Page 5 | My dad isn’t my dad - what on earth do I do?

MoreLikeThis · 02/01/2021 22:13

“What I do with the information is a big problem”

I disagree. You don’t need to ‘do’ anything. Whoever fathered you did so over 50 years, nothing has changed other than you knowing about it. There is no need for any drama.

I don’t understand why you think your Dad needs to be told. What would it achieve? What good would it do?

I think there might be some value in contacting your bio ‘dad’ - but wait a little while before you do.

DuchessofDerbyshire · 02/01/2021 22:16

@Standrewsschool

Have you confirmed with your mother that she was having a relationship with the actor and the dates fit?

Incidently, when my eldest son was a toddler, he was the spitting image of Prince William as a child. No relation at all.you can look like someone without being related to them.

Have you missed the fact the OP's mum died 7 years ago

saraclara · 02/01/2021 22:16

@Standrewsschool

Have you confirmed with your mother that she was having a relationship with the actor and the dates fit?

Incidently, when my eldest son was a toddler, he was the spitting image of Prince William as a child. No relation at all.you can look like someone without being related to them.

Her mother is dead. Read the OP.

DuchessofDerbyshire · 02/01/2021 22:19

OP you don't need to tell your father. IF he is your father. And he may already know, or suspect especially if YOU can so easily find your mother's old flame (the actor) so your father could too.

Have you thought of that?

Although your mother didn't tell you, she may have told him.

You'd be surprised at how many families know more than they let on.

If it helps, find some evidence that you are not his bio child, but you don't need to tell him.

suggestionsplease1 · 02/01/2021 22:19

Good advice to just slow down and really think through the possible end consequences and what you really want (knowing that what you really want might not be possible anyway)

At the moment you don't actually know anything for certain - when and if you do find out for certain you will have a burden of knowledge that may place on you ethical obligations to others.

You don't actually have that yet, all you have is speculation and uncertainty, which is hard to deal with too, but is it harder than knowing what to do with the truth when you have it?

Covidpleasegoaway · 02/01/2021 22:25

I think you need to insist on a DNA test - can you ask your brother if he will do it?

You shouldn't take your aunt's word for it - it could be that this 'actor' looks very much like you, and your aunt has got it into her head that he may be your father when actually, he never even met knew your mother. Some people do look almost identical to others, even though they're not related in the slightest. And your aunt may be getting strange and delusional ideas into her head.

Obviously she could be telling the truth but it's something to bear in mind.

Sundance2741 · 02/01/2021 22:25

Get counselling from someone well versed in these matters. There are lots of implications for you AND the rest of your family and your putative father's family. You don't necessarily have to have a DNA test and you can't force anyone to agree to one.

I remember being told that around 25% of people are not the biological child of their supposed father, so it's not uncommon. (My father recently told me he doesn't believe he is the biological son of his mother's husband but they are both long dead so too late to ask.)

Legally I believe your dad is your dad, by marriage and by virtue of him being on your birth certificate. Adoptees are legally the children of their adoptive parents and birth family have no legal rights or vice versa.

TatianaBis · 02/01/2021 22:37

I think some posters are slightly missing the point that determining who your father is fairly key. It’s one of the things about being adopted, if a parent can’t be traced, that can weigh heavily on people.

Apart from anything else, it can be important medically, to know what diseases run in the family.

I think it’s inevitable that OP finds out who her father actually is. Whether she asks her dad or her suspected dad for a dna test is an unenviable decision to have to make.

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/01/2021 22:42

I just want to add i have watched enough Jeremy Kyle 😳 to know what you look like can often have no bearing on the dna

MyDisposableUsername · 02/01/2021 22:47

@SensibleJaneAndrews

My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known.

How do you know this? Is this what your aunt says? Be careful of assuming that it's definitely the case. My DH's mum insisted that his biological father never knew about him. She told her sister and parents the same. In fact it came out (after MIL died) that DH's bio dad suspected that he was the father and asked her while she was pregnant but she denied it. His father was only just turning 18 and his mother was 26 when they had a ONS and he was conceived. She didn't want a relationship with his father, so lied and told him that another guy was actually the dad. Totally different from the story MIL spun to DH and the rest of their family. Just don't assume that your aunt knows the whole truth, necessarily.

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 22:48

OP,
I also want to write that I think your father whom was forced into marrying your mother has had a very raw deal here.

Yes, he had unprotected sex and boy in your case did he pay for it.

Your mother slept with two men and married the safer of the two bets.

The men both had unprotected sex and rolled the dice...but considering your parents never really jelled, what a price was paid.

Parents, emphasis to your son's the importance of taking responsibility for contraception. Be brutal with the stories and consequences.
Emphasis the lean on their earnings if they don't take responsibility.
My SIL has 4 sons and was brutal with them when it came to drill into them that they HAD to OWN THEIR responsibility in their sex lives.

She's a university maths Prof and has seen it all in 40 years lecturing.

43abc · 02/01/2021 22:53

Billy1966 .. I think you’re jumping the gun! Making presumptions.

TatianaBis · 02/01/2021 22:54

I don’t see why he had any rawer deal than the mother.

We’ve no idea if she was sleeping with two people at once, that’s simply what the aunt claims about events from long ago. Given that her husband turned out to be a philanderer it’s a moot point.

