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Original poster

Living apart because of his x.

203 replies

Lacroix89 · 22/12/2020 10:37

Hi mums,
I'm new here and I didn't know where else to write about thia as my friends and family don't understand how I feel and they're not partial.

For the past year I've been living together with my fiancé. He's got 3 children from a previous relationship and when we moved in together he wasn't allowed to see his children. Their mom said they didn't want to and that he had chosen my children over his own. And the time went on and on and nothing seemed to work because and she said he had to get his own flat if he wanted to see his kids, because they don't need a new mommy and didn't want to see me.
At first he refused because he said she couldn't decide what he had to do.

But he started to slowly fall apart so I said he should get another flat so he has a chance to see them. Meaning he'd use it whenever he was gonna see he kids and be in our flat the rest of the flat. And as soon as he said the the mom he was planning on it he got to see his kids. Now he's moved out and I'm standing here heartbroken. Not knowing when I will see him again. Becuase he's a spent alot of time in the new flat. I know it is because he's setting up furnitures and stuff, but i find it hard to deal with. I hate the fact that i don't know if and when he'll stop by here, as he's moved all hia clothes etc to the new flat, so it would seem to the kids that he lives there.
Or if he's gonna stay over. Over a night my whole life changed, i hate the fact that i won't wake up in the morning and he'll be there every morning, or going to bed at night together every night.
And i dont know what the future will be. If I will slowly get introduced into hia kids lives.
I hope you guys understand what I mean. Of course urae he has to put his kids first and make it work. But I don't know if i could take it withoit knowing it will be an end to all this. What would you have done? I mean I've said to him several times that I want him to be here as much as before when his kids are not with him and he said he would. But somehow everything is different😭 And all because his x refuse to let me see his kids. He's not even sure they have said they don't want to meet me. That it's more to not upset their mom.

Please write me something. Please tell me what to do, what you would have done. Good or bad.

I know I have to do this for his kids sake but how much should I put up with? There must be a limit somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 19:29

And there it is 😂 I never wanted people to validate anything. I asked for advice, that's all. Not to tell me things I already know.

OP posts:
Hillary111 · 23/12/2020 19:38

OP, there are other forums out there (not naming) that are considerably more helpful than MN. Do a google search and I’m sure you’ll find them.

Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 19:39

@Lacroix89

And there it is 😂 I never wanted people to validate anything. I asked for advice, that's all. Not to tell me things I already know.
OK, well have you taken any of the advice? Have you spoken to him about a court order? Asked him why he isn't at home?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/12/2020 19:44

OK, well have you taken any of the advice? Have you spoken to him about a court order? Asked him why he isn't at home?

This. All the advice involves having a very frank conversation about his parenting decisions to date and plans for the future - have you done this or planned a time to do it?

Original poster
Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 19:46

Well, since my oldest daughter wasn't feeling well last night and we've been working all day there have not been time to have that sort of conversation. As I think you should have time and be kind of child free when talking heart to heart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 23/12/2020 19:48

The children are soon asleep and we'll be alright to talk.

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 19:58

@Lacroix89

The children are soon asleep and we'll be alright to talk.

I hope it goes OK for you, OP! Good luck.

2020wish · 23/12/2020 20:16

How awful. I’m in exact same position. With partner years, live with him, I’ve 1 dc, he’s 3 to ex. At start she let them come over and stay but would pull contact over silly things , the kids got on well with me . Then we got engaged and she pulled all contact saying he had to choose between my DC , my his kids and make our lives separate . Said kids hated me but we know deep deep that’s her filling their heads with lies. He got legal advice and was told no he can’t live separate lives and they children need to know another esp if we are getting married so we are awaiting court. He should of went the l legal route not creating 2 separate lives if ur getting married . Is she going to make her future partner lead a double life with her

NiceandCalm · 24/12/2020 00:18

I'm sure it's just a case of it's a new flat, starting afresh with his kids, xmas - things will settle down. I totally understand how you are feeling, it's a backwards step for your relationship but you've done the right thing in encouraging him to see his kids. I hope the conversation goes OK. Only you know if he's worth continuing the relationship with - dancing to the ex's tune for the foreseeable.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/12/2020 00:58

Good luck in tonight's talk.

I think he's finding his own place to be more to his taste and is enjoying his 'bachelor life'. I think it's time for a very serious talk about where he thinks the future is going to take him. Then you can make your own decisions about where your future is going to take you.

Ohalrightthen · 24/12/2020 11:45

How did it go OP?

PaterPower · 24/12/2020 12:18

You can tell that this is a Mum/female dominated forum because 90% of the posters have a naive faith that going the court route would sort all of this out.

Forgetting the expense and heartache for a moment, Court’s really the very last resort because:

A) it’ll take months (at a minimum) to go through mediation and then a court hearing, particularly atm. During that time you can guarantee that the ex will stop the DC from seeing him.

B) Even after the case (and assuming she’s not managed to poison the kids so thoroughly by then that they tell CAFCArse that they don’t want to see him, which would probably mean no meaningful access), if the DP’s ex decides to stick her fingers up at the CAO then it’ll take many more months to get a new hearing arranged.

There’ll be no consequences for her by doing this, and she can rinse and repeat as often as she wants.

A “resident” parent holds 99.9% of the cards in custody disputes, and if they want to make life difficult for their ex it is all too easy for them.

