Living apart because of his x.

[Lacroix89]

Hi mums,
I'm new here and I didn't know where else to write about thia as my friends and family don't understand how I feel and they're not partial.

For the past year I've been living together with my fiancé. He's got 3 children from a previous relationship and when we moved in together he wasn't allowed to see his children. Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do.

But he started to slowly fall apart so I said he should get another flat so he has a chance to see them. Meaning he'd use it whenever he was gonna see he kids and be in our flat the rest of the flat. And as soon as he said the the mom he was planning on it he got to see his kids. Now he's moved out and I'm standing here heartbroken. Not knowing when I will see him again. Becuase he's a spent alot of time in the new flat. I know it is because he's setting up furnitures and stuff, but i find it hard to deal with. I hate the fact that i don't know if and when he'll stop by here, as he's moved all hia clothes etc to the new flat, so it would seem to the kids that he lives there.
Or if he's gonna stay over. Over a night my whole life changed, i hate the fact that i won't wake up in the morning and he'll be there every morning, or going to bed at night together every night.
And i dont know what the future will be. If I will slowly get introduced into hia kids lives.
I hope you guys understand what I mean. Of course urae he has to put his kids first and make it work. But I don't know if i could take it withoit knowing it will be an end to all this. What would you have done? I mean I've said to him several times that I want him to be here as much as before when his kids are not with him and he said he would. But somehow everything is different😭 And all because his x refuse to let me see his kids. He's not even sure they have said they don't want to meet me. That it's more to not upset their mom.

Please write me something. Please tell me what to do, what you would have done. Good or bad.

I know I have to do this for his kids sake but how much should I put up with? There must be a limit somewhere.

@LouJ85

I don’t agree with withholding access but let’s be honest here, moving in with a woman and her children when your own children haven’t even met her is choosing someone else’s children over your own.

I disagree.

Here's another example.

My DP of 5 years was in the army when I met him after his marriage had broken down. His exW screwed him financially big time (won't go into that on here but suffice to say she saw to it that he had absolutely nothing). He was living between army barracks and my house (barracks being 300 miles from the area where I and his ex wife lived). He literally had nowhere else to go and no money thanks to her taking everything they had whilst still forcing him to still pay for the house she lived in (another story). When he came back from barracks at weekends when work permitted, he saw his 2 kids at his mother's house until they got to know me. But to all intents and purposes, he was "living with me" (when not at work) before his kids met me, and seeing his kids outside of that for a while before we were introduced. Five years later, we now all work fine together - him, me, his 2 kids, and my daughter.

He certainly didn't rock up with his bag going "I prefer your daughter to my kids and I am choosing them over my kids so can I move in please?" 🙄 It was far more complicated and nuanced than that.

So my point stands - I do not agree that a separated man moving in with someone who his kids haven't met, always means that the man has "chosen" someone else's kids over his own. Situations that arise in real life can be far more complex and less black and white than that.

That's actually fair enough- much more accurate to say he chose his dick over his kids.

Again, not really.

Are men not allowed to be motivated by a need for companionship and love?

I'm not saying that's necessarily the case here as I don't know the OP's partner, obviously. - But why must we assume that men are always in it for sex** and nothing else, whereas women can form relationships post marriage breakdown and that's fine, no one says she's "putting her vagina before her kids", do they?

It always makes my eyes roll.

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like there's every chance he's back with his ex.

How did your chat go last night? @Lacroix89

People say Mums have picked dick over their kids regularly.

He's not really picked OP's kids considering that he's moved in for a while and back out again. His actions are going to have emotions consequences for all the kids - hopefully he'll slow down and think more carefully before asking decisions

We never had the chat because my oldest daughter wasnt feeling well. And its kind of hard to have a serious conversation with an unwell child on my shoulder😂

But I'm gonna ask him about his ex wife as well. Reality check.

But I'm sure that's not the case although one can never be 100% sure.

His children arr 2 boys and 1 girl. But i find it weird they need their own rooms as tje boys are sharing a room at their moms.

But now they get their own rooms anf gonna stay at his over the christmas holidays as the mom is working.
I will see him tonight and I'm gonna fo mys best to have the chat with him.

I'm thankful for all the messages and I'd like to say, my kids had met and knew him before we moved in together. I didnt move him in to our home. We moved to a different apartment. He saw his children before we moved in, and the reason ee moved in together was because it was the best financially and we hoped the mother would back off but it only got worse. So his children have known about me and my children all along.

I think if he wanted to be living with you, he'd be living with you. There are so many routes he could have taken but this is the one he chose. The one where he wouldn't be living with you and your children. I know that's hard to accept but to me it beams out from your posts. I'd end the relationship instead of waiting for the gradual purposeful drift apart. That way at least you have some control over the situation and your emotions,

But i find it weird they need their own rooms as tje boys are sharing a room at their moms.