43abc · 02/01/2021 22:57

I think he was the lucky one, having a family with a daughter and son... he then made his own lifestyle choices that affected others

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 23:00

@SensibleJaneAndrews

I have no idea where to go with this! I have just found out that my dad isn’t my dad. My auntie told me, she was having a New Year crisis of conscience and said she doesn’t want to keep it from me any more.

Basically, my mum and dad were seeing each other when they were very young - only 20 and 21. They are both from fairly upper middle class backgrounds, dad’s probably more posh. When my mum got pregnant they were whisked into marriage by their families. It didn’t go well, my dad had multiple affairs and they divorced a few years before my mum died about seven years ago. Mum took him to the cleaners a bit in the divorce settlement and he tried to renegotiate that with my brother and me after her death but my auntie handled him and we inherited. It’s paid off our mortgage and made me and DH comfortable financially.

It turns out that my mum was sleeping with someone else when she fell pregnant with me. He is an actor, and had no intention of settling down. My auntie says mum knew there was a chance I wasn’t dad’s, but he was a better option for fatherhood. She said it was clear from when I was born who my father is, as I looked just like him - he is B list famous so it’s easy to find photos on google and I still do. My mum stayed in touch with him and told him about me, so he has always known. He married twice and I have siblings, and nephews and nieces. I may also have grandparents.

The thing is that since my auntie told me on New Year’s Day, my first thought has been, I have to tell my dad. We don’t have a great relationship; there was a lot of tension about his affairs and the divorce and my brother and I took mum’s side. He also said some unpleasant and insensitive things at the time she died. And he doesn’t approve of my DH and life choices - but has been making more of an effort to build bridges recently. It’s completely within character that he might take this news out on me, or demand I repay him for everything he has spent on me. But how can I keep such a massive thing from him? And unless I do tell him, how can I contact my birth relatives and find out who I am? I am in a complete whirl, and I feel furious with my mum that she didn’t ever tell me, especially when she knew her cancer was terminal. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this complete mess?

If what the OP has written is true, then her mother stayed in touch with her real father.

Read what the OP has written.

If it's TRUE, then ther mother was forced into marriage with a man that was4her father.

It's all there in what the OP wrote.

If it is true.

The OP's mother knew very quickly, after the OP was born that she had been forced into a marriage with a man that was NOT her daughter's father.

An unhappy marriage ensued.

Happymum12345 · 02/01/2021 23:01

Personally, I wouldn’t tell him. What good would it do? Your mum didn’t want you or him to know. It’s your decision of course, make sure you take your time and be certain of your facts before deciding anything. Counselling sounds like a good idea.

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 23:06

Hence my point about men taking responsibility for having sex.

Being coerced into a marriage because of an unplanned pregnancy is a part of historical society.

Loads of deeply unhappy marriages ensued.

To find that you had been coerced into a marriage for an unplanned pregnancy, to find out later that it wasn't your child, might be deeply unsettling in.

43abc · 02/01/2021 23:08

Nothing says it was forced ...all parties may have known the situation. He married a woman made vows had two children within his marriage vows.. Then he suited himself. The op has been raised by this man he’s her dad her brother is her brother! He’s not had a raw deal he chose to make it that way.

43abc · 02/01/2021 23:13

I don’t the op needs a discussion on historical marriages and sex education , op take your time to process this information,.. Get advice and counselling first.

Runnerduck34 · 02/01/2021 23:29

What a shock, I definitely would advise not to rush into telling your dad, without a dna test you cant be 100% sure either way, he could still be your biological dad and he raised you ( however imperfectly)
He would have no right to ask you to return any money spent raising you or inherited from your mum.
Tbh neither of your potential fathers sound that great ( sorry)
Perhaps counselling could help ? I think I would try and see if there was a way to check your dna with your brother to see if you are full siblings ( assuming he is your dads)

I can understand you not wanting to keep it a secret, its clearly what your aunt felt too but it is a lot to digest, good luck.

Feedingthebirds1 · 02/01/2021 23:33

@Standrewsschool

Have you confirmed with your mother that she was having a relationship with the actor and the dates fit?

Incidently, when my eldest son was a toddler, he was the spitting image of Prince William as a child. No relation at all.you can look like someone without being related to them.

Please read the thread, or at least OP's posts. Her mother is dead, and while she was alive never said anything to OP.

AhNowTed · 02/01/2021 23:38

Don't rush into anything.

I'm close to a very similar situation.

What your aunt hoped to gain I have no idea.

I will never tell the child involved, they and their father would be devastated, and the biological dad hasn't made a move in 30 years so clearly doesn't want to know.

However this is your life, but think carefully about the various outcomes before you decide what to do.

TatianaBis · 02/01/2021 23:42

Everyone has a right to know the truth about themselves and their lives. No-one has the right to play God and intentionally suppress that information.

AhNowTed · 02/01/2021 23:49

@TatianaBis I agree to an extent but in the case I'm familiar with no good will come of it.

Plus it's not my place or secret to tell.

In the OPs case that horse has already bolted. But she should consider every eventuality before deciding what to do.

Very difficult situation all round.

Onthedunes · 02/01/2021 23:52

I would advise to find your real biological father.
Your present father realy does have the right to know if you do.

Genetically for health reasons it can only be a good thing for your children and grandchildren.

Secrets ran in my family and I can honestly say when they came out things just made sense and although it was a shock i'm so glad to know the truth.

Future inheritances are usually affected by these truths.