Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living apart because of his x.

203 replies

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 10:37

Hi mums,
I'm new here and I didn't know where else to write about thia as my friends and family don't understand how I feel and they're not partial.

For the past year I've been living together with my fiancé. He's got 3 children from a previous relationship and when we moved in together he wasn't allowed to see his children. Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do.

But he started to slowly fall apart so I said he should get another flat so he has a chance to see them. Meaning he'd use it whenever he was gonna see he kids and be in our flat the rest of the flat. And as soon as he said the the mom he was planning on it he got to see his kids. Now he's moved out and I'm standing here heartbroken. Not knowing when I will see him again. Becuase he's a spent alot of time in the new flat. I know it is because he's setting up furnitures and stuff, but i find it hard to deal with. I hate the fact that i don't know if and when he'll stop by here, as he's moved all hia clothes etc to the new flat, so it would seem to the kids that he lives there.
Or if he's gonna stay over. Over a night my whole life changed, i hate the fact that i won't wake up in the morning and he'll be there every morning, or going to bed at night together every night.
And i dont know what the future will be. If I will slowly get introduced into hia kids lives.
I hope you guys understand what I mean. Of course urae he has to put his kids first and make it work. But I don't know if i could take it withoit knowing it will be an end to all this. What would you have done? I mean I've said to him several times that I want him to be here as much as before when his kids are not with him and he said he would. But somehow everything is different😭 And all because his x refuse to let me see his kids. He's not even sure they have said they don't want to meet me. That it's more to not upset their mom.

Please write me something. Please tell me what to do, what you would have done. Good or bad.

I know I have to do this for his kids sake but how much should I put up with? There must be a limit somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 10:03

They have not said those words to us. And after he started to see them again, they had always wanted to see him.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 10:13

@Lacroix89

They have not said those words to us. And after he started to see them again, they had always wanted to see him.

I suspected as much.

Some posters are extrapolating a narrative that suits their own ideas from what you've said - none of which are your actual words.

So "the kids don't want to see Dad and new GF" if basically fiction, with the reality being closer to exW is so desperately insecure about the kids having a "new mummy"that she has engineered a scenario whereby those words are made out to be the words of the kids. And her insecurity also extends to her stalking of you on social media.

Pretty cut and dry from where I'm sitting.

dontdisturbmenow · 23/12/2020 10:14

My children share a bedroom atm and have a play room. Because its easier that way. But if they still shared bedroom and moved their toys they'd be able to have their own rooms when they're here
I'm still confused. Do you mean one room for the 3 children or your 2 share now, so there are three more rooms available do that your SCs each have 1 room?

I'm guessing it is the former, so SCs would share one room, most likely the smaller one, in a house that belongs to someone they don't know.

In this instance, I totally get the ex reservation.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 10:20

*I'm guessing it is the former, so SCs would share one room, most likely the smaller one, in a house that belongs to someone they don't know.

In this instance, I totally get the ex reservation.*

But do we know exW has said "I'm concerned about the sleeping arrangements and that's my reservation". Or do we know she's said "they don't need a second mummy" and then proceeded to stalk the OP on social media? The post I read was the latter (unless I missed where she raised concerns re bedrooms).

So all we still have at this point, is a bitter, insecure exW causing problems. Without sound basis in logic or reason. From what I've read anyway.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 10:26

My 2 children share a bedroom. My hopefully SC would have one room each.

She has never said anything about the living arrangment more than the "new flat" needs 3 rooms for them.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 10:36

She has never said anything about the living arrangment more than the "new flat" needs 3 rooms for them.

What age and genders are the 3 kids? Sorry if I've missed this somewhere previously.

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 10:47

Range between 8 and 13.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 10:54

@Lacroix89

Range between 8 and 13.

Girls/boys?
Just wondering why mum is insisting they all have their own room. Is it not feasible some of them might be able to share?

My DP's daughter is 10, my daughter is 14. He also has a son (13). We only have one spare bedroom so when they come to stay his daughter shares with mine, and his son has his own room. This is the most logical solution given ages and genders for the space we have. So my point being - if his exW had even dared to suggest both "must have" their own room she'd have been told in no uncertain terms by both myself and DP that the arrangement we have is perfectly appropriate and suits the kids (the girls actually like sharing for the twice a month his daughter is here), and if she doesn't like it she can basically swivel.

It really isn't her decision, OP. When they are in their dad's care he makes the parenting decisions. So long as the kids are safely cared for and happy, what business of it is hers?

AlternativePerspective · 23/12/2020 11:02

The ex’s manipulation aside, it was spectacularly stupid to move in with someone who hasn’t yet met the children.

How on earth did he expect them to feel if they ever met you? “Oh by the way, meet my new family?

This relationship is over. Move on.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 11:13

How on earth did he expect them to feel if they ever met you?

Interestingly, we still don't know how they feel. We only know how the exW feels.

