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Original poster

Living apart because of his x.

203 replies

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 10:37

Hi mums,
I'm new here and I didn't know where else to write about thia as my friends and family don't understand how I feel and they're not partial.

For the past year I've been living together with my fiancé. He's got 3 children from a previous relationship and when we moved in together he wasn't allowed to see his children. Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do.

But he started to slowly fall apart so I said he should get another flat so he has a chance to see them. Meaning he'd use it whenever he was gonna see he kids and be in our flat the rest of the flat. And as soon as he said the the mom he was planning on it he got to see his kids. Now he's moved out and I'm standing here heartbroken. Not knowing when I will see him again. Becuase he's a spent alot of time in the new flat. I know it is because he's setting up furnitures and stuff, but i find it hard to deal with. I hate the fact that i don't know if and when he'll stop by here, as he's moved all hia clothes etc to the new flat, so it would seem to the kids that he lives there.
Or if he's gonna stay over. Over a night my whole life changed, i hate the fact that i won't wake up in the morning and he'll be there every morning, or going to bed at night together every night.
And i dont know what the future will be. If I will slowly get introduced into hia kids lives.
I hope you guys understand what I mean. Of course urae he has to put his kids first and make it work. But I don't know if i could take it withoit knowing it will be an end to all this. What would you have done? I mean I've said to him several times that I want him to be here as much as before when his kids are not with him and he said he would. But somehow everything is different😭 And all because his x refuse to let me see his kids. He's not even sure they have said they don't want to meet me. That it's more to not upset their mom.

Please write me something. Please tell me what to do, what you would have done. Good or bad.

I know I have to do this for his kids sake but how much should I put up with? There must be a limit somewhere.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 22/12/2020 10:53

How awful for you, if it were me I would have probably (depending on the ages of the children) asked him to talk to them first with regards to how they feel about meeting you, mum may have put ideas in their heads. I would then have talked to him about going down the legal route, I know it's not ideal and most would want to avoid that at all costs, but she can't rule his life like this. How does he feel about the new arrangements? How often will the children now be with him? Is he able amd willing to stand up to her at all?

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 11:12

It's absolutely horrendous. Because its not just my life that's upside down it's my kids as well. He's been a huge part in their lives for over a year, and they ask me about him whenever he's not here. His oldest is 13 and youngest 8 so I'm sure they'd be able to tell him how they feel about it. We've talked about the legal route but he doesn't want to put his children through that sort of thing.
He's not happy about this arrangement either, but i don't think he is as upset about it as i am because he gets to see his kids.
He can stand up to her, but i dont feel like he has in regards of me. Somewhere I know it's because he want to see his kids and she's been the one keeping thwm from him.
They've not set any days yet. But I'm sure she'll not stick to it. Like they have set days but that she'll make sure they go there after school until she finish work etc. All to ruin for us.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 22/12/2020 11:23

Taking her to court for normal visitation is standing up for his DC not putting them through anything.

If he files to have visitation, he'll get the standard EOW and 1 day during the week. He doesn't have infants so his DC will have some say in it.

How long have you been with him and have you ever met his DC?

Hoppinggreen · 22/12/2020 11:25

He’s left you basically.
He has put his dc first, quite rightly, but if he was that bothered he could take the legal route (not for the 15 year old)
I suggest you start to make a life without him

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 11:28

He will now get to see his children without court which is good but for that to happen he had to move out, not living with me.

I just want him to talk to them. Tell them I'm not a bad person despite what tjeir mother have said.

Ive been with him for 1.5 and I've never met his children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 11:30

That's what it feels like. Despite his words.

OP posts:
Wheelerdeeler · 22/12/2020 11:33

You are living apart because he moved in with you too quickly & without resolving the issue with his children.

You should never have moved in together while he couldn't see his kids. Once again a man prioritising his dick instead of his kids.

At least he's finally putting his kids first.

crankysaurus · 22/12/2020 11:34

Is he willing to go down the legal route?

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 11:37

He would if she doesn't stick to the agreement of letting him see the kids despite him getting a new flat. But i don't see gow the legal route would help us living together?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 11:39

He was seeing his children before we moved in together. It started after so I sorry I don't see your point.

