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Original poster

Living apart because of his x.

203 replies

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 10:37

Hi mums,
I'm new here and I didn't know where else to write about thia as my friends and family don't understand how I feel and they're not partial.

For the past year I've been living together with my fiancé. He's got 3 children from a previous relationship and when we moved in together he wasn't allowed to see his children. Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do.

But he started to slowly fall apart so I said he should get another flat so he has a chance to see them. Meaning he'd use it whenever he was gonna see he kids and be in our flat the rest of the flat. And as soon as he said the the mom he was planning on it he got to see his kids. Now he's moved out and I'm standing here heartbroken. Not knowing when I will see him again. Becuase he's a spent alot of time in the new flat. I know it is because he's setting up furnitures and stuff, but i find it hard to deal with. I hate the fact that i don't know if and when he'll stop by here, as he's moved all hia clothes etc to the new flat, so it would seem to the kids that he lives there.
Or if he's gonna stay over. Over a night my whole life changed, i hate the fact that i won't wake up in the morning and he'll be there every morning, or going to bed at night together every night.
And i dont know what the future will be. If I will slowly get introduced into hia kids lives.
I hope you guys understand what I mean. Of course urae he has to put his kids first and make it work. But I don't know if i could take it withoit knowing it will be an end to all this. What would you have done? I mean I've said to him several times that I want him to be here as much as before when his kids are not with him and he said he would. But somehow everything is different😭 And all because his x refuse to let me see his kids. He's not even sure they have said they don't want to meet me. That it's more to not upset their mom.

Please write me something. Please tell me what to do, what you would have done. Good or bad.

I know I have to do this for his kids sake but how much should I put up with? There must be a limit somewhere.

OP posts:
lilylongjohn · 22/12/2020 13:34

Why on earth hasn't he taken her to court over this! That would have solved all the issues abs cheaper than a flat

NotaCoolMum · 22/12/2020 13:41

He’s putting her feelings above you’re @Lacroix89. He should go y to though the courts. No excuse not to.

booboo24 · 22/12/2020 13:45

I am totally with you on this, he can put his kids first and remain living with you by taking the legal route as I said up post. The eldest would get to choose as to whether she/he wants to see you, but ultimately his ex can't decide where he takes the children during his contact time as long as they're safe. I would be incredibly hurt if I were you

Hillary111 · 22/12/2020 13:47

I wouldn't be sending a letter, I wouldn't be making any contact with their mother at all! It's your OHs job to communicate with her, not yours! this could backfire. I'd stay well away from her unless she initiates ideas of meeting/speaking with you.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:48

I feel incredibly hurt. And I feel like I've done all I can to make sure he can see his children.

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 22/12/2020 13:50

It’s not up to you to do anything except to be supportive. He needs to man up and take her to court for access.

Does his Ex know you are actually engaged op?

Hillary111 · 22/12/2020 13:51

It sucks OP, but unfortunately this can happen when you enter a relationship with someone that has kids and an ex that is controlling.

Your OH needs to grow a backbone and deal with the issue.

Ohalrightthen · 22/12/2020 13:51

@Lacroix89

I feel incredibly hurt. And I feel like I've done all I can to make sure he can see his children.
Yeah, but they're HIS children. There is one surefire (almost) way to get access to his kids (the younger ones at least) and he hasn't done it.
NotaCoolMum · 22/12/2020 13:51

Also- I understand he got the flat for his kids etc- but what about yours? They’ve no doubt gotten used to him living with them and now they’ve got more adjustments to make with him being gone.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:52

She knows everything. She knows where i work, she knows where my kids go to school and she knows when we've bought food. So even if we hadn't told her about the engagement she would have known lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:54

Im afraid i dont understand what you mean. That was written in a respons to what someone else wrote. Im not denying its his children🤔

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 22/12/2020 13:56

@Lacroix89

Im afraid i dont understand what you mean. That was written in a respons to what someone else wrote. Im not denying its his children🤔
You've done everything you can to get him to see his kids. That's great. But they're his children, and he doesn't seem to be doing half as much as you. He should have gone to court.
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:56

I've tried not to bring my own children into these posts but yes, they find it weird and they're inbetween ages to understand what exactly is going on so I explain the best i can. But they've seen him since.

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 22/12/2020 13:57

Similar thing happened to me , bf of 2 years , I wasn't allowed to meet his daughter and ex threatening not to let him see her as a way of controlling his relationship with me. We had mutual friends so I know the relationship was over a long time before we started dating.
Not sure what her problem was but it was too much drama for me and I was disappointed he didnt have the balls to stand up to her and do it legally. We parted ways but we didnt live together and I had no kids .

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 13:58

Oh I see what you mean. Yes he should have. And I also think that's why I feel upset and alone.

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 22/12/2020 13:58

(If you’re asking me what I mean...) I’m saying that your children are being dragged through this too. Has he acknowledged your children in all this? They must be missing him too

Eviebeans · 22/12/2020 14:00

I would say that you shouldn't be writing to or contacting the ex for any reason. That is his responsibility. Are you worrying that he is enjoying living alone in his new flat too much? I don't think many people could afford your current living arrangements

Neverbeme · 22/12/2020 14:00

It’s hard in a newish relationship when you both have kids eg the fact that you can’t spend Christmas together. This might be the case for several years op, especially taking into account his relationship with the ex.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 14:01

I knew what you meant. And I don't feel he has taken them into consideration as much as I would have liked. I mean it would have been alot different if he still were here the rest of the time. My youngest miss him alot the older one haven't said anything, but ive asked her several times.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 22/12/2020 14:02

Another thing that is interesting is all of this has only come from him.

Has he talked with her on the phone when you used to live together?

I'm just wondering how sure what he is telling you is true.

Did his moving out leave you having to pay more for the place?

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 14:03

I think thats it, that he's s gonna realize that living on his own is better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 14:05

They rarly talk on the phone but he always show me their text message as he doesnt want me to wonder.

It doesn't as he's still written on this address.

OP posts:
yvanka · 22/12/2020 14:05

How do you see this working long term? What about when you have a child together, will he still be staying at 'his' flat to see his kids?

This is absurd. The ex has been given far too much power, the only solution is court and he wouldn't be "putting the kids through" anything, it would be a far more stable environment for them than not knowing when they'll see their dad again.

yvanka · 22/12/2020 14:09

Is the new flat bought or rented? Either way I'd make it clear to him that this is a temporary measure and he needs to begin court proceedings immediately.

You are going to be his wife, currently he is putting his ex's needs before both yours and his childrens' because she's being the loudest. You can be supportive without taking shit, and this is shit.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 14:11

I don't know anymore. My initial plan which he agreed on was him having that flat for his children, stay here when they're not with him and then slowly introduce us and hopefully be able to live together. But as it panned out since he moved i dont know.

I know it would be better for them that way. As she tells them when, where and how. And they kind of just follow her words.

OP posts:
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