AlternativePerspective · 23/12/2020 11:16

No we don’t, because he obviously hasn’t discussed the fact he is living with someone else and her children who he hasn’t considered it worth introducing them to.

I don’t agree with withholding access but let’s be honest here, moving in with a woman and her children when your own children haven’t even met her is choosing someone else’s children over your own.

Jobsharenightmare · 23/12/2020 11:18

Talking about this at work and my friend and her partner moved in together after 2 years. She'd never met his kids because his ex wouldn't allow it and he was scared he wouldn't be allowed to see the kids if he didn't do as he was told and he didn't have the money or will to face court. At the point they moved in the kids were turning 15 and 13 so going to be able to decide for themselves. I bet it is more common than we imagine.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 11:18

I don’t agree with withholding access but let’s be honest here, moving in with a woman and her children when your own children haven’t even met her is choosing someone else’s children over your own.

I disagree.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 11:27

She'd never met his kids because his ex wouldn't allow it and he was scared he wouldn't be allowed to see the kids if he didn't do as he was told

Hmm. Bit of a theme emerging, no?

Where are many of these problems in a separated dad's new relationship really coming from...?

AlternativePerspective · 23/12/2020 11:27

So, if a woman moved a man in with her and her kids who he hadn’t yet met that would be (rightly) considered unreasonable because she was moving a man into the children’s home.

Yet if a man moves in with a woman and she hasn’t yet met his kids that’s ok because they don’t live there anyway and they can choose not to go there if they don’t like it.

Frankly it’s little wonder that there are so many shit fathers out there when there are so many women enabling them.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 11:36

they can choose not to go there if they don’t like it.

No one knows if they do or don't like it. They haven't been given a chance because of the manipulative exW behind the scenes.

Frankly it’s little wonder that there are so many shit fathers out there when there are so many women enabling them.

Frankly, it's little wonder there are so many fathers out there scared of contact being withheld due to manipulative and controlling ex partners, who think they have a right to continue to dictate their ex partner's lives long after separation. And also, frankly, it's little wonder there are so many confused children who don't knows what to think, and who end up "hating" stepmum just because mum has put that narrative into their head long before they even get to know her.

Jobsharenightmare · 23/12/2020 11:49

This was several years ago and the now adult kids have a lovely relationship with my friend. But the point remains that it obviously all could have fallen apart I agree. I guess there are two sides to every story and I don't think a parent can really dictate who the children spend time with once they become teenagers so I see why people might take the gamble and move in at that point.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 11:53

I don't think a parent can really dictate who the children spend time with once they become teenagers so I see why people might take the gamble and move in at that point.

This is a good point. My 14 year old picks and chooses when she wants to stay with her dad - her own choices based on if she wants to see friends etc on that particular weekend.

But I think the main point is, one separated parent shouldn't be dictating to the other. Unless there are concerns about safety / safeguarding... it really isn't any of their business when they are in the care of their other parent. Many exWs struggle with this concept it seems.

Neverbeme · 23/12/2020 12:01

That would be five bedrooms if they have one room each, one for your dc and one for you and bf?

Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 12:03

@LouJ85

I don’t agree with withholding access but let’s be honest here, moving in with a woman and her children when your own children haven’t even met her is choosing someone else’s children over your own.

I disagree.

Care to expand?
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 12:05

Thats correct.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 12:09

Care to expand?

It's far too cut and dry to assume a man has a preference for another woman's children over his own, simply because he moved in. What if it was just convenient or the most financially viable option? That doesn't necessarily translate to "I prefer your children over the ones I have with my ex wife so I must live with you immediately and sod my kids", does it? There are a multitude of reasons this scenario could have arisen, was my point.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 12:14

My point being - the way it was worded - that he he has chosen someone else's kids over his own because he moved in with the OP, is quite a leap. It might not have been his best thought through decision, quite possibly. But to reflect an active choosing of another woman's kids over his own - do I believe it equates to that? No, I don't.

popsydoodle4444 · 23/12/2020 12:19

Why the hell is he letting this toxic bitch blackmail him like that?,their relationship is over;by the same standards then if she has a new partner he's not allowed round when the kids are there.

The kids are clearly having shit put into their heads by her,I'm betting she's told them "daddy has a new family","he's chosen x's kids over you" etc and has painted you as the wicked step mother.

I'm pretty sure taking it to court would have been quicker and financially better than moving into a new place of his own.

Tbh I'd reconsider a relationship with someone who's letting the ex pull the strings.what an absolute nightmare.I don't get why some women behave like this their just narcissistic.

Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 12:19

@LouJ85

My point being - the way it was worded - that he he has chosen someone else's kids over his own because he moved in with the OP, is quite a leap. It might not have been his best thought through decision, quite possibly. But to reflect an active choosing of another woman's kids over his own - do I believe it equates to that? No, I don't.
That's actually fair enough- much more accurate to say he chose his dick over his kids.