proceed, and remember that deciding not to proceed is still a decision.

I think this is very sad but your Mum could never be sure who your father was if she was sleeping with two men. Your father and you need a DNA test.

Well it's all very strange, isn't it?

That someone who your Aunt thinks isn't your father could be forced into marrying your Mum, yet the one who she thinks is your father couldn't.

Why do you feel so strongly your biological father needs to know or has a right to know about you?

Also, the man who thought he was your father doesn't sound like he would take it well and might well sue for money being returned. I'm not sure how your inheritance would fit in as your mother left it to you and they were divorced so that might not be an issue.

I often wonder how many people are being brought up by not their biological father and that leads on to how many people don't know that X in the next road is their sibling, etc.

All that being said I think everyone in this situation should know the truth but you need expert help to tell them.

Your auntie really believing it is neither here nor there. It’s at best 50:50.
I would be really cautious before investing in ideas of new brothers and sisters as it may turn out to be nonsense.

In terms of family harmony and peace it would probably be better if you didn’t tell your dad. However, I’d want to know for sure either way in the long run. So I think I’d have to ask him for a dna test.

Is it Nigel Havers? (Sorry)

Write it all down somewhere, OP.

Keep a diary and one day it will keep you..

@diddl

Well it's all very strange, isn't it?

That someone who your Aunt thinks isn't your father could be forced into marrying your Mum, yet the one who she thinks is your father couldn't.

Exactly my thoughts and not very nice for him either. He will be absolutely devastated that his life was built on lies.

I think it is likely your dad knew but has buried it. Anyway marrying your mother legitimised you, he could hardly reject you now after having accepted you for years and from what you say, he loves you. I see no point in stirring anything up though in your place i might want to get to know my biological parent a bit. It's up to you.

Seconding all the posters who say

You don't have to tell anyone.anything.ever.

It may be a bit of a shock because, like a lot of people, you've probably lived a life where the only thing you've had to keep schtum about was that your best mate's bum DID look big in that skirt. You could be open about pretty much anything.
It's actually pretty easy to
Just.Not.Tell.People.
Your DH knows and I expect you'll want to vent to someone else in RL but I'd say be very careful about that because other people's secrets are not as precious to us as our own, and once it's out, it's out. Maybe stick with him for now.

Looking at it from another point of view - now is a good time to think about your Dad's upbringing, family, and try to understand who he is as a person and how he got that way. And how you feel about him. What I'm getting at is, get the relationship with your Dad to stabilize first.

He may or may not guess, or know, the score, he may (if so) hope you never find out because for all his faults he may still want to be "your Dad" in your mind.
What course of action would be best for the relationship the two of you have? It's possible it may be kinder never to let on to him that you know, though that could be difficult if you end up having a relationship with your bioDad's family (assuming your auntie was correct). A lot of discretion from multiple people would be required.

Conversely if you have a good think about it and end up feeling that you don't respect or like each other as people and he's just not a good man then ... It boils down more to you and your brother (though the same process would apply and be more important as he'll still be around when your Dad isn't).

Hmmm, it’s tricky. If he is your real dad there is every possibility he would totally reject you and the siblings dislike you anyway (no offence), my sisters real dad brought her into his life when he got cancer only to kick her out again when his younger daughter got jealous and made him stop seeing her. I would try and keep it from your dad dad and quietly investigate. Totally up to you tho! Good luck. Kinda wanna know what actor it is lol.

Your brother may be your half brother in blood but he was raised as your full brother. The other half siblings are still strangers they aren’t your family. The dad that raised you is and the brother you grew up with is. I understand you wanting some answers and it may help you but be careful of what you may lose too . Hopefully you will manage to get the answers you’re looking for and get a happy ending! My experience is often the past is best left in the past?! Good luck 💐

You keep saying your birth family but you don't know that your dad isn't your biological dad, and until you have proof there is absolutely no point in telling anyone else.

If you tell your brother then his DNA will be enough if you want to get tests done. It's a lot for him to keep secret from his dad, though.

A number of posts are saying it might not be true and inferring it's the Aunt making it up....why would she?

You have to be a really cruel person to say this out of malice or without a genuine belief... which she would have got from the OPs DM.

It must be a really difficult position to be in....take your time.

@SandyY2K I wasn’t suggesting the aunt was making it up. I was suggesting the aunt perhaps wasn’t told the truth in the first place.

I know you've been defending her but I have to say, I think your aunti has behaved appallingly. If she really felt it was necessary, for whatever reason, to divulge this information, then she should have divulged it to everyone, including your father. Or shut up about it. Instead, she's put you in this intolerable situation with this impossible burden that you aren't responsible for, didn't ask for and don't deserve.

If I were in your situation I would simply tell your father that your auntie has told you this information, without any input from you about whether you believe it's true or not, and see what he wants to do. But that's because I (a) don't deal well with keeping secrets and not being able to communicate openly with people, and (b) am very wary of other people expecting me to carry the burden for their own actions, and tend to react by giving it straight back to them. YMMV.

But FWIW- it never ceases to amaze me this cruel some people can be within families so of course OP should confirm whether this is true before devastating her father.

I think your aunt has been somewhat selfish. She couldn't/didn't want to take the secret to her grave, so she's told you to ease her conscience. But it's put you in a difficult position.

I'd turn this round. If your aunt felt the need to tell you, and it's hurt you, why do you feel the need to tell him? It will hurt him, he can never forget, and yes he may live much longer - or he might not.

Say nothing for now, and for some time. Let it sink in for you, which won't happen quickly, your head is whirling. Then when you have had more time, think about why you feel he should know. Look at your motives for telling him.

I'm not saying you shouldn't, although I realise that might be how it comes across. I'm saying don't do it unless or until all the ramifications have sunk in and you're sure it's the right thing to do.

Counselling is an excellent idea. You can express all your conflicting thoughts without being judged, even if it is something you feel you could never say in real life. You can to a counsellor. And in situations like this, it really does help to hear your thoughts spoken out loud.

Have you confirmed with your mother that she was having a relationship with the actor and the dates fit?

Incidently, when my eldest son was a toddler, he was the spitting image of Prince William as a child. No relation at all.you can look like someone without being related to them.

💐