Ohalrightthen · 24/12/2020 12:57

@PaterPower

You can tell that this is a Mum/female dominated forum because 90% of the posters have a naive faith that going the court route would sort all of this out.

Forgetting the expense and heartache for a moment, Court’s really the very last resort because:

A) it’ll take months (at a minimum) to go through mediation and then a court hearing, particularly atm. During that time you can guarantee that the ex will stop the DC from seeing him.

B) Even after the case (and assuming she’s not managed to poison the kids so thoroughly by then that they tell CAFCArse that they don’t want to see him, which would probably mean no meaningful access), if the DP’s ex decides to stick her fingers up at the CAO then it’ll take many more months to get a new hearing arranged.

There’ll be no consequences for her by doing this, and she can rinse and repeat as often as she wants.

A “resident” parent holds 99.9% of the cards in custody disputes, and if they want to make life difficult for their ex it is all too easy for them.

It's not a perfect system, but it works better than doing nothing, as OP's partner has so far.
PaterPower · 24/12/2020 13:15

“It's not a perfect system, but it works better than doing nothing, as OP's partner has so far.”

Does it? At least he’s got access at the moment and is seeing them for Christmas. Bet that wouldn’t be the case if he told her to jog on and started through FC.

mumieone · 24/12/2020 13:23

OMG what a jealous, low self worth women he has for an X. Goodness. I often wonder what is wrong with women who are holding on to their ex husbands and boyfriends, texting them, making excuses under the premise of friendship for lunches. Defining his future like they have sole ownership of the kids. It doesn't matter that X has babies from him she really needs to get a grip and allow the man to move on. There are TOO MANY women like his X around unfortunately. Rather than go and get councilling and get help to move on with their own lives they will always be holding on to the apron stings of the X trying to be his 'friend' to ruin it for the new woman. Really ugly!!! No one wants to get involved in any relationship with a man who is still 'mates or being blackmailed by the x'. I just wish these women could deal with their low self esteem and think of the new women.

LouJ85 · 24/12/2020 13:28

@mumieone

OMG what a jealous, low self worth women he has for an X. Goodness. I often wonder what is wrong with women who are holding on to their ex husbands and boyfriends, texting them, making excuses under the premise of friendship for lunches. Defining his future like they have sole ownership of the kids. It doesn't matter that X has babies from him she really needs to get a grip and allow the man to move on. There are TOO MANY women like his X around unfortunately. Rather than go and get councilling and get help to move on with their own lives they will always be holding on to the apron stings of the X trying to be his 'friend' to ruin it for the new woman. Really ugly!!! No one wants to get involved in any relationship with a man who is still 'mates or being blackmailed by the x'. I just wish these women could deal with their low self esteem and think of the new women.

Well said.

LJF35 · 22/04/2021 06:16

A court would decide not her :) things would be in place properly, how has this all panned out since posting ?
I can imagine you feel like he left and it’s not fair on your kids bless them , just explain to them the situation kids are more resilient than us x

LJF35 · 22/04/2021 06:17

Amen 🙏🏼

Peace43 · 22/04/2021 07:52

Would have been more sensible to go to court for visitation than the fiasco of an unwanted house move... although it sounds like it was wanted by him...

FelicityPike · 22/04/2021 07:57

4 months since @Lacroix89 posted. Guessing there might not be any more response from her guys!

Trixie78 · 22/04/2021 08:01

@Wheelerdeeler

You are living apart because he moved in with you too quickly & without resolving the issue with his children.

You should never have moved in together while he couldn't see his kids. Once again a man prioritising his dick instead of his kids.

At least he's finally putting his kids first.

You could not have written a less helpful post, jog on dear.
Original poster
Lacroix89 · 22/04/2021 09:20

Just wanted to say it's all good in the hood. We talked, we cried, etc. We are still together, he's living here now when he doesnt have his kids and I have started to interact with them. And it seems to be fine.

Although the ex is still trying to manipulate and ruin things. But I can handle it better now.

OP posts:
Norabatty40 · 22/04/2021 21:56

@Wheelerdeeler

You are living apart because he moved in with you too quickly & without resolving the issue with his children.

You should never have moved in together while he couldn't see his kids. Once again a man prioritising his dick instead of his kids.

At least he's finally putting his kids first.

Exactly this

Let him build his relationship with his kids. Sorry to be blunt but they probably dont want to hear about you right now

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 22/04/2021 22:11

I would walk away.

The Echas got too much control over your partners, and your, life and he is allowing it to happen.

Seems like hes making all the excuses up and your believing him.
Plenty of parents take each other to court for access.
If my ex dictated where I lived and who I shouldn't live with, I would take him to mediation straight away. She is the one in the wrong any judge would see that.

The judge would grant him access to his children without his ex controlling his life, there is no excuse why he is not doing this.

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 22/04/2021 22:14

@Lacroix89

Just wanted to say it's all good in the hood. We talked, we cried, etc. We are still together, he's living here now when he doesnt have his kids and I have started to interact with them. And it seems to be fine.

Although the ex is still trying to manipulate and ruin things. But I can handle it better now.

It's good for now.

Until she tries it again if she finds out he is living with you or he does anything to piss her off then its back to square one

He needs a court order in place.

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