Life after Divorce

[Tulip55]

Just looking for some reassuring stories from women after divorce. I will likely be moving into my own place next month with the kids, and have never lived without a partner before. I go from being excited and feeling like I am very capable...to then being so terrified and worried I won't cope. I lay awake at night worrying about it.

Tulip, I'm in the same boat, waiting to find the right place to rent. I can’t tell you about what happens next, but I can let you know theres someone else out there feeling the same. 😀

Hi @TheWindowDonkey welcome to the club lol. Same for me, trying to find a house to rent currently. Hoping I will feel better once I know where I will be living! Its very unsettling not knowing

Place marking as I'm in the same boat! I am already very sad at the thought of not seeing the DC every day - we will have 50/50 custody. My one divorced friend says she has grown to love the time by herself and I hope she is right!

Hi There. I've been divorced around 2 1/2 years. Believe me your worries are normal! I was having sleepless nights worrying about not being able to set up the TV/Broadband/wi-fi etc as my ex had always done all that sort of stuff. (one of the few things he did do actually!)
I remember sitting in front of the TV with You Tube "how to" videos and going through each step to get it all set up and working. I can't tell you the sense of achievement once I finally could watch TV!!!

It is a scary time - but you will get there. Some things will be overwhelming but do one thing at a time and it will be fine. I also had a 50/50 arrangement with the children and after a while I did get to enjoy that childfree time and I found groups to join to fill my time and also enjoyed just having nothing to do for a bit. Remember to take care of yourselves.

@Fantasisa hi! We have agreed 50/50 too. I just keep walking around my current home thats so familiar, thinking this is all going to be gone 😪

@NewYearHere20 my stbxh is really handy and fixes everything around the house so I am worried I will struggle...but will be renting at first so I guess won't have to worry too much there. Its just stbxh has always minimised the stuff I do for our family compared to him so I often feel incapable.
The alone time terrifies me, I think for the first month I will love it but after that I will feel lonely...its got to be better than feeling lonely in a relationship though surely?

@Tulip55 Perhaps we should keep this going as a support thread. I could certainly do with one.

I have exactly the same feelings about broadband, tv etc but as @NewYearHere20 says - there is a YouTube tutorial for everything!

@Fantasisa yes, lets! How is you house search going? I'm viewing a promising one tomorrow. Think that's why I'm freaking out so much, if I like it and apply it all becomes very very real!

You get used to it. I really love being free, in control - I've decorated how I want, have things the way I like them, if I do what I like when I want. I'm a lot happier and I feel more confident and competent than I did with my ex.

DIY at least gets done when I want it to, rather than waiting for him to get round to it - highly recommend investing in a decent electric drill, and YouTube will explain how to do virtually anything .

Can I follow along too? Sorry OP no advice but I will be in your shoes after Christmas and also oscillate between excited and sick with fear.

You get used to being on your own, I'm a dab hand at flat pack furniture now. I know how to repressure my hot water tank. I can decorate how I want, have the bedroom how I want (if I want fairy lights up I can have them up).

I'm much happier and more confident doing things than I was when I was with my ex. I'm lucky that my Dad loves DIY and feels useful helping us children do stuff. In the new year he is going to fit me a shower screen and change my hob for me.

I'm buying STBXH out and he is taking his sweet time finding somewhere to move to - no where he views is quite what he is after apparently.

I am still very, very, very sad it has come to this despite feeling like it is probably for the best. I keep hoping in a year I will feel relieved but at the moment I'm in a lot of pain and I'm worried about the future - my financial situation will be on a knife's edge.

Good luck with your viewing tomorrow - are you going to rent somewhere or are you hoping to buy?

And hello @Badwill - I wake up every morning feeling like someone has got their hand around my heart - my chest feels so tight. I'm looking forward to that abating!

One bit of advice I would give is to absolutely avoid dating sites regardless of how lonely you feel. They are horrendous at times and when you are low and a bit vulnerable what can seem like a good idea is really not. I wouldn’t go down that route for a long time until you have found happiness in yourself.

Definitely following this thread as I'm terrified and I'm about to do the same xx

Just realised it's you @tulip55! Xx

@WT56 - Top tip. It may also make us go running back to our exes when we see what is waiting!

What do people do about social media? I don't post much on FB for example but how do you manage that if things are amicable with STBXH? I don't want to see what he is up to (I know I can unfollow but I might want to peek) and I don't want him to be able to see me. What do people normally do? It feels much more complicated than my pre-social media break up.

About to do the same to after 15 years marriage xx

@Fantasisa I didn't have mine on Facebook until this year, we get on well and split 3 years ago. It was at a moment when he had a new girlfriend and there was a guy I really liked and it just felt the right time to add each other again.

Thanks for all the positive messages! I was feeling at my lowest and least competent today and you have all helped. I have been on Pinterest looking at ideas for decorating a rented home this evening. I will most likely be renting as I need to get out ASAP.
@havecourage8bekind hi there! We will get through this together ❤

@Fantasisa I am tempted to block stbxh on social media but would be pointless unless I block his family too...which I dont want to...it will likely be our only means of contact now. I had some very good experiences with OLD when I was younger before I settled down but things were different back then I expect....and I am a completely different person now.

@fantasisa I defriended my ex. We're amicable, but we're not friends and I don't need to be overlooked or to have to deal with him attention-seeking (I was the one who called it quits, so he was chasing). If you think it might cause drama, I'd tell him beforehand

I still have the outlaws on social media as we are pleasant to each other and they don't mither me. But I mostly post stuff that's non-controversial, I wouldn't post nights out or boyfriends or owt. It's all pets and landscapes and days out with the dc with me. Depends what sort of stuff you're likely to post, really.

I moved out of the family home and into rented just over a year ago. Having never lived on my own, not even pre kids, I’m loving the freedom. The first few weeks was hard, there were lots of tears as I tried to figure out how to get hot water, change a lightbulb and set up the tv, but it is so so worth it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or take any offers that come your way....I literally had to start from scratch and people were so kind giving me bed frames, spare towels, old cutlery, anything just to help out. Can’t believe how homely and happy the place feels this Christmas in a short space of time, it’s people that matter, not houses or things.

The first thing I did was found the number for a local handyman. My ex could fix anything and always looked after maintenance, so knowing there was someone who would pop round and put a shelf up for a few quid was very reassuring.

Just to add, totally came off social media which I think is for the best....but don’t be afraid to video call friends/relatives with boiler or plumbing emergencies, it’s amazing how much people can talk you through on a video call!

Oh and a warning... OLD is very weird at the moment. I’m putting it down to COVID but I’d give it a miss for now.

Can I join you all please? I'm moving into my rented property a month today and whilst I can't wait I'm also terrified, even though I've been doing all the DIY for the past 10 years and am more than capable of fitting a kitchen and a bathroom. STBEH has sapped all my confidence and I'm struggling to make one single decision by myself right now.

On the plus side, dating could not be further from my mind!