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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Living apart because of his x.

203 replies

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 10:37

Hi mums,
I'm new here and I didn't know where else to write about thia as my friends and family don't understand how I feel and they're not partial.

For the past year I've been living together with my fiancé. He's got 3 children from a previous relationship and when we moved in together he wasn't allowed to see his children. Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do.

But he started to slowly fall apart so I said he should get another flat so he has a chance to see them. Meaning he'd use it whenever he was gonna see he kids and be in our flat the rest of the flat. And as soon as he said the the mom he was planning on it he got to see his kids. Now he's moved out and I'm standing here heartbroken. Not knowing when I will see him again. Becuase he's a spent alot of time in the new flat. I know it is because he's setting up furnitures and stuff, but i find it hard to deal with. I hate the fact that i don't know if and when he'll stop by here, as he's moved all hia clothes etc to the new flat, so it would seem to the kids that he lives there.
Or if he's gonna stay over. Over a night my whole life changed, i hate the fact that i won't wake up in the morning and he'll be there every morning, or going to bed at night together every night.
And i dont know what the future will be. If I will slowly get introduced into hia kids lives.
I hope you guys understand what I mean. Of course urae he has to put his kids first and make it work. But I don't know if i could take it withoit knowing it will be an end to all this. What would you have done? I mean I've said to him several times that I want him to be here as much as before when his kids are not with him and he said he would. But somehow everything is different😭 And all because his x refuse to let me see his kids. He's not even sure they have said they don't want to meet me. That it's more to not upset their mom.

Please write me something. Please tell me what to do, what you would have done. Good or bad.

I know I have to do this for his kids sake but how much should I put up with? There must be a limit somewhere.

OP posts:

movingonup20 · 22/12/2020 12:40

I don't understand why he didn't request visitation through the courts, no court would refuse him access and she would be instructed to allow it, with a settling I process to get to know you. It seems he is bending to the wishes of his ex, I would be concerned

Original poster

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:43

He has felt he had to hold back. And been scared her words have been true, but they haven't so i hope from now on it will be more on his terms.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 22/12/2020 12:44

This is just ludicrous-why not go to court and get an enforceable routine before he jeopardizes your relationship? It's like a slow moving train wreck.

Original poster

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:46

I don't really know why more than he didn't want to put his kids through court. But thinking back I could have been more persistent about it. But I always felt I can't force him to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 12:49

I'm gonna talk to him tonight. He's coming over.
I know I don't have a say in regards to his children and I'm more than happy for him to have that flat for his children. But I feel like I have a say in the life regarding me and him. So I'm gonna talk to him tonight.

OP posts:

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 22/12/2020 13:00

I’ve read your posts but not the full thread.

You come across like you are in denial. I get the impression all your family and friends feel this relationship is not good and there is something dodgy going on, but that you don’t want to listen.

Your posts lack a bit of detail that I’d think would be important in terms of this situation. For example how long was he with his wife, why did they split, how old were the kids at the time, what were they told, how often was he seeing them, when and why did access stop (did he only see them for a few weeks or was it stopped after many years), how quickly did you enter the picture and how quickly did you get engaged ?

I have to say though I have absolutely no tolerance for men who claim that they don’t want to “put their kids through court” and either don’t bother to see them at all or jump through any hoops set by the ex. Yes, court is awful and best to be avoided BUT only if that’s possible. If you’re dealing with someone truly unreasonable who is preventing access, go to court and fight for your children. To do anything else would never be an option for me and I could never respect a man who didn’t. If she is being reasonable, then work with her to sort something out.

The fact you’re supposed to be engaged yet never met his kids throws up red flags for me. How much of the information you’ve got cones firsthand I wonder and how much have you been told by him ?

Personally, it doesn’t sound like you’ve been together long. I’d move on and find someone without all the drama.

Original poster

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:01

Also, when we talkes about getting another flat, we agreed he'd only be there when his children were to visit.
The kids mother then commented "Its not going to be a" sleep-over" flat. So I guess he bent over for that as well.

OP posts:

Techway · 22/12/2020 13:02

But thinking back I could have been more persistent about it. But I always felt I can't force him to it

You shouldn't be forcing him. First step is always mediation.

I can see your upset is because he is now choosing to pull away from you. Let it all settle down and if you are right for each other then you will get through this. The relationship was rushed which is why it feels a backwards step but it is probadly going at the pace it needs to be.
How many children do you have? How long has he been divorced?

Viviennemary · 22/12/2020 13:03

I'd say that from his behaviour his relationship with you is more or less over. I'd just move on if I were you. I couldn't set myself up for all this angst which might go on for years. Will he won't he. Its no good.

RantyAnty · 22/12/2020 13:05

Agree with PP on some unanswered questions.

Where was he living before he moved in with you?

Have you been to his new place yet?

Has his ex found a new partner?

Do you have a wedding date?

Original poster

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:10

He had his own flat then.
I've been to the new flat, I helped him moving all the stuff, I've bought things for it. And I have my own key.
His ex don't have a new partner, but apparently she's dating someone.
We don't have a wedding day as I put the planning off in regards to everything that's going on.

