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Original poster

Living apart because of his x.

203 replies

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 10:37

Hi mums,
I'm new here and I didn't know where else to write about thia as my friends and family don't understand how I feel and they're not partial.

For the past year I've been living together with my fiancé. He's got 3 children from a previous relationship and when we moved in together he wasn't allowed to see his children. Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do.

But he started to slowly fall apart so I said he should get another flat so he has a chance to see them. Meaning he'd use it whenever he was gonna see he kids and be in our flat the rest of the flat. And as soon as he said the the mom he was planning on it he got to see his kids. Now he's moved out and I'm standing here heartbroken. Not knowing when I will see him again. Becuase he's a spent alot of time in the new flat. I know it is because he's setting up furnitures and stuff, but i find it hard to deal with. I hate the fact that i don't know if and when he'll stop by here, as he's moved all hia clothes etc to the new flat, so it would seem to the kids that he lives there.
Or if he's gonna stay over. Over a night my whole life changed, i hate the fact that i won't wake up in the morning and he'll be there every morning, or going to bed at night together every night.
And i dont know what the future will be. If I will slowly get introduced into hia kids lives.
I hope you guys understand what I mean. Of course urae he has to put his kids first and make it work. But I don't know if i could take it withoit knowing it will be an end to all this. What would you have done? I mean I've said to him several times that I want him to be here as much as before when his kids are not with him and he said he would. But somehow everything is different😭 And all because his x refuse to let me see his kids. He's not even sure they have said they don't want to meet me. That it's more to not upset their mom.

Please write me something. Please tell me what to do, what you would have done. Good or bad.

I know I have to do this for his kids sake but how much should I put up with? There must be a limit somewhere.

OP posts:
Hillary111 · 22/12/2020 17:13

Only 18 months .... Where do these imaginary acceptable timescales come from?

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 17:16

I don't know, but I'd guess she got it from the time weve been together.

OP posts:
Techway · 22/12/2020 17:27

But it's not just for me but also my own children as he's been a huge part of their lives

This is why I assumed I raised this..
Op, I hope you have a good discussion and I think your relationship is now on firmer ground. He has a place and a chance to rebuild his relationship with his children. There is no need to rush especially when there are 5 children involved. Good luck

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 17:33

Well living together for a years and being around for all that time, it's not so surprising they've got a relationship. My children don't have a dad, as he disappeared 4 years ago, and they were only 3 days and 1 years old. So they never had a relationship to him.

I don't want to rush thibgs with his children or us living together again, just to know that somewhere down the line it might be and end to us living apart or knowing whem he'll be here instead of havong to ask him when, as he atm is playing ps4 in the new flat rather than be here.

OP posts:
Sittinbythetrees · 22/12/2020 17:33

Sounds like he’s putting his kids first, that’s a good thing. This is going to sound unkind but maybe he doesn’t actually want to live with you and your kids anymore? It all sounds very peculiar and very much all on your terms.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 17:33

Saying he'll come around later on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 17:35

How is it on my terms? 🤔 If it wasnt for me he'd still be here not seeing his kids.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 22/12/2020 18:10

It all sounds very peculiar and very much all on your terms

What rubbish. It sounds very much like it's on his ex wife's terms to me.

Hillary111 · 22/12/2020 18:14

Agree @LouJ85

DianaT1969 · 22/12/2020 18:21

Why do you think he is staying at his flat alone playing pS4?

Bronzino · 22/12/2020 18:21

Dreadful. Another weak insipid man. Honestly you’re better off without him, men who have dysfunctional dynamics with their ex and therefore the children are never ever worth the hassle. You’d have a life of endless capitulation with him, and you’ll be broke. No holiday ever your own, your needs non-existent. There’s better for you, go get it!

Bronzino · 22/12/2020 18:23

Cripes, I just read more. PS4? Love, come on! Build your world and hold out for the grown-up!

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 18:28

Probably because he doesnt want to love with me or my kids anymore

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/12/2020 18:35

Oh for goodness sake OP.

He's moved out to have his ps4 every night and his children the odd night.

You are being played.

Sorry.
Flowers

Firevixen · 22/12/2020 18:40

I cant believe you moved in together before you had even met his children! How on earth did you both think that was going to work?

His kids were expected to just turn up at his new house and stay with their dad AND A BUNCH OF COMPLETE STRANGERS?

