Life after Divorce

[Tulip55]

Just looking for some reassuring stories from women after divorce. I will likely be moving into my own place next month with the kids, and have never lived without a partner before. I go from being excited and feeling like I am very capable...to then being so terrified and worried I won't cope. I lay awake at night worrying about it.

I want to be like you brave strong women so much,
I thought 2020 I was going to finally finally make the break, there was talk of how unhappy I am talk of divorce from me, he wants us to work it out sees his life as nothing with out me, I hate hurting him but how do you get them to “really listen” to what your saying, is it a case of filing for divorce giving him the papers and saying yes am sure about my own mind?
Feeling very penned in to a life I don’t even like myself in

Hello all!

I managed to get away from my abusive ex 6 months ago. I am so, so happy. I hadn't realised quite how angry and stressed I was, until I got out and suddenly the anger and stress were no longer there.

There were some quite complex legal reasons why I couldn't leave until then, so I had to live with him for more than 10 years after we separated. It was awful and I used to wake up every morning praying that he had died in the night.

That's all over now, I'm in my own place with DD, it's super calm, everybody is happy and relaxed and I have so many plans for the future!

We were overseas so I'm just building credit history in the UK and will buy a house as soon as I can. I lovely one with absolutely zero XH's in it! Maybe by the coast .

There was a lot of unknowns, particularly returning from overseas, but I found somewhere and I'm busily making it home. I'm happier than I've been in decades and haven't had a problem with any of the home maintenance stuff. The council tax was a bit of a shock though!

@whitehat that sounds hideous - well done for getting out

Hi and welcome

@Feelingchicken99 I sympathise - last January I was sure I would get out in 2020 and was so relieved I'd just had my last Christmas with hi, but then came COVID and a whole lot more uncertainty and here I still am! My STBXH is very passive (part of the problem obvs) and even he has said a few times that he doesn't understand why I want to leave and surely it could still work. I've just booked us in for some couple counselling with a view to managing the separation. I'm hoping through that he will understand that I really mean it, and will get some help for himself rather than emotionally relying on our kids.

I'm sorry you're both going through that WhisperingJesse. It's so hard when your DC is struggling with MH. I worry how my eldest will cope. He already has paralysing anxiety and struggles to talk to his dad when he's anxious.

FeelingChicken99 I thought the same Christmas 2019. I was thinking that then a memory popped up just before Christmas. It was from 2017 just before Christmas. It's very memorable one and when it popped up I knew exactly what I'd been thinking as DH took that photo. 'I can't go through another Christmas like this'. 3 more Christmases since then. 2018 was up and down, but 2019 was so horrible. He talked me into knots when I wanted to leave. And then 2020 when I got up the courage to do it again Covid hit and DS1 anxiety spiralled, then DS3 ended up in hospital for 2 months. So here I am again.

I want to do it, I'd happily never see DH again. I just want peace and quiet. But then I don't want to do it, I don't want to not see my kids everyday, I don't want my boys to have to deal with DH moods and impatience on their own. Stupidly I still don't want to hurt DH, or at least part of me feels that way.

There’s always something that stops the next step,
I’ve had family members with health issues not covid but it’s made them very reliant on me which adds to the pressure,
I purposely don’t look at FB memory’s, there have been a few fake smiles over the years, i to remember how I felt during those times.
H is a nice guy he’s so very stuck in his ways a terrible morning person I never have a sleep in ever I feel like I need to be up and ready for what mood he gets up in DD would never wake him over me also because of what mood he’ll be in,
Overall he’s a good dad, yes he has his ways but he will at times snap at her this is when he’s frustrated with me,
I go from selfishly dreaming of being alone to well how would he react to her waking him up at say 7am on a Sunday it’s silly things like that I don’t want to make her life hard.

@HereIAmOnceAgain

I'm sorry you're both going through that WhisperingJesse. It's so hard when your DC is struggling with MH. I worry how my eldest will cope. He already has paralysing anxiety and struggles to talk to his dad when he's anxious.

FeelingChicken99 I thought the same Christmas 2019. I was thinking that then a memory popped up just before Christmas. It was from 2017 just before Christmas. It's very memorable one and when it popped up I knew exactly what I'd been thinking as DH took that photo. 'I can't go through another Christmas like this'. 3 more Christmases since then. 2018 was up and down, but 2019 was so horrible. He talked me into knots when I wanted to leave. And then 2020 when I got up the courage to do it again Covid hit and DS1 anxiety spiralled, then DS3 ended up in hospital for 2 months. So here I am again.

I want to do it, I'd happily never see DH again. I just want peace and quiet. But then I don't want to do it, I don't want to not see my kids everyday, I don't want my boys to have to deal with DH moods and impatience on their own. Stupidly I still don't want to hurt DH, or at least part of me feels that way.