I know we did things quickly and I don't expect people to understand or agree to everything. And I never said I wasn't happy about him and his children having a relationship again. It's just the lack of knowing about the future.

OP posts:

Rockinmomma · 22/12/2020 13:11

I feel for you OP, there are some very toxic ex’s out there.
My ExH just moved in with his DP who he’s only been seeing for 4 months. Am I pleased with this? Hell no! I’ve met her for all of 10 minutes. BUT my ex is a selfish arse, he’ll always do what he wants. Our DC seem to be happy and ultimately their feelings are more important than mine. I’d never bad mouth him or his DP to them
It sounds like your choices are the legal route (if he wants to), end the relationship OR do nothing and see how this pans out. Really it’s his responsibility and choice. Your choice is to accept this current situation or not

WB205020 · 22/12/2020 13:12

I feel for your OP but i also feel he is doing the right thing by putting his kids first. Ok so hi ex is manipulative.......however from her perspective her ex has rushed to move in with a new woman who has kids and is being protective over her children and with respect, im sure if she was on MN writing her story it would appear very different. If you both like each other that much then take is very slowly. Put all your kids first and dont rush. perhaps in a year of 2 you can revist moving in together but after a matter of months its way too soon, especially as it basically means his kids have no time with just him.

Aprilx · 22/12/2020 13:13

I felt very bad for you until I worked out that you moved in together after six months and without dealing with the issue of his children and you meeting! I am not surprised that his ex didn’t want the children at your place although she had no right to stop all contact and I concur that he should have gone to court over that.

It probably would be better if he lived separately until he has rebuilt his relationship with his children and have got to the point where you have met them and got to know them a little. How it should have been done in the first place.

Original poster

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:15

I have accepted most things and after all the new flat was my idea. Its just the living in the other flat when his childrne is not there that is upsetting me, tje not knowing when i will see him. Form being able to see him every day.

Im sorry for making it seem like im bad mouting the mother. But she's been like a wall from day 1. And the things she said to him, about us etc is not okay. And the things she has said to their children. Mostly about their dad, and he's had no chance what so ever to tell them otherwise.

OP posts:

Neverbeme · 22/12/2020 13:17

I also think you probably moved too fast with him moving in. His relationship with his children needed to be more established with him in his own place.

Now it seems like you have gone backwards. I understand you are upset. It could be for him that it’s less hassle all round to have his own place and have the exw happy but also he could be withdrawing from your relationship.

Have you got plans together over Christmas?

Original poster

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:22

I know we rushed things and we both regret it. But we never expected it to turn out like this.

And I know we had to do this dor his childrens sake. But im afraid that the last part you wrote is true.

Not together, his children is meant to be with him as the mother is working.

OP posts:

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 22/12/2020 13:22

I do think you moved in too fast, however apart from that you sound sensible and reasonable.

It’s such a bad sign that he’s choosing to be at his new flag when he could be with you. Either he’s being guilted by his ex or he’s doing it because he’d rather be there.

Both worthy of ending the relationship in my opinion, it’s too much trouble.

I think when we’re looking for partners at an older age and have dc already, their circumstances around their ex and dc are critically important. It’s hard but needs careful consideration.

Hillary111 · 22/12/2020 13:24

Feel for you OP, it's extremely hard to forge a stable relationship with someone when the circumstances in which you want to live are not stable. I'd suggest that if your partner is not ready/prepared to go to court for access, he is not ready to be in an adult relationship. The mother has no right to dictate who your partner introduces THEIR (not just hers!) children to, however if the children are against meeting you it's a bit more difficult. Perhaps your OH could spend some time putting in the groundwork with the SC in order for them to feel comfortable meeting you. He would at least then understand their reservations.

Don't worry about bad mouthing the mother, sounds like she's not ready to give up that control over her ex and the kids. She needs to accept that she cannot control everything and everyone!

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 22/12/2020 13:24

Or it could evolve into a nice relationship where you live separately till all the dc have left home. There are many advantages to not having all the domestic nonsense and just spending nice times together

Ohalrightthen · 22/12/2020 13:25

If he really cared about seeing them he should have gone to court, and should not have moved in with a woman who'd never met them! That's absolutely insane!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/12/2020 13:26

You moved intoverjer very quickly, taking that into consideration I can completely understand why she didn't want her children meeting you. I wouldn't be sending my children to stay with a complete stranger either.
Why did he not stay where he was living when he met you, continue to see his kids and gradually resolve the issues with his 3rd, build a separate relationship with you and not force a situation that his children may not have been comfortable with meeting you.
New relationships should not involve children. It's not fair on them. Why did he move in with you so swiftly ok, how was his relationship with his ex and children before he met You?

RantyAnty · 22/12/2020 13:26

Since you've been together awhile now. maybe you could invite her for coffee and maybe she can see you're not a wicked witch or anything.

lazylockdowner · 22/12/2020 13:28

Sorry but I think it sounds like your relationship is over or will soon die out.

She had no right to withhold his children and control his life, what he should be doing is going through the courts and getting proper access

Original poster

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:31

I've thought about it and I've got a letter planned for her. A non agressive letter, where i introduce myself and taking her worries into consideration.
But he said i should wait.

OP posts:

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