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 22/12/2020 11:43

All I can say is court.

That way the children get to see their father without all this.

It's about fighting for this right. It's not putting them through anything bad.

Techway · 22/12/2020 11:57

How long were you together before he moved in? It seems to be 6 months.

His children have to be factored into his living arrangements so I assume he discussed it with them before he moved into your place? Especially the 13 year old.

Their time with their dad isn't just you, you mention your children so by moving in together after 6 months he was forcing his children to blend with yours. That will never feel like their home, they will be house guests in your house.. is there even enough room for them to have space?

Please look at this from his children's perspective...seeing their Dad with you and your children isn't quality time for them. I completely understand it and I doubt it has anything to do with the Ex, she is probadly just supporting them. Don't demonise her as you will be directly your energy in the wrong place.

It seems you rushed to blend families...you need to take it slow, one step at a time and him getting his place is very sensible. He should have done it first and then waited. Now it's rushed there will be distrust and hurt so will take longer to heal.

Put the children first, listen to them even if you think it's unreasonable. The adults have to respect their feelings or he will risk losing his relationship with them and no relationship is worth that.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:10

I get your point and I'm well aware that his children comes first. After all the sperate living was my idea as he at first was too stubborn to do it. And I don't want his children to feel forced to live with me or even meet me.

It's just the fact that we were so focused on him getting to see his kids we never talked about a plan.

Please don't get me wrong. Of course his children comes first and I have never thougjt anything else. It's just the fact that I hate the thought of not knowing when to see him, as we said from the start he would be here when he doesnt have his kids. And he has not.

Of course people would say "of course she say the ex i horrible". But she really is horrible. If you only knew half the stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:14

And there are plenty of space for them here. They'd even be able to have their own rooms.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 22/12/2020 12:14

Op you deserve better than this. The fact that he has children does not negate your entirely natural feelings of being heartbroken because your partner has moved out. He has allowed himself to be controlled and manipulated by his ex.

I think you should end it unless you want to spend your life in a relationship which is controlled by his ex to this extent.

Techway · 22/12/2020 12:15

If this went to court and the 13 year old said he didn't want to stay at his Dads girlfriend's house then a court is not going to force a child to be there. They may suggest contact away from your house.

First step is talk to the children, next is mediation which is a requirement before court.

I think it's a cop out to blame the Ex, the children seem to be expressing their own opinions. Listen to them.

jojogoesbust · 22/12/2020 12:17

He moved in far too quickly. I wouldn't be happy for my kids to come to you either, sorry.

He needs to put his kids first. I don't think its necessarily the end for you, you just both moved far too quickly.

He is doing the right thing setting up a flat so he can see his kids

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:19

Thank you for seeing from my point of view❤️

I never refused his kids a relationship to their dad. She refused it because she doesn't like me. And the fact as well, when he started to see his kids again they had always wanted to see him despite what she kept telling him.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 22/12/2020 12:19

Op I suggest that you post on the step parenting forum. You might find that people there are more supportive.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:26

I never said it wasn't the right thing. I just expressed my own feelings about him not being here despite his children not being there. Its the lack of plan for the future, not knowing if he'll ever talk to his children about me etc. That over a night things changed and it makes me sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:31

I didn't expect people to be understanding tbh.
But i didnt expect them to get hungup on the children. As they're not the problem.

And for anyone "not supporting and agreeing with the mom" she's never given me a chance. Not a single bit. And I've never before today backtalked her because I've always felt it's not my place.
She has told her children things about me and keeping their father away by telling them he doesnt love them. It all came out when he started to see his children again. So how am I a horrible person for being upset my fiancé moved out?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2020 12:32

How often does he have his DC? And why does he stay at his flat when they aren't there?

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:33

It really isn't a cop out. But i can't force ypu to think anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:35

It's not decided any set days yet so now it's a bit whenever.

And your second question is actually the main reason I'm upset. So I couldn't tell you.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/12/2020 12:39

Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do

She's controlling him. He needs to stop acquiescing to her unreasonable demands, tell her to F-off and go to court to secure reasonable access - and not on her terms.

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