My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

[SensibleJaneAndrews]

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

I'd be hesitant to confide in your brother at this point, he could make things difficult for you or cut you out if any big decisions were to be made for your dad (that raised you) or if he suddenly died or became ill.

Your Auntie said there was a chance your Dad wasn't your Dad, and your mum knew this too.
You need to do a DNA test and see whether your matches coincide with the actor or your Dad, otherwise you'll never know.

The person that brought you up is your Dad. He may not be your biological parent but he stood by your Mum when her actor did not. I would not tell your brother or your Dad as they may start treating you differently. Your Dad might become resentful of you. Try to build up and appreciate the relationship you have with your Dad and brother now your Mum is gone. I would leave biological parent well alone at least until after your Dad dies. If you tell your brother you are only his half sister height not feel as close to you again. In any case your biological parent may reject you. In your place I would be furious with your Aunt for telling you and putting you in this uncomfortable position. She sounds a meddler. As soon as your Mum died she betrayed her trust.

Op I’ve been in a similar situation myself.
My dad is not my bio father.. the difference is he knows. He came into my life when I was around 2 and adopted me.

I found out when I was 14. My mother blurted it out when she was drunk (she was an alcoholic) apart from the initial telling me, I’ve never felt like I’ve been able to ask her questions. She died 6 months ago.

I managed to find some details off my nan and found out who my bio dad was. I wrote to him but never got a response. I don’t regret writing because I’d always been wondering “what if”.

Some people will say that the person who brought you up will always be your dad. And that’s true. My dad is the most amazing man and he will be the only father Ill ever have. I’m not treated any differently from my siblings. But there’s always been this curiosity and desire to find out more about him. His mother lives a 10 minute walk from me. I’d love to try speaking to her but I realise that she’s probably in her late 80s and I don’t want to cause her any distress.

I did an ancestry DNA test a couple of years ago. While I’ve not had any answers from it, I have a few close matches and one of my ‘half’ siblings has agreed to do one too so I can separate my maternal and paternal matches to try and help me narrow it down.

My advice would be to allow yourself sometime to absorb the info. If you want to make contact then do it, but be prepared for the rejection. An ancestry test may help you get some answers and if you can get your brother to do one too then you’ll both come up as a half sibling match so at least you know that your aunt is correct in what she told you.

Hope you’re ok xxx

@TatianaBis

Everyone has a right to know the truth about themselves and their lives. No-one has the right to play God and intentionally suppress that information.

Not so sure about this @TatianaBis as a purely ethical question.

Playing devil's advocate, one could argue that everyone has a right to keep their secrets and only reveal what they choose.

Also, many of us don't believe in a God of any kind, so the idea that there is someone 'up there' controlling lives doesn't wash.

Before anything, do a ancestry DNA test or 23andMe test. This should help you discover if you have any relatives that link to your dad's side of the family and thus prove/disprove your relationship. It is a great services for matching to relatives and doing genealogy. Likely be helpful in yoyr situation without rocking boat too muvn whilst you process all this new info.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

If it's so obvious in photos, it is highly likely your father knows already and also that he knows your mother kept in touch with her ex.

He would have to be burying his head in the sand, IMO, not to know.

It's not your place to tell your father- that was between him and your mother.

You can find out for yourself who your bio father is, but you shouldn't risk upsetting your father if he doesn't know at this point of his life.

What good would it do?

Yes, i think it would be like pushing his head in a plate of shit "you were a mugg, you were a mugg".

He probably knows on one level and it is up to him to face it, or not.

Agree with pp not to rush anything, and definitely don't leap to share the information. You know how you've been thrown for a loop by your aunt passing on the information... telling your brother or dad who raised you will just further the chaos.

If you need to talk it through with someone IRL pick someone who isn't part of your family - a friend or partner? And someone who knows how to keep their lips sealed too!

I think ultimately what you have to do with this information is - nothing. I don't believe any good can come of airing it out. But I quite understand how it's shaken you up and how you want to talk about it - deciding to keep it secret is a conclusion you have to come to yourself.

@SensibleJaneAndrews

Do you think I could keep this from him though? That’s what I keep coming back to. My dad is only in his seventies, he could live for decades, and I would be keeping this massive secret. It feels impossible.