Which makes her demand even more outrageous! I assumed she had a room each for them at her place given she had the audacity to make this demand of their dad. 🙄

I never thought about it that way, as we both were focused on the requirements she had, and that was getting another apartment, so we only done that. But I can't say what he actually felt as he hasn't given me any reason to doubt his feelings for me or living together up until now.
But he might be a good actor.

I know. Bit it's done now and there's nothing I can do other than either accept it or leave him before he leaves me.

Can you not have a conversation with your DP about this? You need to come up with a routine as to when he will be at yours and when he will be at his flat. It's not atall unlike what would have happened if he hadn't moved in with you so quickly but kept his own flat and stayed over at yours sometimes.

I completely understand why you feel upset if he was living with you full time and suddenly is not there. But there is no reason you can't come to an agreement as to when he will be at yours which I'm sure will make you feel happier. Ultimately, though he needs to go down the legal route if you feel his ex may try to control things at the DC's expense. This will keep things stable for them and you and your family too. If he won't do these things then I think you need to reconsider the relationship.

I am going to talk to him about it. And I know it's not micj different if we would have done this from the start. It's just such a massive difference from one day to another.

I've got the key to his new flat. He gave it to me so I never asked for it. So I guess that's a good sign.

But I'm gping to talk to him about all this. And Hopefully it will get better when they have agreed on set days for his children to be there.

@UndertheCedartree

Can you not have a conversation with your DP about this? You need to come up with a routine as to when he will be at yours and when he will be at his flat. It's not atall unlike what would have happened if he hadn't moved in with you so quickly but kept his own flat and stayed over at yours sometimes.

I completely understand why you feel upset if he was living with you full time and suddenly is not there. But there is no reason you can't come to an agreement as to when he will be at yours which I'm sure will make you feel happier. Ultimately, though he needs to go down the legal route if you feel his ex may try to control things at the DC's expense. This will keep things stable for them and you and your family too. If he won't do these things then I think you need to reconsider the relationship.

Probably the most sensible advice / comment I've seen on here.

I know, that post made me cry😢

no one says she's "putting her vagina before her kids", do they?

Eh? People regularly say this and 'prioritising shagging over your own kids' etc when women post regarding moving in men they've only known a few months. It's said all the time on MN!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

no one says she's "putting her vagina before her kids", do they?

Eh? People regularly say this and 'prioritising shagging over your own kids' etc when women post regarding moving in men they've only known a few months. It's said all the time on MN!

My general impression is that it's an overwhelmingly sexist place where men are slagged off to the nth degree for doing the same things women do. But if you're saying it's both ways well... In that case MN is even more messed up than I originally thought!

My general impression is that it's an overwhelmingly sexist place where men are slagged off to the nth degree for doing the same things women do. But if you're saying it's both ways well... In that case MN is even more messed up than I originally thought!

Selfish decisions where parents move in a new partner far too quickly (to a home in which their children live) are always labelled as selfish decisions on here because that's what they are. Regardless of the sex of the people involved. How is that 'messed up'?

Make your mind up - you said it's bad that only men are chastised for something specific. Then you're told men and women are both chastised for that specific thing you say that's messed up.

You seem angry with MN in general when it's a collection of opinions from many people. The vast majority of those people (and the general public actually) would say moving a new partner in with your children very soon is selfish and foolish.

If you don't think it is, that's your opinion and you have every right to share it on here. Just as people have every right to say it is a selfish thing to do when you have kids. Each to their own.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I honestly haven't got the energy or time to point out the many examples of sexism I've come across on here.

Or to argue with you.

Have a lovely Christmas!

OP, might find the step parenting board to be a more supportive experience going forwards... lots of knowledgeable and friendly folk on there who can offer advise on blended family type situations. You have to filter out the ones who are clearly there just to attack stepmums - but there are some nice ones.

[quote LouJ85]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I honestly haven't got the energy or time to point out the many examples of sexism I've come across on here.

Or to argue with you.

Have a lovely Christmas! [/quote]
You too!

I posted the same thing on there and found those comments worse lol.

@Lacroix89

I posted the same thing on there and found those comments worse lol.

Oh really?!
It can be an awful place but there are some regular posters who offer support, I find.

I've never been on a mommy forum before but I thought we'd stick together no matter what. Not throw shit at each other. I mean I understand some of the comments but still.
Noone knows anyones full story because it would be impossible to write it all. And a lot och things were just assumptions. But I guess you have to take the good with the bad because a lot of comments were also very nice and understanding.

If you want people to validate your choices, when you yourself admit there are some pretty poor ones in there, the internet is probably not the place for you.