HereIAm, my elder daughter had the crippling anxiety too and selective mutism but much better now. She supports me leaving. But I totally know what you mean about the reasons for not leaving - hence why I've stayed too, especially the issue about leaving the kids to deal with his moods alone. That's another reason why I've arranged the couple counselling - I'm really hoping he really takes on board that he has to manage his emotions himself and not lean on or take it out on the kids.

Hi all, just checking in to chat. Anyone else feel like this is all a bad dream and they will wake up and all the good things of the marriage will remain? I still think I'm in shock that me and DH are getting divorced. Still living together, I'm seeing a counsellor but I still can't believe it has come to this after all these years.

Hi Londono, I don't feel like that myself but it is my decision to leave and it has been such a very long slow decision. Some steps along the way I've been amazed that that's where we are, but I'm just so ready for it to all be over now. Still living together here too because I just can't seem to find a way to make the finances work.

Hi @Londono, my exH moved out almost a a month ago and all i feel is relief. I think i was living in a bad dream for too long and feel like i’m finally alive and woken up... It took me years to get to this state of mind i’m in now though, not sure i recommend.
The more time we are appart the more apparent because the dysfunction i took as ‘normal’. I’d rather be single than live like that ever again.

For those of you wanting to leave and not quite there, you’ll get there. The realisation that you want to end it is the first step, it actually took me years from realising I didn’t want to live my life like that to actually going. You will get there and 2020/start of this year have been so hard. I still have a really long way to go to get to divorce, but confident that even at my slow pace I’ll get there in the end! It’s good to hear from other people going through the same, or at different stages on the path.

I feel like I'm treading water every day. Each day is so full with going to work, evenings full of school work, looking after family members as well as kids, fitting in all other life admin, housework, I can't find time to also fit in a massive life changing decision and all the work that goes with it. Also, I seem to be hitting a brick wall with solicitors. I've tried to arrange meetings or phone calls, but two of them say they're full to capacity and aren't taking any more clients, another two haven't replied to emails, and I'm waiting for a call back from yesterday and I'm not holding my breath on that one. I just feel like I cannot move forward. I'm actually grateful that I'm so busy as it helps me avoid dh, but I know sooner or later I have to find the time and the courage to sit down with him and spell out how I feel. Good luck to everyone also tryingto find light at the end of the tunnel

Hi everyone,

I need some advice. Divorce proceedings have started (initiated by me). I'm desperate to move on with my life and find peace. I'm living with ex DH as he's refusing to move out. But he's tracking my movements and checking with friends where I've been. Hardly anywhere with lockdown but hey ho! He makes snide comments to me in front of the kids and is refusing to discuss a financial settling. This is despite him agreeing divorce was the best way forward.

Originally we agreed to live together 'amicably' to save money and not disrupt the kids more than we need to. But I'm seriously considering renting now even though it will cost me a fortune.

What do you guys think?? Should I just try and put up with it?

@Brightskiesahead that’s exactly what I did for my own sanity and children’s happiness. He was waking me in the middle of the night, coming into the spare room to the extent I felt I had to barricade myself in! Get some legal advice first though, my solicitor advised to register home rights as I wasn’t named on the mortgage and gave some other useful tips.

@Brightskiesahead me and dh divorced amicably. Once decision was made there was a period where things deteriorated. Despite seemingly amicable agreement, we were arguing about same things that led to divorce and financial agreement. I wasn’t sure it was going to smoothly even. But then we got over that hump. Perhaps you and dh need time to get over the massive decision re your lives and it takes time to process it. It’s important to keep talking in a friendly way. Perhaps don’t give up just yet.

I think the party that starts divorce is quite often done more thinking and soul searching. Whilst the other party still needs a bit of time to realise it’s over and there’s no point in tracking etc as it’s over. But that’s assuming there’s no control issues or abuse.

Really pleased to find this thread. Thank you all for sharing

Great thread - thank you!

It has taken me 5 years to get to the point where the house is sold and we’re both moving into separate places. I spent two years to retrain for higher-paid work with better prospects. I know it’s not what you want to here when you want to get on with your life and leave, but sometimes you do have to play the long game.

Hi can I join too please. I’m in the same boat my dh had house when we met and avoided adding my name even though we were married for 14yr and 2 infant boys. I want to move out as he’s too attached to his house and never felt at home here but boys live it here and dh wants to stay so he can have boys 50/50, which I’m not sure he will cope.

I’ve lost all confidence as he supported me but somehow brought me down at the same time. I’ve not paid for rent or utilities for 14yrs and I’m worried I will just fail at being a responsible adult for me and the boys and dh will be happy.how will I juggle work and being there for boys. I’ve worked around boys usually as that was what dh suggested. How will I cope? How will I move past thus and be the confident me again?

This thread is very uplifting seeing how you have progressed and gone through the motions. One day that’ll be me I hope x

It goes on !
You develop support networks
Kids become more Independant
You get a bit horny !
Some emotional fallout
You age a lot
You work a lot harder
You’ll cope xxxx

Is it easy ? No
But I can now imagine the future which I never did when with ex