To be fair, this is how your auntie must have felt. She is your mums sister I'm guessing? Do you think there is a small possibility that he knows already? Hence the animosity towards you? You don't know what goes between husband and wife. He may be protecting you

I do not think you should have been burdened with this after all this time. Your own mother could have told you, but chose not to - presumably she had her reasons. I think your aunt was out of order.

But the cat is now out of the bag and time cannot be reversed.

I do not think you need to tell your father. It sounds as though he was somewhat flawed, judging by the fact that you all sided with your Mum when the divorce happened, and that he tried to interfere with your inheritance from your mother - and he was an unfaithful philanderer. I am not sure you owe him anything really. So you can put him out of the equation and choose the route that YOU want. Do you want to meet your birth father and half-relatives? If you do just set that in train for yourself.

But I agree about the counselling - best to try and go into this search with a clear head.

SensibleJaneAndrew Do you think I could keep this from him though? That’s what I keep coming back to. My dad is only in his seventies, he could live for decades, and I would be keeping this massive secret. It feels impossible

The life expectancy for men in their 70s now, is around 81.

I don't mean to be unkind, but the reality is your dad may have anything from 5-10 years of life unless there is a lot of longevity on his side of the family.

Try perhaps to contact who you think is your birth father.
He may know whether your 'father' knows already.

I'd also advise caution on your aunt's disclosure. You don't know what her agenda is. Sometimes, as well, relatives 'see' similarities in photos that no one else can, simply because they want to.
The mind is very powerful in that respect.

You could pursue a DNA match- any chance you could get something of your father's - hair, toothbrush - to run through a DNA match?

@Michance Maybe he was a philanderer because he knew- too late?- he'd been duped into a marriage and his wife was pregnant by another man, but he didn't want to walk away from the OP when she was a child?

His affairs could well have been a pay-back for the lie he was forced to live with.

@SensibleJaneAndrews

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

I totally get your predicament but honestly I think it's better to let sleeping dogs lie, unless you genuinely want to build a relationship with your bio dad but that's not guaranteed he'll reciprocate. I've always known my dad isn't my dad, I was 4 when he came around but my mum had a partner before him, I was 1/2 and I knew he wasn't my dad either. But my dad (step dad) is my father so I've come to the decision to not contact my bio dad, I believe he knows I exist and hasn't bothered to contact me.

I think you should do a DNA test with Ancestry / 23 and me or the like.
This will give you some idea if what your aunt has told you is true.
Get counselling.
Don't tell anyone else.
As so many other posters have said DO NOT TELL YOUR BROTHER yet. You don't know how he would react. Where his loyalty would lie.
The ancestry test should give you enough information re your paternal line.
I don't blame your aunt for telling you what she had been told. She felt it was your right to know. With her sister's death she may have felt that if she died too, you would never know.
But it may not be the truth.
The science will verify it one way or the other.
DH is adopted and AncestryDNA has verified information given to him.
We're not in the UK so it's not as straightforward as in UK to get information.
Some half siblings were interested to meet , others not. None of them ever knew.

@LadyEloise

I think you should do a DNA test with Ancestry / 23 and me or the like. This will give you some idea if what your aunt has told you is true. Get counselling. Don't tell anyone else. As so many other posters have said DO NOT TELL YOUR BROTHER yet. You don't know how he would react. Where his loyalty would lie. The ancestry test should give you enough information re your paternal line. I don't blame your aunt for telling you what she had been told. She felt it was your right to know. With her sister's death she may have felt that if she died too, you would never know. But it may not be the truth. The science will verify it one way or the other. DH is adopted and AncestryDNA has verified information given to him. We're not in the UK so it's not as straightforward as in UK to get information. Some half siblings were interested to meet , others not. None of them ever knew.

But to get a DNA test, doesn't she need DNA from either her bio father or the man who has raised her as her father? She can't just submit her own DNA- it needs to be matched , doesn't it?

You say your dad had affairs. How would you feel about a 40 year old woman who contacted you and said she is your half-sister?
I think counselling is the way to go. I definitely wouldn't tell your brother until you've had time to process this information and reach a clear-headed decision.
Maybe contact your alleged biological father to see if he would agree to meet and tell you what he knows, if anything.

