My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

[SensibleJaneAndrews]

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

Your dad is your dad
Your birth father is the sperm donator

Please remember that you are only hearing you aunts side of what she knew of the story, it may not be true your biological father wanted nothing to do with you. It’s early days for you knowing this information to take time to think through all possible angles and be open minded.

I'd access some counselling straight after a dna test. You need to explore your genetic father might not want to know you.

Please don't tell your brother.

You are burdening him as the son of the man you thought was your genetic father, it may ake him feel like he should tell him.

Your brother does not deserve this burden.

Your aunt is some piece of work.

Unforgivable to unburden herself like that, randomly.

Shockingly selfish.

OP, please keep your own counsel until you can speak to someone in complete confidence.

From the other side, I found out a few years ago that I have an older half sister. It almost destroyed me, and while she's a perfectly nice woman, I don't regard her as 'family'.
Please be prepared that if you do contact half siblings they may not welcome the contact at all, which could be quite upsetting for you.

I think you should ask yourself why you should tell him instead.

Telling someone something like this can be quite destructive. For both of you. If he is as difficult as you say, and likely to shoot the messenger, you take the risk of loosing your dad. And to never meet your bio father and that side of your family. It’s not always ‘they met and were happy forever after’.

Please take your time. Have counselling and read more around meeting up with bio family as well as the potential effect on the family you have.
How will your dbro react for example? What about the rest of your family?
Then and only then decide what is best FOR YOU rather than what you ought to do.

I agree with the very wise poster who said to do nothing until you have properly processed this revelation.

My gut instinct would be to advise you not to tell your Dad. Hopefully it will make you view him through a more forgiving lens (ie, maybe he knew but held back on saying anything?)

Continue to build bridges with him.

I would do a dna 123 test and see if any relatives reach out to YOU.

@notapizzaeater

I'd access some counselling straight after a dna test. You need to explore your genetic father might not want to know you.

Especially if he's an actor in the public eye. You'd be better off doing a test and perhaps if some of his siblings or nieces, nephews or children have done the test then when you make contact, it will have paved the way a bit.

@WeeDangerousSpike

From the other side, I found out a few years ago that I have an older half sister. It almost destroyed me, and while she's a perfectly nice woman, I don't regard her as 'family'. Please be prepared that if you do contact half siblings they may not welcome the contact at all, which could be quite upsetting for you.

That seems an extreme reaction? What it before your parents got together? How come it destroyed you? sorry if my questions seem direct, I am thinking how much I would love it if an older half sister showed up in my life.

I think you need to slow down. You don't 'know' anything for sure, you just have some (possibly well-founded) suspicions.

You can always do one of those DNA tests like Ancestry, 23+me, etc to find out YOUR ancestry profile. Then compare it to what you know about your (current) dad's family. Obvs if he and (possible) dad are of the the same general heritage this won't help much, I guess.

But I think you need to see a counselor to work this through on your own before you go raising issues with the two men involved. You're going to want to prepare yourself for different outcomes, too. Either man may reject you, accept you, or any number of reactions in-between. You want to be prepared to accept any of those and move forward with your life.

See a solicitor about ramifications with your (current) dad. Where I live a man who discovers he's not a child's father has legal recourse against the child's mother, but not the child him/herself. The child is considered not at fault because they were not actively involved in the deception. Law in the UK may be different and how that works when the mother is deceased and her estate probated and settled is another thing you're going to want to know, especially since your (current) dad tried to make 'claims' on you when she died.

As far as DNA from the possible dad, do you know how many times a celebrity (even a 'B' one) gets claims that they fathered this or that child? If you do contact him you'll probably end up getting a letter from his solicitor with an invitation to pursue legal action, even if your mum did keep up with him about you. I guess I'm saying just don't get your hopes up that things would be settled with him easily and simply.

Easy to say I know, but I really feel that my dad would always be my dad no matter what. It's not the DNA that counts. I like to think I wouldn't do anything in this situation.
You already know who you are don't you?

Your mother was legally married to your 'father' and, even if she fleeced him during the divorce, her money was hers to leave as she saw fit.
Your aunt would have been better minding her own business.
What is the point now of stirring things up further? (And would you be quite so interested in your birth father if he weren't B-list famous? He might well refuse any demand for a DNA test.)

You've mentioned a few times that if this person really is your father, then you have half sisters and brothers...

My DW and BIL discovered a few years ago that they had a half brother, and were asked if they wanted to make contact. Both decided they weren't interested, and never did. Both felt they had nothing in common with him and felt no connection to him.

I have often wondered if that man was upset by that decision.

My point is that if you were hoping to gain a new family, you might be massively disappointed.

I wouldn’t say anything. Why make your life harder for something that wasn’t your fault.

I think a back up option for you, if your bio father doesn’t return your contact and you just want an answer, is to get a DNA test with your brother. That should be able to tell you if you are half or full siblings.

I wouldn’t tell your dad until you know for sure. It sounds like your mum didn’t really know for sure and is only based on looks which might not be accurate.

If your mum was sleeping with both men, either could be your dad!

How could your Aunt know either way?

Do you think that your Dad might have suspected, hence his affairs?

Let sleeping dogs lie. Avoid the drama.

If you do an Ancestry DNA test there is a fair chance you will likely be able to work out who your Father is, even if he hasn't tested.

If your brother would do one as well it would show whether you are half or full siblings.

Everything @billy1966 said

If you and your brother do an Ancestry DNA test it will tell you if you are full or half siblings.

Please don't tell your brother, not at this stage. You'll be putting him in an impossible situation. If you need to tell someone (which is very understandable) it should be a friend or someone with no connection to your family at all.

I think only OP would know if the aunt is a nasty piece of work or she thought that OP deserved to know where she came from.

It could be either. I’m not sure I would be able to keep such news from my niece if I were her and it were true. Equally I wouldn’t say it was a definite thing but something I would help her find out.

@danu2021

Yes, to be fair it was an extreme reaction. However I was 38 wks pregnant at the time and already signed off with stress.
I think it was a combination of finding out both parents had known and neither had ever said anything. Realising the parent of half sister had chosen never to have contact or support, and my other parent had agreed to this. Made me really question their morals. Also discovering my soon to be born baby was not going to be the first grandchild / great grandchild, I'm not the oldest, not the only daughter, all sorts of things I 'knew' about myself suddenly weren't true. I sort of came... untethered. I don't know how else to describe it.
Add to that the parent who had the older child was bouncing off the walls with delight that everything was 'OK now' and was completely unwilling to accept maybe it wasn't fabulous news to be hit with completely out of the blue. I recall sobbing to them that I was struggling and couldn't talk to them as they were treating it as 'the best thing ever' their response? 'It is!' Made it very difficult to process.

It is such a personal decision, I'm not sure other people's opinions are helpful. My parents were the people who brought me up, I would never be interested in anyone else but other people feel differently.

My SIL was adopted, she was desperate to meet her birth mother, She eventually found her and regretted it. She didn't like her, didn't want any contact but her birth mother had never had more children, she was old and sad and desperately wanted a relationship. My brother was nicer to her than her daughter was.

I think counselling is a good idea to help you think it through. I don't think the inheritance is relevant, your mother got divorced and got a settlement, it was her money but proper legal advice would be useful.

Thank you everyone, it’s hard to think properly at the moment, and you (and my DH) are helping me to untangle my emotions. I will look into getting counselling as a first priority I think, and consider options. I’m pretty sure that it is true, or at least that my mum and auntie strongly believe it. What I do with the information is a big problem, and I need to take time before doing anything irreversible.