Usually, I would be on the dads side and say the mum can not just stop access like that and to take her to court. However, I can completely understand why the kids would not want to go to his house.

You are just going to have to suck it up I think until the kids actually know you and build up a relationship with you.

Ohalrightthen · 22/12/2020 19:52

@Firevixen

I cant believe you moved in together before you had even met his children! How on earth did you both think that was going to work?

His kids were expected to just turn up at his new house and stay with their dad AND A BUNCH OF COMPLETE STRANGERS?

Usually, I would be on the dads side and say the mum can not just stop access like that and to take her to court. However, I can completely understand why the kids would not want to go to his house.

You are just going to have to suck it up I think until the kids actually know you and build up a relationship with you.

Exactly this.

What the everloving fuck were you thinking OP?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/12/2020 00:43

atm is playing ps4 in the new flat rather than be here.

Didn't fight for access to his kids

Blames his ex for his lack of backbone aka his ability to fight for his kids

Doesn't consider the two of you a team

Moved in with someone far too soon despite having three kids (plus your kids) to consider

Prefers playing PlayStation to spending time with the woman he claims to love and her children he's built a relationship with

Your bar should be higher than this. It really should. Please walk away from this, you and your children don't need the ongoing stress this will all cause.

changedmynameforChristmas · 23/12/2020 00:48

OP You need to start putting your children first and let this guy and his wife sort their arrangements out.
I would say you have dodged a bullet here

SandyY2K · 23/12/2020 01:12

Apart from the issue with his kids...moving a man into your home with your kids within 6 months of a relationship was way too quick.

I also don't understand what business it is of his Rx how often he stays at the apartment he's got...it's not fir her to dictate whether it's a sleepover flat or not.

I would be rather concerned about marrying a man who seems incapable of standing up to his ex, because your life with him will be controlled by her moods... which will change as frequently as the wind blows.

ThePoetsWife · 23/12/2020 09:02

@youvegottenminuteslynn

atm is playing ps4 in the new flat rather than be here.

Didn't fight for access to his kids

Blames his ex for his lack of backbone aka his ability to fight for his kids

Doesn't consider the two of you a team

Moved in with someone far too soon despite having three kids (plus your kids) to consider

Prefers playing PlayStation to spending time with the woman he claims to love and her children he's built a relationship with

Your bar should be higher than this. It really should. Please walk away from this, you and your children don't need the ongoing stress this will all cause.

This.

Sorry OP, but you need to watch his actions instead of listening to him. His behaviour is telling you everything you need to know.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 09:12

Thank you ladies, you've given me a lot to think about. Some things I've already thought about before, but not wanted them to be true. My mind has been "I'm not a fucking doormat", "I've done everything I can and this is the thank you" and "I've done it on my own before and I can do it again...".

We need to do this thing for his children, but there's no excuse for the rest.
I'm supposed to be his gf/fiancé and I shouldn't have to wait and wonder when to see him.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 09:23

If i were you, i would tell him that he needs to go to court (should have done it years ago) and if he doesnt, he should get to fuck.

And then have a think about what on earth led you to put so many innocent children in this utterly unnecessary situation.

billy1966 · 23/12/2020 09:43

OP,

When you are having to push a man to do everything including him coming to see you, what do you think it means?

Have some self respect.
He moved in with you without you so much as meeting his children.

Unbelievable.
I think you need to wake up and smell the roses.

He is playing you.
His poor children.
Flowers

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 09:54

Usually, I would be on the dads side and say the mum can not just stop access like that and to take her to court. However, I can completely understand why the kids would not want to go to his house.

This is slight extrapolation. The kids themselves from what I can make out have not said to Dad or OP that they don't want to stay - ExW if the one pulling the strings and that is blatantly obvious to me in this statement...

"Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me."

They don't need a new mummy? It reeks of insecurity on the part of the ex to me. Absolutely no evidence at all that the kids have said these words themselves.

She's a classic controlling exW from all that has been said so far. I mean come on, she stalks the OP's social media accounts for personal info!? How can't people see what is blatantly obvious here - she's pulling the strings and OP's partner is just dancing along like a puppet.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 09:58

His oldest is 13 and youngest 8 so I'm sure they'd be able to tell him how they feel about it.

Exactly. Have they said directly to either their Dad or OP "I don't want to stay because I don't need a new mother, thanks". Or do these sound like the words of an insecure mother, passed off as the words of her children?? I know where I would vote! 🤔