I think your aunt did the right thing . You deserve to know who your biological parents are. My mum told me when I was 14 that my “dad” was not my biological father. I asked because I looked nothing like him and I am very dark with brown eyes whereas they both had blue eyes. My mum did not say who my father was really and I didn’t want to upset her. After her death I asked my aunts and uncles but nobody knew who he was. DNA testing has now shown he was from South Asia but I have not located any close relatives. I so wish I had known sooner and could have asked questions. I know my mum did it for the best of reasons and to give me security and respectability ( it was the late 1950s) and I don’t love her any less. Sit on it for a bit and maybe speak to a professional. Definitely get a DNA test to be sure. If you go through Ancestry your biological father or siblings may already be on their database. Good luck.

Playing devil's advocate, one could argue that everyone has a right to keep their secrets and only reveal what they choose.

That’s fairly dodgy even if it was your own secret to keep, which in the case of this poster and indeed the OP’s aunt it was not.

Also, many of us don't believe in a God of any kind, so the idea that there is someone 'up there' controlling lives doesn't wash.

The phrase ‘playing God’ has nothing whatsoever to do with belief in God. It means putting yourself in the driving seat and making important decisions that have a major impact on people’s lives (doctors are often accused of playing God).

But to get a DNA test, doesn't she need DNA from either her bio father or the man who has raised her as her father? She can't just submit her own DNA- it needs to be matched , doesn't it?

She can do it with just her own. Others that have tested will determine how easy it is to work out, the closer the matches the easier it is.

As an example, I looked at someone’s results that had 310 close matches (not a high number compared to many, close matches are 4th cousin or closer) and was able to determine parentage from those, the closest match was a second cousin.

@TatianaBis

Playing devil's advocate, one could argue that everyone has a right to keep their secrets and only reveal what they choose.

That’s fairly dodgy even if it was your own secret to keep, which in the case of this poster and indeed the OP’s aunt it was not.

Also, many of us don't believe in a God of any kind, so the idea that there is someone 'up there' controlling lives doesn't wash.

The phrase ‘playing God’ has nothing whatsoever to do with belief in God. It means putting yourself in the driving seat and making important decisions that have a major impact on people’s lives (doctors are often accused of playing God).

The aunt is speculating. I doubt she is 100% sure. She's the one to blame for all of this.

I also bet that her sister (OPs' Mum) made her promise never to reveal this. And she has.

And what exactly was her agenda? She clearly doesn't like the OP's father.

Her father may have had affairs, but he was also duped (assume) into marrying someone carrying another man's child.
And that woman 'took him to the cleaners' when they divorced. (Not sure how that happened if lawyers were involved.)

So when he tried to re-address the balance financially, this aunt stepped in again and somehow managed to prevent him getting any more money.

The aunt sounds meddling and not a nice person.

That's why I'd be cautious about what she claims.

@Omeara

But to get a DNA test, doesn't she need DNA from either her bio father or the man who has raised her as her father? She can't just submit her own DNA- it needs to be matched , doesn't it?

She can do it with just her own. Others that have tested will determine how easy it is to work out, the closer the matches the easier it is.

As an example, I looked at someone’s results that had 310 close matches (not a high number compared to many, close matches are 4th cousin or closer) and was able to determine parentage from those, the closest match was a second cousin.

I don't understand how anyone can get a match with their bio parent unless that parent has submitted DNA.

Not that many people have their DNA checked.

I've had mine done through Living DNA which is different and it looked right back to my ancestry in the past, but not for the reasons you said.

Could you dad have already known? But was protecting you...?

I'm wondering if your mum didn't want to tell you so that they could keep up a charade.

OP
It sounds like money was a factor in alot of decisions that then backfired. Don't let money/ worry about losing inheritance cloud you judgement.

@DuchessofDerbyshire

I know the aunt is speculating, I warned the OP of that myself. The post of mine you responded to was actually a response to another poster in a different situation.

The mother in this case was equally press-ganged into marrying, so it’s much of a muchness.

I strongly suspect that ‘took him to the cleaners’ was simply the father’s take on it as some men don’t like parting with money in a divorce settlement full stop. The fact he went after their inheritance as well suggests he’s quite money-motivated and not very nice. If the divorce was worked in a court it will have been a fair settlement.

@DuchessofDerbyshire
If the OP submits her DNA to Ancestry or the like, it will bring up "matches" who are related to her. She can figure out then if her bio father is her father or the actor.
DH's closest match to his father is a 4th cousin. Not as close as he'd like to get but it shows a link and that's what he needed.